Ex broke down crying after 2 months of no talking about &quo

[Universe]

quick details of my story: togeth 5 years, apart over 3 months, I tried to get back together after a month of NC and found out she had started sleeping with an older guy, she said she loved me and not him, I bolted, got my head together, got comfortable with myself, decided I still loved her and wanted her back, after a cooling off period we went on four dates in as many weeks but did not call them dates, we had a great time together and it was all fun and comfortable and I exuded a lot of confidence, I never contacted her during that time except mutually to make plans for our "dates", the forth "date" was fun and comfortable until the end of the night when we were both really drunk and were sort of out of sorts and I started to feel a little hurt and confused.

 

so...

 

A week before christmas I resolved not to contact my ex anymore unless provoked. Spending time with her had been really fun and comfortable, but it started to make me confused and hurt. So my instincts told me to stop. I was a little anxious about x-mas because I knew she'd probably want to exchange gifts. She called me a couple days before and we played phone tag through x-mas until yesterday when we finally met up. We had lunch together and it was very confortable and nice. We had a lot to talk about as usual (no relathionship stuff).

Then we went out to her car to exchange gifts and said our goodbyes. After a good long tight hug, which is how we've been parting since the break, she started crying. My heart jumped out of my chest. I hated seeing her cry. But it was also the first real sign of how she's really feeling about everything since we broke up. She had said that she'd written me 8 letters since we broke up but could give me any of them. She had one with my x-mas gift but took it out at the last second and told me so when she started crying.

We didn't get back together and I didn't even bring it up. But we talked for a while longer then went and got coffee nearby and talked for another 3 hours or so. She mostly talked about her problems and stuff and I tried to give advice and insight. I feel very strong and wise right now. She told me that she can't talk to anyone else the way she talks to me and that she feels really alone. She feels like all her friends here are shallow and that her job is making her feel shallow. She does a fluff column for a weekly magazine. She's actually made quite a name for herself. But the content is pretty light for someone of her intelligence and education. She feels like it's making her shallow and it's stifling her fiction writing.

After she seemingly did not want to part for most of the afternoon and was prolonging the meeting more than I was, she kindof suddenly wanted to part. It was getting a little late and we both had things to do. But something definitely got inside her head and made her want to leave me. I took it in stride and did not try to make her stay.

Don't mean to overload you with details. But now I'm really getting the big picture and it's not comforting. Basically, she wants to leave this town soon. She doesn't know where she wants to go or what to do exactly. She wants to write fiction. But that's pretty vague. I think she really loves me and doesn't want to leave me, but she probably feels that she can't get where she's going in life while attached to me. I can understand that. I was even encouraging her, without hesitation, to quit her job and leave here.

But the other thing that hit me is that while I was sitting there with her, I starting falling in love with her all over again. Granted, I was already in love with her and already wanted us to get back together. But it felt intense like when I fell in love with her in the begginning. I don't think I had felt so intensely connected with her before. And yet, we're still apart. I really started to feel like we might get back together. But I did not, and will not bring up or press the issue.

I feel like if I really love her, I should send her off to wherever she wants to go; unattached so she can have all the experiences that she can possibly have. We're so young to be weighing each other down. But of course I'm afraid if I do that that we will never be together again. Lives take twists and turns and end up in places from which there is no return.

 

I plan to continue not contacting her unless she calls, but I'm just really worried about her. She's obviously very confused and hurt and doesn't quite no how to see her way through all of this. I want so much to help her, but I know I can't push. I don't want to confuse her anymore than she already is. I want to be there for her, but I don't want her to walk on me, even if she is doing so inadvertantly.

 

So I'm back to NC. I just wish there was something I could do. I guess I'm doing it by leaving her alone and working on my own issues.

 

What do you guys think? Does anyone care? or am I just rambling again?

 

Was this a sign that my efforts to get us back together are working? I haven't told her openly that I want to get back together for over 7 weeks, though it should be obvious to her that I still love her very much. I think I've been good about giving her time and space to think. I've presented myself very well...very cool, confident, funny, and relaxed and have applied no pressure whatsoever.

 

Do you think this is a break-thru or a false alarm?

[Mix Maxster]

The important thing is to always hear what they say and to reassure them that it's their decision and not yours. Tell them how it may affect you if you're willing to do so, but never do so under the presumption that the person will take it to heart. Say it in such a manner that suggests they've already made up their mind and that you know there's nothing you can do to change it.

 

In this case you know what you're capable of doing and what is within your power, if you want to do NC because of all of this then afterall it's your decision to make and is not within our place to say if it's right or not. Handle things however you can, but seeing as you're asking us for advice I'd say that what's right for her is her decision, not yours. Chances are she knows what's right for her, but is afraid of how it will affect others. Maybe the best thing you can do, is show her how much you support her so she doesn't have to feel guilty in making her own choice.

[Hope75]

Universe,

 

Ugh. I really feel for you. Your situation right now is similar to mine.

 

My live-in ex of 2 year & I broke up 4 weeks ago and he is confused but thinks he may want to get back with me but not happy with the way thigns were, and so I am kind of left hanging. We've spent time on "dates" too, though not officially called dates. It's always a great time but once in awhile I end up feeling hurt and confused, as you mentioned you do as well.

 

I too have tried to be supportive but also to let him know what I want but that I want him to be happy too and give him the time and space he needs to make the decision on his own..... all the while hoping his decision is to be with me.

 

My story is here if you're interested in reading it & have any advice to give:

link removed

 

Basically I just want to say that I think you are doing the right thing by being supportive but giving her the space, and not contacting her but def. leaving her the oppotunity to contact you if she needs.

 

She does sound confused and by her confession of the letters it's obvious she still has feelings for you. I think your best bet is to keep doing what you're doing and I hope for you that she will come around and come back. She is def. conflicted but I think if given the time she may see what she's missing. She knows how you feel and bravo for not bringing it up while she was so upset, you played it very cool there.

 

Well again best of luck, and if you have any advice for me I'm always looking for more points of view!

[DivineNess]

i agree with the last poster, i think the way you are proceeding with the situation is the way to go and basically you should let her do what she wants to do and encourage her to explore her options even if they don't include you. it is likely that your ex also feels closer to you now otherwise she wouldn't have cried. she is probably very confused about you and her life's direction. well hopefully she'll come around and whether it be now or later on i hope you guys end up together.

[Universe]

Thanks so much for your replies.

 

I've been missing her so much this morning (like every morning). But your replies have really helped me to feel better. I keep second guessing my actions and wondering what my future actions should be. My emotions and my moods are very eratic lately. But I feel so grounded. I feel like I'm staring God in the eye and I'm not backing down. I'm not afraid. I stand to lose the most beautiful love I've ever dreamed possible.

Maybe that's why I'm so confident when I'm with her. But when I'm not with her I can think about is that I may never see her again.

For a while I thought I was totally over the fact that she slept with someone after only two weeks of us being broken up. But lately it's been hurting me a little more, piece by piece. I don't know if she's still with him. I told her a couple weeks ago in a leter that if he makes her happy, then she should be with him and that I would understand. At the time, I didn't know if they were still together. I don't know if they've been together since I found out. I haven't asked her or made any mention of it except for in my letter. She's said nothing of it which leads me to believe they are still together. Otherwise, why not tell me?

 

I feel like I'm doing the right thing. And it feels so good that you all seem to agree.

 

The latest question on my mind (but I'm pretty sure I know what to do) is: At any point in the future, would it be good to bring up getting back together? You complimented me on not bringing it up before. Is there any point in the future where it would be a good idea? My gut tells me I should just wait till she brings it up no matter how long it takes. I told her in my letter that I love her and want more than anything to be the one to make her happy. So she knows how I feel already. I just don't want to push or pressure her or confuse her even more.

 

Again - thank you so much for your posts. They really helped a lot.

[Universe]

Also -

Since it's bothering me, should I ask her flat out if she's still seeing that guy? If I knew, it wouldn't change my plan of action. I would still approach it all the same way. But i guess it would help me understand better where I stand. Maybe that's what I'm looking for. And there's no way to know for sure.

 

I don't plan to ask her about him. But I may feel the need to later on. Would it hurt my chances with her if I asked her? Would I be appyling pressure or presenting myself as needy?

[Leges39]

how did you find the power and energy to not contact her and get your head together? where are my instincts?

[Hope75]

Universe,

 

I don't think you should bring up getting back together right away. I think for now you should do what you are doing and play it cool, and let her come to you. The fact that there may be another guy involved still kind of complicates things, but at this point I don't know how she will react if you ask her about him.

 

How do you think she will react? If you think you can ask her calmly about it and she will be fine with that, go ahead and try, but there's a good chance she may get upset and say it isn't your business (and it isn't). You risk a chance of pushing her farther away.

 

at this point I think you should prob. not ask her about him for now, and let things play out a little, letting her contact you and see how that goes,

 

If things seem to be moving along, she contacts you and you guys spend time together and things go well then maybe in a few weeks or so you'll feel comfortable asking her what her thoughts are on a possible reconciliation. You may not even need to ask about the guy, he answer to your reconciliation question may answer that for you.

 

Just relax for now and take your time, let her do the contacting, give her a chance to come to you and if she doesn't then it's time to let her go for good.

[Universe]

how did you find the power and energy to not contact her and get your head together? where are my instincts?

 

I don't know. To be honest, I surprised even myself. If you're interested I will try to explain...I need to get some of this off my chest anyways.

 

I was in a relationship two years before this one (seven years ago) and it ended with me not knowing when to quit. It ended with me not giving her time to think and I basically pushed her away. It was for the best because she didn't really love me. But I learned my lesson. I learned that pestering an ex and making demands and being needy are a sure way to make someone never want to be with you ever.

 

With my current ex it was much different. She loved me more than I ever dreamed anyone ever could. It was such an intense love. This one is definitely worth saving.

When we broke up it was sortof mutual. We were living together and we both needed space. She had half moved out two months before we broke up. She didn't take any of her stuff, just some clothes and nothing else. We made a conscious effort to give each other space and work things out. But we continued to have sex and see each other regularly. It wasn't enough. The relationship was putting too much pressure on both of us.

So we agreed to break up. We cried together for a long time and it was beautiful in a very sad ending kind of way. But for me was not the end, but the beginning. I went straight to work on getting my head together. It was just understood that we would not spend time together because that was the whole point of breaking up. We'd already talked so much and tried so hard to make everything work. But time apart was the only solution.

I'm have a band and she came to a few of our shows. We'd had tickets to go to a concert from before we broke up. So we went. Since I had been working on my issues and had taken advantage of hte clarity I gained from getting out from under the pressure of the relationship, I was able to show her my strong, happy, fun, confident side. I'd also been working out and look noticebly better than before. She had a good time.

 

As it turns out, she had just started having sex with this older guy. She did not tell me. She was afraid of hurting me.

 

I continued NC for 7 weeks after the initial break up. It was hard but I knew it was necessary. I also had plenty to distract me.

 

Then I went (in a fit of desperation) to get her back. That's when I found out she had been hittin' it with this guy. It was very dramatic. I left her at the restaurant we were at. She got up and ran after me. She was crying. She tried to explain. She said she didn't love him and didn't want to be dating him and that she really loved me. I walked away again. She kept chasing me. It was bad. I went home and had something akin to a nervous break down. I couldn't eat or sleep for the next two days. I ran a fever and had dry heaves. It wasn't pretty. I was pretty sure I'd never see her again.

 

At the end of the two days of no food or sleep I decided to email her. And as I was emailing her, something magical happened. A good friend of hers who is out of town IMed me thinking I was her. She used to use my account. I told him what had happened. He encouraged me to write her. He said that he was certain that what she had done stemmed entirely from how she felt about me.

 

What that made me realize was very important. I realized that I had driven her to it...sort of. I can't really explain that without getting into the details of our relationship.

 

I emailed her and just said that I still wanted to be in her life as long as she would have me in it. Then I just waited for her reply.

 

I think what I'm getting at is that I realized that I was not necessarily the victim. And that I was not necessarily innocent. It all happened to me and because of me. I knew then, that I was in control of my destiny and always had been. But I had not known it and consequently had been letting my life spin aimlessly out of control. So with my newfound control I found a great deal of comfort.

 

She wrote me back a few days later saying that though her actions speak loudly, they say something altogether different from what she feels. She said she could see us being together in the future, but that she did not want a romantic relationship with me in the immediate future.

 

I knew I couldn't sit around the house and be sick about everything anymore, so I got right out there. I went out and partied. It took quite an effort. Everyone knows it's not easy to have a good time right after your lover takes a sh*t on your heart. But it was either that or invite straight up mental illness.

 

I called her a week after getting her email to invite her for a cup of coffee. But she was at the airport, going out of town for the weekend to visit her brother. So I was relieved that she wouldn't be with her new guy all weekend and I didn't have to drive myself crazy worrying about it. So that was lucky.

 

Incidentally, I probably would not have called her so soon, but when I talked to her friend over IM he reminded me of something I felt really stupid for forgetting. My ex has a pretty severe abondonment complex. Her father was a major figure in her life until she was about 10. Then he left all at once. 10 is a pretty key age for a girl to have a father around, and he just completely abondoned her. She had two older brothers, one of which used to beat the tar out of her and her brother for fun. It was pretty bad. So her father abandoning her was pretty traumatic for her.

 

So I decided that pulling straight NC at that point was a bad idea. I had to let her know that I would not abondon her no matter what.

I also read a book called "How to get your lover back" by Blaise Harris. I know. I know. I would have laughed at you if you told me I'd ever be caught reading one of those types of books. But I did and it helped a lot. Obviously I don't have my lover back yet. But it helped me cope with the loss and helped me take the right steps to recovery.

 

So next I hung out with her four times in as many weeks. I never brought up her new man and never mentioned getting back together. I just tried to have fun and enjoy it. I was warm and calm and funny.

 

As I said earlier, after the fourth "date" i felt funny and decided to start NC. When I say NC, I mean not contacting her, but not openly avoiding her.

 

So that brings us to where we are. She opened up to me (not totally, but she cried) on "date 5" when we exchanged gifts. And no I'm waiting again. At this point I'm thinking it's still going to be a good while before I can realistically hope she will come back. I don't know how long I can stay available to her. I mean - if she stops calling, I guess that will be it. But I think she'll call.

 

God - that got REALLY long. Did anyone make it through all that?

 

For me, it's not about weathering NC, it about understanding that her decisions are her own. Once you realize that your contacting her will at best only confuse her more, then you know how futile it is.

 

There's no way anyone is reading all of this.

[Universe]

Thanks Hope75,

 

I agree. I just needed to some reassurance. Yes, definitely don't ask her.

 

thanks.

 

I wish i could unpost the above. It's so long!

[DivineNess]

i just read all of that, lol. after reading your mini novel i concluded that you should remaine just friends with her for now and let things fall how they may.

[Leges39]

never mentioned getting back together. I just tried to have fun and enjoy it. I was warm and calm and funny.

 

universe, this is where i am at right now. (i read all of it because it is soooo close to my situation).

 

just recently, her and i had become very close over the holidays, even though we were apart, and i was really setting high expectations on us for some reason. so, when i brought up the "us" subject again, i kind of made an asssss of my self this time because of such a high we were on and the fact that come the new year, she starts her program and cannot deal with my wanting to get together....

 

we talked last night for about an hour and it was great like nothing happened and she even said that she knows i don't mean to act that way (getting upset about not knowing our future) and that alone tells me she loves me (besides her saying it), because any other girl would have told me to F off long ago. she trully cares.

 

we are actaully going to spend tonight together and possibly all day new years eve....now, i MUST NOT bring up us or i ruin it all.......

[Universe]

It must be over. I feel like garbage.

 

I ran into a couple friends of hers last night while out at a bar. I had been pretty good friends with them when I was with her. They were nice but they were visibly confused as to how to talk to me. They didn't really talk about any thing of substance and then walked away.

They really made me feel like crap - like I was a joke. That's how I feel anytime I'm around any of her friends - like a joke. Everyone knows that she basically left me for another guy and I'm too pathetic to give it up.

 

I want to tell her not to contact me anymore. But what would be the point? She already only calls me about once a week if that. What would be the point of telling her not to do something she's already not doing.

Things felt like they were going well with her. I felt I was gradually making progress - putting my best foot forward. "Playing it cool" as Hope says. cpxsim said

how did you find the power and energy to not contact her and get your head together?

Well I obviously don't have the power and enrgy and I obviously don't have my head together. I won't contact her because I know that it is certain death. Beyond that I'm an emotional mess. I can be cool when I'm with her, but when I'm not, my whole world falls apart.

 

It just hurts so much right now.

I know that nothing's really changed since my last posts. So why give up now? I don't know. I just feel like she's made a fool out of me.

 

Am I a fool?

[Leges39]

i feel the same way sometimes universe, but i am going to put trust into this woman right now that she would not stoop so low with me.

[SilverManic]

Also hurting from a breakup right now. My situation is slightly different. I know it doesn't feel like it now but the pain will go away. I think the best way to go about it is to get over the relationship. It doesn't mean you can't think about her and love her. But after time your mind gets used to the fact that it's never going to happen and so on. Even if it does maybe thats the best way to heal?

I hope you feel better your not a fool. You sound like a very caring understanding person. I hope things work out.

~S.