Completely Confused.... But "Happily" Maintaing NC... Thoughts On Approach?

[autumnsun]

So, I have browsed these forums awhile back when I broke up with my last ex-boyfriend (2010) and was needing reassurance, guidance, etc, etc, but never posted because - although I was searching for ways to get back together - I knew deep down that the relationship was no good and didn't wish to waste anyone's time (he was emotionally/mentally abusive, cheating, an all-around not good person).

 

But, fast forward now and I think I need some insights from people who are in the same boat or have gone through the same boatride.

 

My most recent ex boyfriend and I split on Sunday. I know we are not far into this at all, and I know I have no desire to contact him anytime soon, but I still remain confused. My ex and I dated for 8 months with an age gap between us (5.5 years). At first, the relationship was wonderful. We share similar interests, have enough opposites to keep things interesting, enjoyed each other's families and generally got along very well. I don't know why, but around mid-February we started having small issues, communication started to degrade and we found ourselves in a bad cycle of fights, stress and disagreement over thee tiniest, most insignificant things -- things we had no reason to fight about, and in retrospect, should not have been at all. During this time, we also went through a cycle of saying we wanted to end things, only to "try it one more time", all the while letting resentment, anger and emotional exhaustion build. It also started to negatively impact our intimate life and that, too, eventually died off... We still remained physically affectionate, slept in the same bed together, but it never went any further, only adding to the stress. We would still enjoy each other's company and time together, but the fights continued and the resentment built, creating chips and cracks in our otherwise wonderful bond. This past weekend ended with us breaking up because of a massive fight we had had the weekend before. I did the normal begging, pleading and asking for one more chance, saying we would regret this and asking why this was the fight to end our fights. He wouldn't budge this time. He told me he was emotionally exhausted, didn't have anything more to give and was losing his desire to be around me. I understood where he was coming from when he said he was unhappy and stressed and agreed, even if I didn't think it should end the relationship. He told me he needed time to decompress and we needed time apart to take a breather. I asked if he thought there was any chance if we gave it time. He said he wanted a few months away from one another and then wanted to see what could happen, but he didn't know how he would feel about things when the time came.

 

I thought about things all Sunday night and finally decided that it was silly to try to keep someone in something he didn't want to be in, that all I was doing was hurting both of us and if we loved and respected one another like we said we did, I had to let him go to do his thing. We talked briefly on the phone, I apologized about taking so long to come to an agreement about it, that I wanted to let us have time to push the reset button and maybe, if we both felt it was right, we could try things again at a much slower pace in a few months. He seemed to be relieved with this conclusion and we hung up, agreeing that we would take a few months. I left the ball in his court, basically, and am not pursuing the idea of contacting him anytime soon.

 

I also know that a lot of our problems could be stemming from his lack of experience/age. He's in his early 20's and has only had two relationships -- one in HS and one very brief relationship in college -- whereas I am older and have done casual dating as well as long term relationships. I also know that I still harbor a lot of insecurities from my 2010 relationship, where for two years, I was broken down over time and led to believe that I was worthless, unattractive and basically unlovable. I have decided to start seeing a therapist again, as well as building my own confidence up and attacking MY issues that I know I can control. I know a lot of personal growth has to happen here because I can - without romanticizing/taking all the blame - recognize my role in all of this and what I did to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship in its current form.

 

I guess my question is, besides doing my own growing, do I wait and see if I feel like contacting him in a month or two? Do I let the dust settle and reach out to see if we even enjoy still being around one another? Or should I look at this as a completely hopeless situation? I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic.... simply because nothing bad really happened.... no lying, no cheating, no being villainous, no disrespect... but I'm not sure everyone agrees that it is a good idea? I know I am rambling, but I guess I am looking for people's opinions. I know the kind of person he is and know that he's not the type to run out and meet someone new, or jump into a new relationship, so I'm not worried about being apart as much as others may be (even though I know it could happen, I know it is unlikely). I feel a little bit lost and don't know how to look at this situation. I, of course, would like to reconnect and fix things, but I don't know what an outsider's point of view is on this?

 

Help, please.

[BigKK]

Doesn't sound like you two are compatible...I don't think you wait around for him. You move on with your life and forget about him. Nothing severe has to happen to end a relationship, sometimes two people together don't work, and you two didn't work.

 

 

Be single, work on your insecurities, and go from there. Cut off contact with him. Do all this growing for you and not for him to hopefully get back together because as soon as he tells you in a few months, then you will be crushed again. The joke is he may never tell you it's over and if you just sit and wait on the sidelines you won't go anywhere while he slowly forgets about you.

[autumnsun]

Doesn't sound like you two are compatible...I don't think you wait around for him. You move on with your life and forget about him. Nothing severe has to happen to end a relationship, sometimes two people together don't work, and you two didn't work.

 

 

Be single, work on your insecurities, and go from there. Cut off contact with him. Do all this growing for you and not for him to hopefully get back together because as soon as he tells you in a few months, then you will be crushed again. The joke is he may never tell you it's over and if you just sit and wait on the sidelines you won't go anywhere while he slowly forgets about you.

 

 

I appreciate the response, however I don't completely agree with you.... and I'm not trying to argue as somebody who is trying to cling on to false hope. I AM planning on improving myself and not waiting about on the sidelines; I want to live my life and I want to improve me, so no matter what happens, I'm on a path towards good stuff. I said that in my post. I'm not looking at this with rose colored glasses, but I also don't want to take the extreme other side of the spectrum, either.

 

I don't think incompatability is the big issue; we got along tremendously well and I don't know if fighting and bad communication necessarily screams incompatible, you shouldn't try again, etc. I am trying to approach this as a time of growth. He's asked for space and a bit of a breather, so should I really automatically take the most negative approach, think nothing could ever happen because of our current situation and not ever contact him or respond when he contacts me?

[Yeslekym]

My advice is to not overthink things right now. In a while down the road if you two are more compatible, so be it. If not, so be it. You currently need to focus on yourself. You are single and there is no more perfect of a time to do some self improvement and just focus on your own needs instead of someone else's. Things will play out how they are meant to. You two are currently incompatible and you both have accepted that. If you both work on yourselves and are still incompatible, there are many more fish in the sea. If you are compatible, then see how things play out then. But you really deserve to feel secure and worthy in yourself outside of a relationship! Your ex CANNOT have this much control over you after 4 years. You are NOT worthless and you ARE beautiful and worthy of love and before you get into a relationship again MAKE SURE you are secure in yourself. Trust me, if two people are secure before a relationship that makes the relationship more secure!

[autumnsun]

Thank you. I'm really trying not to overthink things, but this soon after the end of something, that's almost impossible isn't it? Silly human mind and emotions!

 

We had a great relationship for the most part, hence the confusion and reaching out for opinions. I know the little things that need to be fixed, most of which doesn't really require a whole lot of effort.... I am trying to get onboard with the idea of space being a good thing. I know it at least can't do any harm, so I'm trying to be positive about the good it could potentially do. I really love this ex and I know we could be fantastic together. I know some people get to a point where they're at the end of their rope and can never again climb back up to try it again, but I am remaining cautiously optimistic. We both said to each other how disappointed and upset we were, and that we wanted nothing more than for things to work out between us.... false hope to keep thinking about those emotions, but it's hard not to.

 

I think you're exactly right re: my other ex. The damage he did was so deep and so long-lasting... I had gone to see a therapist for quite some time after the relationship ended, getting to the root of a lot of issues and really starting to feel better. I spent a good two years as a single girl because i knew I needed it, but sometimes.... the things he did still nag and I still wonder how anyone could think any differently than he did. I don't like to be dramatic about it, but what he did was horrible. Looking back, I'm shocked I stayed so long, as no one should ever want to stay with someone like that.

[Yeslekym]

Sometimes breaks are beneficial to relationships. It all depends on the parties involved and you both seem to have mutually agreed that it's beneficial at the moment for you two. Breaks don't always have to be bad things and as long as the both of you can maintain this attitude, it will be beneficial. There's also nothing wrong with every once in awhile just checking in with each other, texting briefly discussing things as friends. As for your previous relationship: abusive relationships can take a lasting toll on people. It is completely normal for you to still be feeling all of this insecurity but on the other hand you really don't have to feel it. You're with someone who for the most part is compatible with you and seems to be healthily trying to work on your relationship. Don't dwell on your past relationship as that is where it belongs. Don't blame yourself for staying with your abuser as you were in love with him and love makes us justify even the worst of actions. You are out of that abuse and that is what matters. Focus on yourself and don't completely give up on this current relationship but also don't put so much faith in it working. Try and remain neutral and worry about yourself. Everything else should fall into place.

[autumnsun]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm going to heed your advice.

 

I know for all of us going through a break up, when there is a little bit of hope, it is so hard to figure out whether to be happy of it or fearful. I have that terrible feeling in my stomach right now, and I almost err on the side of negativity to protect my heart... telling myself over and over again that it can't/won't happen... and then I realize that that mindset is just as destructive as people who are overly optimistic when there is no real hope. I think if there was love there once, and nothing major really happened to break the trust, it can be found again.

 

We did go through a bit of a rough patch, especially these last 2-3 weeks, and it is hard to try to not give up totally when you've heard someone say things out of frustration/sadness/anger... but I am choosing to try to remain a little hopeful. We went through so much stress the last few months that I think our emotional tanks are both empty at the moment. I'm hoping that a little time and self-reflection, as well as really working on myself, will put us back on the right track. I guess it's hard to stay hopeful though and I am going through one of those tough days where you think everything is impossible. *sigh* ... such a tough position for anyone to be involved in!

[Yeslekym]

I think we all do this. We tell ourselves that it won't ever work out so then when it doesn't, we save ourselves the disappointment. Or if were too hopeful and it happens to not work out, we absolutely crush ourselves so to save ourselves that pain we torture ourselves with negativity until we get our answer. Neither of these is healthy- especially the constant negativity. When we are constantly negative, our subconscious remembers every little negative word and this only feeds our insecurities more. It is best to remind ourselves that remaining neutral is best. If you are religious, tell yourself that fate is in gods hands and the best thing you can do is entrust in The Lord to get you through. If you happen to be atheist/agnostic, tell yourself that remaining neutral is the best for yourself and your emotions as well as your security in self. Tell yourself that whatever happens, happens, and whatever that may be will be the best thing. If you both decide not to get back together, there's a reason for that and be satisfied with it, if you decide to get back together, there's a reason for that and be satisfied with it. Trust yourself and your intuition and believe in yourself. It is a tough position but, no matter what you believe in, you should at least believe that things will work themselves out.

[Charlotte12]

Oh I really agree with you...it is very hard to lose hope when the relationship was good for the most part! I have been thinking the same as you do since he broke up with me.

[orrinkrell]

I agree with Yeslekym. Take this opportunity to really work on yourself. Make your life better. Take note of the negative things that were in the way of your relationship and do away with them. Sometimes it's a hard thing to do. There are going to be days when you feel great about it all and days when you doubt everything. I think you know that though! As far as moving on or giving up goes, if you truly love someone and truly believe that things can be healthy and wonderful...never give up. Just be mindful of situation.

 

Honestly, I think once things calm down, he'll come around

[autumnsun]

Yeslekym, I completely agree with you. I know one of the bad things about myself is i tend to always err on the negative side of things, often - as you said - to save from disappointment. I think in our situation when the negativity started, it was my doing at first. He was more into me in the beginning of the relationship and I often questioned what he told me because I was nervous about our age difference. The closer I get to 29, and him fresh out of college, I always thought... "what would possibly happen for us? how could he want the same things?" and I often vocalized that doubt to him, which I know drove him crazy. Instead of being positive and listening to him, I let my own fears and insecurities get in the way. Who was I to question what he was saying when he has never given me a reason to doubt anything he says or does. It was the first frustration for us and it shows me that my negativity was a big issue, as well as insecurity. I also made silly little comments (another effort to protect myself/not get too invested) about future things with, "If we're still together in x months...." Drove. Him. Nuts. I'm sure it also hurt him deeply, as well. I know in this time apart I really have to work on that aspect of removing doubt, fear and negativity from my mind; if I don't, I know this is going to continue to happen over and over and over.... As you said, whatever will be, will be. I am trying to take this time to listen to myself and start rebuilding my confidence. I know if we're to work at all, I have to have better footing and not continually allow my last relationship of abuse to continue to impact this one.

I'm trying to keep the faith right now, but only time will tell what happens.

[autumnsun]

Charlotte -- Good luck with your situation! Do you have a thread up about your story? I'd be interested to read. It is very hard to lose hope, especially when the relationship was good and you can see the (relatively) easy fixes. I believe that when trust isn't broken, and no one has cheated or lied or disrespected (and hasn't left for someone else), that the bigger the hope. I am trying to take this period away to release all my fears and tension and remember the good stuff, while also examining the bad and trying to make a game plan to make myself better for whoever is in my future. I think, no matter what, it will get better for all of us. I feel very fortunate after reading some stories here and knowing mine wasn't as hurtful as some have had to go through.

[autumnsun]

I agree with Yeslekym. Take this opportunity to really work on yourself. Make your life better. Take note of the negative things that were in the way of your relationship and do away with them. Sometimes it's a hard thing to do. There are going to be days when you feel great about it all and days when you doubt everything. I think you know that though! As far as moving on or giving up goes, if you truly love someone and truly believe that things can be healthy and wonderful...never give up. Just be mindful of situation.

 

Honestly, I think once things calm down, he'll come around

 

 

Thank you! Your last line has given me a lot of good feelings on a tough morning, so I appreciate that tremendously.

 

I think I still have anger with myself and that us what has made this first week the toughest. When we began having issues at first, in late February, he came to me and told me he thought we needed a break, that even though it was hard for me to believe he did want things to work, he loved me tremendously and didn't want to keep hurting me. Almost like a petulant child, I refused and we continued on with him giving me what I asked for and 'needed.' I know it is pointless, but looking back on that now, I wish I had more clarity of mind to agree to it.

 

It has also been toughest because, as I'm sure you are aware of in any break up, there were some pretty harsh/negative things at the end when I was pushing and begging for him not to leave. He told me he was over us and over me and he didn't see me as more than a friend. I kept pushing and asked if it would bother him if I was with another person, because it would kill me if he was with another girl and he simply shrugged his shoulders. I know painful, hurtful things happen during an emotionally charged breakup, and that not all of them are true, but it's hard to get past that stuff when you're trying to heal. I keep dwelling on the negative instead of believing in what I know: that he really does love me and he tried so hard...

 

Like you said, I am going to use this time to work on myself. I know I need to build my confidence and I know all of the silly little things I used to do that would have helped in pushing him away -- maybe too hopeful, but I believe those things can be remedied and the feelings can come back. We went through so many ups and downs that I am trying to see this space as beneficial, like you and Yeslekym have pointed out. It's so hard to keep the faith, but I know it has to be done. I want to get back to the person I was when we first met, and leave all the doubts and insecurities behind as well. Obviously I don't know what will happen, but I'm trying to stay hopeful.