Finally realizing things... (Dumpee's POV)

[AllyP]

So, I've been like most people on this thread- looking for a way to win back my ex and live happily ever after. But I feel like I've finally come to terms with what needs to be done in order for me to ever be in a relationship again- with or without him- and I'd like to share it with every one what I've realized and what I really think everyone coming out of a break up should realize.

 

If it is a new and fresh break-up, these things will seem impossible, trust me I know. Reading some of these posts and asking for advice really got me down in the dumps thinking I had no chance if I really followed the advice.. But dealing with a break up puts you in a vulnerable spot, I feel like that is especially true for the dumpee (but can also be true for dumper), so in order to ever possibly get your ex back (no guarantee), or getting into another relationship in general, you have to be willing to work on yourself and get rid of the negative thoughts and energy and go back to being you- not a half of a whole that you expressed throughout your relationship because you are no longer sharing your life with someone else, but just yourself- and your feelings, look, and actions should show that.

 

1. Trust me, accept that your relationship is over.

The relationship you had with your ex is over and any relationship you have in the future will never be like the relationship you had in the past. People evolve and so will future relationships and you need to be accepting of that. You need to be open to a new relationship, because that is exactly what it will be- whether your new relationship is with your ex or not.

 

2. Don't be friends with your ex right away, just stop all contact.

Trying to be friends with your ex will only end up hurting you more. If they dumped you, or even if you dumped them, they will end up using you as a safety net- someone to go back to if things don't work for them- and for all the wrong reasons. This isn't always the case, but it's still a good idea to take time away from your ex and create your own identity once again. Plus, you don't want to give them the satisfaction of always having you around when they need you- show your ex you are fine without them because that is exactly what you will be.

 

And this is also for those people out there that have already tried to begin being friends with an ex. If you are feeling sad every time they don't text or call you back right away, or you are feeling fine and then feel as if you relapse when they do text or call you- just stop all communication. Right now and right away.

 

* Also keep in mind that friends share things and this might be details about a new relationship or something you really don't want to hear about.

 

3. Take them off of social media.

I understand this is a controversial subject but I personally believe you should take your ex off of all social media. After a break up you need to focus on you, and just you. Your ex is no longer a part of your life whether you initiated it or not. Take them off social media and take down their pictures. Take away anything that might make you relapse. You don't want to see what might be going on in their life and don't give them the luxury to know what's going on in yours. If you are on the couch, crying and eating ice cream all day do you really want them to know? No, you really don't, so don't let them! Create an air of mystery.

 

4. Recovering from a break up is YOUR time.

This time is all about you and only you. You need to heal and feel yourself again. You will live on and be strong without your ex because I promise you no one, but yourself, defines who you are! You need to go out and experience the world the way you wouldn't be able to if you were still with your ex. You need to make new friends, or spend more time with old ones! You need to go out and make memories and have the time of your life! Keep in mind you have one life, you don't know when it all might come to an end, and you should spend as much time that is given to you in a positive way- not letting one person control your feelings or your life. Don't take time to just better yourself, because I'm sure you are amazing just the way you are, but take time to find yourself. I'm sure plenty of people have found themselves changing little ways of themselves in order to please their significant other.. In that case, find who you really are and then stick to it and learn to be confident being just YOU, not what someone wants you to be, and people will notice.

 

5. Most importantly, take all the god damn time you need to heal.

I could write a novel on the things you shouldn't tell a person who just experienced a break up. One of the most important is "its been [insert time frame], that's a long time. you should be over it by now". Don't ever let someone tell you that what you're feeling is not what you should be feeling. Take all the time you need to grieve. Now this might sound contradicting to what I said above but I promise it's not. You can grieve, but you just can't let it consume you. You can't stay indoors at home all day, every day. You need to get out and spend time with other people. Grieve, but be open to having some fun and being happy.

 

6. Remember that happiness will always find it's way to you.

Break ups suck and they are hard. Emotions are felt and memories are constantly running through your head. You need to get to a point that you can look back on your memories and smile. If you honestly feel like you did everything for someone, then be proud of that and know that one day someone will appreciate that and you will be everything they've ever wanted (whether it's your ex or not). If you don't feel that way, then you know what you can work on for the future is bright! Love so much that you know YOU will have no regrets if there ever is an end (just don't go expecting one!)

 

Now this thread is neither me encouraging you to give up hope on ever getting back with your ex, nor is it me encouraging you to have hope- it's me simply telling you that things get better.

 

You need to realize that the only way you will ever get into a new, beautiful relationship is if you find yourself and your own identity away from your ex and your last relationship. Do not let one person define you, but yourself! Everything from here on out is NEW!

 

Remember, anything is possible, my friends. Hopeless can't be spelled without HOPE!

 

I also read something that really helped me change my outlook on my break up, and helped me reach these realizations:

Moving on, working on yourself, and finding your own identity and happiness away from your ex is not giving up on them... "the only difference between giving up and not giving up...is if you take them back when they want to come back. But you can't do anything to make them want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make them not want to come back."

 

Please do NOT bash anyone for hoping on reconciliation or not. It's all up to them to decide what to hope on/for and only they know whether it's worth it or not. And if they are wrong in their decision then they will realize it with time, just like I have.

 

Be strong, carry on, and be open to all possibilities, but don't get stuck up on just one!

[sungolds]

Great post. Very much needed on a bit of a down day.

[safenow]

Very good

[Oceandaisey]

Thank you for this. I am hopeless at the moment and want nothing more than to have my ex back in my life. The break up is new...trying to heal and move forward but right now do rather just shrivel up and fade away.

[AllyP]

Thank you for this. I am hopeless at the moment and want nothing more than to have my ex back in my life. The break up is new...trying to heal and move forward but right now do rather just shrivel up and fade away.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I have been there, just like every one else! I feel like a lot of people on this site try to give tough love, but I personally believe that that adds to the sadness. A little hope is good. Having hope that they will come back should push you to become a better, more independent you; a unique you. It's just like starting a new relationship with someone else- you can't start it off being sad and miserable- so the same is with getting your ex back!

 

Take this time for yourself and grieve. Don't talk to them, don't hang out with them, be nice if you do see them though- just don't let them know what's going on in your life or if they hurt you. Right now, it's like they have control over your life so don't let them- take back control!

 

We all need to get to a place where we feel fine without our ex and feel like we can move on without them. This makes it easier for if they don't come back... I know it's not something you want to hear right now that they might not come back, but remember this:

The happiness and the fun you had with your ex is not the only happiness and fun you will ever experience in your life! There is plenty of it waiting out there for you, so go seize it!