coping with a miserable cold family

[cole89]

So my family is a family where if i i dont make any effort at all to see them then i will probably never talk to them again. Anyway I have been making that effort and been spending time with family I have not seen for a long time. Anyway there is one cousin who I used to hang out with almost every day growing up. Summers as children we spent at each others homes for weeks on end. As we grew up though he got colder and colder then when he joined the marines he completely changed. I always wanted to join so when I eventually did that was when it was all over. 2009 when I joined he basically called me stupid for joining and never talked to me again. One time when I was getting deployed I was on the same base with him and saw him as I was getting on the plane, and I could see he walked away trying to hide from me. Anyway 4 years later now we are both out of the service and here I am at his mothers visiting. He is not home. I ask how he is and why he wont talk to me. They say that he is like that to a lot of people and they dont know why he does that. They also said he is mad at me, which explains the unanswered calls. I didnt do anything to him directly so thats just confusing to me. I know I should just say screw it, its not me, its his problems but it just hurts being written off like that by someone. I was close to him, and as a child I stuck up for him in countless situations. Should I just give up with my family? I have my wifes family who all love me so that helps. I just dont know why I keep trying with them. I feel like im a fool for trying. I can not put my finger on it why I try to talk to him, just something. Rejection sucks.

[SophieGrace]

Awww, I'm sorry this is happening to you - sounds like it's really hurtful and challenging. Let me ask you something - pretend it was my situation and I just shared all of the things above that you wrote, what would your advice be to me?

[catfeeder]

I know I should just say screw it, its not me, its his problems but it just hurts being written off like that by someone. I was close to him, and as a child I stuck up for him in countless situations. Should I just give up with my family?

 

Why should one anti-social cousin equal writing off the whole family?

 

The guy has his own problems, and while that's sad, you get to decide whether to hurt yourself over it--and that's your choice, not his.

 

Your options are to continue making the effort to see people who have limitations you don't understand, or not. Again, you can choose to hurt yourself with the fact that these people don't own the capabilities you do, or you can view that with compassion.

 

So the question for me would be, cousin aside, when I make the effort tospend time with these people, do they warm up at all, or do I get the impression that I'm intruding and should leave quickly?

 

If the answer is that I'm able to find some slight reward in our interactions, I'd continue to do it and view it as my commitment to people who are less socially skilled than I'm fortunate enough to have become. However, if I find myself feeling that these people are hostile, I'd move forward and pick other people in the world to be my family.

 

If there is even one person in the family that has earned my compassion or love, then I'd continue my efforts for that person--even if I'd need to put up with coldness from others to do so.

 

Head high.

[cole89]

I would say screw it, waste of time.

[cole89]

I think thats my struggle, I get a cold response from my family. My wifes family loves me so thats good. I just wish for some closure I guess. Tell me you hate me and I will go, but they just hide and hide. If you try to seriously talk they make excuses. So I think im sturggling with more not having closure with my family. If my cousin said he hates me and never wants to talk to me again then fine, but its like he knows I tried contacting and he just ignores.

[cole89]

Thank you very much, it is very true. One thing my family say is they think hes jealous of me. For what i cant say, it seems jealous though. Who knows maybe its because I actually respect others. I think its something im not used to. I feel used, and pissed off. They tell me that he does that to a lot of people and most my family dont talk to him. People just change,and I am working on being thankful for the family I have.