Husband not backing me up infront of my step child

[mhowe]

How much discipline does a 6 yr old need?

[journeynow]

double post

[journeynow]

My husband constantly undermines me infront of his daughter. It becomes a struggle..

This child has ADHD and needs someone to be stern with her and both her parents let her get away with a lot.

 

But if I have a child who is under my care and has been for a long time I don't understand how discipline doesn't fall under the rest of my responsibilities..

 

In all of the examples you have given, she wasn't under YOUR care, because her father is there, so discipline is HIS responsibility. You are essentially correcting him by taking over the parenting role uninvited. He may feel you are undermining him, which is why he's telling you to relax.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I totally get it. She mostly lives with you. You act like a mom in all ways, but are denied the ability to ... stand up for yourself by enforcing what you see as reasonable rules (don't pick your nose, don't damage my car, etc).

 

You'd expect that your H would see how much you give, and support you when you try to rein her in.

 

And that would be great if we all behaved with logic. But we usually respond from our emotions, the ones we are barely aware of.

 

Do you have your own children? If not, that can make it a lot harder in some ways (what is appropriate for her age, etc) and easier in others (no step-sibling rivalry).

 

I don't agree that step-parents can't discipline. I believe that the step-parent has to earn that right with both the child, and the parent(s). And that can take years before the trust and love from the child towards you is developed enough to handle the step-parent acting as a 3rd parent.

 

I've been a step-child, and a step-parent. So I probably see things a little differently than others might...plus I'm southern bred, and we're huge on manners, respecting adults, and discipline.

 

My dad married my stepmom when I was 11. I barely knew her since they had a long distance courtship. When they married, she moved in with us. At first she tried to discipline me, even when I didn't need it. I distinctly remember coming home from school, and her telling me I couldn't play until I'd finished my homework. I told her my homework was already done. She didn't believe me - I had to show her my homework to convince her I wasn't lying. When my dad got home, she immediately talked to him about it. She was angry. He assured her I always did my homework, and earned straight As. She calmed down, but would check my homework every day after that, for about 6 months. Finally she was convinced I was responsible on that score.

 

I didn't appreciate it. It was pretty damaging to a brand new relationship. To her credit, she eventually realized this, and she changed her behavior. If/when she had a problem with me, she went to my dad. With me, she was usually charming - she laughed with me a lot. She told me positive things about myself, and in some ways it meant more because she was an outsider.

 

She cooked for me, washed my clothes, handled my dental and medical appts, got my hair cut, took me clothes shopping, made sure I had school supplies, got me a dog and a bike, taught me how to wear makeup and heels, bought my first bra, and steered me through puberty.

 

It wasn't those things that won my love and trust. That seems unfair, but there you go. It's unfair. She won my love and trust by disco dancing in the front room with me, by laughing with me, by saying I had personality plus with great warmth and sincerity, and by fighting my dad to get me any book I wanted to read. I was (and am still) addicted to reading, and my father carefully monitored my reading material. When she fought my dad FOR me instead of always against me, it meant the world!

 

By the time I was 15, I had no problem with her disciplining me. She had earned that right in my mind. Again, not by the day to day things a mom does, but by caring for me as an individual person, separate from my father, separate from her responsibility towards me as a child. I hope I am explaining this well.

 

My father died when I was 16. I am 49. My stepmom and I are still close. When I think of her, I can always hear her sparkling laughter in my head and it makes me smile. She has a great laugh!

 

Take what is most special about you, and share it willingly and lovingly with this little girl in your care. Show the girl that she is special all on her own, that she's likeable, lovable. Earn her love, and you'll have a better relationship with her.

[Batya33]

How much discipline does a 6 yr old need?

 

In my opinion a great deal in most cases and that is not saying anything negative about 6 year olds -just part of development.

[jay278]

Good god you're tightly wound

 

You get irritated because the kid is repeatedly calling the dog. You don't let the kid play with puddy in the car because "its sticky". She sounds like a sweet kid, you sound like female hitler.

 

Here's an idea. Go out and roll around in the dirt with her. Stop being so critical. Get off you're high horse.

 

My ex GF had a 12 year old son. You know what I did to bond with him? I played video games with him, I would wrestle and play fight with him and let him win. The first night I met him we made water bombs and had a waterfight. Ya feel me? Play a board game or something with her.

 

I take you're husbands side. I don't know how he has the patience for you. Let the kid be a kid while she's still a kid.

[lavenderdove]

First, I'd like to say that the number one reason 2nd marriages fail is fighting over how to raise the stepchildren and because the family ultimately can't successfully blend together. So that's a sobering thought and you need to stop and take a different approach on this or perhaps recognize that divorce is inevitable if you can't learn to deal with this.

 

You and your husband have very different parenting styles. And if this were your own child, raised by you from birth, she would already not do a lot of things that annoy you because she's learned from the get-go that that behavior didn't fly with Mommy. and she wouldn't have a 'real' Mommy to run to. There are still conflicts to do with parenting when the natural mother/father are married, but you have the extra problems of (1) you didn't raise this child from birth so she is going to do things you don't like and (2) she has a 'real' Mommy to run to to contradict you and (3) she knows you're not her mother and also knows that Daddy will support her and not you if there is conflict.

 

So since she does have a 'real' Mom who is NOT you, and your husband is the type who is far more liberal in terms of child rearing than you are, you need to take a different approach. So rather than seeing it as your job to 'discipline' or 'correct' her behavior, see it as your role to 'educate' the child. It is not the child's fault if her parents let her run wild. And it IS your right to minimize the impact of the child's negative behavior on you.

 

So let's take the examples you give. the child calls the dog over and over. You switch to educating. As in telling her, if you call the dog over and over, it may think you're upset and avoid you rather than coming to you. the dog heard you the first time, so if it doesn't come and you want to see the dog, go get the dog rather than calling it and scaring it. the dog will come to your faster if it thinks you are happy and want to see it rather than demanding it come. Say all that in your pleasant speaking voice, not your disciplining 'Mom' voice.

 

and the silly putty example. you tell the child, it is expensive and hard to clean that out of the car, so if you get it in the car, we are going to have to take your allowance for the next X weeks to clean the car (or not buy some toy she wants in order to spend the money on cleaning the car). And if she brings it into the car again, pull the car over and take it away from her and put it in your purse without a word. Then don't give it back to her. If she asks for silly putty again, tell her she needs to talk to her father if she wants more because silly putty that goes into your car gets confiscated and tossed out. so you educate her on what your boundaries are, and show her the consequences of her own behavior. And don't cave to your husband either. If he comes to you and asks for the silly putty, tell him you threw it out and if he daughter wants more, he has to go buy it for her, and you'll throw it out again if she tries to put it in your car again.

 

And the nose picking. As soon as she does that, you just tell her that is unsanitary and can cause an infection in other people and spread germs if she puts her buggers into the food. So you walk over, take the food, and toss it in the garbage and say, 'we can't eat that food now because it could make us sick'. Pleasant voice, not disciplining voice.

 

And if she (and everyone else) gets one less thing to eat for dinner, so be it! And if anyone asks, you say, we are not having potato salad tonight because child X put her buggers into it so we can't eat it now because it would spread germs. she has learned the consequences of picking her nose and putting it in the food is nobody gets to eat the food. And if your husband objects, you just say, well, next time i'll just serve the food and you can eat buggers if you want but I'm not going to. and if she does it again, just sit down at the table and say, 'btw, just letting everyone know that child X put her buggers in the soup tonight so I won't be eating it but you can if you'd like.' If your husband wants to eat buggers, let him!

 

children are not stupid. she has learned very quickly that her father is more lenient with you, and has learned to say the same things to you (relax!) that he does. so it is not the child's fault that her father is telling her to go one direction and you another. so you need to take the power struggle out of it, and just every time she does something you don't like, educate, don't criticize, and draw your own boundary and act on it if what she is doing is harmful to you. Otherwise let it go, and let her own parents determine the level of 'discipline' involved.

 

If she really turns into a monster, then unfortunately your choice becomes whether you want to live with a man who has allowed his kid to become a monster because he refuses to parent his children. At that point you consider divorce.

[lavenderdove]

btw, i do think it is wrong for him to undermine you as an adult in front of the child. If he doesn't like your tone or whatever, he needs to talk to you privately about that and not in front of the child. So i suggest you tell him what you are going to do. As in, since he doesn't like your parenting style, you are going to stop disciplining, but you will educate her by explaining things in a pleasant voice, and if the child is going to do anything harmful to you, the dog, your car, the house etc., you are going to draw your boundary and enforce it rather than letting the child run all over you and your possessions.

 

If he objects to that, then you have a bigger problem in that your husband is indeed expecting you to let a child run wild and run all over you and your possessions no matter how badly she behaves and for you to put up with it. That might require marriage counseling and/or divorce.

[Batya33]

" 'btw, just letting everyone know that child X put her buggers in the soup tonight so I won't be eating it but you can if you'd like.'"

 

I don't think this kind of disciplining is effective - it simply gives the child negative attention (and the child might get positive reinforcement by seeing the OP not able to eat the food). If that keeps happening simply say "this food is not good anymore so it goes in the garbage" and then the husband can make more or different food if he likes (and the OP can make her own meal, for herself and explain privately to her husband later that she will no longer cook a family meal if the child is going to make that choice).

 

And I would praise the child for making good choices whether about food or otherwise.

[Cidmercury]

Hell_on_heels

Thank you I really appreciate you sharing this

[Cidmercury]

Lavenderdove

 

Thank you!

[Cidmercury]

Good god you're tightly wound

 

You get irritated because the kid is repeatedly calling the dog. You don't let the kid play with puddy in the car because "its sticky". She sounds like a sweet kid, you sound like female hitler.

 

Here's an idea. Go out and roll around in the dirt with her. Stop being so critical. Get off you're high horse.

 

My ex GF had a 12 year old son. You know what I did to bond with him? I played video games with him, I would wrestle and play fight with him and let him win. The first night I met him we made water bombs and had a waterfight. Ya feel me? Play a board game or something with her.

 

I take you're husbands side. I don't know how he has the patience for you. Let the kid be a kid while she's still a kid.

 

 

Thanks for your input.

I play with her constantly, I go out of my way to make sure she's not bored, we always do arts and crafts, paint colour make beaded things, she walks my dog with me. We play on the trampoline, we ride quads together. I spent ALOT of time with her. When we are one on one she is a great kid.. I never once said anything bad about her through out this thread. I have bonded with her, she tells me secrets and talks with me, we play video games, we dance around the living room when Katy perry plays cuz it's her favourite.. I could go on.

Your missing the point tho. My husband undermines me, I do not yell and scream at her I do not talk down to her I am not the female hitler (thanks jerk)

I would just appreciate him to have my back when I say hey stop doing that..

Again my example of her picking her nose and touching food.. Simply saying Rebecca don't pick your nose and touch food it's gross.

I get told to chill out and he is the one who's snobby towards me and infront of her.

How is that fair. Something SO SIMPLE, don't touch good after having your fingers up your nose! And I'm getting told to relax.

No yelling no being a snob no being angry.. Just making a statement to a 6 year old. Please don't do that. (And she knows this because my husband tells her all the time ew gross nose picker! Don't pick your nose etc... But when I tell her not to do it, it's wrong)

[Batya33]

So how about this -explain to your husband that if she picks her nose and contaminates food that affects you -either it affects your food too (if it does) or it increases the risk that she will get sick and that means you will be at least partly responsible for taking care of her/changing your plans. Maybe compromise -if it's a matter of general manners (not having to do with how she interacts with you) then just look the other way and let him deal with it.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I play with her constantly, I go out of my way to make sure she's not bored, we always do arts and crafts, paint colour make beaded things, she walks my dog with me. We play on the trampoline, we ride quads together. I spent ALOT of time with her. When we are one on one she is a great kid.. I never once said anything bad about her through out this thread. I have bonded with her, she tells me secrets and talks with me, we play video games, we dance around the living room when Katy perry plays cuz it's her favourite.. I could go on...

Your missing the point tho. My husband undermines me

I would just appreciate him to have my back when I say hey stop doing that..

 

I really like all the things you are doing with her the one other thing I'd suggest there is that both of you get to pick things to do together. You take turns, so that each of you really gets a kick out of doing something you or she loves. It sounds like you already are doing that, but I added it just in case.

 

The only other thing I'd say there is what I say to all parents - read about age appropriate behaviors, and figure out how to act accordingly. For example, two-year old tantrums are all about the child realizing he/she is a distinct person separate from mommy. They are practicing autonomy (a good thing) by doing the worst thing. Welcome to human development, lol

 

If your husband has no problem telling her to quit picking her nose, but he has a problem with you saying the same thing...then it's not guilt, I don't think. He isn't seeing you as a co-parent, a partner. I don't know why. He might not know why. But you're right. It has to be addressed. You're probably feeling betrayed and frustrated and a bit used. I would be.

 

Rule number one of parental fighting : never, never in front of the kids. If they catch the slightest scent of a power struggle with parenting, they will start to go after the "weaker" parent.

 

This means you can't say anything in front of her that will trigger your husband to disrespect you. You aren't powerless, though. You can try giving him the look to see if he steps up, you can smile and say, "Dad?" in hopes he steps up to handle the situation. You can smile at her as you hand her a tissue. I'm sure there are tons of ideas out there on how to get what you think is right without being put in a bad position.

 

If she picks her nose and touches the food, he sees it, and still says nothing, you don't have to eat it nor do you have to say anything about it. Just quietly get yourself something else to eat. If she asks you about it, hug her and gently tell her that boogers in the food is gross and could hurt people with sickness germs. If nothing else, she will outgrow this. Sometimes parenting is just waiting it out....we have to pick our battles. Why? Because there are so many! We'd make our kids and ourselves neurotic if we went after everything.

 

When you talk to your husband about this, what does he say?

How are you presenting your concerns to him? What do you say?

And, I have to ask, does he undermine you in any other way or with anyone else?

[Hell_On_Heels]

Good god you're tightly wound

 

You get irritated because the kid is repeatedly calling the dog. You don't let the kid play with puddy in the car because "its sticky". She sounds like a sweet kid, you sound like female hitler.

 

Here's an idea. Go out and roll around in the dirt with her. Stop being so critical. Get off you're high horse.

 

My ex GF had a 12 year old son. You know what I did to bond with him? I played video games with him, I would wrestle and play fight with him and let him win. The first night I met him we made water bombs and had a waterfight. Ya feel me? Play a board game or something with her.

 

I take you're husbands side. I don't know how he has the patience for you. Let the kid be a kid while she's still a kid.

 

Wow! You think she's tightly wound?

 

Good advice on the playing. Not well presented. There is simply no comparison between scolding a child and killing millions of people. You did hurt the OP, though, so if that's what you were hoping for, you won. Sadly, she came here because she was already hurting, so I'm not sure why you'd want this kind of win.

 

But let's look at your argument. Let's take it out of the narrow box, and think about day to day life in her house. Caring for kids is not easy, whether they are yours or not. It's an endless to-do list, and you're pulled in 17 different directions all at once. Every parent gets annoyed at something, and if calling the dog over and over snaps her nerves, it's understandable.

 

I once got so irritated at my kids bickering every day all day for the summer, that at the very end of summer, I sent them outside to fight. I told them they couldn't come back in until one of them is bleeding. Get it over with already. Good parenting? I don't think so! But everyone loses it over something. (My kids stared at each other in shock, and then rode their bikes. I got some much-needed quiet.)

 

But let's go further and think about how awful it is to do all the physical and emotional work of rearing a child, but having your husband go after you for everything. No appreciation. No respect. Just an expectation that she will "behave" herself. She is not the child here, but he's treating her like one.

 

Ultimately, consider your audience and present your views in a way they can hear. You can draw people in to you, or you can alienate them. It's your choice.

[jay278]

Ok poop. I have read my post again and I realize I was very harsh. Hurting someone's feeling is not what I'm going for. But what I'm going for is to protect the child's feelings not the OP's.

I have a daughter, younger cousins and siblings. As explained above I've also mentored quite a few young boys. Suffice to say I know that patience is tested to the limit with kids. This is one of the reasons I meditate daily. Remember to breath ok guys n gals?

The OP's reply to my post is great! If I had known this from reading her first post I would not have said what I said. I had an image in my mind of a cute young girl repeatedly calling a dog and some cranky woman yelling at her for it. Obviously this is not the reality. I apologize.

The OP is an intelligent, thoughtful woman who is going through a bit of a rough time. The solution is simple. Sit down with partner and really talk it out. What is ok and what is not. Get clarity on these things.

 

Now, I have ADHD also. I do not take Ritalin. I go to boxing and soccer training, yoga and meditation keeps me happy. I am much more active then most men and I do not need as much sleep as the average person. That being said, I've been to classes with other ADHD people. Let me tell you quite clearly. ADHD FOLKS ARE VERY EMOTIONALLY SENSITIVE. I cannot say this more loudly. I want people to be aware of this fact. It's almost like at birth someone ramps up our nerves and say's "I want this person to feel everything that's going on around them at all times".

 

All that said, I apologize again to the OP. She sounds like a lovely soul and I wish her all the best. So yea, talk with your husband. Be gentle and patient with Rebecca and don't forget to breath.

[Invicta]

I am not an expert. I would like to point out that priorities need to change when there are young children involved. Remember that adults arrive at their destinations; relationships, living arrangements, jobs; as a direct result of their choices with fully developed brains, and with financial resources and with backup social networks. Children, on the other hand, do not choose their parents or their homes and have undeveloped intellectual capabilities.

I noticed that the main thing missing in your posts Cidmercury, is a direct interest in the well being of the child as a person rather than as an obstacle in your peripheral goal as a wife to the father of the child. I'm not saying that you do not care about your step child, but your language on this thread has not recognized her as a separate individual that has her own needs and experiences separate from your perceived conflicts as a stepmother. I think that you need to stop the common tendency of trivializing the needs of children regardless of how much more complicated your adult problems appear to you. A child's experiences feel just as important when you are a child and the impact of those experiences can last a lifetime. If the biological parents are "letting her get away with" things; but these things are not fully explained to you; then my guess is that they are subconsciously responding to the developmental needs of the child for direct attention and acknowledgement of personal value.

[Cidmercury]

Invicta,

 

How do I change this, how do I change my attitude