what to do

[4everinfinate]

Ok so i previously posted awhile back about my boyfriends porn viewing and how bad it has bothered me.

 

Since then weve had many fight and convos about the situation. He always said hed quit and kept doing it and lying about it hardcore. Last time he lied about it i screen captured his search history for the day and sent it to him. He txted me and said that it wasnt him. Bold face lie. He then went to say i cornered him into lying. Impossible. You either self choose to lie or tell the truth.

 

After that day he quit for 2 weeks. Couple days later I asked him if hed watched anything recently. He called me and at first went to say "no baby i havnt i swear." Which was a lie. But then went silent and said "well i did one time this week" i thanked him for his honesty and told him how much the truth meant to me and hat i was proud.

 

A few days later i wrote him a letter explaining how happy i was that he told me the truth finally. Praised him for being honest and told him the main reasons why i hate it. And how much he was actually viewing it and neglecting me and his child.

 

He read it when he got home and txt me saying "About the whole stupid stuff I really didn't realize I was doing it that much. But I can honestly say talking to you prior about the whole situation, I think it made me feel more like dog that I've felt in a long time, and with that I honestly have not watched or done anything since then."

 

I didnt remember what convo he was speaking about so i asked which one and he said "Sometime last week when you asked me if I had watched anything I told you I had watched something once.It made me feel incredibly horrible for the rest of the day and I felt like a trashy person. I don't like that at all 100% do not like that"

 

I took that as a sign he was finally getting what ive been telling him for months. After that he didnt watch anything for a week. Then went wild and watched like 25 videos in one day! Or shall i say 25 videos during his 30min lunch. Then didnt watch anything for 5 days. Then watched only 3 video in 2 days. I was suprised. And sad he hadnt stopped.

 

I wrote him one last letter about it. About how his viewing is hurting our sexual life. Its turned our passionate sex into object sex with no feelings. And how ty it has become. Then threw at him what if i were doing the same as you? How would you honestly feel. And i did this because the night prior he thought i was playin with myself next to him in bed tryin to be secret about it. And he said that its not ok for me to masterbate because im violating my body which should be for only him to touch. But its okay for him to google other women? For those of you that dont know, he dpesnt masterbate ever.

 

Anyways, monday night he starts talking to me about my letter. He explains that hes never had this problem before. That in all previous relationships he never watched porn cause he believed that it was a harm to relationships. So i get to be the unlucky first to feel all this pain. I asked why im the only one. He said that when he left his exwife, and his daughter cause their marriage was violent that all his morals and values died inside him. That when he was finally single he went wild with everything cause he had lost everything when he left. Meaning seeing his daughtet al day every day.

 

He was cryin his eyes out sharing this. He said hes never been this happy before that i am truly perfect to him and that my body is what he wants and prefers not the fake people online. He said there is no reason he watchea it. Just something to do. Something that makes him feel manly. He said that he doesnt need it that he needs to stop tearing me apart and stop taking me for granted. That i deserve the same fairness everyone else got. He said hes done with it for real this time.

 

So heres my thing. For the first time ever he actually sounded very genuine while sayign all that. Yesterday i told him i need to know hes 100% into stopping. And that if he has a slip up that i jope hell come to me about it and not hide it and that im here to help along the way. He said im with you 100% baby.

 

So, is he seriously gunna quit? And what are somethings i can do to maybe help him or encourage him to continue to abstain from it? How can i be there for him without being up his ass about it and wether hes watching or not? I just dont know how i can just trust his words that hell stop without prying through his stuff. Or how i can be there for him as an encourager and not a nagger or make him feel ashamed if he slips up. Help please. This is our last try.

[Edmund Exley]

Its not the porn that's the issue. Its the agreeing to respect your wishes, not respecting them and lying about it that is the issue.

 

I think you need to look at his integrity and porn is the least of the problem with it.

[CraigHowes]

Why are you trying to control and screen his viewing habits that's completely up to him?

 

What insecurities do you have over porn? And why do you find this so offensive to you?

 

Is this seriously affecting your sexual life? Or does the fact that he watches porn affect the way you view him making love to you?

 

The majority of men watch porn it's a known fact and actually quite a lot of women too. Porn and the real world are completely different things and one shouldn't affect the other. As a man I use porn as a stimulate to get off to and that's it, I'm not watching it going oh I would really like to have sex with the person on the screen.

 

You either need to accept the fact that he watches porn or find someone more suited to your views and values.

 

He isn't changing and won't change because your trying to force him to. It's human nature if someone keeps telling you to do something you want to do the opposite it's a natural reaction.

 

You need to look at your own insecurity and control issues and why your acting like this because this isn't a healthy relationship or a healthy way to deal with issues like this.

 

Relationships are about being a team not trying to dictate your views onto them. People are free spirits and can do or feel whatever they want. He isn't you and that's what makes him who is.

[4everinfinate]

What is text speak? those are sentences and paragraphs. Its not one big block of words. Most of it is paraphrasing the situation so its not a long post. Your comment was not helpful or relating to my ending questions. I didnt say i didnt trust him at all. Just not fully. And how can i when ive been repeatedly lied to since april? I may not trust him 100%, but i do have trust in him and that he really does want to change. Just dont trust that he can or has the power to do what he says he strongly wants to.

[CraigHowes]

Couldn't disagree more Edmund, the issue is with her and her accusatory nature. I feel sorry for the poor guy if I was getting checked up on all the time I would lie about it too.

 

It's personal preference imagine someone didn't want you to watch your favourite tv show because they didn't agree with it and keep asking over ans over again. It would get annoying and you would lie and watch it anyway.

 

It's not like he is watching porn in front of her and what he does in his spare time is completely up to him. As long as it's not affecting the times they are together and it shouldn't then there isn't a issue here. Only the insecurity which has nothing to do with him.

[4everinfinate]

You people are stupid. Did you not read where i stated it is also his opinion that porn doesnt belong in a relationship not just mine. He doesnt use it to masterbate. He doesnt masterbate. He doesnt even think the things he watches is attractive. He boldly said he hates the fake women. That what he prefers is hard to find in porn. Which is average women. Oh and forgot to mention, hes not watching normal porn. He watches youtube videos of womens boobs bouncing up and down. Women shaking their asses and bending over. That is purely sick and degrading. Thats why i have a problem with it. And yes porn is the issue. He was neglecting his daughter wanting to play with him while he sat on the couch watching this with her 3 feet away. Mind you shes 6 years old. Hed sit right at our kitchen table and watch it while talking to me and claimingto be on facebook. Our sex went from 20-24 days a month to 12-14. Our once passion turned into let him get off and make me feel like im just his sex doll instead of his partner.

 

Plus he also agreed that he disnt realize how nasty he was being with it. That he disnt realize how much of his life he was wasting and then complaining he never gets good quality time with me and his kid. He chose to quit this time. Not me. All i asked was for him to not let it get that bad again. So i dont need to quit forcing anythign cause i never forced him to choose.

[Edmund Exley]

What is text speak? those are sentences and paragraphs. Its not one big block of words. Most of it is paraphrasing the situation so its not a long post. Your comment was not helpful or relating to my ending questions. I didnt say i didnt trust him at all. Just not fully. And how can i when ive been repeatedly lied to since april? I may not trust him 100%, but i do have trust in him and that he really does want to change. Just dont trust that he can or has the power to do what he says he strongly wants to.

 

That's not directed at you. Its in my signature.

[Edmund Exley]

You people are stupid.

 

I was going to add some additional guidance, but you just blew that.

[CraigHowes]

Ok I apologise for jumping the gun now that uve given me the full explanation, I agree with you completely that his actions are obsessive and wrong especially with his kid right in front of him.

 

How long have you been dating? Have you noticed a change in your relationship that would of caused the reduce in his sex drive and his turning to porn? Does he turn you down when you initiate? Do you still get a chance to do couple stuff? Or has that quietened down?

[Edmund Exley]

I share a similiar view of yours on porn from a personal perspective. That said, part of being in a relationship is appreciating the view of your partner and their needs as well. Yes you have a right to look at porn, but do you have to? If your partner says its bothersome, do you think its beneficial to not compromise? Is it about needing the porn or is it about doing what you want to do because you feel entitled?

 

As you say its about being a team, and part of being a team is compromise. The porn bothers her. That's her right. If its that much of a must have for him, then he needs to find someone who shares his view on the subject.

 

And to be clear, I think that digging behind his back is not the right way to feel trust, which goes back to my original point on integrity.

[Edmund Exley]

Ok I apologise for jumping the gun now that uve given me the full explanation, I agree with you completely that his actions are obsessive and wrong especially with his kid right in front of him.

 

How long have you been dating? Have you noticed a change in your relationship that would of caused the reduce in his sex drive and his turning to porn? Does he turn you down when you initiate? Do you still get a chance to do couple stuff? Or has that quietened down?

 

If his contention was that openly cheating is acceptable, but she didn't think so, would you tell her that as long as her sexual needs are being met its not her right to impose her view on him?

 

This is about respecting and sharing views. Porn is just the topic they disagree on.

[freewill1234]

You people are stupid.

I'll give you my stupid advice anyways.

 

 

 

If you truly believe what he is saying ...

 

Did you not read where i stated it is also his opinion that porn doesnt belong in a relationship not just mine. He doesnt use it to masterbate. He doesnt masterbate. He doesnt even think the things he watches is attractive. He boldly said he hates the fake women.

 

... repeat the first line of your sentence, replacing "You people are" to "I am" and repeat it to yourself a few times.

[Edmund Exley]

I'll give you my stupid advice anyways.

 

 

 

If you truly believe what he is saying ...

 

 

 

... repeat the first line of your sentence, replacing "You people are" to "I am" and repeat it to yourself a few times.

 

Wow, good point. I stopped reading at stupid. So he thinks there is no use for porn, doesn't use it for sexual gratification, doesn't like the women in it, but cant stop looking at it?

 

Right.

[4everinfinate]

This all started in april. He had to take a huge loan out to pay his portion of our rent. And it made him feel like less of a man that he cant provide for his family cause he blows his money on dumb stuff. Thats when he started with the porn and youtube videos in the havy state he was being with it. Yes he watxhed porn prior. And i knew about it and accwpted it and it disnt bother me at all. It ony startes to bother me when he started hiding it randomly, lying about it. Neglecting his time with us for it then complaining he never gets enough time with us. I started having a problem with it when he started letting it control every free moment he had instea of doing something constructive like he used to.

 

Weve been togwther a year and a half but have been inlove with eachother for over a deacde. Now heres the thing. This is his choice to quit. I did not give him an ultimatum. I asked foe it to not get out of hand again. Hes choosing to quit. And ijust want to know how i can be supportive for him and help him along the way. Not how to force him to quit.

[Edmund Exley]

This is his choice to quit. I did not give him an ultimatum. I asked foe it to not get out of hand again. Hes choosing to quit. And ijust want to know how i can be supportive for him and help him along the way. Not how to force him to quit.

 

Then why are you going through history logs?

[4everinfinate]

I am not stupid for believing that. Hes turned down plenty of perfect looking women in the past cause it isnt his taste. I witnessed it not just hear say. And no he really doesnt masterbate. Even his ex wife thought that was strange but he doesnt. It just isnt his cup of tea. And he truly does believe porn doesnt go in a relationship. He asked his exs to stop doing it for him previously cause it made him feel the same way. When i asked how hed feel if i watched porn, he said hed be pi$$ed off and hurt and never see me the same.

 

So no i am not stupid for believing his true feelings. And thinking that is saying he has no emotions as a human being and isnt capable of having genuine feelings like the rest of all human kind.

[4everinfinate]

I go through history cause i refuse to be lied to. I give him 100% honesty about everything. Where i am where igo who i talk to. Everything. I get accused regularly of cheating. He goes through my phone and personal journal all the time. And always finds nothing. So why not tell myself the truth hes too pathetic to say himself. Would you want to spend thw rest of your life believing a lie your spouse told you? Or would you rather pry find out the trurh ans be able to decide your future for yourself ans not live it based off a lie?

[Edmund Exley]

I go through history cause i refuse to be lied to. I give him 100% honesty about everything. Where i am where igo who i talk to. Everything. I get accused regularly of cheating. He goes through my phone and personal journal all the time. And always finds nothing. So why not tell myself the truth hes too pathetic to say himself. Would you want to spend thw rest of your life believing a lie your spouse told you? Or would you rather pry find out the trurh ans be able to decide your future for yourself ans not live it based off a lie?

 

I wouldn't. Do you?

[Edmund Exley]

And he truly does believe porn doesnt go in a relationship.

 

BUT HE IS WATCHING PORN?

 

You are being lied to.

[4everinfinate]

I know. Thats my point! He thinks it doesnt belong. Leaving his daughter behind made his lose all hope in his values and morals as a man and in a relationship. He wants to get those back but doesnt know how. He said "i do it cause im great a messing everything up. Its what i do best. So why not go all out" thats how he was thinking with it all. But then said he doesnt want to be that way but its become second nature notto care about anything since then. But he wants to change for himself and me and his daughter. So how do i help him? How do i be supportive?

[Edmund Exley]

I know. Thats my point! He thinks it doesnt belong. Leaving his daughter behind made his lose all hope in his values and morals as a man and in a relationship. He wants to get those back but doesnt know how. He said "i do it cause im great a messing everything up. Its what i do best. So why not go all out" thats how he was thinking with it all. But then said he doesnt want to be that way but its become second nature notto care about anything since then. But he wants to change for himself and me and his daughter. So how do i help him? How do i be supportive?

 

I think there are issues here way beyond porn. The man is a liar. He controls you to the point you are not allowed to touch your self (the most basic human right), he insults you. This is not a good person.

[MisUnderstood9]

Who gives a crap where he gets his motor running as long as hes parking it in the right garage... like holy crap.

 

The issue isnt the porn, the issue is you're a control freak who doesnt trust her spouse. And he IS lying to you.. he can SAY it doesnt belong but he's still doing it! He is saying what he thinks you want to hear so you'll get off his case, period.

 

He LIKES watching the boobies bounce and the as shaking or he wouldnt be continuing to watch them -- thats like saying I hate hockey but I am going to watch all the games the whole season just because...

 

You are being lied to and manipulated -- he will continue to tell you what he thinks he needs to say so that you'll back off and leave him alone.

[4everinfinate]

The sad part, is he was once never this way until his ex wife. I watches their relationship crumble over her. Shed beat him with vases, remotes, anything. He wasnt allowed to have female friends. She cheated on him all the time. Degraded his self worth and still does to this day saying hes a bad father and a piece of crap. The mans a great dad. A dad wvery little girl wishes for. But the insecurities hes gotten from their marriage has completely spilled on over to me. When ive done nohing but be there. I do his laundry, clean the house solely, watch his daughter in the evenings till he gets off work, i support his every decision, i am completely in whole heartedly for him. Hes not a terrible person. Hes very loving and caring. To an extent. When it has to do with an insecurity of his, yes he goes too far with it.

 

He doesnt control me. I myself dont masterbate cause well i have no need for it. He satisfies my needs always. But he still believes i do and do it only next ro him while i thinl hes asleep. He doesnt control where i go or what i do or anything. He just strongly feels im going to cheat cause he doesnt feel deserving of me and that ill go and find something better if i knowthis. I do know he doesnt deserve my kindness with the things hes done. But, that doesnt mean im going to give up on him.

 

I just really dont know howbto build his self confidince. All his negative actions goes hand in hand with the fact he feels hes pathetic and undeserving of happiness because of the things hes done in his past. So he aids it with things he thinks will make him feel manly. Things he has no intrest in. And yeah it helps at that second but then he feels worse afterwards. So what do i do?

[CraigHowes]

Guys let's stop here for a minute as you say porn isn't the issue it's way beyond that now he is just using it for an escape from the real world.

 

You need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and communicate your concerns about him and his daughter and that he needs to consult outside help to resolve this issue. From reading your replys it sounds to me as a man who's lost all of his confidence and can't handle the fact that he is struggling to support and provide for his family. He is most likely running away from this by using this kind of material as an escape from reality which is not healthy and construction in any shape or form.

 

He has having huge ups and downs with this where he will be crying telling you I never use to be like this then be fine then go back down again, I'm sure that sounds familiar to you. He's lost who he is and where he fits into this world which is scary. I can kind of relate to him on my personal journey and people will only change when there ready to and to be honest they may never be ready. It usually takes getting the comfort rug of routine and familiarity to force change.

 

If he is not responsive to your talk you need to seriously need to reconsider your relationship with him as the more you tell him not to do it the less value it will hold as your actions aren't matching the worlds your saying.

 

This is a pivotal point in your relationship and I hope it goes the right way for you. I'm sorry your going through this but it's time to get serious and take action.

[4everinfinate]

To misunderstood9: have you ever seen a man break down completely in tears and lettinf all their personal feelings out? You wanna know how i know its genuine? Cause ive watched my father break down in the same genuine manner. And you can feel the severity of theyre fear of letting those deap emotions go. I know the difference in him feeding me bs and being honest. Psychology cues point this out. Mannerisms, tone of voice, eye contact and fidgeting give you the answer to honesty and lies. Everyone has a tell. When you learn the tell, you are able to establish the differences between the person feeding crap and being real