How do you stop thinking about someone?

[dreamweaverdude]

Most of you know the relationship i put myself into, but in case, I have been in a emotional affair (being honest with terms there) for over two years and she decided things were stagnant and werent' going anywhere. So she went back to an ex- bf and in short order told me two weeks ago they were getting married, and they indeed got married on Christmas Day.

 

I just got off the phone with her this morning and it's like she wanted me and still loves me but felt she would never get me, so she settled for her ex.

 

My question is how do you get over thinking of someone all the time? I mean for the lack of a better term i almost obsessed over this woman. She was everything to me, still is. I mean the times we spent were precious. I mean how do you stop thinking about someone? I know i have to but I seriously am not sure how to stop the constant thinking of her and the times we shared. She was my dream come true.

 

For those of you that know, I am trying to deal with the issues at home , but find that very difficult when my heart there is so cold. It's like now since this has happened i resent her even more. So any ideas on dealing with a COLD heart?

 

I'm open for suggestions.

[arwen]

Hey dreamweaver,

 

I have read your previous posts and I can only advise you one thing. A very common term on this forum that really really works: no contact...

 

I don't know why but I have never felt the need to contact an ex. I cut the relationship off when my heart is broken and I am never friends with them again. Because I have this inner thrive to move on I guess. I have read so many stories here about people trying to get back together, trying to contact, to see what happens, etc.

 

No contact is actually more often used to get someone back than to get over someone. I think it purely should be done to get over someone. You need time and space to give the memories and the emotions that have been part of your life for the last year a place. The keyword here is memory. If you stay in touch with someone that hurt you, someone that you loved, the memories are not part of the past, they are still part of the present.

 

It doesn't mean you should ignore the the fact that this relationship took place. It was real and you have enjoyed the experience of meeting someone (next to your wife, as I have noticed later, let's not open that can of worms here though ).

 

This is still part of who you are. What you need to do is make this part of the past. A memory has a fixed place, namely in the category of things that you know will not have a future in your life. It's a closed book, that you can still read from time to time, but your focus should be on your life as it is now and in the future.

 

Thinking of her will be what you be doing most of the time for the coming period, probably. But if you don't speak to her, there are no extra memories to be added to your book. You see? It becomes one story, not a neverending one. Before this metaphor goes out of hand: just take the time, don't email, don't call, don't sms, don't IM, don't whatsoever that brings you in contact with her.

 

Start the newyear fresh! I hope you will feel better soon...

 

Ilse.

[Ated]

VERY VERY VALID POINTS ilse

 

Dreamweaver, ilse is absolutely right... Use NC to heal yourself.

 

Ilse i do have one question. What if the ex (the dumper) contacts the dumpee? The dumper who contats the dumpee has a gf??

 

To make things easier. This is the situation i am in. My ex who dumped me replaces me with a new girl just after a month. (we dated for 1.5 years) He tells me he wants nothing to do with me, the love was gone... etc. So i left him alone. We bump into each other once in a while and after 5 months, he breaks no contact. Me being a 'nice' girl told him i didn't appriciate his calls and asked why he is calling when he has a gf to talk to? He states that he only wants to be friends and not to get my hopes up. (STOP! Get my hopes up when i never call him cos i dont want to hear from him? hmmm) Anyways, he manages to always set my healing process. He calls me at least once a motnh and evertime he does i tell him as always that i do not appriiate the calls.

 

He calls my landline and so i do n ot know that it is him calling. If he was to call my mobile phone, he calls me on a private number and so i pick up. The problem is when i do pick up, i am 'polite' to him and i guess it sends the message that i am alright with being friends with him when in fact i am not. I have expressed to him that i do not want to be friends, but we could be civl (friendly if we bump into each other)

 

I am stuck in a rut. Soemtimes i think i can take my 'revenge' by befriending him. I heard that it hurts twice if u be nice to them, after them treating you badly. But then i also think that he really hurt me badly and that befriending him will only lead him to disrespect me even more. A friend of mine said that 'if he treated u badly when u were dating, what are the chances of him treating you as a friend'....

 

 

*sigh* pls help me... SHould i be nice or just tell him to leave me alone...

[Scottrn]

This is still part of who you are. What you need to do is make this part of the past. A memory has a fixed place, namely in the category of things that you know will not have a future in your life. It's a closed book, that you can still read from time to time, but your focus should be on your life as it is now and in the future

 

Very well said ilse. That is the bottom line. For your future, I think you need to figure out who/what YOU want to do or be, not what you should or shouldn't do. As long as you don't know (or care) who you are, you will continue to be like a ship tossed on the waves, never finding peace and contentment.

 

 

*sigh* pls help me... SHould i be nice or just tell him to leave me alone...

Ated, seems you answered this yourself. Tell him, and mean it, to leave you alone. Seems to me he's still using you to lift himself up...."hee hee she still misses me".

He states that he only wants to be friends and not to get my hopes up.

Whats that? Just an ego boost at your expense. Enough of that, move on and if he calls, remind him that you don't appreciate the calls and hang up. Don't worry about not being nice, he isn't.

[dreamweaverdude]

Ilse and Ated,

 

Points well taken especially some of your comments Ilse.

 

Yes, regardless of whether the relationship was right or wrong, it was REAL and it was MEANINGFUL. And I know NC is best, but i think as much as I liked the attention of the relationship, so did she. And even this morning she has texted and called me.... which makes no sense.

 

NC is going to be very difficult for me. I can already see that.

 

I have to admit i have found some of the wisest 'young' people in this forum. Wisdom doesn't come from age, but from experiences. Thanks Ilse AND Ated.

[Mentor]

*sigh* pls help me... SHould i be nice or just tell him to leave me alone...

Ated, seems you answered this yourself. Tell him, and mean it, to leave you alone. Seems to me he's still using you to lift himself up...."hee hee she still misses me".

He states that he only wants to be friends and not to get my hopes up.

Whats that? Just an ego boost at your expense. Enough of that, move on and if he calls, remind him that you don't appreciate the calls and hang up. Don't worry about not being nice, he isn't.

 

I agree with everyone else here, you should stop calling her, or contacting her in any way.

 

Ated, you sound incredibly mature and self-aware for someone so young! Good for you!

 

I have a slightly different take on the NC thing when the ex calls. If you are forward and tell them not to contact you, then they do know that you are still hurting. I think that this is a bigger ego boost for them. As long as you are not in too much pain, I would recommend being polite, but cool. If you are not contacting them, and when they contact you they get this response, they will soon realize that they are the ones looking like fools and stop.

 

FWIW, I am a believer that (some) exes can be friends, given a long time to heal (we are talking years). You started out as friends, that foundation remains even after all of the trappings above have been torn down. I think that most people don't realize that it takes as long as it does though, and force it too soon.

[arwen]

Well, my ex, who I was with for 4 years still contacts me from time to time, although I have told him at every occasion that I didn't appreciate it. He would do the same, call me on mobile and not send the number. I was polite and said that if I would ever want to be in touch, he would hear from ME. He has not really respected that until now, but has gone from calling to emailing, which I choose to (wisely) ignore. I just delete the email. Even an email will relive my anger at him so badly that I have been awake a whole night the last time. For the record, we have been split up for almost 2 years now.

 

He contacts me out of guilt. He wants to know I am ok, although he has really ruined a part of my trust in relationships in general. And he knows so. He has been selfish and he knows. He cannot really enjoy his present relationship out of this guilt. As long as I stay friendly and friends with him and he knows I am not angry anymore he will be able to move on. I will only be able to move on if I let it in the past. He knows how he has made me feel in the last half year of our 'relationship', and he made bad choices. In a nutshell: we broke up twice in 4 years. After the second time he called me after 4 months and we slept together soon after we re-established contact. It was only after a couple of weeks that he told me that he didn't want a 'real relationship', and that he 'had been' in love with another girl during the period we were broken up, but this had not turned into something. She came up in conversations way too much, and he was 'building from friendship-plus to relationship-in-the-future' with me. I had to leave for my studies abroad and we decided to see what would happen after. When I got back we met and he flirted, called me all the time etc. I had already decided not to open that can of worms again in my life, so I made things final. It was 6 months later that I heard via via that he was together with that girl (YES THAT GIRL) and even a year later that I heard from him in person that he had been with her already when I was abroad. That, yes, indeed he sort of used me that period between broken up and me leaving to get over HER. He will have to live with that himself, I am not the one to solve his guilt-issue with me. That's that.

 

Dreamweaver, I told this story to illustrate my point of view a bit more. I know your ex has betrayed you and lied to you. I know she went back to an ex. If she does anything to 'stay friends with you', I assure you this is out of guilt. If you want to close it off, do so, and move on. She is not the girl you want.

 

You have more pride than this!

 

Ilse.

[Mentor]

Some relationships end in a way that makes being friends afterward impossible

 

I have had the good fortune of never experiencing this.

[Bibora]

Some relationships end in a way that makes being friends afterward impossible

 

I have had the good fortune of never experiencing this.

 

I'm affraid mine ended like that. But for the moment i think its for the best.