Does she want to be friends or more? Need feedback! :)

[Akynos]

Hello Enotalone community !

 

So I have this female friend with whom I am quite close, but I am not sure of her intentions. I said I wanted us to be close friends, but I get the feeling that she is flirting ( and I feel like I'm flirting too since I find her attractive). She is quite shy, prude and doesn't say much about herself due to insecurity. She also has a LDR boyfriend for a couple of years but told me she didn't know if she still loved him ( and apparently she rarely sees/talks to him anymore). Could you guys tell me what you think? Here are the details of our latest evening together.

 

-She hinted she had a lot to do, but told me she came anyway because of me

-When I tease her playfully she always slaps me gently

-She grabs my arm every time she teases me

-I think she often looks at me even when we're not talking

-She sits close to me and likes to toy with my forearm ( poke and such)

-Sometimes even grab my hand/fingers for a second or two

-I often initiate hugs, but I feel they are just friendly hugs. However she always like holds my hand which is on her shoulder when I do and rests her head on my shoulder.

-Laughs a lot, but I can crack decent jokes that everyone will laugh at

- I don't know if this matters, but her eyes sometimes seem large and wet? Like with lots of lighting reflections? I didn't notice how dilated the pupils were but I remember thinking : '' Wow, she's got big round shiny eyes''

-She's also super shy, likes to listen rather than talk and hates to touch strangers.

-She has started talking to me about things that she didn't used to ( the kind that make you think ''wow, didn't think she was like THAT !'')

 

Things that hint that she doesn't fancy me:

 

-When we hug goodbye they used to be really tight hugs but since a couple of months she makes them light and quick

-Often I initiate for meetups and she never stays for too long ( says she has a lot to do, which she does actually, but I still feel she isn't making a real effort to see me as often as possible)

-6 months ago I asked her if she wanted us to go to the next step, but she said she wasn't ready and couldn't say for sure she would ( but assured me it wasn't a ''no''). We have got much closer now though.

 

Other things:

 

-She never invites other friends along, its always just the both of us, apart from one time when she invited another guy over for revision ( we were going to revise for exams) and she later told me he wasn't even a friend and he insisted to tag along because he had to study too

 

-She never lets me know of what she is doing the rest of time, like she wants to hide her life besides our meeting unless I insist.

 

Also I'll be going abroad to the US for ten months and she showed me she was really hurt by that...

 

So do you guys think she is just very comfortable with me or does she want more?

 

Thanks dudes and dudettes, Cheers from Wales !

[kitkat620]

It seems to me that since she has a LD boyfriend she likes to keep other guys around as friends to occupy her time (and maybe boost her ego a bit?).

I thought maybe she wanted more from you until you mentioned another guy coming over to study with the two of you. And I wouldn't buy that bull of him not being a friend to her. Obviously he felt comfortable enough to show up.

 

If your happy with whatever you have with her now great, but if you want more I can't see that happening. I would give my time and attentions to someone you may have a chance at dating (and who doesn't have a boyfriend, LD or otherwise).

[Akynos]

Thanks for the reply Kitkat !

I'll give you a bit more info on some of the points you mentioned, particulary over the ''other guy'':

-First she asked me if I was ok with someone else coming over. The dude is in my class and has a girlfriend, and was obviously not interested in my friend. However I got (stupidly) quite jealous and left them together early stating ''you guys can work together, I'm going home''. I was obviously hurt, as you can imagine. Later on she blames me for leaving early, though I told her that she could have studied better with her friend. She then told me he wasn't a friend, that he didn't help and that he overheard her talk about our meeting and wanted to come, and she ( shy as she is) didn't have the guts to refuse.

She was also annoyed because I worked with the guy ( ignoring her, as I was angry at her) and he didn't pay any attention to her at all. What do you think?

 

Furthermore, I know her enough to know that she isn't the ''ego-boost'' type. However I have no idea who she is seeing besides me and a few female friends.

 

Thanks for your input !

[kitkat620]

I don't know, this whole thing seems rather confusing to me.

 

It seems to me that she does consider you a good friend but you are obviously developing more serious feelings for her. The only thing I can advise you to do is to discuss how you are feeling with her. And she needs to be upfront about her feelings, or lack there of, for you. She seems to be running hot and cold and the reason for that could be that she is confused on what she wants.

 

Communication is key no matter if the outcome isn't exactly what you want to hear or not.

[SooSad33]

" However I have no idea who she is seeing besides me and a few female friends."

- Hmmm.. maybe her boyfriend?

 

How about YOU step back and let this gal deal with her relationship she's got right now?

She is most likely hanging with you because her bf isn't around. So, she's got you around to keep her company. A side kick.

 

I really do feel she's just going to keep you at arms distance as she is confused ie' hot/cold.

What she doesn't need though is a 'friend' spilling his emotions all over her.

 

Since YOU are supposed to be her friend as she already has a bf, WHY are you acting out in jealousy when she's got another guy over ?

You are NOT the one dating her.. but now you're own feelings are starting to intervene in your friendship.. uh ohh

This is why i mentioned.. backing off and being respectful with her.

 

Also... why isn't she more respectful with the fact she's still involved? Would you like this to be going on if you were dating her?

Again, I mention to back off a bit..

[Akynos]

thanks a lot, nice to have unbiased opinions. I'm not looking to go out with her even though I have feelings for her though, as I indeed plan to let her deal with what she's got first.

[LionHeart26]

Good plan OP. I agree with others: she seems to be interested in you, but not enough to break it off with her BF. Maybe it's an ego boost, maybe she's still working out her feelings for this other guy. But look out for yourself here, you're not doing yourself any favours getting emotionally involved with someone who clearly isn't ready to be in a relationship with you.

If you've already asked her about moving things forward, then she clearly knows how you feel, which is great. I would tell her that you still have feelings for her and give her some options: If she just wants to be friends, fine. If she wants a relationship, even better! (provided she ends the first one of course). But if she is still saying "I'm not ready / can't say for sure" then you need to be strong and tell her that you're giving her space until she decides and then BACK OFF. Right now she is getting everything she needs from you, and giving nothing in return, so there's no incentive for her to choose between you. You need to force her to make that choice, and be prepared for the fall out either way.

Good luck

[Akynos]

Thanks a lot for your opinion !

 

The thing is, I told her I had feelings for her 6 months ago. She wasn't ready really, and I chose a bad time and ambience to tell her that. I'm not surprised she said she wasn't ready.

However, I soon realised that although I had feelings for her, I wasn't ready either...I desired a girlfriend, but didn't really desire her for who she was. So I told her that a few days later and told her I wanted us to be friends and see what happens. We haven't spoken of such things since. Although I have been flirting a bit with her, I have tried to keep it very friendly, even mentioning to her that I was subscribed to online dating sites and had a nice time around other girls.

 

So what I'm saying is, there might be a chance that she thinks I just want us to be friends...which is true really, as I'm trying to listen to my brain rather than my heart

[Dougie_D]

Have you actually MET the boyfriend? I've noticed that this is a key moment for whenever a girl is trying to hint "that she's not interested or just likes you as a friend". She'll introduce the boyfriend.

 

Also - there are studies that girls/guys (the way people flirt, who makes the first move, etc..) are MUCH different from the U.S to the UK. I'm not sure where Wales comes in, but are both you and her from Wales?

 

Honestly, it seems like this girl was really digging on you but you quickly gave the impression YOU just wanted to be friends. Then YOU ask her if she wanted to take it to the next step. Knowing someone for 6 months and not sure where you stand is usually not a good sign...at least for me.

 

Have you actually make a move towards her? Kiss her? etc.?

[Akynos]

Have you actually MET the boyfriend? I've noticed that this is a key moment for whenever a girl is trying to hint "that she's not interested or just likes you as a friend". She'll introduce the boyfriend.

 

Also - there are studies that girls/guys (the way people flirt, who makes the first move, etc..) are MUCH different from the U.S to the UK. I'm not sure where Wales comes in, but are both you and her from Wales?

 

Honestly, it seems like this girl was really digging on you but you quickly gave the impression YOU just wanted to be friends. Then YOU ask her if she wanted to take it to the next step. Knowing someone for 6 months and not sure where you stand is usually not a good sign...at least for me.

 

Have you actually make a move towards her? Kiss her? etc.?

 

Thanks for your feedback Dougie !

 

I never met him and she was always reluctant to bring him up...even at the stages when we knew each other for a couple of months. Funnily enough, the only time she mentioned him was through ''you-know-who''. She never actually said ''boyfriend'' I think. Furthermore, she only ever mentioned him when I enquired about him. Also, she told me she wasn't sure she had feelings for him anymore. Thats pretty much the ''boyfriend'' part.

 

Indeed, although I told her I was interested for the first couple of months, I then told her I wanted to be friends and see how it goes. I see your point, and I see how my behaviour might have been confusing. What do you think this implied?

 

I never made a move towards her, other than telling her I had feelings for her ( bad move, I agree). I never felt that trying to kiss her was a good idea. As I said, I want us to be friends, at least until I return, but having an idea about what SHE thinks and feels would reassure me and prepare me for my return. See what I mean?

[Dougie_D]

I'd wait until you come back from the U.S. If you make a move and things work out before you move, it will hurt both of you guys more (feeling wise). After you come back DON'T reach out to her. If she immediately wants to hang with you and calls you then that's a good sign. And if you do hang out, make sure to go for a kiss or go back to the strong hugs. The 10 month break could be a way to start over.

 

If she doesn't want to hang out or doesn't call you, wait until a week to catch up with her.But at this moment, you'll probably be more in the friendzone.

 

This is like a fish you catch in the lake and then you go back and forth wanting to eat it. So you throw it back in the water. Let's just hope that when you come back the fish will still be swimming. Good luck!

[Akynos]

Thanks a lot for the advice !

She just left to Scotland to spend a couple of weeks with her parents, and sent me a couple of messages telling me how much she misses me and hopes I'm having a good time...also her BF lives in the vicinity of where she went, which makes it weird haha

Well, I guess time will tell.

If anyone else has an opinion and/or advice for this situation, feel free to post