About the "nice" ex.

[Lec]

It's just a thread for helping people who have difficulties to overcome the dismiss of there relationship because they think they took there partner for "granted" and so, blame themselve. Usually you see them as "the one that got away". I have been here, i thought that too but it's not true. Don't get me wrong, i don't speak about genuine nice people (who are not a majority) but what we heard usually by "nice". Let's put in place some definition on how to spot a nice guy :

 

-Usually young, certainly immature and a little childish. But you will find that it's "soooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuteeeeeeeee"

-Fear of conflict.

-Because of that, they are people pleaser.

-They also tend to disappear after the break up, or when fight arise. They are avoidant.

-Low self-esteem.

-Very emotional people. Great sensibility. Highly empathetic (nop it's not a good thing).

-Because of that, they tend to run away from there emotion.

-Poor communication skill. Usually the nice guy won't speak about his emotion. And this one is really important.

 

The ugly truth about them is that nice people only care about there nice image. Nothing else matter.

 

How the relationship is :

 

Usually, with those kind of relationship, the break up surprise you. You didn't see it coming right? Wait wait, why, there was no fight after all. So why the break up?

Because of the absence of fighting, of conflict, we tend to think that the relationship was easy, perhaps a little boring, that we have find someone we truly get along. But in truth it wasn't the case.

Let put this clearly. The relationship was bad, the abscence of conflict was only an illusion. The conflicts were here, but you couldn't see them because the "nice guy" didn't speak about it.

Perhaps, 'cause of there self esteem, they think that they are at wrong. Perhaps they don't want to upset you. Perhaps they want to resolve it by themselve. Because of that, ressentment and frustration tend to accumulate.

Another thing is because of there highly empathetic side, little conflict can have huge effect on them.

I said earlier that being highly empathetic is not a good thing, and it's not, because you can't counter-balance it by "understanding", by "reason".

 

Women are not more emotional than men. Immature people are more emotional than mature people.

 

But because of this lack of understanding, the fact that the "nice" person don't understand people lead to one important thing. And if there is one thing you have to understand from this thread, it's that.

 

The only thing they care about in the relationship, even when they took care of you, it's there own emotion.

 

Yep, the relationship was one sided from the start. You couldn't win, you couldn't have a beautiful relationship, with true communication and understanding.

 

Last thing i want to say. And i put it at the end because i'm not sure if i can generalise it. But what happen in my case, was that i was always questionning my love for my partner. "Did i loved her? I don't know. Damned, i should love her, she is so nice!!!"

But here is another thing.

 

You can't love someone "nice". Not because they don't deserve it, not because they are ugly people. But because they don't communicate about themselve. And because of that, you don't really know them, even if you think it's the case. There is nothing going on between the two of you. If you think it is, it's just rationalisation. Remember, they tend to run away from there emotion. How can you love someone if you don't know what they feel, how they feel the world?

But there is also no love because of the lack of communication and the lack of conflict, the relationship can't grow, and you as a person cannot grow with your partner. Huge red flag this one.

[yazlene]

Well I totally understand what you are saying. My nice ex broke up with me without ever really giving me a chance to understand why, He even broke up with me nic ely said he wanted me to be happy and not suffer. That he just wanted me to be happy. BIG LIAR. Now I see his niceness as not so nice but more of a manipulation move on his part. He does things to appear nice but is really selfish.

[Lec]

I'm not sure you should see it that way as a big liar or manipulator. People who have a fear of conflic, who are only rule by there emotion are also people that don't know themselve. They are scare of themselve, what is inside them. Because of that they are scare of the world.

Knowing yourself is similar as creating yourself. Because of that, someone who don't know himself has no depth. They are just surface. The nice person is just that... "nice". In order to be able to lie, you have to have depht

If he says "he want you to be happy" believe it, because he thinks that what a nice person should say. And it's the only thing he know. But nop, it's not authentic, but it doesn't mean it's a lie.

 

On the fact that he didn't really give you a chance to understand why. It's because himself don't know. If i'm right, and that the "nice" partner only think about his feeling, well there is no reason for the break up. Only things that he felt (which may or not may be true). And feeling are not words, they are not thought. Just that, feeling. So usually the only explanation will be that "i don't know". Which certainly only mean "you make me feel bad but i don't really know why you make me feel bad".

And if he gives you, one day, reasons, it will just be rationalisation of tehre feeling.

 

But don't use what i say to run away yourself from your responsability. If he felt bad, well there is something in you that make him feel bad. But it don't mean you are a bad person. It just mean that his sensibility and yoru sensibility don't work with each other, for a lot of reason that can or can not change.

[yazlene]

I am a genuine person and would give someone a chance to work things out....but now I am not interested in working things out with him as he is with another woman and I don't want someone who could move on so quickly. I have learned from this and will realize who the nice guy is in the future.

[lukeb]

As a general rule guys aren't as good at communicating are gals are, there might be certain things we're better at but communication usually isn't one of them. More often than not we also place a lower value on communicating, if the relationship feels good and the chemistry is there often they express love and affection through action rather than words. "Niceness" can sometimes be a problem also because a bit of fighting and trying to exert power can also feed the passion in the relationship and often being too nice can seem boring and lacking passion. Not everyone is into the drama though and are looking for someone they can be themselves with. It all comes down to compatibility and being able to work through the differences.

[utopia]

I recently got dumped by a 'nice' guy. I thought he is the best I can ever find. Hurts a lot.