I am so hurt...and keep obsessing about him.

[Charlotte12]

Well a few days ago I posted another thread about my situation... you can read it if you want. To sum things up, my ex boyfriend broke up with me after six years together. He left me without the opportunity to work things out (we were not having issues at that time) a month and a half later he came by to bring my stuff (I had a bunch of stuff at his house) we kissed...he cried...it was hard. He seemed in love. He said he wanted to be alone. Unfortunately a week later I found out through fb that he was hooking up with another woman (the woman posted a picture on his wall) I was not only deceived because of all the lies and "I love you but I need to be alone right now" "Maybe we will be together again, if we have to be together, it will happen", "You are never going to lose me", "I am going to miss you" (And I have a long list to keep going but I dont want to bother you This new person in his life is a woman he has known for a month or so, and he let her post a picture of them together...he let this person that he hardly knows post a picture (until this day he didnt delete my pictures with him, hypocrite much?)

The thing is that I can't seem to understand why he did this to me. Why did he lie, why was he so coward no to tell me the truth? Why do I still miss him even though I know he doesn't want me in his life and I certainly know he doesn't deserve to be in my life? I am a lot stronger and I came to realize I am not guilty...he decided to chose to run away from the relationship, not me. He decided to lie to me, not me. Even though I asked him a lot of times... (I swear I asked him if there was anyone else and he never admitted it!) Well, adding to all this... nobody could believe it! My friends, his family... nobody can't understand why he did what he did.

I keep on expecting for an apology that may never happen...I keep hoping he could realize what he has done...I know it doesn't change a thing but it

Thank you for letting me vent my feelings. It helps.

Does anyone feel the way I do? Can't let go of someone you love but you know they don't love you...can't stop obsessing about the bad things that happened...

[panther]

Dear Charlotte12, I am very sorry about all this. I read your previous thread but did not reply to it back then.

Even now I am not sure what I can say that would perhaps help you.

 

My best friend went through a very similar situation. 7 year relationship and at some point he began do draw away slowly. He did eventually leave her for another woman (with whom I think he still is together).

Just like your boyfriend, he never ever ever ever admitted that he was already involved with this other woman, he never ever admitted he was with this woman, EVEN after the breakup, although anyone can see on FB pictures of them together and they never hid their relationship.

When I start do see a pattern of behaviour where some men do this (although I don't know if this "not admitting" behaviour is more typical in men), I start being a bit concerned thinking if many men (or women) may be like this. And I also very much wish to understand why.

 

Things like this - one being in a relationship and then falling in love with someone else - can happen to almost anyone. And I think, usually between the two relationships, there is an overlapping time - when he or she did not leave the first partner and already is involved with the second.

 

What I want to say is, it sucks! But you are not the first one going through something like this.

 

Charlotte, I don't know what will happen next, if he will ever try to get back to you. But I promise that one day this will go away. It was six years, so it might take a while.

You will want to talk about all this many times, and you should. I hope your friends are helping you going through this and listening to you when you are sad. Anyway, to ENA you can always come.

 

After one year (and one year goes by sooo fast ), my best friend finally healed and let someone new into her life.

 

Hope any of this makes sense to you.

[bw92116]

The obsessive thoughts are driven by your subconscious mind trying to process it. I find it kind of futile to fight the tide of obsessive thoughts. I've found it better to just let them flow in then out, like a stream, but don't dam them up and focus on them, that just gives them more power. Let them out as quickly as they come in. Purposely focus your mind on things unrelated to that, so there is little mental energy left for them. The obsessive phase goes away once your subconscious mind has processed it all out. The book "Obsessive Love" by Dr. Susan Forward was helpful to me and might be to you.

[milkycoffee7]

Hi Charlotte,

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this,I am in this situation myself and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else!

 

Bw92116 is exactly right. And this is what my therapist has told me,who I had to resort to seeing before it completely broke me!

Aslong as you hurt,your mind will try tirelessly to process why this happened and try to find some logical reason so that it stops. It may also manifest in dreams.

 

In my case, my ex wanted the best of both worlds. He wanted a convenient stable relationship with a work colleague which he kept from me while we were working on us long distance and talking all the time. Unbelievable lies. Going on holiday with this person and saying it was a stag holiday. Visiting family 5 mins from where I lived repeatedly and never even letting me know because he had brought her home too. Until the point she moved into his place and then it all came out.

 

But sometimes there is no logic to it. Feelings are feelings and sometimes that's the way they are and that's all the reasoning u get. Doesn't stop u thinking about all the details over and over 50 times a day but one day I hope u just become done with how much energy it takes up xx

[dearwriter]

Love will always make you do stupid things.

 

You cannot control your destiny. For me it was the best decision you ever made in your life. He let you go because he knew he is not ENOUGH and will never be enough for you. He is stupid and for sure you are not a gullible as well,right? Move on and live a happy life. There are so many men out there you know. You are not an old hag to spend your whole time imagining unimportant stuff. GO OUT and HAVE FUN!

[Charlotte12]

Hi! First of all, it really does make sense, thank you!!! thank you for taking the time to answer. It is so helpful to read different opinions.

I know you can fall in love with someone else...but the lying part is the thing I don't get. The part where I standed right before his eyes many times, asking him if there was someone else and not only did he deny it but he also said he wanted to be alone and he was not planning on being with anyone. Of course it is very hurtful to find out your loved one is in love with someone else...but the thing that you want to hide it...and keep saying "I love you" and we even kissed ! Oh my god...I can't even believe it myself. This person humilliated me. He may have not told her to post the picture of course but he didn't delete it. Instead, he chose to delete me from FB. Of course I found out right away...because he deleted me. And because we have sixty people in common too hehe...

Well anyway...enough with me venting.... I am sorry about your friend...it is very hurtful to be deceived by someone you love. And it gets worse when you see they don't even show remorse. I send you virtual hugs and thank you very much for your words

[Charlotte12]

The obsessive thoughts are driven by your subconscious mind trying to process it. I find it kind of futile to fight the tide of obsessive thoughts. I've found it better to just let them flow in then out, like a stream, but don't dam them up and focus on them, that just gives them more power. Let them out as quickly as they come in. Purposely focus your mind on things unrelated to that, so there is little mental energy left for them. The obsessive phase goes away once your subconscious mind has processed it all out. The book "Obsessive Love" by Dr. Susan Forward was helpful to me and might be to you.

 

Thank you for your words bw92116! I am going to try to read that book. And I came here trying to take all the pain out. Thank you for letting me now it is normal to be thinking about it so much...it worries me. Luckily I have many things to take care of but I still wake up with this overwhelming thoughts every day. My friends really help but it is so much better to talk with someone (or many!) who experienced the same thing.

[Charlotte12]

You really get me milkycoffee7! It is exactly what I am going through...I am trying to make sense all the time. Everything happened really fast. He seemed weird just a month or 20 days before leaving me. So I really didn't have time to experience him "drifting away" or something like that. The unbelievable lies...oh my god... exactly what happened. If I hadn't seen the picture, I wouldn't have found out because he kept denying it. I am just trying to understand why would he lie if he didn't want me anymore? Is it just that he wanted the opportunity to come back if he wanted...is it just that he is a coward, is it just he doesn't care...?

[Charlotte12]

You cannot control your destiny. For me it was the best decision you ever made in your life. He let you go because he knew he is not ENOUGH and will never be enough for you. He is stupid and for sure you are not a gullible as well,right? Move on and live a happy life. There are so many men out there you know. You are not an old hag to spend your whole time imagining unimportant stuff. GO OUT and HAVE FUN!

 

Thank you sweetie...I really feel worthless half of the time. The other half I think he really didn't deserve me. I am torn. We had a very good relationship and I am a very honest person. I am not a saint of course, but if I fell in love with someone else, or if I wanted to experience the single life, I wouldn't lie to the person that was by my side for six years. I know there are many men...but I am kind of dissapointed at them right now. He was very good to me, and everyone believed he would never lie to me like he did. His family is even dissapointed at his attitude. So I am kind of afraid...if you have a good relationship and it falls apart like this, and this person doesn't even care about me...what can I expect from other men? I know I eventually will think another way. I'm just hurt.

[SooSad33]

Yes, that's the fear instilled, which shows damage done, Charlotte.

I felt totally lost & confused. I felt like nothing. I felt so ticked off when I learned he was lying right to me over & over.

It really can be damaging to one's self esteem and makes us afraid of a lot.

 

But, in time this is what WE have to deal with. Apparently, it's something we're going to have to face again, sometime in our Life, which makes it more challenging emotionally & mentally.

 

What these 'men' have done- though I'm sure are totally clueless is they've ruined a part of us for their own 'selfishness' they have hurt us so deeply.. they have NO idea!

 

Yes, my ex said he still loved me.. etc etc. too. Well, if he really did love me, then why the lying & cheating?

I think they do this because they are wanting both- to have their cake & eat it too!

To be able to have on on the backburner in case the other may not work out?

 

Also could be the fact, they do still hold a piece of us with them... but they have now faltered and have messed it all up.

Hurting us and they could be 'trying' to put a little bandaid on the hurts, they've caused.

 

But- they are so clueless. They can NOT have us and someone else like this! It's wrong!

 

In ways, yes, it shows like we're being treated like dirt and this is what they've done to us.. all because THEY could NOT be honest with us and instead acted out like an 18 yr old! And do it properly.

 

All in all, they are the one's who are messed up! they are the one's who've lost a 'good thing', of someone who loved them!

They are at a loss really... as are we.

 

Hardest part of this is working on 'accepting' what has happened. And healing over it.. which takes a good while to do.

But, never give up.

I know you've got a million things going thru your mind. I know you so heartbroken... in denial..angry..confused..lonely, etc.

That comes with the flow- of a 'loss'.

 

One day at a time is all we can do face this and deal with it. It stings.. I know.

 

Start doing things for YOU now. Go have a hot bath, get yourself a treat.. and maybe start a journal of ALL it is you want to say to him.. your thoughts.. feelings, etc. I did that for a few months. Filled up 2 booklets.

 

Your brain will find a way to work it all out. Right now though, you're full of pain etc.

 

It's hard.. i know

 

tc

[Charlotte12]

Dear panther...I was thinking about something that has been haunting me. He never said "I am sorry" has your friend had the chance to hear him say he was sorry?

[Charlotte12]

You cannot control your destiny. For me it was the best decision you ever made in your life. He let you go because he knew he is not ENOUGH and will never be enough for you. He is stupid and for sure you are not a gullible as well,right? Move on and live a happy life. There are so many men out there you know. You are not an old hag to spend your whole time imagining unimportant stuff. GO OUT and HAVE FUN!

 

Do you think? I didnt really have a choice. He left me. I had to cut contact after I found out he was with another woman and lying about it.

[Charlotte12]

Your words are so helpful!!!! You have no idea. Thank you! I believe everything happens for a reason...even though I don't know it yet. I still don't understand what happened. Why do we have to be deceived by those we love the most? But there must be something we need to learn from this...and something they may have to learn as well. I really hope one day he will realize what he lost...what he threw away on a whim.

[panther]

Dear panther...I was thinking about something that has been haunting me. He never said "I am sorry" has your friend had the chance to hear him say he was sorry?

 

I don't think so.

 

They eventually stopped talking, although he would write her for her birthday and also in other occasions, for example to congratulate her when he heard she finished her Master degree. But she always replied to him saying he should never contact her again. Yet he would now and then, even against her will.

 

Don't know his intentions behind these actions but he never said "I am sorry", maybe he would have if she had not chased him away every time he contacted her.

[milkycoffee7]

SooSad33, I have read a lot of your posts before. How are you getting on? Do you feel over your ex now? X

[Charlotte12]

I don't think so.

 

They eventually stopped talking, although he would write her for her birthday and also in other occasions, for example to congratulate her when he heard she finished her Master degree. But she always replied to him saying he should never contact her again. Yet he would now and then, even against her will.

 

Don't know his intentions behind these actions but he never said "I am sorry", maybe he would have if she had not chased him away every time he contacted her.

 

Yeah...that's what is killing me inside. He didn't attempt to contact me even once. He didn't show remorse at all. At least your friend got the chance to see that at least he was trying to communicate with her.

[panther]

It is all still very recent and you had a long relationship and I think he cares for you even if he went for someone else.

It might be he will try to talk to you somewhere in the future. Although, maybe it is best for you if he doesn't, so you can get over this without getting disturbed in the middle of the process.

[milkycoffee7]

If u go completely NC, I would almost definitely say he will contact u further down the line. To apologise for how things happened or to at least see how things are going. Right now, he is obviously attracted to someone else and those feelings are coming first. I don't know when he does contact u he will say anything more than just chitchat trying to be friends though which is why when it happens u have to be prepared and have started healing xx

[Charlotte12]

It is all still very recent and you had a long relationship and I think he cares for you even if he went for someone else.

It might be he will try to talk to you somewhere in the future. Although, maybe it is best for you if he doesn't, so you can get over this without getting disturbed in the middle of the process.

 

Yes...it is very recent. But it all happened so fast...I don't know how he can be in love and he was saying "I love you" when we were breaking up. I know it's just me...I haven't healed properly yet but...How can you care about someone and still throw it all away for someone you hardly know?

[Charlotte12]

If u go completely NC, I would almost definitely say he will contact u further down the line. To apologise for how things happened or to at least see how things are going. Right now, he is obviously attracted to someone else and those feelings are coming first. I don't know when he does contact u he will say anything more than just chitchat trying to be friends though which is why when it happens u have to be prepared and have started healing xx

 

Yeah, I went completely NC after seeing the picture. This was almost a month ago...so I am still very angry and obsessing about it a lot. I think you can't expect everybody to act the same way but when you have a good relationship and connection with someone...and you share a lot of memories...you love them deeply...I don't know how you can throw it all away for someone you have just met. Someone who knew you were having doubts about your relationship and didn't let you grieve...she posted a picture on purpose because he had a lot of pictures with me. I know I shouldn't think about what she did...but that's nasty! If you really love someone you don't get into their lives like that. At least I think and I practice that...I would never get into a relationship on purpose. I would never post a picture so that the ex girlfriend would feel bad about his new relationship...

[milkycoffee7]

I mean you don't know what he's told her hun so i would try not to focus too much on what she is doing/posting, she might think it was completely mutual between you too or that you are over it etc.

 

I completely agree with you. I'm still obsessing over everything that kicked off with my ex in August last year because i have continued to think that he loves me and he had continued to send me messages every couple of weeks. I knew this person for 15 years and i don't understand why he did what he did! He was in a serious relationship with someone else and lied about it as i was 2 hours away. And then it was it doesnt work with us and you need to find a new life! He has admitted finally that he loves her and they have a life and a home together. Which obv i now know he cant love me anymore. And yet for their whole relationship he was talking to me still and telling me it was just us and lots of sexual stuff, most of which was so bad that if she knew any of it they wouldnt be together now. And he has pretty much begged me not to tell her coz it would ruin her life. So i am dealing with being incredibly resentful of how he has treated me and i basically think about telling her all the time, but then still loving someone who once loved me in the most intense way that it is taking therapy to get over him.

 

Sorry for the hi-jack of your post, i just mean that you're not alone in dealing with heartache

[Charlotte12]

Oh don't be sorry, you have no idea how much it helps to talk about this!!

 

Well...unfortunately I know for a fact the woman knew me. She is a coworker. Of course I have no idea what he told her but I know for a fact she knew he was with and that he had just broken up with me. That's very manipulative of her...but again, my anger is towards him for letting her do it. And for running away into a new woman after a month and a half.

 

On the other side, I am so sorry about what this man put you through!! I can't believe how someone who has been in your life for so long can do things like my ex and yours did. I can't believe he asked you to not tell her! What an (I am sorry, but he is) you know, I keep reading these stories and I can't believe how they do it. I can't believe how they have the guts to play this games around...I don't know if you believe in karma, but I really do. I believe you can't go around life hurting people and not receiving any punishment for it. I don't mean to be resentful, but unfortunately I am a little bit...we have been awfully hurt, and we don't deserve it!!!!!!!!!

[milkycoffee7]

Oh yes not to tell her and that he 'could never be with someone who could do that'. Unbelievable!!! Since I knew him from school I can only deduce he has grown into some kind of sexual deviant. I hope there is such thing as karma as at the moment he is living a very happy life with her and will probably end up skipping off into the subset hand in hand coz I don't know if I could ruin someone's life by telling her so it is just me that suffers.

 

Its all crazy. I just think that once they have an argument or something,ur ex will prob text so if it gets u through the hard time now just keep thinking smugly and then once he does u will hopefully be over it! How have u been spending ur time to not think about it?x

[ParisPaulette]

Unfortunately many times people who are somewhat fear-based in their emotions and reactions don't want to be the bad guy. So they lie to you, they lie to themselves, they lie to everyone else. Is it stupid? Of course. Are they going to get found out? Of course. But the pain of having to show you what they really are like is just too great, so they lie and insist on their version of the "truth" to make them feel better about their own actions.

 

His lying to you wasn't anything to do with you. He felt like a rat, he knew he wasn't being honest, he can't be honest. This is not someone who is emotionally mature and healthy. He will quite possibly repeat this pattern with the new girl somewhere down the line. In the end all you can do is decide you deserve better, stay NC and heal. He couldn't be honest, but you can. That means you're already miles above and beyond him. Caution: he may well contact you at some point trying to get you to accept his apologies and talk to him, so he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. Remember again, this is him trying to make himself feel better. You'd be wise to stay NC and let him stew in his own whatever. Don't take an apology, should you get one, as a sign he wants to come back to you. Because that level of cowardice doesn't usually come from someone who's really good relationship material in the first place.

 

The boy has some growing up to do. In the meantime you heal, get on with your life, find other people who are honest now and are not afraid to be so.

[Charlotte12]

Oh yes not to tell her and that he 'could never be with someone who could do that'. Unbelievable!!! Since I knew him from school I can only deduce he has grown into some kind of sexual deviant. I hope there is such thing as karma as at the moment he is living a very happy life with her and will probably end up skipping off into the subset hand in hand coz I don't know if I could ruin someone's life by telling her so it is just me that suffers.

 

Its all crazy. I just think that once they have an argument or something,ur ex will prob text so if it gets u through the hard time now just keep thinking smugly and then once he does u will hopefully be over it! How have u been spending ur time to not think about it?x

 

 

Yes, I completely understand you... well, I have known this man for a few years...we have been through a lot together...he was a good man to me, he took care of me, helped me in a lot of ways...I trusted him more than anyone in my life. I considered him my family. As I was telling you, he showed me love all this years and he was very caring with me so I never expected this. In all this time, he never appeared to be like this. I am really hurt...the sad thing is, I wished I could still have him in my life, at least as a friend...I wish I didn't have to think this horrible memory of him, it's like he erased everything good I thought of him. Maybe that's why I am kind of waiting for a "sorry"...maybe I still hope deep in my heart that I could be not so easily forgotten...but well...that's kind of stupid, isn't it? He betrayed me, he has no interest in me, he decided to be with a woman he hardly knows, and on top of everything he didn't apologise...am I crazy? Why do I still wait things from him?

 

 

 

Well to be honest, I have been taking a lot of care of myself lately. I was in a very bad place the past year and a half. I started having panic attacks and therefore my life started to change and change over time. I was a very independent person and one day I couldn't get out of the house alone anymore. I was afraid of being alone all the time. I started to make some changes and do some things but my problem was still there. It was when he left me that I realized I couldn't be this way anymore. I had to recover myself. I got back into therapy, went to see a psychiatrist, starting taking medication, went to the gym...all this was the best thing I decided. I managed to get a lot better in just a few months and now I am starting to go out on my own again...it feels amazing. So everything wasn't negative about this...I got to change things in me, and I kind of became stronger. At least...a little bit stronger. As I tell you, I feel much better because all the work I have done with myself...I go out with friends, I work from my house, I do everything I can to keep anxiety in control. But this issue is still affecting me... I miss him. I miss the relationship I had with him. I feel worthless (when I think of him) I think he didn't value me enough to keep me in his life.