Advice on handling a second chance needed.

[keefy1972]

It's all good now.

[clodhopper]

If you feel that you want to win her back (and it is possible to do this) then I would say go for it. But be careful not to make her feel pressured - that's the last thing you want to do!

 

I'm in a situation where my ex is back in the city where I live and I saw him today shortly and I still have feelings for him. I want more than anything for us to be able to have a second chance, but it doesn't look good. At least with your situation, you feel as though this could be your chance - so don't ruin it.

 

I would suggest just hanging out with her, going out for lunch as she suggested, etc. Try just building up a friendship again, and hopefully you'll click and be able to tell her how you feel eventually.

 

You said how when you pour out your heart to her, you make her feel pressured. I know exactly what you mean. After my ex broke up with me, I poured out my heart to him to try to make him see things like I do... and it made him feel pressured because I was constantly bringing "us" up when he just needed space. And I feel that I definitely pushed him away further by doing that. Just be careful good luck!!

[hockeyboy]

make her/let her think your not just waiting around for her..but dont rub it in her face.

 

maybe even have one of your friends call you while your out with her. dont pick up the phone..if she asks who it was just say nobody and maybe she will try to drag it out of you. just say its some girl (assuming u have a cell phone)

 

i dunno..just a random idea, think i saw it in a movie or something

[clodhopper]

that could work... although i don't know if you should intentionally be trying to piss her off by pretending a girl is calling you while you're out with her...

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[clodhopper]

Ok I want to rephrase what I said about not wanting to piss her off, etc. I guess what I meant is just I don't think it's the best to rub it in her face that another girl is calling you, like that's not really necessary... however it's awesome to let her know you do have a life besides her! That's what everyone needs to do with their exes.

[Hope75]

keefy,

 

I have to disagree with Hockeyboy on this. Why would you want to start off a possible second chance with a foolish head game?

 

I am a firm believer in honesty being the best policy. This does not mean putting all of your feelings out there when you see her for lunch this week. Discretion must play a part as well.

 

Go and meet her for lunch. Chat, eat, enjoy each other. Expect just what this is for right now, a couple of friends having lunch together.

 

If you are relaxed and truly just enjoying the moment, that self confidence will come accross and that's what you want to portray here, not a fake attempt to make her jealous.

[keefy1972]

Hope, I see that you make a very valid point. I do agree with you on what you said. I do like the idea of her not knowing and left to wonder who is on the phone, but it is true that it is nothing but a game. I don't want that kind of relationship.

[Hope75]

It just seems silly and childish, and what will it accomplish? By rubbing a "fake other woman" in her face, you are likely to upset her and make her feel like this meeting was a waste of her time, and discourage her from wanting to meet with you again.

 

Tread carefully, keefy, you yourself said this may be your once chance to get her back in your life, so play it cool, relax and be confident, and let that impression sit with her, rather than trying to provoke her,

 

Put the shoe on the other foot, would it piss you off, even a littl bit, if another guy called her while you were meeting for lunch?

 

We are too old to play these games!

[lilred]

I think that you know your ex better than anyone else--so i think that you can let her know that your door is open to her--but don't put all the cards out on the table just yet--it might scare her off--after all i think that she already knows that you want to get back together w/ her

 

--maybe you can arrange for coffee--or something light like that--and LOOK GOOD! she'll remember how attracted she is to you and how comfortable it is to talk to you again--and be the gentleman that you are--by trying to court her w/out going overboard---no one has the secret to winning an ex back----waiting it out at this point might be the best option for you--since it seems like her heart is still w/ her ex--she needs to let go of that first b4 she can start out fresh w/ you again

--good luck!!

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Hope75]

Keefy,

 

I'm sorry, it seemed in your last post that you are really struggling. I hope you are doing OK. It is a yo-yo rollercoaster ride isn't it? Good days and bad, strong moments and weak. BUt that's why we're here, to lend support and a caring ear.

 

I think your plan for how you will act during dinner is excellent. Be yourself, remind her why she fell for you in the first place. Don't put pressure on her about what's happening with you guys (I should follow this advice too).

 

Try to enjoy yourself, and hang in there. If you part ways for good, it wasn't meant to be and you will be OK, eventually.

[detox5]

Keef me and you have very similar situations, my ex is with someone and she also doesnt know what she wants. I also mentioned dinner to her, I said id love to take you out, it seemed it crossed her mind for a moment, and then the guilt kicked in and she said she couldnt do that, its wrong cause she is with someone, but it was if she wanted to do it.

 

Im finding it hard also, i struggle to get through the mornings, I try SOOO hard to get in a good mood its just sooo hard, i try everything.

 

you said "I will be strong and prove to myself over and over again that I am the one that controls me"

 

Thats a nice thought, I will use that myself, i have told me ex I still like her, and this and that, it doesnt seem to push her away, it just makes things alot more harder when shes trying to figure out for herself what she actually wants.

 

I imagined what I would be like, if me and her went out on a date, I would be real smart, real confident, and hansom, I will be in control and in power cause i am one with myself.

 

Dont you love who you are when you are with your ex? maybe that something to think about? I think our situations are very similiar but you are one step ahead, I thank you very much for sharing as its nice to relate and im glad im not alone

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[detox5]

so your ex is with someone else? and she wants to go on a date with you friday? im confused, also one more thing, are you two on talking terms, but you just decided to go NC anyways, i think i can learn alot from you as im a few steps behind you, please help

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[detox5]

well i dont know what to say or where to being, were on good talkin terms, shes with someone as you know and that burns me up.

so i did my first full day of NC, she is online duing the day all the time, as she is at work, so the temptation is just soo easy.

I just wish i knew what to do, be her friend and get closer to her that way, or be distant and let her miss me and really start to figure out shes starting to miss me, I wish i just knew what to do, at least you got them words out of her. my ex keeps her self to herself so its hard to get anything out of her, i managed to find out that she still likes me alot, but doesnt want to hurt him, and she still needs to find out if she is really happy with what she has right now and stuff.

theres not alot i can do, im just lost, I want to talk to her more then anything in the world, but just cause you can do it doesnt make it right.

[keefy1972]

I would have to say that you may want to just continue the no contact thing. She will never miss you if she knows she will hear from you sooner or later. She needs to fear that she will lose you forever if she don't make a move. Don't tell her, just disappear for a while and when you are not feeling so vulnerable to every little thing she says, drop an e-mail on her to ask how she is doing. This relationship stuff sucks really bad when you are the one that is wanting to be in one so badly with someone that don't.

[detox5]

*hug* thanks for that, thats something i needed to keep strong, thanks dude, tomorrow is day 2, i know i can keep u NC, im stuborn to give in, I just cant wait till a months time or so. one because i will be alot stronger, and 2, all the other times i have done NC, i have either signed in and she saw me and said somethin, and i said hi and left etc, or I would reply to an email.

This time im just not gonna be around at all, I have NEVER done this, it will be as if i am dead, im just saying ive never done PURE stealth NC, and want to do it, to be proud of myself

[SilverManic]

hm NC is really hard but trust me if she likes you she will contact you soon enough. Either that or she is trying to make you pull the first move. Thats what I think anyway. I'm playing the same card with my ex, he dumped me, he had his reasons, he still has my stuff I still have his, he has made no effot what so ever to be friends or contact me so I am waiting for him to make up his mind. I'm sure he's over me by now as I am slowly getting over him. The first 2 weeks are very very difficalt and although living in the same town, working in the same area we have bumped into eachother once in the month of N/C that I have had with him I said hello and he said hello. That was it.

It is very difficalt even this far down the line but It's getting much easier. The urges to call him are less and less. The hope to get back together is gone. The hope that we might be friends has not. Trust me it will get easier, just hang in there.

As for your ex keefy I think your doing the right thing. I would just act as a friend so if things don't work out on your side that at least you could still be friends? Let her do the contacting, she knows how you feel, she'll contact you if and when she's ready.

Good luck and I know how hard it is.

~S.

[detox5]

My ex does want to be friends, im not sure i want to be caught in the friend trap, I dont think she just wants friends and thats it, otherwise her words would of been very clear in deed, she has said she wants friends, and doesnt want to get back with me, then says other stuff, but recently its now, she still likes me alot but is with another dude and has to decide what she wants or needs to do. So NC all the way, I hate feelings like a boy, i wanna be a man again

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrr

[Tryingtobestrong]

HI Keefy,

 

forgive me if I asume you you know my situation.

 

I see that you are handling this situation differently from me. Whereas I dont contact him and sometimes ignore his messages, you contacted your girl.

 

She sounds very caring and honest, btw. But it also sounds like she has made up her mind about you guys not being together, and she knows you would get your hopes up if you guys were to meet and had a good time.

 

If I were in your situation I would absolutely not contact her. She seems to be convinced of your love for her. She feels secure and is not worried about losing you.

 

If she suggested meeting up for lunch, I would not go. I would come up with some good excuse that is nice, sweet and absolutely believable, but I would do this to show her that I am quite capable of not jumping at the chance of meeting her.

 

I also would not have replied to her email.

 

I am sorry if I sound harsh, I dont mean to. Just wanted to give you my opinion.

 

As I said we are handling it differently. So I guess it will be interesting to see where things lead and who will be able to get their ex back. If you are successful I am ready to jump over to your side of the fence any moment.

 

All the best and good luck with everything. Go with what feels right for you, I am sure that is the best way to go.

[keefy1972]

Thanks Trying. I am thinking that your assessment is probably dead-on and I am probably better off trying to walk away from her completely.

 

I have such a hard time accepting that it is over for good for her and it is something I need to learn to live with. Your opinion wasn't harsh, it was just honest and you know that that is something we both need right now. I appreciate it. I know I shouldn't have replied to her e-mail, but I was hoping to show her that I wasn't devastated that she didn't think it was a good idea. Even though, I cant for the life of me, understand why she would suggest such a thing and then recant. That, to me, is playing games. Even if it is inadvertent. In my reply I tried to be humorous and nonchalant about it. Remember: NO PRESSURE. Do you think that I at least achieved that? Did I save a little face in that regard?