When should I have a serious commitment talk?

[tripped]

I met a girl back in April and we dated for about a month before she left town for the summer. She has been gone for three months, and in that time we have not been exclusive and free to date other people. However, we also kept in touch and became really close, and even though we never really talked about it, the impression I get is that she wants to enter into a relationship when she gets back. The problem for me is that I don't know if I am ready to commit, because I met somebody a few weeks ago who I have a very strong connection to and even though I hate it, it has created a lot of confusion for me. My question is… I am going to pick up this girl from the airport today, and I am not sure if I should clarify that I'm unsure about things now, before anything too physical or emotional happens, or if I should give it some time and just let things play out naturally. I don't want to go the second option and give the impression that I was using her for anything, but I also don't want to make anything a bigger deal than it has to be, considering I don't actually know if this is the end or if I just need a little bit more time to kind of feel things out before truly committing to something. Thoughts?

[faraday]

I would not have sex with either of them, and continue to date both of them to figure out which one I wanted to be exclusive with.

 

Wait, no. Actually, if I met two people and neither of them were exciting enough for me to ditch the other one for, I would end things with both of them and keep looking. Why waste everyone's time?

[tripped]

I would not have sex with either of them, and continue to date both of them to figure out which one I wanted to be exclusive with.

 

Wait, no. Actually, if I met two people and neither of them were exciting enough for me to ditch the other one for, I would end things with both of them and keep looking. Why waste everyone's time?

 

This would be the ideal situation, but unfortunately me and this girl did have sex previously, and there's no way to suggest we don't have sex without explaining the situation and having that conversation about everything that's on my mind.

[Man with Dog]

I would not have sex with either of them, and continue to date both of them to figure out which one I wanted to be exclusive with.

 

Wait, no. Actually, if I met two people and neither of them were exciting enough for me to ditch the other one for, I would end things with both of them and keep looking. Why waste everyone's time?

 

There must be some exceptions but you're probably right that if you cannot choose between 2 potential partners, the chances are that neither is right.

 

It is tempting but morally wrong to string both of them along for a while.

 

Good luck.

[faraday]

This would be the ideal situation, but unfortunately me and this girl did have sex previously, and there's no way to suggest we don't have sex without explaining the situation and having that conversation about everything that's on my mind.

Do you want to commit to her? (girl you had sex with)

[Man with Dog]

This would be the ideal situation, but unfortunately me and this girl did have sex previously, and there's no way to suggest we don't have sex without explaining the situation and having that conversation about everything that's on my mind.

 

Maybe you just have to tell her you weren't exclusive and don't want to be and take your chances with the 2nd girl.

[panther]

There must be some exceptions but you're probably right that if you cannot choose between 2 potential partners, the chances are that neither is right.

 

It is tempting but morally wrong to string both of them along for a while.

 

Good luck.

 

Agree with faraday and man with dog.

You met the first one in April and even if it was long distance most of the time, I was long enough for you to have an idea if she is a good match for you and if you have strong feelings for her. So I would say break up with the first one for sure, because apparently you don't like her enough.

 

The second one, you just met her so it is too soon to make any judgement.

 

So this is my opinion based on what you tell us here, I know things may be more confusing sometimes.

[SoulTaker]

I understand your dilemma. If you haven't misled her by talking, and acting like the two are you are "exclusive", then it's a matter of telling her that you're not ready to settle down with anyone. I wouldn't give out any info on anyone else you're seeing (less is best).

 

If she asks if there's another girl (which she'll probably do), then tell her the truth, that there's no one else you are serious with.

[SophieGrace]

First, I think it's great that you care enough about both of them to really think this out. I agree with the first part of what faraday wrote, that it's not fair to either of them to be intimate unless you can be honest and let them know that you are not yet ready to commit to exclusivity, but if it were me I wouldn't end things with either of them yet. I think you just need a little time to ascertain who you are more compatible with - that's what the dating process is for.

 

See how you feel when woman A returns. Perhaps being with her in person will rekindle stronger feelings, and if she asks if you are dating other people it is only fair to be honest with her. Treat both them them how you would want to be treated if you were in their position.

 

Best to you - and hope you let us know how it goes!

[SophieGrace]

This would be the ideal situation, but unfortunately me and this girl did have sex previously, and there's no way to suggest we don't have sex without explaining the situation and having that conversation about everything that's on my mind.

 

Whoops - think my post crossed with this post. It's hard to back-track, but if you were in woman B's position - meaning SHE was still being emotionally intimate with someone else who she was once dating while having sex with you - wouldn't you want to know? As hard as it will be, I think honesty is the best policy - especially if you end up in an exclusive relationship with either of them. This is where the foundation of trust begins. I agree with ST - you don't have to share all the details if you aren't comfortable with that, but they will probably want to know. It's how women are. Haha.

[tripped]

Thanks for all the replys, this is helpful! For those people suggesting that I don't like the first girl, it's not that. I was completely ready to commit, but the second girl and I truly have a connection I haven't shared with anyone else before.... BUT she lives four hours away, which is why this is all so confusing. I like the first girl enough to commit and she actually lives in my city now, but the second girl is out there and does not (she is thinking of moving here in October)

[IAmFCA]

I have willingly dated men who were also dating someone long distance. One time it worked incredibly well, and one time it was awful. The primary difference was honesty.

 

In the "worked well" instance, he was upfront about it, and upfront about the value I added to his life and the value he wanted to add to mine. He was transparent, straightforward, and reliable. He was in love with his gf, but eventually, they broke up. I knew about all of it, and sometimes it was really hard on me. When I felt jealous, I controlled myself, knowing it was my responsibility to manage. When he was seeing her for a long weekend etc, he would stop calling me a few days before and a few days after, which I hated and respected.

 

The "didn't work well" example tried the opposite approach, downplaying the important of the ltr, pretending it was an on again/off again fwb. It was obviously something more, and even if he was conflicted about it etc he obviously loved her and she obviously wanted him. His dishonesty hurt, and prevented us from having a healthy intimate relationship, which I believe we otherwise would have had, as odd as that sounds under the circumstances.

 

We don't KNOW until we know. Sometimes life hands us two real candidates, and it gets confusing. Be open and honest, thinking carefully about what is constructive to share and filtering out the rest. With the first example, I felt respected and loved, because he was respected me enough to tell me everything I needed to know.

[weathergirl]

Agree with faraday and man with dog.

You met the first one in April and even if it was long distance most of the time, I was long enough for you to have an idea if she is a good match for you and if you have strong feelings for her. So I would say break up with the first one for sure, because apparently you don't like her enough.

 

The second one, you just met her so it is too soon to make any judgement.

 

So this is my opinion based on what you tell us here, I know things may be more confusing sometimes.

 

First off...this is precisely why I don't advocate dating multiple people. Now you are confused and are at a loss how to move forward with either of them.. and you can't get clarity on your feelings. Had you just stayed focused on girl number one, and carried that through until you either knew it wasn't going anywhere, or you wanted to commit, you would not be in this position now.

 

But I am not here to lecture you, what's done is done. That said, I agree with what panther and Man with Dog said. If you had strong feelings for the first one, I don't think you would have developed such strong feelings for the second one. Now that you have, end it with girl number one, and go forward with girl number two, and agree to stop dating others....to prevent this from happening again.

[Ms Darcy]

You can't really say "I was willing to commit until I met someone else who I have a strong connection with." That's back tracking. You are either ready or not. Because after you commit to someone there is always going to be some temptation, some bright shiny object that tempts you.

 

I'm another vote for ending it with girl A. I don't see the harm in saying that you still want to date others. Be honest.

[Ms Darcy]

The problem isn't dating multiple people. The problem is sleeping with someone before figuring out if you are committed. He could have been dating one girl and still met someone else if they were exclusive. I think sex adds a layer of responsibility for communication about who you are seeing. Another problem is letting the dating go on for too long without a relationship. If you are not ready for a relationship after say five months then you are not that into the other person.

[faraday]

^^ Word, Miss Darcy ^^

[SooSad33]

"I am not sure if I should clarify that I'm unsure about things now, before anything too physical or "

- Yes, don't set her up for a fall. Be honest. Tell her you do like her BUT no expectations..

 

If you are feeling you're not as interested in her.. really back down from the contact.