How do i keep myself from ending up like my parents?

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

Well, They say that most kids end up exactly like their parents. My fear is that I will end up like them and repeat the same mistakes. My dad had some abusive tendencies, and it was enought to make me be scared of him. Apparently his dad was the same way and his grandpa too. I'm afraid that I will end up like that and I don't want to. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me and i don't hurt my family at all by being abusive myself in anyway shape or form. Its hard on me seeing that kids end up like their parents. How do I grow so I don't make the same mistakes and that i can a life where I don't end up doing the same thing. How do i grow so i don't end up this way? It scares me.

[ShySoul]

I don't believe that kids have to grow up to be exactly like their parents. The reason this happens is because its our parents who are suppose to teach us our values. We grow up wanting to emulate our parents and be just like them. Most of the time this is okay, but not if there is some major problem like abuse. Sometimes people don't work through the problems they had with this kind of treatment and then end up repeating the same things their parents did. They really know no other alternative of how to handle things so they fall back on the one thing they know, even if they know its wrong.

 

You've already taken the first and hardest step my admitting there is a problem and that you don't want to repeat it. First, make sure you are fully dealing with the problems you have with your father. If need be, talk to someone about it. Realize that you are not reasonsible for his actions, you are not to blame for how he is. That kind of guilt will only hurt you and make you angry inside, an anger that you could end up unleashing on your children. Also, know that you are not your father. You make your own choices and do not have to follow in his footsteps. You are your own man. Finally, use what you've seen as motivation to improve the situation. Remember the hurt you felt and vow that your children will never go through that. If you ever even begin to notice in the slighest that your doing something your father would do, stop and think about how you don't want to be that kind of guy. Bottom line, you are not your father. You sound very mature and intelligent. I know that you are not an abusive person and theres no law saying you will ecome one.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

I do know that I'm not at fault for things and that my father is. I have a hard time getting along with both of my parents. My mom pretty much kept me sheltered all my life and this was the life that i saw really. I never really saw how other people lived or had anyone to look up to growing up. Luckly I had an oppurtinuty to get out of the environment that i was growing up in and had a chance to go to high school in wisconsin (i technically live in kentucky). There i had a chance get out and have somewhat of role models besides my parents. I'm not really close to my mom either because I always saw where it was like she would delibrately provoke my dad and i saw reasons for him to be mad.

 

The problem really started to hit me last spring, I would call home and my dad would answer the phone. That is really rare because my dad never answers the phone. my mom always gets it. And finnally after my dad would hand the cordless to my mom she would always complain to me about her back hurting her an all of that. (she has arthritis so i wasn't sure). Later i discovered it was an injury and i found out that my dad was the one who gave her that injury. That was the most serious thing he has done to anyone. My sister said that things happened when i was a baby but it ended. I was too young to remember. I do remember him grabing me shaking me, yelling at me, and spitting in my face when i was misbehaving. I also rememeber my mom yelling at me telling me what a rotten kid i am, throw curses at me, telling me to go to h*** and etc.

 

Anyway my dad has been put on meds for his problem and things have seem to be getting better, but i'm scared of turning out this way. I do have problems dealing with anger. I have lashed out at people and it scares me. I also have problems beating myself and cutting myself. My ex girlfriend said she was scared that night we broke up when i beat myself up over the phone. I still have scars from me beating myself. It scares me that I have done things like that. I never laid a hand on my gf and i never would have. I cared to much to hurt her. But it does scare me htat there is that possibility.

 

I know that its me that can control what happens but how can I do that. I can I prevent from lashing out at people and beating myself crapless? How can I grow to be a better person? How can I grow to live a happy life without burdens like this?

[ShySoul]

Hey,

 

Believe me, I know where your coming from. My family life hasn't been that great either. I'll send you a PM sharing my experience and thoughts later since I seem to be having trouble staying on right now and don't want to start writing something only to be kicked off and have it erased. But know that in a lot of ways I can relate and I'm sure there are alot of people out there who can also relate. Your not alone in what you are feeling. Like I said, you've taken the first step in admitting there is a problem. That shows tremendous strength and maturity. I would suggest seeking out some consoling to help you work through your anger and frustrations. There more trained in this stuff then I am and they can help you deal with what your feeling inside. When you go through the kind of stuff you mentioned it takes a toll on you and it becomes easier to develop a short temper and lash out at yourself or others. But you are stronger then this, never forget that. Sometimes just talking about it is a big help. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. And keep believing in yourself and know that things will get better.

[talo]

Yes Mylife, we are destined to be like our parents unless we are more aware: unless we adopt different views on life than our parents have/had: unless we define 'our situation' differently.

 

You talk of anger and beating yourself up. You ask "How can I grow to live a happy life without burdens like this?" And you also correctly intuit that you can control and prevent this.

 

The anger and beating up are the physical symptoms of how you see yourself, your situation.

 

You live a happy life essentially by 'seeing' 'your situation' as being without burdens. There are two aspects to 'your situation', any situation: the physical aspect and the mental aspect. The physical aspect is of secondary importance; the mental aspect is primary. The mental aspect of 'your situation' is how you 'see' your physical situation. In effect it is the emotional colouration of your physical situation. It is your attitude to your physical situation. It is the definition, the 'putting into words' of your physical situation.

 

Thus:

If you define your situation as a burden you will see a burden and be burdened...

If you define your situation as in any way unsatisfactory you will see an unsatisfactory situation and be unsatisfied....

If you define your situation as annoying, you will see annoyance and be annoyed, perhaps extremely annoyed or angry and perhaps want to vent this annoyance, anger, either on other(s) or yourself.

If you define your situation as intolerable, you will see intolerance and be intolerable and perhaps want to 'get out of' an 'intolerable situation'.

 

Being in a particular situation is defining yourself as being in that situation.

 

Defining, is the mental aspect of your situation. Watch how you define 'your situation'.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

Is there tips on doing things without counseling?