Head is playing games with myself

[floridasfinest]

So I broke up with my ex-gf of 4.5 years about a month and a half ago...she admitted to kissing a coworker while he was at her place for drinks. She violated my trust, and although nothing "too bad" happened (so she says)...she still kissed him. We were in a long distance relationship, but I will be living back near her in about 4 months. Our relationship was anything but perfect, however we were very deeply in love. I think the distance got to her in a weak moment, and I do trust that it was one mistake.

 

She begged for me to not cut ties with her...said she would never do it again. She never hung out with the guy after the incident, and now I cant help but think I am making a mistake for letting her go since what she did really wasn't all that bad. We had a very deep connection, and were each other's first loves. I have been getting thoughts lately that I would regret throwing something away for a stupid small mistake...I guarantee she would forgive me if I did the same thing.

 

Is my head just playing games with me? Or would any of you think that this relationship is salvageable? I talked to her yesterday and was pretty heartbroken to hear her feel comfortable with moving on...I guarantee if I told her that we could give it another try, she would agree and probably be ecstatic. However I'm not quite sure how I would feel if she told me that she didnt want to get back together.

 

Im so angry...my life is miserable right now, and I am constantly thinking about her. I like to think that I am a rational and mindful person, but this situation has got me in a wreck right now. Thanks

[pfbsurf]

Hmmm. At her place. Drinks. Just the two of them? Just a kiss? How did you find out? Has she mentioned him before? A bit more detail please.

 

I unfortunately subscribe to the iceberg theory when it comes to these things. What you "know" is typically just a fraction of the truth.

 

Also, how old are you both? First loves... Women tend to move on more quickly and easier than men.

[DancingFool]

Inviting a guy over for drinks at her place is not a mistake, it's a planned effort. Sorry, but face reality. Your original reaction to dump her was the correct one. Also, long distance has nothing to do with fidelity. I haven't seen you in awhile so I started messing with someone else is not an excuse and is most definitely not love. You may have been her first, but it seems that she is ready to discover what else is out there. Let this go for your own sanity and cut off communication. Time to move on and explore other options yourself.

[floridasfinest]

I am 24 she is 23... I am in the same mindset...it could have been much worse. I guess I wont ever know. But she did seem very sorry and regretful. She never mentioned him before.

 

This is why I feel like I need some input. Im obviously not thinking clearly right now (it doesnt help that I am having a hard time with my studies.)

[pfbsurf]

Dude, my heart goes out to you. Its the worst feeling in the world - i know.

 

She is sorry and regretful, most likely because you found out. This was not random. It sux, but you need to dust yourself off and go full no contact. Social media, phone # etc - cut all ties.

 

focus on your studies, try and spend time with friends, relaxing or maybe picking up a new hobby. 4.5 years is a long time at your age. Being single will be healthy for you.

 

Don't start dating yet - just focus on yourself. Over time you will feel better about the relationship despite what happened. You will feel good about your behavior, and especially about your ability to walk away with your dignity. MANY guys in your situation would have tried to make this work. Once that happens, you become a doormat, you set a standard for yourself and her that is below where it should be, and - you would try to make it work without having any real trust. (if she came crawling back to you week one begging that may have been a different story, but in this case, she seems to have moved on...)

 

 

Edit - what i've learned is that it is human nature to question whether you are in "love", and that it is normal to be attracted to someone other than your SO, BUT, infidelity is a deal breaker on any level. Communication along the lines of "let's see other people" or I want to take a break and we will not be exclusive etc. is the only way to handle this for both sides. Short of that you have someone who is being selfish about their needs and inconsiderate about yours - NOT appropriate at any stage in a relationship.

[floridasfinest]

I appreciate the advice.

 

She was practically begging me to forgive her after I found out...immediately. She was horribly miserable and called me every day.

 

But like I said....my mind is foggy right now and I really don't want to give into it and make a huge mistake. I can see my weakness in other users on ENA, and I can't believe I am sinking to that level as well. It's just painful I guess...if she straight up left me for another guy then I would leave it...but since I technically ended it I am feeling like I am the one who is making the mistake.

 

Thanks again

[pfbsurf]

I get it. I really do. If you read my posts, the stories are a bit similar. She started to stray, I pulled the plug. She missed me, I missed her. I still do. She was a MESS. I have been second guessing but i also know that I was right to move on. Its not a great feeling.

 

The problem is that there really was no other way for you to handle it. Its a catch 22. If you accepted this behavior, you really do set the tone for the relationship going forward. She knows that you will forgive her, and, subconsciously, she also loses respect for you. Again, this was not random - she invited a guy up to her place for drinks. She "kissed" him. Nothing else? maybe in high school (sorry). Maybe not full on s*x, but there is more to this story.

 

Again, use this as an opportunity to set standards for yourself and your future relationships. Infidelity is an epidemic, and 70% of all divorces are initiated by women. I don't want to get on a soapbox but long-term relationships are very tricky in this day and age, and many women do not think twice about cheating, esp as a relationship matures. (google hypergamy) The ONLY way to avoid this is to have your girlfriend/wife respect and love you consistently, and to have completely open and honest communication from very early on. This means setting boundaries that are not broken, and having standards that are rock solid.

 

My example above - where a couple "takes a break" where dating others is acceptable, is a reasonable alternative that your GF could have offered up. She didnt. My guess is that you would have if you were in the same situation? (Many guys would not either btw).

 

Anyway, you did the right thing. Seriously.

[floridasfinest]

Youre totally right...so glad I started this thread. We were planning on talking today but I needed some input first.

 

Thanks everybody!