Dating a widower

[Tigerlily193]

Hi,

 

I've been dating a widower, same age as me, early 40s, for 9 months. It's been 18 months since his wife passed. We've met each other's young children and all get along great. We've recently been on fun family outings and enjoyed dinner and movies at his home. There are no displays of affection in front of the children; to them we are friends.

 

We are in touch every day but don't get together often, but when we do, it's a fun and laughter filled time.

 

Here's the but.

 

His in-laws know he is dating me and don't approve. His family don't have a problem. His sister in law is giving him grief, saying he should not introduce the children to me and how could he date/move on so soon. I completely understand where they are coming from. He gets angry, not to their face, and does his best to keep the peace. I know he wants to move on but is waiting for others to agree enough time has passed before our relationship can be publicly declared.

 

Yesterday, he told me, let's see what happens with us, if it's not meant to be then so be it. We can say we've had some lovely times, albeit few.

 

I'm easy going and independent, but I'd like to know if we are going somewhere. I've asked him directly where I stand, how he feels about me....but he avoids answering, so now I go with the flow. I haven't told him how I feel, wanting it to come from him first. I guess he must like me, he'll drive over to fix my car (we live in neighbouring towns), call me darling, message me first thing, pays for everything, take us all on outings, teach my child to ride a bike. It must be a big deal to him to have introduced me to his children who he is very protective of.

 

My sister says I'm just a companion to him, he just wants the physical connection, nothing more, and has no intention of committing to me. I'm not sure I agree with her, we rarely get time on our own for anything physical and he doesn't push me for it. She thinks I'm just a convenience for him.

 

I think it's one of those situations that calls for time and patience. I feel he is waiting for his in laws to give him the green light to move on.

 

I'm happy to stay put and let things evolve naturally. Continue to be a lovely, caring person in his life. But I don't like to think I'm nothing more than a convenience to him and he'll move on without me one day.

 

Any advice? Thank you.

[freewill1234]

I'm not sure why you would ask him where you stand, etc ... you said above, you're having fun with him, things are great. Go with it and don't over think the situation. I can understand people who've never been married or don't have kids wanting to know where the relationship is going but in your situations, go with the flow, enjoy each others company and let things progress naturally.

 

As for the sister in-law, your BF should politely tell her to butt out. As long as the kids are being taken care of properly, she shouldn't being saying anything, period. He shouldn't be basing his life around in-laws either. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions.

[Tigerlily193]

Yes, you're very right. I don't want more children and am happy to allow things to progress naturally. It's when other people get involved and offer their negative opinions. My sister, for example, hasn't met him or seen us together. I understand he's not ready to go parading a new girlfriend yet. Out of respect for his wife and family, I'd rather wait. It's good to take things slowly, knowing there are great times ahead, as opposed to rushing and seeing each other all the time. Thanks for your reply

[faraday]

I think you guys started dating really fast after his wife's death...has he processed everything from that?

 

Have you ever talked about what you're both looking for? Are you exclusive? I think it's okay to say what you're looking for (I probably would have done it sooner in the relationship, you have more patience than me), whether it's eventual marriage, more kids, or just living together as a family. See what he says. Ask what he thinks appropriate time lines are so that you can decide if that's something you are okay with.

 

You guys have been dating 9 months...you're allowed to ask questions about what he wants in the future, and if he can see a future with you. If he can't answer...that might be your answer...if you want different things. Maybe you're okay with this arrangement indefinitely.

[Tigerlily193]

I did too which is why I kept us as friends for months. I knew he couldn't be ready. I've told him if I date someone it's because I'm looking for a long-term relationship. He said it's what he is looking for too, eventually. I've asked him about timelines, but no response. I don't think it's exclusive, he's vague and playing his cards close to his chest. I've told him if we aren't exclusive, then I'm free to accept dates from other gents if they arise. That's when he started organising family days out for us. I did break it off with him a few months ago, stating we should be friends, nothing more, until he was ready for a committed relationship. I stuck to my guns and but he contacted me lots, saying he couldn't stop thinking about me. That's the most I have got from him re his feelings for me. He loves his wife immensely, only natural, he doesn't get as upset as he has done while I've known him. Unless he does but doesn't tell me. He doesn't think he'll ever stop wearing his wedding band. I don't really know what he wants from me.

[Lito]

I think he’s pushing himself to move on, but he’s not truly ready yet.. What do you think?

It is said that generally men try to turn the page sooner than women after the end of a relationship, without allowing themselves enough time off to grieve that relationship..