your ex

[amipushy]

You can try a few things..

 

You can ask him straight out why he still needs to keep in touch and is it because he still has feelings for her?

 

Or you can try the approach of telling him "I dont know how you expect me to feel when you talk/meet up with her, do you want me to feel hurt and disrespected?" This should tell him that you DO feel hurt and disrespected and then he 'should' cut back or back off completely.

 

You can also try the saying that you feel that she is fulfilling an emotional need/ a best friend role which by now you feel that you should be fulfilling and then go quiet and really listen to what he says.

 

If he responds negatively or becomes defensive to any of these then I would pack up my stuff and leave.

[IAmFCA]

Taking the atypical, non-dramatic approach: If this relationship is what you want - or might be what you want - then I would ratchet back your level of involvement, stay in the relationship, and watch how it evolves.

 

I just thought of an example: I wasn't comfortable with it, but it worked out beautifully. I have a friend whose SO was still in business with his ex. The ex was dramatic, needy; he violated boundaries consistently to get attention, and was generally a nuisance. There were many overlapping social occasions involving the three of them, and it was difficult for my friend to take the high road.

 

But he did. And they have been together now 20 years, and very happily too.

[somuchcooler]

I'm going to break up with him because it doesn't look like his behavior is going to change anytime soon. My feelings and comfort should be leaps and bounds greater than an exs. I deserve someone who is willing to make me a top priority.

[notalady]

I'm going to break up with him because it doesn't look like his behavior is going to change anytime soon. My feelings and comfort should be leaps and bounds greater than an exs. I deserve someone who is willing to make me a top priority.

 

Did you end up talking to him again?

 

If you are not comfortable with the situation, obviously you have the right to end the relationship if the situation doesn't change. I also find his defensiveness suspicious, especially when you talked to him in a reasonable manner in the first place. He should have communicated his thoughts on this like an adult and work out a solution if he's not comfortable with your suggestion (e.g. Instead of seeing her less, he could invite you along).

 

On the topic of a gf/bf automatically being the partner's best friend of the opposite sex, I find that view a little naive. And makes you sound like you expect your bf to be a lot of things to you, in addition to just bf.

 

I agree with the others view on this, best friendship takes years and years to develop. Until recently I didn't even believe in "best friends", I have a lot of good friends and that's what I consider them to be. Until one day when talking to one of my friends of 15 years, and my cousin who I grew up with, that I realised they really get me, and have always been and will always be there for me, and no amount of distance and time passing by (we live in different countries) will change what we have, and they are indeed my best friends.

 

You may really like, even love your partner, but your best friend and confidant is, most of the time, someone else. And this someone else is sometimes a person from the opposite sex, so what. I think people whose partner is also their best friend is very lucky to have found / developed something so special. It's not always the case, one person can't always meet all your needs, and that's ok.

[somuchcooler]

I did end up talking to him again and I could just tell by the way the conversation went that he wasn't really taking me concerns seriously because he got defensive and wasn't willing to compromise at all.

 

I see what you're saying about best friend status taking time but I know if I have been with my bf for a while and he considered himself closer to another girl (non family member) than me and could confide in her more than me then I would have to reconsider my role as his gf because in my mind gf status means that you share intimacy with that one particular person of the opposite sex that you don't have/can't share with just a female friend. As the relationship grows I expect that my bf would slowly start seeing me as at least his best female friend. I'm not saying he can't have any female friends that he ever confides in but if he feels more comfortable constantly confiding in another girl over more or more than me then I would be weary because that is how emotional cheating can start. A male best friend is different to a guy because there might be some "guy" things that he wants to confide in his male best friend about that he wouldn't feel comfortable telling me about as a female and I totally understand that.

[mhowe]

I guess you are agreeing to disagree with some posters.

 

And maybe you haven't clearly articulated the issue ---or maybe it has to do with age.

 

However, you spoke to your bf again....and he wasn't really taking your concerns seriously. So...what are you going to do?

 

No one said he would "confide in her more than you". And how do you know it is "more and more". Many men, and especially ones who have sisters, are

very comfortable having female friends without sexuallizing the relationship.