seeing my ex bf tonight after 2 & 1/2 mnths...advice nee

[ajk]

hi all...i've been trying to not post so i don't think about this too much, but now that the time i upon me, i need some solid advice.

 

i will see my ex at a party tonight...we haven't spoken for 10 days, although i left him a casual message yesterday saying i wanted to see if he's around (he is just through town for a few days) and hope he's doing well.

 

i know the breakup is hard for him and it's not just him avoiding me because i'm asking for too much of his time, or anything. he has consistently said he wants to be friends if we can and i know he means this because he loves me (he was very upset that at first i said i couldn't do that and have still expressed being unsure about it, because of weighing the NC thing).

 

i do want this relationship to work out. i'm an optimist and feel that we can have a new relationship if we can learn to communicate our needs better. i am mostly having a hard time because i start obsessing over the negative and hurtful things that were said and analyze what he meant too much...

 

i definitely need to clear my head today before i see him.

 

my questions are: how do i handle myself at a party with him? do we talk? do we hug? do i ask for time to talk to him privately? is there a way to prepare myself today so i can be more casual about this emotionally?

 

situation details are that we broke up a month and a half ago after three weeks of crying on the phone together and having very hard conversations, once he had started doubting (we had been in LD for only 1 and a half months after 7 very beautiful months together). we have not seen each other in person for 2 and a half months--we did not see each other when we broke up.

 

one other big question: do you have any ideas for what i can do for this to work out positively and to start rebuilding a new relationship with this man who i love so much? please don't say that because it's long distance, it can't work! i just don't believe that...

 

your comments are very appreciated--thanks

[bzborow1]

I guess the general oppinion is that if he broke up with you it should be him that comes back to you, I mean you wouldn't want to continue the relationship thinking you have to walk on eggshells do you? I'm also not sure if it's a relationship you seek or a friendship?

 

If it were me, I wouldn't necessarily make an effort to avoid him in public settings, but treat him as any other person. You don't have any obligations to him or his feelings anymore, you need to work on yourself.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

I think u need to understand tat one learns to cope better with emotions than as to cope better by acting 'casually' about things u truly care. U make urself more miserable by doing that.

 

U can still miss him, without telling him. U can tell everything and entire good and bad things to ur gf, instead to him. Coz u will think whether he is still in love with u, if he reply.. . .

 

I recommend, shld u really need to go and see him, bring a sensible, level-headed gf to go with u, and accompany u through. I believe only a gf like this is needed to summon ur courage at times and asks u to go home, shld she realise u cant cope.

 

As for rebuilding a relationship, i dun think it will work. U are going back to him coz u miss him. U havent solve the integral problem of why u had broken up with him.

 

And currently for now, enjoy ur party, u dun have to solve the problems with a RIGHTNOW attitude. If he were to be back, he will be later than u think...

 

Thanks for reading..

[GreatGuy]

Hi ajk, you've read my post...and its funny there are some minor similarities(i posted about seeing her soon). Howver there are main differences....we never cried and fought, it was very mature from my part, she asked to marry me..then poof she was gone...a month before we could be at the alter...blablablablah(don't wanna bore anyone with me.. ).

What is cool is that we're on sort of in opposite shoes so that I can in a tiny way in could tell you how he'd feel if you met, and maybe you can give me some understanding on what she is going through. Could be cool!!

 

Ok,

I feel the same way...so i would say that your ex does as well. He doesn't want to loose you completely from his heart and life. He respects your decision and as long as you are sensitive to what he is going throuhg and make sure there are no mixed messages(or playing head games) he should act fine. At last I would do that when we meet. I know it's gonna be hard for the two of us ...but I am much stronger than before I even met her. I have found this new relationship that matters a lot to me, a relationship between Me&Me. I love this new person, but would not mind being close with her.

 

Like I said you will both be emotional, nervous...almost like the first date. My advice to me is not to bring up anything from the past...anything deep at all and I will excuse myself to the bathroom. You should be cool, and collected and allow you to see this person as someone else, and be yourself. I think when I see TI she might fall into doing holding hands, and calling me names, and laugh a lot. It is up to me to create that boundary so that i can be ok with me and respect me. I will hug her for sure!! But this being NYEars...dunno about kissing stuff.

I all you should walk out of there feeling secured and happy to have met each other. This is a time to be happy not sad...and I hope it works out for you.

 

[ajk]

thanks so much guys...please keep the advice coming!

 

bzborow--i do want a relationship, not a friendship. though obviously the friendship has to evolve again for a relationship to work! the eggshells thing is very true...i see your point.

 

prosper--thank you for reminding me that whatever happens, it doesn't have to be 'right now.' i do just want to enjoy the time with him. and i am going with a friend, who will be great support. she lives close enough that i can walk back to her place if i need to. also, i know that the relationship can't be 'the same,' nor should it be, as i am very aware of the things we were doing that made it so tough to be apart. we put a lot of emotional weight and pressure on our shoulders to have it be 'perfect' and to keep up the same intensity that we'd had...which just could not and cannot happen long distance. it's not just because i miss him that i want to rebuild this relationship (i won't go into all the reasons why it was special...but it was beautiful for both of us from day one)--i do know i need to get past the 'missing him' in order to do it. thank you for the reminder.

 

GreatGuy--it was my ex who initiated the breakup--did i say that? your ex broke up with you, also, right? i have never been one to break up with someone...i always try to work things out, so the mentality is completely foreign to me! i do know what you mean about having a relationship with yourself...it is a good thing, and i am getting a lot of understanding about myself and the things i want from my life, separate from him, out of this. i do want to share it with him and share things in his life, the same as you are saying you want to be close with your ex.

 

i do think it will have a first date feel to it--and maybe i should look at it that way...like getting to know him all over again. "secure and happy to have met each other" would be a good feeling to leave with...i will set that as my goal

 

i'll look at your posts again, by the way, but feel free to tell me more here.

 

i think i am going to try to see a movie and take a yoga class today, too, to calm my mind a bit!

[bzborow1]

...i always try to work things out, so the mentality is completely foreign to me!

 

Something you should really think about here...Are you sure you're not just missing the feeling of being together in a relationship with someone, or HIM? Really think about that....

[ajk]

oh, definitely HIM, not just 'someone.' i have always taken time between relationships to heal, never jump into things just to fill a 'void,' etc.

 

i have become very selective with who i date, and it is definitely HIM and the relationship we had that is the reason i want to renew this.

 

in the past, i can say that i did not realize how good of a guy i deserved to be with. this one is the true type. it was several years between my last relationship and this one, though i did date to see what was out there.

 

obviously, though, some of my past issues were still there and played a part in my reactions during long distance and in the breakup, and are still playing a part in this healing process (past issues like drunk boyfriends, parent stuff, etc., like everyone has, pretty much!). my insecurities only make me have a hard time with patience and abandonment feelings...but we had a very positive, very loving, very devoted relationship that hit a bad circumstance that neither of us had the foresight to think about beforehand...

 

thank you for trying to point me in a better direction, though

i appreciate it!

[Hope75]

ajk,

 

So how did it go? I've been thinking about you, and I hope things went well!

 

(you can pm me if you want to talk privately)

 

Hope

[shockeddismayed]

ajk,

 

I really sympathize with your situation. I know the feelings you are having regarding the EX, and wanting to work it out. It's tough.

 

I just wanted to make a few observations:

 

You are getting excellent advice from the others (kudos!). But I particularly like prosper's advice. He/she covers the spectrum from positive to negative statements. Some of which can be tough to hear. Take the time to reread it sometime... and I agree, you must adopt a "NOTRIGHTNOW" attitude.

 

I think you took his advice well and in stride, you show a good head on your shoulders. Nevertheless, I'm sure your reaction is to hope to have a reason to discount the negative parts. Here is why I say this:

 

Your description of your breakup with your EXBF is not unlike others where the two parties TRULY DO care deeply about one another. I believe that is true for you both. However, this unfortunately DOES NOT equate to you two being able to get back together. The part of your bond that left him may not return, even if he wishes (for both of your current agony) that it did. Remember that his strong bond and love for you can make him feal terribly at the breakup, terribly at the prospect of never seeing you again... he may even act on it a bit, out of panic of loosing a loved one.

 

But remember that EVEN THAT doesn't mean things will/should work out for you, if the part that has left him is too significant.

 

It may be hard on him and on you, but still be the right decision for you both (because ultimately, if it is right for him, it is also right for you).

 

I am reminding you of this becuase what I hear you asking about is how to behave at this not uncommon, unscheduled meeting on common ground. You think this is "your chance" to talk, as though you might never see him or meet him ever again. This is your chance to let him know how you feel. This is fate at your door.

 

This is not. You will see him again someday, you still move in similar circles and have common friends. If he is ready or able to talk to you, he will, or even better, he would have called you to set up a meeting. If he didn't do that, he's not ready, and it isn't fair (or in your interests) to bombard him with your emotional plea, or with expressions of your feelings (which are undoubtedly still hurt). This will only layer him with guilt or confuse him with desire to treat you kindly (as was generally his wish when you dated, and still would be now). These emotions delay him from sorting himself out.

 

And because of these genuine (but not, by themselves, sufficient for a relationship) emotions, you will likely see the reaction you are hoping for. You may see some confusion, worry about his decision, or perhaps even a positive statement about your future together, or about you in general. You'll see and hear this sign, but unfortunately you will read it as fate, his true feelings, or some positive force at work. But what you may be seeing is simply his confusion, nothing more and nothing less (would you really expect he isn't confused?!?!... you are a great catch!!!!! ).... and the fact that you are able to elicit/cause this confusion is only going to serve to prolong it and throw him off his OWN NATURAL TRACK TOWARD HEALING.... It will not help SOLVE his confusion.

 

When he is ready, he will ask to speak to you. If you aren't able at that point, or aren't willing, he will ask again. If he's sorted himself out, what would stop him?

 

His feelings will come out if you let them. Right now you need to concentrate on leaving him alone to figure them out.

 

In the meantime, you should be doing the same thing. In your case, your feelings about him aren't all that confused. But instead, your pain and hurt... issues from before the breakup that you mentioned.... and issues about who you are and what you want to be, should be your ONLY concern. This should always be a period of self re-discovery and affirmment.

 

How can you regain your peaceful centre, your confidence, your locus of control? Certainly an experience like this can threaten them. How can you make sure you reclaim or protect these critical elements of your self? How WILL you do it? What is YOUR plan for YOUR healing.

 

Focus on that, so that if his and your true hearts ARE aligned, you will both be healed and ready to keep it that way.

 

If they aren't aligned, you'll be well on your way to recovery and will be ready for a healthy relationship with someone who will make you so much happier and at peace.

 

Trust in that.

 

As I said, I know how you feel.... I've always been the peacemaker too. That can be part of who you are.... I consider it a gift, but be sure to be wary of its potential downside too.

[ajk]

thanks for your advice, shocked... i got it after seeing him, but it helps for me to sort out what i think about the 'meeting' and also helps me make sure that i don't over-interpret anything as a 'sign' or 'signal' of his feelings.

 

fyi, seeing him was and will be very uncommon, actually--you had mentioned that since we have similar friends we will still see each other, but the case is actually that he is in grad school and we were long distance. i am moving back to where we had both lived before, but i'm not planning on just hanging out with the friends of mine who know him--i think it will be good for me to make new friends and also keep up with friends who are totally separate from him, just so i am not thinking about him so much. anyhow, the point is that i really don't have any idea if i'll see him again, as it's unlikely that i'd run into him without us initiating it, even if he comes back to see his friends--thus why i was feeling nervous about it.

 

he is definitely an emotional guy and i saw a lot of confusion in him new year's eve (a lot of tears--more on his part than on mine--even though we never talked about 'us'), but i do agree that he needs time to sort through his feelings. i've been advised in the past (about a different ex) about how 'guys get overwhelmed' and then don't want to think about it...so i know i need to respect that and give him space so he can have HIS healing time.

 

i do have a lot on my plate right now that i want to focus on otherwise, and i need to keep myself busy to do those things. i still think it is good to have hope, and i do believe that it will work out at some point, if that is still what i want. i did really enjoy being around him and i think he enjoyed being around me, even though it was sad in ways. we still could 'talk' and 'connect' just as easily as we always have, which was something that the breakup process wasn't giving us--definitely an indication that stepping back and getting breathing space is a better thing to do with difficulties than to focus all of your energies on them...

[shockeddismayed]

ajk,

 

It sounds like you are handling this all very, very well.

 

But as for "it's unlikely that I would run into him". I have to call you on that again. It is VERY likely that you may not see him again in the timeframe that you are hoping for... this is true. But that doesn't mean that you won't see him again EVER.

 

Part of letting go is knowing that this likely will not work out on the timeframe or in the exact way you are currently hoping... but just b/c it isn't going to your plan doesn't mean it isn't going to A plan. It's hard to let go of your (often non-verbalized) plan. I know this.... but you must do it for your own peace of mind.

 

You are living where you both once did.... you have common friends.... grad school is temporary, and usually allows for downtime in the summer and/or holidays. After only a couple months, you ALREADY had one unplanned chance to see him at a party for a mutual acquaintance. This is going to stop? He's never going to come back to visit his old friends and/or family in the area? What about other parties, weddings, God-forbid funerals, etc? Or, even better still, what if he actually decides he can't take it and needs to seek you out?

 

You will see him again, so you don't need to worry about that.

 

Accept that you WILL see him again sometime, so that it can be one less thing on your mind... and allow you that much more energy for yourself.

 

PS: Even from my own limited life experience, funny things ALWAYS happen. I broke up with a girl 7 years ago. She was in 1st year (and had skipped a grade). I was in 3rd... and at the time the age gap was too obvious. I was looking for a head-strong, self-assured girl, and even though she IS one, at the time she couldn't show it to me for whatever reason (she'd never put me in my place or call my bluff). We broke up and I remember saying, maybe a few years from now we'll meet up again, even though at the time I didn't believe that we would. She asked if she should wait... I told her DEFINITELY not.... so she and I both moved on and dated other people. And that was the end of things.

 

I finished school, I travelled.. I went to grad school.... She finished school, she travelled... throughout all this we'd see each other "by chance" every 6 months to a year, even though we have very few friends in common. Then I moved accross the country for my first job. A year later and she was starting med school in the same city. We've starting hanging out again for the first time in nearly a decade. Now we've both admitted we're still somewhat curious about what "might have been, or what could be". But she knows I'm recovering from my last relationship (the one I started after breaking up with her... a relationship I still think might have been "it"), and she isn't quite ready to jump back in either.... so we're friends for the time being.

 

My point? There are almost always chances to reconnect again with old friends/lovers, even when you don't think there will be.

 

The other point (at least in my case) was that I resisted with all my might that "my" plan was wrong... and yet now, here I am, being forced with the humility that "the plan" for me could possibly not be the same as, or as obvious as "my plan" for me. I think ultimately if we decide that "my plan" for me is about my happiness, and stop tying it down to certain people, possessions, or achievements we "think" are meant for us, we can discover that the happiness will still be there despite all of these "failures" we think we see. Behind our happiness, everything else is (and should be) secondary.

[ajk]

what a sweet story about you and your ex...and that's good that you are not jumping into seeing 'what might have been' since you are still healing from another relationship.

 

you're right that i'm thinking about my 'time frame' for seeing him when i think about it being unlikely that i will. i do catch myself thinking that if he doesn't come back for his spring break and doesn't seek me out then, that means he won't ever want to see me! it's also my habit of negative thinking that i need to work against with that...

 

my mom has been telling me some stories about guys she dated when i was little (after my parents divorced) who literally have called her years and years later--one guy she dated when i was 8 or 9 (i am now 31) just called her a couple of months ago. how insane is that? (and inappropriate in some ways because he was not thinking of my mom, but again, thinking of himself...his father died and he wanted to talk to someone who used to be supportive of him--my mother had never even met his dad, but he is currently with a woman he doesn't feel as close to, blah blah blah...). the moral i guess is that you always remain in people's thoughts and hearts, even if they NEVER call, or take over 20 years to...

 

in any case, thanks very much for your support, but especially for keeping me looking at things realistically

[shockeddismayed]

No problem AJK,

 

I am only responding here because some of your ideas seemed so similar to mine.

 

The truth is that story is about my "ex-ex", not the ex I thought was "the one". Although I always felt some "unsettled business" with the Ex-Ex, my general attitude was that it was bad timing, and I had moved on completely. I even fell very hard for the EX... bought a house together, sizing rings, etc.

 

But with all that has happened the last 9 months of my life, I've been forced to re-evaluate so much... I am only just now beginning to realize that I might be wrong about things being "meant to be" with the EX. I am only now realizing that it might not have to do with the depth of my love (which I will never question) or the depth of her love (which may also have been legit, who knows), but perhaps with the fact that she just wasn't ready when things started... and no amount of support from me was going to get her there. Perhaps in giving too much too early I opened myself (and indirectly "us") up for injuries that we couldn't recover from. We wouldn't be the first.

 

I mean it is nine months later, and I can only just now BEGIN to say honestly to myself, "I was not happy holding her esteem up... I was exhausted by her lack of trust... she hurt me with her insecurity... and that MAY mean we are not right for each other, or at least that we weren't right at that moment... and the shoddy treatment she's given me since then, even though it was out of confusion, has made recovery unlikely".

 

Unfortunately sometimes it DOES come down to timing. And it is possible my hope for a quick solution skewed that timing by exhausting and reinjuring myself... can by causing her to dig her heals in.

 

As for the EX-EX, I'm just taking it easy... for all I know, our curiosities could draw us back together. If that happens, part of me will be completely surprised... I'd never really felt we'd ever get back together or try again. Yet for some reason (secretly I'll admit I thought it was a "typical guy" physical attraction/conquest thing), she was never entirely gone. I don't think it was a bad decision to break up with her back then.... but we're both adults now... who's to say we haven't grown into each other?

 

Time will tell all. I've given up (or perhaps more appropriately given into) my own timeline, and I'm not in any rush anymore.