Sociopath. How to get out of the vicious circle of lonelyness ?

[siegfri333]

So after a recent heartbreak, which followed by a few months a failure at changing jobs, i'm back again on the life-reorganization table.

 

Only now it's becoming more and more a life and death issue as anything i've tried before didn't help me grow and change one bit, and living with myself and those thoughts is becoming more painful as time goes by.

 

Background: i'm a so-called "looser" : man, age 33, no friends, boring job and boring/bored person.

 

I'll sum up all the problems i have :

 

Professional problem

- smalltime public servant job, underlining a lack of professional ambition/career in life

- i don't know how its called where you are, but i'm working for the admnistration who collect taxes. Most people have a negative outlook on this.

- overall the public sector in the country i live in has a reputation of being a sanctuary for dead-alive good-for-nothing people who wouldn't get a job in the private sector. It's of course entirely true.

- my job is a boring, administrative paper fest where i pretty much harass people to pay their tax when they forget to do so.

My personnality problems

- pessimistic/ glass half-full personnality ("i failed eveything i've done", "foreigners are invading the country" etc)

- not taking any big risks

- lack of motivation in everything i do (i started many hobbies that i gave up after a year)

- easily demotivated (i'm deep down lazy)

- very sensitive to being abandoned (love or friendships)

 

Relationships

- i'm not a popular guy, i'm a loner, i have difficulties with smalltalk with men and women alike since i don't have much material to talk about; or even at regular social events like dancing; if i go to the same place for too long there comes a time where all people "know" who i am and nobody talks to me anymore;

- when i find a girl it usually lasts at least 3-5 months, longest was 4 years. Typical personnalities i'm attracted to is a positive person who got ambitions in life and do not like to remain idle (opposite of me); we usually lock ourselves in a passionate bubble of sex and romance for weeks/months/years until she opens her eyes. Only girls i've had relationships with have been mutual crush where i didn't have to court for very long, or at all

- i've yet to understand how i manage to attract girls (but perfectly know why they leave eventually); i guess i have a decent face, a slim attractive body, a mysterious and piercing green gaze, and can fuel conversations at the beginning of a relationships with my peculiar interests (History books) and personnality; then it's all a matter of "clicking" or not;

- in bed : either all the women i've met simulate, or i'm better than average. Since most women i made love to were wet before the act until very late in any relationships, i like to believe i don't have problems in that department (thank the gods).

- why my relationships ends ? I'm boring, and bored. Nothing happens around me, it's just boring routine on top of subjects of conversations drying up because nothing happens with my non-existent hobbies, complete absence of social life due to no friends, and boring job where nothing happens. Frankly, only the great sex and kissing and feelings of being loved i provide keep them around longer than they should; i also have a decent non-aggressive personnality, it just feels that nothing i say or do has a chance to get done seriously, which is a MAJOR turnoff for any woman.

 

2 years ago, i wanted to do a 180° on my life for all those (same) reasons and followed a 1 year course at uni where i was back with 20 yo something students. I succedeed but unfortunately, the job wasn't right for me (short story : filled with gossipingwomen, boring administrative job, low pay, not much perspective of professional evolution; overall it was way too similar to what i was doing before with added pressure and no reward ) and i went back to my public servant job. During that period of studies, i had a very positive karma and attracted a few different women. When i got back to the public servant job, i entered a depressive state, i was half alive, sad, sensing that i completely failed at taking a different direction in life. All the faults in my life came back at once to haunt me : lonely, boring, bored, and it's like i was tied to my chair, not willing to do anything anymore.

 

Anyway.

 

I'm just wondering where to go now... in the next few months i've decided to do the following:

- see a therapist (i'm doubtful of therapy, but i'm really desperate right now)

- take medecine (something i've always held back because i wanted to be normal in natural ways, but i'm desperate)

- start the machine to yet again change jobs but this time with a lot more preparation so i really choose what i'd like to do

- take up guitarplaying again (lost everything)

 

Then comes the subject of my social life. Here i'm at loss, because this is a major issue where proactivity on my part did not help in the past.

 

1) For the past 10 years my main and major hobby has been social-dancing. This is where i met all my girlfriends. Now it would all sound cool and rosy, but for me it wasn't so. It's a superficial world for sociopaths like me where inability to build long-lasting friendships leads to exclusion and lonelyness in the middle of a crowd. This was the only way i found to get out of home and meet girls. Frankly, i still like dancing, but i know i won't find love there (and yet i can't imagine sharing a life with someone who doesn't dance).

2) I don't get along with other guys. I'm not interested in any sport and don't practise any either; i don't have cool life experiences to share with others. I'm more or less a recluse. They find me boring and unfun (which i am), and thus, i never made any guyfriend.

 

This is the root of all my social problems : without friends i have no social life. Without social life and a decent personality, people won't become my friends. When people realize i'm so lonely, they back away very quickly, judging me for the social freak i indeed am.

 

I want to try very hard - and without drama, for the last time - to reach out to the world and try to be a better more social person.

But i'm afraid the same causes will cause the same results.

 

Before you ask, how did i keep myself busy when i wasn't going out or didn't have a girlfriend? I played World of Warcraft. It was my drug, it kept me busy, and it was all for nothing. I don't anymore though, which is why i'm here asking for advice.

 

What should i do to get out of this vicious circle ?

 

Thanks.

[catfeeder]

- see a therapist (i'm doubtful of therapy, but i'm really desperate right now)

 

This is a very good place to start. Your post shows that you've already laid a solid foundation for the work you can do in therapy.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[Bilawa]

Hi, I agree that you see a therapist or a life coach. From my own experience, it always help to discuss it with someone that that will help you to pursue what you want. For me it is a sign that we are really serious to make a change. Some people say they want to change but not really doing anything.

 

You seem somehow able to "map" what happen in your life. During one of my therapy session I was advice to make that kind of mapping, about all the things that bother me, things I consider to be a problem in my life. Even more, I was encouraged to track and investigate it myself, what causing all of these, what are the roots of the problem. I wrote it (writing is a good catharsis for me ever since), used as much as paper that I needed. It feels like clearing it out of your system.

 

Afterward I read it again, was trying to figure a pattern and clues to the question "what do I want for myself". I was asked if I can do anything, what can I offer myself as a solution to all those problems (regardless of what I have, what I suffer, etc.). For me somehow it helped me to see what I never saw in my life. It started from there and I follow it until now. I hope it would help you too.