A Virgo Man's Journal - Healing & Growing Up. (comments very much appreciated!)

[zyketti]

Went out to karaoke Friday, met some stellar people. Had a great time, but unfortunately, the karaoke bar we went to was the place that I threw a surprise birthday party for my ex. Great times, she got absolutely hammered (for the first time in her life) and made unforgettable memories with me and her closest friends. It was about 3-4 months after we started dating, and I was unfamiliar with her friends at the time. I called up her best friend and started planning a birthday party with her and invited all her best of friends. Seeing her happy like that and having a great time made me ridiculously content.

 

Saturday we went to a beerfest with bunch of friends, met more new people and had a ton of fun. I had two girls that kept touching me and trying to grind on me, etc, but I just can't get into it still. I would see like very very good looking girls and I would not be interested in the least bit. While I do value appearance of the opposite sex, I mostly am attracted to the person inside….

 

Today I went to church and had all you can eat with bunch of others. At church, I play the clarinet for our main choir. We have early morning practices every sunday before service, then play throughout the service. As the service ends, people start leaving the auditorium, and we continue playing as they leave. My ex knows this, and yet.. She just nonchalantly walks in the auditorium to talk to somebody, and proceeds to turn her face towards me and I can feel her staring at me. Even seeing her is painful to my heart, and I don't understand why.

 

Also I realized that I really need to stop drinking so much on the weekends. It only brings out the emotions and the loneliness the next day haha. Also need to fix my life before going out to party.

 

For anyone that will read this, I apologize for the randomness of my writing. I just write as things rush into my head and I don't really edit it.

 

Oh edit: I'm seeing a therapist next week.

[missmarple]

She just nonchalantly walks in the auditorium to talk to somebody, and proceeds to turn her face towards me and I can feel her staring at me. Even seeing her is painful to my heart, and I don't understand why.

 

Oh edit: I'm seeing a therapist next week.

 

I hope the therapist can help you. You seem to be really stuck on this girl and it's bad for you.

[zyketti]

I hope the therapist can help you. You seem to be really stuck on this girl and it's bad for you.

 

I really hope so too.. Waiting for a call back from them this week.

[zyketti]

My mom, and I are alike yet so different.

 

As she raised me, and the one parent that is very very close to me, I was like her for a very long time. To this day, mom wants her million dollar house, multiple cars, and luxury items. Until I met my recent ex, I was the same. I wanted to become a doctor to make a ton of money, to live luxurious above others, and become one of the elite class. But my ex helped me realize who I am. This breakup is making me realize who I am as a person and the kind of life I want to live. This unemployment period REALLY humbled me. I don't want to become a doctor to make a ton of money. Sure, I'd love to be comfortable, which I am sure that'll come. The gratitude you receive when you help one person fills the heart. When you give, the feeling of happiness is amplified. I felt this when I went to my mission trip to Laos. I literally cried every single day, my heart was just overwhelmed with feelings. I felt so blessed in my life, despite the personal problems that I faced. The trip, in a way really helped me heal after my 7 year relationship. But throughout the trip, all I wanted to do was; instead of teaching kids English for a week or renovating a school, I really wanted to use the gifts that God has given me in the fullest extent. I believe the gifts that He has given me is empathy, and hopefully, the skills I can use as a doctor (I have REALLY good hands). My life dream is to not only help others in my local community, but those especially in need - whether it is in Africa or Asia, or wherever. To make sure that the world is a better place, even if it's in the tiniest bit, because I lived in it.

 

I've told this to one person in my life. That was to my ex in that 8 page letter that I wrote her, which supposedly touched her heart… And it certainly feels weird to write about it in a journal for the public. I just pray to God that everything will get better soon.

[zyketti]

I haven't been here for awhile, so I thought I'd write. I think it's been about 2 months and a couple weeks since we broke up. To me, it feels like forever since I talked to her, but in hind sight, it's only been 2.5 months.

 

I am still hurting from time to time. I used to have bad days everyday, and now it's more like… bad hours, bad minutes, followed by good feelings. She's going out there - meeting new people, meeting new guys, etc. I haven't been doing the same, because I just don't have the energy to put into meeting new girls. I need to regain myself first I feel like. I need to do ME only for awhile, get a better job, and move out. I'm slowly starting to see what's in front of me..

 

Met with a mentor that I look up to last night, and made a promise with her that I'd stay single for a year (lol). I'm a guy that falls in love quite easily, so I am not sure if this promise can be kept - because if the right person comes in my life, I won't deny them just because of the promise… I do feel that I need to be single for awhile, figure out my life and the way it's going. Build a dope ass life, then get a dope ass girlfriend.

 

That being said tho, I still miss my ex like crazy. Saw her this past weekend at a BBQ that I could not miss. In a BBQ

 

All I can hope for, is a bright future. I'm travelling to LA this week, and hopefully I can think of her less and less. Recover myself. Gain confidence. Acquire wisdom.

[zyketti]

Hi everyone,

 

After 3 years of non-activity I am back on this site with my third serious breakup lol. I find myself laughing after saying that. I never came back after that last post because well, I went to LA with one of my best friends and had a great time. I was able to heal much more with time away from my hometown and with good company.

 

Then something magical happened. I wanted to be single for some time, in order to find myself and to really develop myself further. But well.... I casually starting making friendships which ended up getting close to a girl. I didn't think much of her at first, I really didn't. I thought she was cute, and well that was the end of my attraction. Couple of weeks later, we went on a trip with few of our friends and we started catching feelings for each other. We ended up dating starting in October 2014, and ended today.

 

I just want to tell people that it always gets better, as long as you work on yourself and be confident with yourself. The most recent girl that I had dated was the best out of the three serious girlfriends I've had. She was the one I was committed to. She was the one I wanted to marry. She made me extremely happy and extremely proud of being her boyfriend. I remember writing on this thread that the ex I had at the time was the best fit and was the best I could ask for. Wrong. My recent ex was better in all ways. I guess what I am trying to say is that if your relationship did not work for you, there will always be someone better.

 

I'm going to talk more about my recent breakup, updates in the last three years in the hopes that it would help more people out there. So please stay tuned.

 

Note: I've read some of my posts here, and after 3 years, my writing still sucks. I apologize haha.

[zyketti]

You're hurting exactly because, in your mind, she was the 'perfect' girlfriend...and that's what you have to work on...to get out of that state of mind.

 

Your Sagi ex (and I know you don't want to hear this) is, probably, already flirting around. Sagittarians are huge flirts.

 

Hi MissMarple,

 

I was just re-reading my journal entries and came across this comment. Your second sentence was bang on - saggittarians are huge flirts. She started dating another within weeks after we broke up.

 

I should also mention I am going through another breakup now with an even more "perfect" girlfriend haha. I am doing much better this time around though.

 

I hope you are well.

[zyketti]

Hello everyone,

 

As promised, I am writing about my recent relationship that has just ended with few updates and learnings that I had on the way. So here it goes:

 

In 2014, when I first started writing on this website, I had gone through my second breakup. At that time, I thought she was the one, and saw her with rose-tinted glasses. I put up her on the pedestal and I couldn't see anything else. For the three months after our breakup, I begged, wrote letters for her to come back. At that time, I was unemployed after completing my graduate degree, and it was a very difficult time. After weeks of lingering and mourning, I made a goal to find myself, to develop myself, and to find myself a suitable career.

 

Few months after the breakup, I got closer to a girl who became my close friend. She helped me cope through a difficult time, and it was awesome to have a person of the opposite sex who cared. Then she introduced me to her best friend, and we started hanging out as a group of 4-5. Let’s call her best friend Amelia.

 

But this wasn’t the first time I met Amelia. When we first met, I was still dating my ex and she was dating a distant friend of mine. Amelia was cute and bubbly, but I never batted an eye and felt any kind of attraction (rightfully so, since I had a SO). Amelia had broken up with her boyfriend only a few weeks after, and stayed single for over a year.

 

After my breakup, over the next few months, we hung out more as friends, and somehow started to develop feelings for each other. I was reluctant at first, thinking I needed more time to be my self, but we fit like a glove, and I couldn’t resist. On October 2014, about 6 months after my breakup, we started to date. Remember how I told you that I thought my ex was the best fit, best I could ever ask for, and one I wanted to marry? Well Amelia knocked that out of the park. Amelia became more attractive in my eyes, hardworking, independent while clingy for love, and everyone around me just loved her. We started the relationship in long-distance, as I had secured a job in a different city. This city was only 3 hour drive away though, so we made it work by both of us commuting every second weekend. And we had a great time. We were so similar in our tastes, and there were never any awkward silences. I felt like I could finally be completely myself, and I didn’t have to hide any part of me.

 

1.5 years of long-distance later, and couple of promotions, I came back to our city and we were only 10 minutes apart. Surprisingly, nothing really changed – we still felt love for each other that grew, and we were still very compatible and happy. Then we had our first hurdle.

 

Amelia was an immigrant from China on her student visa, and her visa was about to expire. Despite her professional career that she was excelling at, Amelia kept getting rejected by the government for a permanent residency. She was scared that she might get deported back to China, and lose everything she worked so hard for. We talked about options, and of course, one of the options was to get married. But knowing my parents and how notoriously difficult it is to please them in terms of my SO, I was so scared to take this next step. There were so many other reasons I was hesitant, from me wanting to further my career by getting an MBA from the States to the possibility of the government investigating our relationship since it just looked too convenient for her to get married. I’m too much of a logical person that I just couldn’t find myself to even suggest us to get married. Amelia pleaded, almost begged for us to get married. I told her I needed time to think about this.

 

This should have been the first red flag. Maybe I wasn’t 100% certain that I didn’t want to marry her. I think she saw that but did not want to admit it. And by miracle, she ended up getting nominated to receive her PR, and we were able to get over our first hurdle. But after much time for self-reflection, I decided that I wanted to take the next step, hoping that it wasn’t too late. I arranged my mom to meet Amelia, and this was the first time in 29 years of my life that I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. To my surprise, the dinner went well and my mom even liked her. This was a huge relief and an accomplishment in itself. I fell in love again.

[zyketti]

Couple of months later, her mom was visiting and we arranged for us to meet. I was led to believe throughout our relationship that it was my parents that were going to be our challenge but boy I was wrong. Her mom, despite her wanting us to marry few months earlier, strongly opposed our relationship after our dinner together. It wasn’t like our dinner went bad – she asked me to come visit her in China, she wanted me to come over dinner few days after, etc. But I don’t think I met her expectations, which was exacerbated by the fact that I left Amelia in the dark when she was having her visa issues.

 

We were having a good week, and she called me out of nowhere and told me about her parents opposing us. At the time, I felt like this happened out of nowhere. We were so happy one moment, and then few hours later, she was crying in my car telling me it’s not going to work. I was devastated, because despite my hesitancy few months ago, this was the girl that I wanted to marry. We had just started to take the right steps to do so. When I asked her what she wanted for both of us, she couldn’t tell me. She just kept crying. I gave her some time to think, and a few days later, I received clarity and closure.

 

The decision was made: Amelia just couldn’t see a future together. There were several issues:

1. She still was hurt by the fact that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me during her visa issues

2. I was looking to further my education outside of my country and even though I had reassured her that I wanted to get engaged before I had left with a strong prospect of coming back, it wasn’t enough. She felt like there would be a burden in the future for us.

3. She was ready to settle down, stable in her career, with her newfound permanent residency. Now that she has her PR, what did she need me for? And she wanted to have a family, but I wasn’t anywhere near doing these things.

4. This was all capped by her parents opposing our relationship. Her parents didn’t like my height, my job, nor family. While I never got the chance to prove my worth or really got to know them, they had still had the resentment against me.

 

Amelia is going to be the one that got away. But for some reason, I am not as hurt as I was in the past two breakups. I can’t figure out why – this was the person that I wanted to marry. Maybe I saw it in the past that it wasn’t going to work? Maybe I know better now and I know things will get better?

 

Even though I want to believe that a better person will come around (which I experienced with Amelia), I am still uncertain. In addition, pursuing this education in the States will mean my future is still uncertain, and I am scared this issue will come up again. Maybe I’ll be somewhere north of 33 years old, looking for a mate. I’m scared of the fact that it’s only getting harder to meet new people, and afraid that I won’t find another great connection again. Time will tell but only thing I can do is try my best to move forward, and be the best person I can be.

[zyketti]

Day 2 from our breakup. Still hard!!!!! Still finding it hard to not creep on her stuff. I've already made "friend dates" with a couple of girls that I know, and I think one of them just broke up from a long-term relationship as well. I have no intention of dating another person at the moment, but I think we can both help each other out. I know this is wrong to say, but filling that void might be a good thing.

 

---

 

Our relationship ended so abruptly, so quick and so fast. I know she's hurting too. Sometimes I wonder would I take her back if she came back to me? I don't think I would. I don't think I can move past what her parents said about me, and the hurt she has caused so far (even though they are monumentally small in comparison to my past breakups). I guess this is a good sign.

 

---

 

Another rant: I'm gonna make a list of things I liked and didn't like about her. And a list of why we wouldn't have worked out in the long-term. Apparently virgos love lists, and I love lists.

[zyketti]

Found out she blocked me on everything (yes I was still checking up on her)... She has never done this before with her previous ex's including the one that cheated on her. I'm pretty sad about the whole deal, just trying not think about it but it still hurts.

 

My coworker also encouraged me (or forced me) to sign up for online dating app, and it made me sadder. Not what I'm looking for at the moment.

[mines]

Welcome back! Sorry for the circumstances though. Thanks for posting your story, I'm very sorry that your relationship ended. Immigration issues are difficult and seem to only be getting tougher and seemed to be the impetus toward the downward spiral of your relationship. Add to that the family issues, ugh!

 

Wishing you the best!

[zyketti]

Welcome back! Sorry for the circumstances though. Thanks for posting your story, I'm very sorry that your relationship ended. Immigration issues are difficult and seem to only be getting tougher and seemed to be the impetus toward the downward spiral of your relationship. Add to that the family issues, ugh!

 

Wishing you the best!

 

Yes a visitor! Hello and welcome.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. Immigration issues and my hesitant answers to marry in a rush really drove this relationship to the ground. She even mentioned she wouldn't actually marry me for this reason, she just wanted to hear from me. It sucked. Perhaps that should've been a red flag alone.

 

--

 

I came across my ex on dating apps Tinder and Bumble, less than a week after our breakup. My soul was absolutely crushed into a million pieces. Her description was: "Not looking for a prince but someone to treat me like a princess." I've no idea what this means. I am not sure what to feel. I keep imaging her on dates with other dudes just flirting away and hooking up. It really hurts to even think about it. I signed up for these dating apps just so that I can see what was out there, and boost my self-confidence. Not really to actually start dating people damnit. This hurts alot.

 

 

On the other hand, I got a few matches on Tinder myself, a couple of girls that I could see myself with. But I am not sure if I am ready. I haven't even sent any of them a message yet. What should i do?

[zyketti]

Oops just wanted to continue:

 

Last night, I came to a revelation. I went out to a buddy's place to have some drinks and we were met by his fiance, big brother & his girlfriend, and my little brother. They were all there to help me out. They helped me realize a bunch of things:

 

1. I bent over backwards to do everything possible to make my ex happy. She was hungry and we were at a party? I'd take her out to go get some food. She would get angry if I neglected for 10 minutes at a wedding party. She would get upset if I couldn't take her grocery shopping weekly. It got so bad that my friends were even concerned, they just didn't say anything until now.

 

2. My ex has really strict chinese values. I mean I should've known this from the start, but we were really happy together that I don't think it ever surfaced in our discussions or I didn't actually realize it. What does this mean? It means they really wanted to marry earlier, they want a husband who will do everything to make the wife happy as the wife is #1 priority over everything by miles, and of course, someone who "treats her like a princess". I thought I did, but may be I was wrong.

 

3. My little brother didn't like her from the start haha. She just had fundamental values that was too different from mine. I didnt know this, until I gained more clarity.

 

Anyways... rant over... I'm alone tonight, and I want to ty to be comfortable being by my own.

[zyketti]

Today marks day... 9? since the breakup?

 

I don't feel lonely, I just feel the same way I always once even when I was with her. Does this mean anything? I am not sure. I've had a few matches on Tinder that I have yet acted on, and i think they are really nice girls. I am hoping to just meet up with an open mind without any expectations. Making friends would be nice too.

 

But I can't seem to shake up this feeling of wanting her back. It's a mild feeling, I am not crying over wanting her back, but I guess it would be nice if she did. It would be nice to have a conversation with her and fix this. I have a bunch of things I want to tell her, but I won't be reaching out to her any time soon.