Dating with opposite custody schedules?

[IAmFCA]

Hi everyone,

 

New dating relationship here, started over the summer when custody schedules were lenient due to travel etc. Wow factor, values etc shared by each of us. Intentions not in question. This coupling has legs.

 

Has anyone started a new thing with someone else, while each is an active parent with opposite custody schedules? Its too early to involve kids, blend meal times etc etc. We just need to date like normal people.

 

Kids are 11 and 14 (two each, same ages, each). They stay up till 10+; we devote our home time to them to the near exclusion of everything else; its what we both have chosen to do long before meeting one another. Phone time, actual dating time is tough to accomplish!

 

I have some ideas of my own. You guys always inspire me. Thanks in advance for sharing.

[SoulTaker]

ITIC, can you provide further details on "opposite custody schedules"? Do you both have full custody? Does he have "visitation" rights (every other weekend)?

[IAmFCA]

- He has 50/50 time, every other weekend plus certain days of the week.

- I have sole physical custody, except my ex hosts them for visitation every other weekend.

- Our weekends are opposite.

- At this time, neither of our exes can switch.

 

Neither of us will go out when our kids are with us; as I have mine full time, I will on select occasions. Mine are completely self-sufficient. When I have work commitments after hours, they know my work supports us and they are ambitious for me and are amazingly supportive of me. If it were a date, though, they would associate the man with taking me away from them, so I make an effort not to go out when they are home. And I am glad to be home with them anyway; that privilege is what i live for in the first place.

 

We may have a date Friday, because my kids will be out; he was mid-stride making plans to go away for the weekend. Leaving it to last minute when our kids make other plans is not sustainable, and takes away the whole dating dance. I am missing the dance.

[SoulTaker]

It's strange that there is such a lack of flexibility in one of you not being able to switch the weekend schedule. A weekend, is a weekend (nothing special about the dates). Hopefully, the "exes" are not playing hardball on this matter.

 

Usually, there are times when an "ex" wants the kids for a special reason, and deals can be made (like switching the schedule). I've never come accross anything like this when there was no flexibility, especially with you having the upper hand (sole custody). This is assuming that the "exes" are not being told that the request is due to dating.

 

There's always the option of getting a babysitter, or relative to watch the kids. Maybe it's a personal thing, but I don't know why the kids (at their age) need the parent to be there 24/7.

[Batya33]

"Maybe it's a personal thing, but I don't know why the kids (at their age) need the parent to be there 24/7."

 

But she's not talking about 24/7 -she works and they go to school and have activities. I would guess that especially given the divorce she wants to spend her custody time to its fullest, not because they need caretaking.

[IAmFCA]

Yes, this is the issue for each of us: we fought for the privilege of parenting our children. Being with them is the whole point. Work is distracting enough. My kids will take care of themselves, certainly. If I need to be away for an event, they will be fine. If I go on an occasional date, they will be fine. If I regularly have one night out/week, they will note that my man is taking me away from them. I would be spending it away from them, with someone else, by choice, and with no benefit to my kids. They would be exactly right. So I don't do it, except on select occasions.

 

In the case of my exH: His gf has a son; the son's dad won't switch; the ex's gf and her exH are two angry souls who fight over every $50 expense. My girls and my ex's gf's son want to remain on the same weekend schedule. They have become accustomed to seeing each other every other weekend and forming a sort of family experience while all staying at my ex's gf's house.

 

My exH lives out of state from the rest of us. He will help out when he can, but he is often not in town. He flies in to stay at his gf's on the weekends, or at least on custody weekends. Otherwise, I am truly on my own with them, unless I plan well in advance.

 

His ex-- They are friends; she is seeing someone; not sure what the sensitivity is. I am hopeful he finds a way to secure a switch, but nothing yet nor expected soon. Their divorce is only a year old; its a little fresh.

 

I had a breakthrough yesterday that encouraged him to be more conversational (by text) and helped me understand when his texts go quiet. That helps a lot. [Neither of us likes being on the phone; we talk all day for work and generally have kids around at night. Texts can be interrupted and private.] Our interest in each other remains high and the dynamics remain compelling.

 

Powering through it till a solution shows itself.

 

 

"Maybe it's a personal thing, but I don't know why the kids (at their age) need the parent to be there 24/7."

 

But she's not talking about 24/7 -she works and they go to school and have activities. I would guess that especially given the divorce she wants to spend her custody time to its fullest, not because they need caretaking.

[abitbroken]

I think that for now, you get a babysitter or have a relative watch your kids for a date night on a night he doesn't have his kids. Maybe he will split the cost with you. It may seem onesided but if you have your kids pretty much full time, for now, that might be how it has to be. Also, I don't think its unreasonable for him at least once a month to have an aunt and uncle or his parents take the kids for an outing in the afternoon or evening. I would assume they see their extended family on his side sometimes during his weekends, right?

 

Also, do you work close enough where you could grab lunch once a week, or coffee before work?

[abitbroken]

If I go on an occasional date, they will be fine. If I regularly have one night out/week, they will note that my man is taking me away from them. I would be spending it away from them, with someone else, by choice, and with no benefit to my kids. They would be exactly right. So I don't do it, except on select occasions.

 

Stop right there - you steer your kids' perception and comfortability with things. If you let them run you by playing "mom goes on a date once a week...this man is taking our mommy away!" attitude, then its about you letting them do it or you are only perceiving that is how they will react. Once a week for a regular date is NOT taking you away from them when they have you the other 4 weeknights. And they should experience things in life that is not 100% benefit to them. They are not 2 and 4 years old. It IS to their benefit that mom is happy and lives a balanced life, which makes her more emotionally available and have a longer fuse when it comes to her kids.

 

If you slept overnight from them with the boyfriend 4 nights a week - i could see where they are coming from - but if its only one night and you are very firm about how things are and that you won't entertain balking at it - you might be farther ahead.

 

I agree that his kids and yours shouldn't mix yet, nor should you hang out with the other kids until its time for that, but you can't shield them from the reality that mom is dating someone. You can either control it and make it regular (they have no choice) or you can let them dictate it. As long as you are not out all night on the date nights at least you can go out and enjoy dinner together.

[IAmFCA]

I think the night time thing is touchy so my kids don't feel threatened by my reduced attention; same for his kids. We each are the reliable steady parent in their lives, with the other parent being less predictable. Neither of us have family that takes our kids; our parents are not able to; our siblings are out of town or otherwise engaged. Our friends are our villages.... I find myself arranging sleepovers, as I was able to do for this weekend (before learning he may be out of town anyhow).

 

We can do the breakfast or lunch thing. I think that is a good idea, and I think it is worthwhile. Accomplishing that may help us later, too, by forcing us to build good relationship habits. Two people who spin out or have hyperfocus can use a habit to keep us on path. I will suggest that when I see him next....

 

 

I think that for now, you get a babysitter or have a relative watch your kids for a date night on a night he doesn't have his kids. Maybe he will split the cost with you. It may seem onesided but if you have your kids pretty much full time, for now, that might be how it has to be. Also, I don't think its unreasonable for him at least once a month to have an aunt and uncle or his parents take the kids for an outing in the afternoon or evening. I would assume they see their extended family on his side sometimes during his weekends, right?

 

Also, do you work close enough where you could grab lunch once a week, or coffee before work?

[IAmFCA]

Taking this under consideration. We (the daughters and I) talk openly with one another; I can have this conversation.

 

I think, if I consider your points and their demeanor, I could find a way that would result in them encouraging me to establish a regular date night, if not once a week, maybe twice a month.

 

I get your point. I also appreciate that I am the only person in their lives on whom they can depend, and the only person in their lives who has guided them through their dark times and fought for the lives they have now. Due to circumstances with their dad, it is clear to them that I have protected them from many changes to their detriment, provided for them when he could not or would not, and received them openly when they were meeting his gf while still married and burdened by being asked to keep his lie. They talk openly that among their friends, parents dating is viewed and discussed as a bad thing, a threat, a thing to watch out for. If this relationship endures, he will become someone whom they embrace and he will add to their lives, and this dynamic will go away. Right now, I am and have been a precious resource. I get why it is threatening.

 

You are right, though, there is potential here for a middle ground.

[abitbroken]

You are the one who steers their perception and you are the one that can give them way too much control. There are people who made bad choices, but that does not mean you cannot make ANY choices because another person let them down.

 

If they see mom, who is divorced, and can legally and ethically date going on dates that involve her coming home at a decent hour at first or at least when she said she would and in the same condition she went out in (no hair that was up straggling out and no ripped clothing), they see there is nothing hidden. It also teaches them proper dating etiquette, as your oldest will be dating in a few years, and encourages them to be open with you about their dating and to model behavior of proper etiquette.

 

You can't really maintain a relationship if you go on one date per month. That is totally unfair to you and means you are giving more sway to what kids at school say about parent dating. Your daughters now accept their dad's gf and her kids, so they will accept you having a boyfriend when the time is right if you require it. I know its important to understand their feelings, but not to the point that they have veto power over things you have carefully considered and have decided to do because it is right for you.

[SoulTaker]

"Maybe it's a personal thing, but I don't know why the kids (at their age) need the parent to be there 24/7."

 

But she's not talking about 24/7 -she works and they go to school and have activities. I would guess that especially given the divorce she wants to spend her custody time to its fullest, not because they need caretaking.

 

To me, she is talking 24/7. Every single parent deals with (work, school, activities). Spending custody time to the fullest doesn't mean not finding time for dating, especially at those ages. "Abitbroken" discusses what I was leading to, which is to find "middle ground".

 

The comment "If I go on an occasional date, they will be fine. If I regularly have one night out/week, they will note that my man is taking me away from them. I would be spending it away from them, with someone else, by choice, and with no benefit to my kids. They would be exactly right. So I don't do it, except on select occasions.", caught my attention.

[SoulTaker]

I agree with abitbroken. That is what I was conveying to ITIC. This is not directed at ITIC, but I've seen too many cases where women that I know have "sacrificed their lives" to appease their kids, when they should be the one controlling the situation.

[IAmFCA]

Definitely not sacrificing (I know you know that) but with this thread am considering adjusting my sense of balance.

 

It may take me a month or two to lead into it, and that's okay. I am conscious of making sure I am doing what I want to do, so that I don't feel I am putting forth disproportionate effort.

 

For example,I could make Wednesdays a night I generally have an engagement, to develop my friendships as well as my intimate life.... It's an interesting idea.

[SoulTaker]

Definitely not sacrificing (I know you know that) but with this thread am considering adjusting my sense of balance.

 

It may take me a month or two to lead into it, and that's okay. I am conscious of making sure I am doing what I want to do, so that I don't feel I am putting forth disproportionate effort.

 

For example,I could make Wednesdays a night I generally have an engagement, to develop my friendships as well as my intimate life.... It's an interesting idea.

 

Sounds like a plan. If two people want to be together, they will find a way, which the two of you will do.