Is playing hard to get the way to go?

[corvidae]

DragonGirl724, I think what most men refer to when talking about 'playing hard to get' is the game women play where they pretend/fake disinterest in order to make other person feel that they are not interested. This often involves pretending to have better things to do when the person asks you out, making the other person approach you and think up ways to keep you interested in them and generally making them feel you don't give two cents about them.

 

DragonGirl724, you must understand two things: firstly you say the best apples are at the top and that we must put effort in to get what we want. That should work both ways shouldn't it? If you are expecting people to put effort to get you, what about your effort? What are you willing to put in? What is the tree you are prepared to climb? Secondly, no one is saying you need to be up the other person's a*se or to follow them around everywhere or whatever, but you can find middle ground. What the men here are asking women to do is to be honest. Don't pretend you don't want to talk to us in order to make us talk to you, don't say you're busy and can't go out when that isn't true. By all means have your own life, but do not deliberately and intentionally play mind games to make your admirer feel that you don't care about them or that they should be 'working harder'. Is this too much to ask? Treat someone like you would want to be treated. Simple.

 

Lastly I just want to say that what is clear from this thread is that women like the hard to get game and men don't. This is obvious. Men do the chasing, women do the playing, and who doens't like being chased? Of course women want to see men going through a lot of effort to get them, it makes them feel wanted and desirable. What women don't understand is that while thet are feeling good they are making someone else feel bad. I hate women like this. But us men have responsibility in this too. We let women get away with this behaviour. I ask all men to stop this, to stop doing the chasing. To say 'I have some self-respect, I will NOT jump through hoops for anyone. Not anyone. I am worth more than that' When all men have this attitude then women will have to adjust.

[corvidae]

One more thing...DragonGirl724, and all the girls that have posted on this thread...you clearly enjoy being chased and have had men chase you in the past. Good for you. But now try to imagine what it is like to have led your lives up to this moment having never had one other human being ever show even the slightest interest in you. Imagine how ugly and unwanted you would feel. Imagine how you would question everything about yourself from your face to your weight, to your taste in clothes. Imagine having gone through all this. Go on, take a moment and imagine hard. Now, tell me, how inclined are you to chase anyone? How do you feel about being expected to make other people feel good when you've never been made to feel good yourself? How confident are you? I really don't expect a woman to understand that, but a lot of men are in that position whether they admit it or not. This is what you create. Well done.

[MetalJoe]

ok what do u all consider as the 'hard to get' game???? i dont think we all see eye to eye on the topic....

 

It varies depending on who and how. From personal experience things such as not calling or not returning calls/e-mails, refusing to talk on the phone for long, avoidance - refusing to meet up again for long periods of time or always making excuses/changing plans, being aloof, indifferent or distant, being overly critical or complaining, never taking the initiative, being quiet or uncommunicative, flirting then "taking it back" or flirting with other guys while on a date, never being honest about feelings/emotions... yadda yadda.

 

Essentially making things difficult, putting up barriers and showing signs which say "not interested".

[MetalJoe]

I ask all men to stop this, to stop doing the chasing. To say 'I have some self-respect, I will NOT jump through hoops for anyone. Not anyone. I am worth more than that' When all men have this attitude then women will have to adjust.

 

Bravo!

 

I made that decision a few years back after I realised how much time I had wasted and how boring, frustrating and soul-destroying it was. The women who play games often turn out to be selfish, uninteresting, mixed up or lacking in self-esteem. The ones I've met who don't go in for all the game playing have proved to be more attractive, confident, intelligent and generally "the best apples" (if you insist upon using a fruit analogy). Unfortunately, they're also the ones who are more in demand ;-)

 

Life's too short to waste time and effort with all the psychological games and deceit. Call me old-fashioned but it would be nice to see a bit more honesty, fun and romance!

[DragonGirl724]

thats i why i said i think its interesting to be chased and to do some of the chasing as well. i dont by all means play mind games. im a very blunt person & sometimes i am too blunt. dating is playing the field, im not saying to go around playing PEOPLE, but whats wrong w/ having a little fun & we are humans we are inticed by what we know we cant have or have to work for. its human nature.

 

-DG724

[lkbillings]

I guess my version of "hard to get" differs slightly . I was at a party and met a guy (who I had seen around campus before) and who also had a colum un our school newspaper. At the end of the evening, he told me to email him.

 

I'm not exactly sure what possessed me to do this, but I told him, "No. Here's my first and last name. If you want, look me up in our school directory and email me".

 

I was skeptical, but I wanted to see if my plan would work. Interestingly enough, it did. He emailed me a few days later. And yes, I emailed him back right away.

[MetalJoe]

I guess my version of "hard to get" differs slightly

 

I wouldn't say that was playing hard to get, especially since you responded straight away when he e-mailed. It's playful, but not playing hard to get.

[MetalJoe]

I forgot to ask the most important question...

 

...what happened next?

[Tinkerbell]

I just don't see the point in playing hard to get.

I think that if you really like a person, you won't bother with these silly games because there's a good chance it'll just throw them off.

[youngin]

I just don't see the point in playing hard to get.

I think that if you really like a person, you won't bother with these silly games because there's a good chance it'll just throw them off.

 

OMG Thankyou! Youve got it!

 

Corvidae is right. Period. In fact he is usually right.

[youngin]

oh please theres nothing wrong w/ a little chase! end of story. stuck up..i dont think so. if i went with every guy that liked me & didnt single them out in 1 way or another id be in a lot of trouble as would a lot of other people.

 

im not saying dont be selective. Saying "no" isnt playing hard to get. im saying dont lie. be honest. yes, definitely have a life. dont always be available. Just dont be purposely unavailable when in truth you are interested. i hate liars.

[Emmylu]

I know girls are supposed to play hard to get. But I could never do it.

 

Whenever a guy phones or e-mails me, I respond right away, just like I return all calls and e-mails at work ASAP, usually the same day.

 

It's just a habit and my way of staying on top of my to-do list. Doesn't mean I'm crazy about the guy or desperate or anything like that.

 

It's a good habit for work, but it has not worked for me in the dating world.

 

But I still can't help it. If a guy doesn't hear from me within 24 hours, he probably never will.

 

I guess these dating strategies just aren't for everyone.

[Caldus]

No matter how much you guys sit here and complain about how women play games, nothing is going to change.

 

So either deal with them, move on, or play hard to get yourself. It's up to you.

[MetalJoe]

or play hard to get yourself.

 

So if women are playing hard to get and blokes are playing hard to get... erm, what are we all going to be doing on Friday night? Staying indoors alone watching the TV?

[DragonGirl724]

no one said anything about lying...if anything i said i am completely honest with people, most of the time i am too honest for most people's likings! a liar, a player & a cheater are 3 things i will never be!

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

a member typed this in a forum topic about dating & why this girl seemed to lose interest right away after 2 dates:

 

"Well the main problem is that you exposed your position too soon, you put all your cards on the table and said take it or leave it. So basically you scared her away."

 

i agree completely w/ that statement & thats exactly what i meant by 'leaving a little bit to the imagination in the dating game.' (aka "the chase")

 

-DG724

[youngin]

a liar, a player & a cheater are 3 things i will never be!

 

and i thank you.

 

i agree completely w/ that statement & thats exactly what i meant by 'leaving a little bit to the imagination in the dating game.' (aka "the chase")

 

well you do have a point. but not "put[ting] all your cards on the table" and leaving a little bit to the imagination is a bit different than playing hard to get, at least by my definitions, which might not be the same as yours. earlier someone mentioned that we werent all on the same page, and they're right. Oh well

[DragonGirl724]

yea that person was me.

 

well thats how i am when it comes to dating, maybe its not considered 'hard to get' but i dont feel its healthy to lay all your cards out at once. thanks for understanding where im coming from.

 

-DG724

[MetalJoe]

No, I wouldn't say that was playing hard to get either. Of course you don't want to lay all your cards out at once - there's a time and a place for everything. For example: I really want to start a family, but I wouldn't bring up the subject on the first date!

[DragonGirl724]

i was referring to not laying all the cards down at once, like dont say 'oh i like you so much' right off the bat. kinda leave a little mystery. keep some feelings to yourself & even be a little distant...not be so eager or show how much you are infactuated by this other person.

 

-DG724

[corvidae]

DragonGirl 724, I think not 'laying your cards on the table' straight away is sensible. Perfectly sensible. You want to get to know the person better, you want to find out more about them, you want to keep a certain distance for a bit. That is not the same as 'playing hard to get'. Retaining distance is fine so long as you are open about it, and the other person knows that.

 

Playing hard to get is just that...playing. Essentially it is a game of control by toying with someone's emotions. A perfect example might be that someone leaves you a message, sends you a text perhaps, and you think to yourself "I won't respond because I want him to worry, to think maybe I'm not interested, I'll only respond after he's sent another two messages, that way he'll think he's not very important." Let's have another analogy shall we? I like analogies. Remember maybe when you were a kid, and another kid had something you wanted, like, I dunno, a computer game or something, that you really wanted to play with. OK, so the kid says "how MUCH do you want to play with this game?" and you said " A lot" So they say "To play with this, would you bark like a dog? Would you eat an earthworm?" And they see what you'll do. Because they hold the thing you want, and they want to see how far they can push you, what you're willing to do. It is pleasure in the misfortune of others, yes? That's what a lot of women do to men. They say "you can have me, but you have to call me ten times first". You have to PROVE how much you want me. You have to CHASE me. And what a lot of women don't understand is that relationships are hard enough without these games. If women understood the courage it takes the average man to approach a woman to start with, they would have more respect for men, and not make things any harder.

 

Making someone 'work' for you is wrong for two main reasons. Firstly it goes against the nature of relationships which are about sharing. If a man and woman are together because the man bent over backwards and made all the effort for the woman, this is probably not going to work out. Because once in the relationship he's going to resent that, and he won't put up with games anymore. Secondly, women playing these games are going to miss out on a lot of good-looking, attractive and intelligent men who, at the first sign of the woman playing hard to get, will say 'screw you' and walk away, because they have self-respect.

[DragonGirl724]

well then i guess i dont play hard to get like i kinda thought i did.

 

well whatever im doin it seems to be working out just fine. lol

 

thanks for clearing that up.

 

-DG724

[youngin]

corvidae, how'd you get so good at explaining stuff?

[ShySoul]

Amen corvidae, couldn't have explained it better myself.

 

I will say that not revealing your hand right away is smart. But dating is like poker. If you play it close to the vest you won't get far. If you truly want to win then eventually you'll need to go "all in."

[flutterby]

Wow!! I havent checked this post for a few days now and was surprised to find so many replies. After catching up on them the last couple of pages have made me wonder if I should have worded my post a bit differently and actually said, Am I exposing myself too soon by returning calls right away and being available for a guy? I also believe that I have been guilty of putting all the cards on the table too soon, but am not really sure of what it is that I shouldnt be saying or doing. I know that if I mention relationship it usually sends a guy into a panic, but other than that could someone please tell me what these cards are that I am supposed to be holding onto and for how long? Thanks for all of the replies on this, yall are great!!!