Am I being too controlling???

[journeynow]

t1lersm0m1 gave you some excellent advice. Make yourself a priority, work on you.

 

I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing.

 

" I have been too controlling but that the reason is because I have no confidence in his own feelings for me or in his happiness in our marriage. He said he could see where I was coming from."

 

His response...not very reassuring.

 

Focus on WHAT you two can do and are doing to improve your relationship. Not by putting conditions on the other person, but by sharing the best of each other, time enjoyed together, shared interests, love, tenderness, the things that attracted you to each other in the first place.

 

Instead of making it about how many people need to be present when they are together, what about asking that the two of you spend more time doing fun things together than the two of them do (with or without others), and that they not have an exclusive friendship.

 

How often does he play golf? How often do the two of you do things for fun together? How often do you do fun things without him and the kids?

[ParisPaulette]

Neither of those things, you focus on the fact that he's agreed to counseling. And at the same time you focus on building up your own life to not be so dependent on his. I would table the whole issue with his coworker for now. That will just become more fuel between you and right now you do not need that. You need him agreeing to go to counseling, so set it up for the two of you. Don't wait for him. And then if he backs out or refuses you play a bit of hardball and tell him you will be going another route. And you don't tell him what that route is, but you let him find out when he gets the bill for the attorney you've consulted.

 

I'm sorry, but you are so far beyond worrying about the coworker. It's time to make him realize what he stands to lose if he doesn't really step up to the plate and work this all out. And if he doesn't then you have to realize nothing you say or do is going to change his actions. And all you can really do is change your own. t1lersm0m1 gives truly outstanding advice on how to put your own life in place regardless of what happens to him or with him and that's also where you should be placing your focus.

 

I hope it all gets worked out one way or the other, but one of the things I'd like to see you do is instead of focusing on what a catch he is list out all of the reasons why you are a catch and why someone would be crazy to lose you. Seriously do that and then start consciously shifting your thoughts from "Oh this is what I'll lose if...to this is what he'll lose if..." The added confidence and you realizing you are worth something will translate into your actions and probably even your body language. And that might just wake him up when it dawns on him he might lose you and a good chunk of his income to boot. Sorry, the man has children with you, he is going to have to pay child support and he is going to have to reap the consequences of his actions.

 

So if he turns out to be placating you and isn't serious about fixing things show him what the consequences will be. And realize your own self-worth, because you are worth it.