Our Third Meeting and Taking the Risk

[Raoul]

We will meet for the third time over several months on Monday evening. Our first two meetings were good, though much like an extended exchange of pleasantries - there is connection, but accross/through her wall - not much emotion coming from her. And I have been emotionally cautious. There still (to me anyway) seems like there is a connection. We talk about everything (including bits about the guy she is 'seeing' now). But I have not discussed how I ended things by going No Contact for over a year, how she responded in kind and how much I want us to be together.

 

We are (more or less) texting/talking steady and meeting when busy schedules allow. So the time has come for me to express my feelings about 'us'. Making such a transition is not something I seem to do well.

 

So I reach out to ask how you would handle this. I am nervous but resolute. What would you do and say to give me the best chance to emotionally connect with her?

[NIN2000]

I am confused. You meet up on Mondays, you feel a connection yet she gives you no emotion and she talks about a guy she is seeing?

 

What gives you the impression that she is interested in you when in reality she is seeing someone else? In addition, you are interested in a girl that is seeing someone else yet is hanging out with another guy on Mondays. If she does that to him then what will she do to you?

 

Based on what you are saying I don't think there is anything but an illusion.

[Raoul]

Lots of people go out Nin.

 

We were seeing each other for two years when things went off the rails. We've been talking and occasionally meeting for several months now. There is still 'something' there. I'd like it to be more than past lovers becoming friends.

 

It's quite possible I'm seeing things differently than I ought. That's why I'm here.

[NIN2000]

What makes you believe that she is interested in you when in fact she is "seeing another guy"? In addition, according to you everytime you both meet up that is mostly what you speak about.

 

How do you come to the conclusion that there is a "connection"?

 

I think you are setting yourself up for failure. From the little you wrote, there is no evidence to suggest that this girl is interested in you outside of a friendship.

[Raoul]

You may be right Nin. She mentions this guy in passing. It's far from 'mostly' what we speak about.

 

You are doubly right about 'the little I wrote". I favored being (overly?) terse in my summary of what I'm asking.

 

Failure is not the desirable outcome here. I have no illusions about the possibility. I've never feared failure in any aspect of my life. What I don't want is to just walk away.

 

'Friends' may be all there is or can be here. I'd like a different path. That is what I'm asking about.

 

Her interest? She and I talk, she agrees to see me - those are observable. Me thinking that there may be more is, again, why I'm here asking.

[NIN2000]

You may be right Nin. She mentions this guy in passing. It's far from 'mostly' what we speak about.

 

You are doubly right about 'the little I wrote". I favored being (overly?) terse in my summary of what I'm asking.

 

Failure is not the desirable outcome here. I have no illusions about the possibility. I've never feared failure in any aspect of my life. What I don't want is to just walk away.

 

'Friends' may be all there is or can be here. I'd like a different path. That is what I'm asking about.

 

Her interest? She and I talk, she agrees to see me - those are observable. Me thinking that there may be more is, again, why I'm here asking.

 

In that case, I would be very cautious. If you open up at the wrong time or to fast, then you risk losing her and not even having a friendship.

 

Let her do most of the talking and see what is on her mind? What are her interest? Have you asked her where she sees herself with this other guy she talks about? Is she having doubts about him or does she want to work things out with him?

 

Gauge her in a manner in which you go with the flow of the conversation but you don't establish the flow. Make her feel comfortable and allow her to know you well but if she continues to show interest in this other guy then I wouldn't further bother with this girl. Try to extend your meetings and do other things together. Take it slow.

[Raoul]

Thank you Nin. I do need to broach things with her.

 

Patience and not expecting too much from the first effort are important. It's difficult to do things like this with no expectations. I expect no 'let's get back together' moment. But your read is spot on.

 

'He' is mostly a cipher - not around much, little apparent emotion on her part as he passes through our conversations. But he's in her life in some perhaps important way.

 

Balancing risk with caution is not an easy hing for me. But I can work with that - thanks!

[Clinton]

You had a two year relationship that devolved into friendship. Now you meet as friends but want a relationship.

 

Just ask her out on a date. Tell her you'd like to see if you can build a relationship again. All the gamesmanship is useless. After this amount of time she knows where you fit into her life. Most likely it's just as a friend. As much as you say her boyfriend is a cipher, she's still with him.

 

Take a chance, it's the only way to know. Playing the friend game waiting for an opening is a waste if time

[Raoul]

No games Clinton, I get it.

 

Just trying to get to that place where I know I gave it my best. She's always been her own woman, one of the things I always loved most about her.

 

The way back to someone usually doesn't go well. That's why I'm asking here.

 

Thanks.

[Shane Falco]

I second what Clinton is saying. You might as well just be honest with your intentions and put it on the table (not in a clingy, desperate way, but in a confident, direct way). Therefore, neither one of you are wasting each other's time going for a relationship that the other person has no interest in. I feel as if you are looking for some 10-step process to get her back and trying to manipulate the situation in that way. It doesn't work like that -- either she's into you or she's not. Based on what you've written, I would guess no -- it doesn't sound like there's much flirting and she does mention another guy. Even if it's in passing, that's not a good thing for you. But if I were you, I'd stop beating around the bush and playing this game. Ask her on an actual date and if she accepts, then treat it like an actual date with flirting, touching, kissing, etc. And if he doesn't accept, back off, let your intentions marinate and see if she makes a move back. If she does after a while, you have a chance. If she doesn't, then you're dead to rights and you can move forward.

[Raoul]

Thanks Shane.

 

I can take knowing as opposed to not trying.