Breaking Down

[MissMelissa]

Monday early afternoon, I posted the backstory about my relationship with "K", if you have any inclination to read it.

 

I hadn't seen "K" in many weeks, and we'd spoken little in that time. Monday afternoon, he was feeling ill and I offered to take him some Sprite. He said he had yard work to do, but he could visit with me for a bit if I wanted to stop by. To say I was thrilled is an understatement. I was so nervous driving to his house that I must have checked my make-up 10 times, and kept looking at my phone to see if he'd canceled.

 

I arrived to find him in the back yard, weed-eating. He stopped when he saw me, and came over to greet me. No hug, no contact, just his incredible smile. We sat on the deck, made small talk for 20 minutes or so, then he made a joking comment about my breasts. I laughed it off, being unsure of where our relationship stands and what's "allowed" as friends. A few more minutes of talk, then he said, "Did I tell you I bought a new leaf blower at the pawn shop? You have to check it out." I thought he was uncomfortable, had run out of things to talk about, or wanted to get me up so he could lead me to my car as a polite indication to leave. We walked to the garage and he dropped the door, stepped very close to me, and leaned in. I wanted VERY badly to kiss him, but I stepped back and said, "No, I can't do this. It's not fair."

 

He simply raised the door and we walked around to the front yard, discussing his plants and trees. As we came back around to the driveway, he led me again to the garage. Now, I might be a fool, but I am not foolish. I knew why we were going to the garage, and I didn't stop him this time. We ended up in the house, his bedroom door locked behind us. As I was leaving, he said, "Let me know you made it home safely." Then he blew me a kiss.

 

After, I was both ashamed and happy. Ashamed of myself because I had every intention of remaining "friendly", and not pushing him to make a decision about dating me or moving on from our relationship, or sleeping with him in an effort to get back together with him. Happy because I love this man with every fiber of my being, and I have missed him, missed us, and it was wonderful to have that time with him.

 

He has been much more attentive since then. He wished me Happy Birthday five times yesterday, and was constantly checking in with me. He texted at 5.10 this morning, and continued texting until he called at 6.30 while on his way to work. This was our habit for the past year, for him to text early and frequently during the day, calling on his way to work and whenever he got a break, never forgetting to say I love you.

 

I've been trying hard not think too much about what we did. I've maintained a cool(ish) attitude, not pushing him to say that what happened was as important to him as it was to me, or reading into it and assuming things are okay between us. I know that he needs to look deep into his heart to decide if he can forgive the things we've been through the past year and work towards building our relationship stronger and deeper, or if he can't forgive and needs to move on.

 

I know this isn't us "getting back together" or a new start or anything of the sort. I'm not silly enough to believe that one encounter after months of distance is going to repair "us". I am smart enough to know that, despite his declaration that he wants to be my friend if we don't get back together, I love him too much to take two steps back into "friend territory". I can't spend my days missing him, and my evenings wondering who he's with, all the while knowing he is dating and trying to meet that person to spend his future with. That is a pain that I am not willing, or able, to subject myself to. I hope that seeing me again reminded him of the passion and love and comfort and friendship we brought to our relationship, and that he realizes that he doesn't want to lose that, lose us.

 

Because being in limbo is a horrible place to be, I have decided to set a "drop-dead date", for myself. I am going to give him until the end of Sept. to make a decision about which direction we go. It's been 2.5 weeks already, and I think giving him another 2.5 is fair. If he is still on the fence, I will pull the plug and we will have no contact. Anything less would be too painful, and would never allow either of us to have closure and finality.

 

Whew. Got awfully wordy. Thanks for reading.

[mhowe]

It was a booty call. Nothing more.

[HeartGoesOn]

I hope that seeing me again reminded him of the passion and love and comfort and friendship we brought to our relationship, and that he realizes that he doesn't want to lose that, lose us.

 

If he loves and respects you, he'll return to you on his own without the need for a reminder. The above approach has the potential to have the opposite effect, which is likely to result in a FWB's situation.

[sky09]

Why don't you just talk to him? Aren't you guys both grown ass people? Stop playing these mind games and "unintentional" booty calls. Talk to him straight up, like you're doing here. If you can't do that, then good luck to both of you.

[MissMelissa]

First, I won't let it get to a FWB level. I deserve more, and so does he. It was not a good idea to let it happen, I realize that now. Hindsight etc.

 

We have talked about our relationship many times, as grown ass people. What we've decided is that we love each other, but he isn't sure he can get past the crap my parents and ex, and I, have done. Understandable. And I love him enough to give him some time to figure it out. SOME, not infinite.

 

Maybe my skin is too thin, but I thought coming here would be helpful. There's an awful lot of snark and put-downs ...

[sky09]

First, I won't let it get to a FWB level. I deserve more, and so does he. It was not a good idea to let it happen, I realize that now. Hindsight etc.

 

We have talked about our relationship many times, as grown ass people. What we've decided is that we love each other, but he isn't sure he can get past the crap my parents and ex, and I, have done. Understandable. And I love him enough to give him some time to figure it out. SOME, not infinite.

 

Maybe my skin is too thin, but I thought coming here would be helpful. There's an awful lot of snark and put-downs ...

 

If that's what you call it... Just a third-party look at your situation w/o any sugar-coating - that's not what you or anyone else on here needs. However, internet might not be such a great place to get an advice from e-people on a real-life situation. All we can do is throw our opinions your way, and you be the judge of your decision(s).

 

What we've decided is that we love each other, but he isn't sure he can get past the crap my parents and ex

 

Love should be able to conquer those things. My ex's parents were wary of me at first, but after some time we've became very friendly towards each other and actually developed a relationship.

If you love him the way you say you do, work with him thru it - talk to your parents, talk to your ex. Don't put him in that situation again, or at least try not to. I think he can persevere thru it.

[MissMelissa]

You are absolutely right, sky09, the internet is probably not the right place to look for advice, esp when no one knows the entire story. I've tried talking to my parents about it, but they sing the same song about my ex - "He's the father of our grandkids, you need to grow up and get over it, blah blah." In fact, yesterday was my mom's bday, guess who was invited over for cake and ice cream? Yeah, respect is non-existent.

 

I believe much the same way, that our love should be able to get us through the rough patches. It has soothed some of the hurtful things he's said and done, and I've chosen to forgive him for them vs carrying a grudge and allowing it to color my feelings. Because I love him that much. He feels that he will have no place in my family, in my life, bc my parents and brothers (whom my ex didn't have friendships w/ UNTIL we separated, go figure) allow my ex to maintain "his place", despite us being divorced.

 

My mom suggested I start dating, to let him "see how he likes it, show him what he stands to lose". Her motive is, ultimately, to get him out of the picture with the hope I'll meet someone who will deal with the situation as SHE thinks he should. Regardless of how my internet ravings come off, I am not immature, childish or dumb. And I don't believe that hurting someone to "get even" is the way to deal with it.

 

Anyway, I have a very, very busy 1.5 weeks ahead of me, and I will have very little time to see him. I hope that, after I'm moved into my new house and all the company has left, he and I can find the time to talk and he may finally have a grasp on which direction he'd like his life to go in.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.