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A Virgo Man's Journal - Healing & Growing Up. (comments very much appreciated!)


zyketti

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Hi there,

 

One of the improvements I wanted to make is to keep a journal. I was also motivated after reading Thekid55's journal from couple years ago. However, one of the problems I have is self-motivation, and by keeping a journal online with (hopefully) ample amount of interaction between readers/viewers of ENA and I, I can continue this as long as I can.

 

Background:

26 year old Asian male,

A virgo,

Two degrees: BSc and MSc

Currently unemployed

Currently heartbroken

Supportive, although very critical family

Very loyal group of friends (we all met through our ex-girlfriends, and while gfs were rooted out, we stayed together)

Ambitious, yet I have not set foot on a career.

 

That's it for now about me. The content of this journal will most likely touch upon my love life (or lack thereof at the moment), and my career/activity ambitions!

 

Stay tuned!

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Getting up everyday is better. Although she is still on my mind as soon as I get up, I'm not as hurt as before. It's been exactly ONE month since our breakup, and about 2.5 weeks since we were in NC. I blocked her on FB for awhile, but now it's unblocked (unfriended). Instagram is unfortunately public profile between the two of us, but we are not following each other.

 

She seems happy. My ex was 3 years younger than I, at the age of 23. We share a group on Facebook with the church, as well as 98 (98!!!!!!!! almost a 100) mutual friends. We dated for 18 months. It's crazy how well we got along together for awhile, and how involved we got with each other's friends.

 

We broke up over few issues:

1. We were apparently too different (our zodiac signs also say this, which I will get into later). She's free spirited, she can't stay home, she NEEDS to do SOMETHING, she can be clumsy, she is very friend to all, very kind to all, loves helping people. I am stable, down to earth, borderline shy (although much improved, I have no problem talking to girls), very analytical, critical, and picky.

2. I couldn't deal with my own problems - I was unemployed and after two degrees, it was still very difficult to get a job. I finally got off my ass after getting heartbroken to start looking again. Currently, my job application count is 131.

3. Overdependence, and neediness on my girlfriend. It pressured her too much, and while dealing with her own problems, it just got too much for her. It broke her apart and let me go.

4. Our parents weren't best of friends. While they knew each other, they never formally met with us in presence.

5. Our relationship was probably going a bit stale. It was passionate all the way up to…. New Years. Then peaked a bit for Valentines (which I received nothing from her btw. I got chocolates and a beautiful card last year ), and stagnated.

6. She's got no energy/time for a relationship right now. She wants to figure her life out first, and me to do the same. With 3 jobs and active role at the church, it leaves her one, sometimes two evenings in the week (Monday and Sunday) for free time. She also said.. She doesn't have the energy to go through it again, she's too afraid that it'll mess up.

 

When we first broke up a month ago, I accepted it. Because we broke up once previously (although it was very mini), and her reasonings were that we were so different. I just couldn't see it. She listed the differences and it was like I was being too critical and judgemental, and I wear emotions on my face. I gave her negative energy. I tried my best to improve, and I was honestly making progress. But it wasn't fast enough for her. But after few days of self-reflection and praying, I realized so much about myself. I had to confront her again. 11 days after we broke up, I approached her after a musical that she played the piano for, and approached her with flowers, card, and an 8 page letter which described every single problem we had, and all the problems I had. As soon as we were alone, she started crying, saying that this is too early, I can't do this right now… I couldn't even tell her what I was planning to say. So I only got to give her the 8 page letter.

 

She replied back the next day regarding the letter, and the gist of it was: "When I left our convo, I was sure that nothing was going to change my mind about entering a new relationship with you. But do not mistaken that for me wanting to get back together. I'm extremely proud of you for realizing your problems and envy you for your self-improvement. However, that doesn't mean I am a better girlfriend, and I still don't know how to maintain a relationship. I am afraid of our relationship going wrong, screwing up again. I don't have time and energy for a relationship right now. If we're meant to be, maybe I'll be ready in a month, months, or a year and if it's God willing."

 

How do I feel about all this? She has so far, made no mistakes after our breakup. Nothing to offend me, nothing to leave me questioning. There are no guys in her surroundings, and her life. She's back to her usual self, being friendly to everyone - guys included (which sometimes does hurt and sting me for a good 10 minutes after finding out) but that's just the way she is. She's super outspoken and she is very friendly to everybody. She hasn't initiated in talking to me, she's just went cold turkey in the communications department.

 

Me? I dealt it harshly. I was madly in love with this girl, and I wanted to marry her. She was everything I wanted in a wife - someone who I could respect, trust, rely, and alignment with our life goals - to help others. To travel the world and help others. I am trying my best to move on, and not cling on to the hope. Because to be honest? I really need to figure my life out before I even think about approaching her. That means: getting a job or getting into medical school (I will write about my career plans later), and moving out of my parent's crib. Move on buddy, start moving FORWARDDD

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Wow this sucks….

 

I get home and open up Facebook. All I see her her commenting all over the place. Especially the ones I had commented on. Then in one of the status's posted (yes I should stop), she talks with this guy (who has a girlfriend, doesn't really pose a threat I know. The guy's balding for crying out loud.) about going to Kelowna with others. How she loves Kelowna (we went to Kelowna together and loved it). How she'll get up early in the morning to cook before Kelowna. Really?

 

I am just trying to accept and face the pain right now. Maybe this is her lashing out, I don' know.

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I guess I am really proud of myself for not lashing out myself. I haven't done anything rash lately, although i have been seeing this girl, she knows my boundaries. She knows I'm still in it for my ex. I absolutely hate breakups.

 

Sometimes I wish I don't get so emotionally devoted on to the person like some of the players out there.

 

Edit: just so I don't add another post. Things I need to change in my lifestyle:

 

- Discipline

- Stop being lazy

- Self-Control - anger & temper.

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Welcome

 

First of all, you need a clean break from your ex and that means to stop seeing her FB posts...I'm not an expert on FB but do what needs to be done to stop seeing her posts/updates/anything about her.

Second, out of curiosity (and because I'm interested in astrology myself), what's her star sign? I'd say Aquarius from the way you describe her (she reminds me of myself and I'm an Aquarius) but I could be very wrong..lol

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Welcome

 

First of all, you need a clean break from your ex and that means to stop seeing her FB posts...I'm not an expert on FB but do what needs to be done to stop seeing her posts/updates/anything about her.

Second, out of curiosity (and because I'm interested in astrology myself), what's her star sign? I'd say Aquarius from the way you describe her (she reminds me of myself and I'm an Aquarius) but I could be very wrong..lol

 

Hello!

I know.. I had to unblock due to our mutual activities at church.. I was hoping that she would respect my space and avoid the things that I was involved in. Like I've said, she really hasn't done anything disrespectful so far, until last night. It really hurt me to see her talk to another guy about going to a place that we've explored together.

 

Haha that's awesome! I've always been interested in astrology, especially after one of my closest friends/workmate was really big into it and palm reading.

 

She is a Sagittarius! I had a diary journal entry on my computer on this while back, I will find it and post it up.

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Getting up everyday is better. I guess I'm going to have few entries per day to get my thoughts out there. Hopefully the number of entries I make a day will reduce over time, and it'll be an indication of how I am progressing. I still have a tough time sleeping. I get up and while I don't have that heart ache anymore, I am still tired in the mornings. I still haven't been able to relax fully and let her go. She seems happy right now, meeting with her friends, and trying to take it day by day. I'm still not happy with what happened yesterday, with the Facebook status and commenting. We travelled to Kelowna together and had a great time there. A place where we were both agreeing that we should totally buy a place in later in life. It sucked to see that she wanted to experience that with others, granted they were only church friends. She also seemed to almost publicly announce that we were no longer together - that kind of hurt also.

 

Taking it day by day. Anyways, astrology stuff as promised. I am a virgo male, and she's a sagittarius. Last two very serious relationships I had was always with a Sagittarius, weird. But they were two complete different, almost opposite. So while I don't really delve too much into astrology and sign compatibilities, I always find it interesting. Not only that, it seems like this relationship fit more of the descriptions in the compatibility sites than my previous relationship.

 

She's a true Sagittarius woman; a playful nature, free spirited, LOVES to have fun, excitement. She is very friendly, very approachable, very outspoken in her niche surroundings (like church, but she is pretty shy around my friends), super energetic. She is also very very independent, and self-reliant, except in her emotions. She especially loves helping others - she has travelled overseas every year for 4 years to help others; from Asia to Africa. In my opinion of her, and common to couple sites, she wants a man who can protect her, some type of a hero. I was that man for her for awhile, until my problems overcame me

 

I'm a virgo man - analytical, critical, perfectionist, precise, attention to detail, fit, tremendous sense of duty towards serving the greater good, super careful with money, a ton of research goes in before making a decision, and loyal. The worst part of it is, I am incapable being unloyal (if there is such a word). My mother always bugs me about this: “Why can't you go out and meet a lot of girls, date lots of girls, etc?” Truthfully, I find it a waste of time to keep so many girls around. I prefer to keep one, fall in love, and commit immensely into the relationship. That is my downfall. That is my disadvantage when breakup happens, because I am usually the one who gets hurt a lot more than the other. I like being stable, I like being cuddly, I like just hanging back and chilling back. I do of course, occasionally (once a month) hit the club, or do various activities, but I can't handle it every week like my friends do.

 

Compatibility between the two signs - difficult according to sites. Mind you, although these signs keep me interested, I don't really care what they say. I am not gonna go out there looking for the best compatibility zodiac sign of the opposite sex haha. Anyways, my ex was very free spirited, and earns for freedom and exploration. I am stable, and more down to earth. I had a talk about this with a friend of mine. He commented, “I thought these differences were why you guys were such a great couple”. She showed me things that I couldn't have seen it for myself without her - spiritually and religiously. I gained ton of respect for her in many other ways. In return, I showed her the outside world, the night life, friends outside of her niche (church), travelling with companion, trips with friends, etc. I also showed her how to truly love….Her past bf was very controlling and emotionally abusive - in that he cheated on her with his ex's, etc. Apparently he did the same with his new girlfriend.

 

Anyways, virgo males are suppose to be very calculative and falls in love with the person that they deem fit. When they fall in love, they really commit (commitment is never a problem for them), and that's me. As I stated, that is my downfall. I'm hurting immensely still, after a month.

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Anyways, virgo males are suppose to be very calculative and falls in love with the person that they deem fit. When they fall in love, they really commit (commitment is never a problem for them), and that's me. As I stated, that is my downfall. I'm hurting immensely still, after a month.

 

You're hurting exactly because, in your mind, she was the 'perfect' girlfriend...and that's what you have to work on...to get out of that state of mind.

 

Your Sagi ex (and I know you don't want to hear this) is, probably, already flirting around. Sagittarians are huge flirts.

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You're hurting exactly because, in your mind, she was the 'perfect' girlfriend...and that's what you have to work on...to get out of that state of mind.

 

Your Sagi ex (and I know you don't want to hear this) is, probably, already flirting around. Sagittarians are huge flirts.

 

Unfortunately, that is my downfall too lol. I always seem to think my girlfriend is the best out of all other women out there. I felt this way with my ex ex, and same with my ex. I always saw them as the sweetest thing in the world.

 

I do understand that a lot of Sagi people are flirtatious by nature. I know four of them inside and out. Wow, to think about it, that's crazy!!! The four I know are: My exex, my exexs best friend (they have the same exact birthdays, but so different), my ex, and my ex's sister. So I know these people quite well. None of them are flirts by nature, but rather very friendly. Being very friendly, they can come accross flirts but they're not really..

 

I've never seen my exex flirt outside of our relationship. As for my ex, she's very friendly to guys that she knew for a very long time. Besides that, she is not really a flirt. She has a very low self-confidence, for example: I'd tell her, oh you look really pretty today, and she wouldn't take the compliment to heart. She'll just think I said it because I am her boyfriend. She always complains of her weight but never changes diet or exercises, and minuscule things about her face. And it is because of this low self-confidence that rather being flirtatious, she just becomes friendly with everyone.

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I had an hour long talk with a friend that I made over the past few months. She's a super cool girl (she's into girls), and she met both of us during a snowboarding trip that we went together. Apparently my ex and her had a talk about how ex and I met, and also about my exec. So I thought I'd kind of go back in time and think about this a bit.

My exex

We dated for 7 years, almost onto 8. We were inseparable, we were first each other EVERYTHING. Four years of the relationship were long-distance, 3000 miles away. With our love of each other, we made it work - we communicated about EVERYTHING, we clicked very well. We had a lot of things in common, and shared many of the life goals together. We did have a lot of problems however, for example:

1. My parents never liked her from the start. Not even after 7-8 years due to differences in culture (common among Asians).

2. I also had few problems that I still face today. Such as short temper.

The relationship eventually ended by her stating all of our problems. One big thing being that I wasn't even sure that I wanted to marry her in the end. She moved on quickly, finding a new boyfriend within 2 weeks of us finalizing our breakup. She's currently living with him now. I was a wreck post-breakup, I drank lots, I did drugs, I lost 15 pounds, I lost so much muscle, I lost motivation and vision.

 

I currently have noooooo resentment for her whatsoever. I'm very happy that she is getting closer to becoming at teacher, and that she's happy with her new guy. I sometimes even wanna reach out to her just to be friends, although that will never happen. I don't think I would ever be in another relationship with her however.

 

After the breakup, I became a bit more religious, praying God for healing, for guidance, and for the next girl that I meet, to get married with me. I was just having a ton of trouble with the pain. I prayed like this for quite a bit of time. Month after breakup, I went on a mission trip to Laos. That's when I met my ex.

 

Going to continue on the next post.

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My ex: how we met

 

We met initially through mission trip preparation meetings, but I bore no feelings towards her. I paid no attention to her, mainly because I was so hurt after the breakup. Then it was time to go to Laos. She sat beside on the plane to Asia (10+ hours) and all I was doing was writing in my journal listening to sappy songs. She felt awkward (she told me later), and we played a few plane games like tetris but nothing more.

 

Magically? Perhaps God listened to me? We were paired up during the entire trip. We were asked to do our duties together, and spent 8-10 hours together all the time. We got to know each other better, and she listened and learned all about my ex and my previous relationship. We both started to gain attractions for each other, but I had to reduce the flirtation mode way down, since it was a MISSION trip haha. We took lot of photos together in the foreign land, and started dating when we got back.

 

When I started telling my friends about her, EVERYONE thought she was a rebound. My ex was an opposite of my exex. While they were both Sagittarius, they were very different. My exex loved dressing up, loved materialistic things and gifts, liked money, status, reputation etc. My ex however, loved helping others, she was intelligent, independent, strong, multi-talented individual but not hugely into her appearance. My feelings for her were up and down, mainly because she was so different from my exex. Fast forward a year and I fell in love with her.

 

That's the story of how we met. I have to admit that I did carry some of the baggage from my previous relationship - which I need to fix now. However, the mission trip, the blessings that I received, my spiritual re-connection with God, and this ex really healed me, within the 2-3 weeks that we were together.

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I hung out with a girl friend of mine today. I don't have that many female friends, because it was just my nature to focus all my attention to my girlfriend and really neglect any other female friends I had. Her and I go quite a ways back, and I had kind of been careless about all her problems she faced last year. So we had a good catch up day. She's not a very good listener though haha, and we didn't really talk about my ex story much.

 

Positive news that I've received from my friends is that, everyone just wants me to make use of this solo time to work on myself, become a better and stronger person, and expand my social network. Basically not to get into relationships right now, but just meet new people. I completely agree! Even if my ex came back to me this weekend, I don't think I could go into a relationship right now. I'm too damaged. I have ton of work to do on my own. I need to fix my personality a little bit to ensure a great love life to come.. That being said, I am still madly in love with my ex...

 

Another good thing is, I've gotten compliments from 3 girls in one week! (3 girls that I do not have any attractions for, except as friends) People usually don't tell me these things when I have a girlfriend. So it was a great confidence booster.

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Whoo well.. I haven't entered an entry for awhile.

 

I feel like I took giant steps back this weekend. I don't even know why (well I do know why). A lot of my ex's best friends are moving out of the country for extended amounts of time, and all the close friends she has is now either close guy friends she has known for a very long time, or church friends. Yes.. I still get photos popping on my newsfeed (99 mutual friends), her taking photos with couple of male friends (one of whom actually reached out to me and wants to take me out for lunch). There are no romantic feelings there whatsoever... I am secretly hoping that she will feel lonely and come back to me… But who am I kidding.

 

I went out with my guy friends through the whole weekend, and ended up drinking a bit too much and on Friday, I broke down crying. Yeah… in front of guys and some of their girlfriends. Went to the bathroom and just cried my eyes out for quite awhile. I don't know why. I was just so sad that she wasn't with me. Dreams still continue with her in it. I had extreme insomnia through the weekend (slept for 3 hours entire weekend), and I had the pleasure of taking a 1.5 hour nap. Well, guess what? I was hugging her and holding her during a dream I had.

 

My friends try to reassure me constantly. One of them just dumped his girlfriend (his girlfriend had fights with his mom.. disrespected family tradition, etc… and he was saying how he isn't that attractive and had no prospects. He was afraid of being alone. They just tell me of my blessings, like you are a good looking guy (also from girls too!), I have two degrees with good GPA, smart, intellectual, and good physique. I love them for throwing compliments at me but unfortunately, they go in one ear and out the other ear. Deep inside, I know this and I have the confidence to do well in life as well as love life. But I have to find it in me. I am trying to crawl my way in there, but I'm faced with millions of demons in the way.

 

I still love her to death.

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So while I had an eventful weekend, my Sunday came crashing down. I went to church, and whenever I go to church, I try my best to avoid her at all times. Well… I'm in the choir and after morning practice, my ex goes in to the practice room to teach kids (she's a sunday school teacher and also plays piano for the kids). Well I saw her. I saw her talking to some parents and kids. I can hear her laugh and her voice, and it doesn't help that she is very outspoken and loud haha…. It sucks seeing her so happy and herself, while I'm dying inside. I ended up skipping a service today, and just dropped my little brother off. It came to be a great thing, as my little bro told me Julie was there, and so were her friends. She was sitting alone, and she kept looking at my little brother to look for me few times..

 

My little brother is back in town for a month, and he just tells me "I can't handle seeing her all happy on the outside while I know you are hurting like hell in front of me. Why do you let her destroy you like that? She's not even worth it!" Then just to make me happy, I asked him to tell me all the bad things that he thought of her, from appearance to personality. "I don't find her attractive at all. Her side face looks like a man, I would rate her 7/10 at most. She has a good figure, but she's not that fit, a bit chubby, I don't even get why you went from loving a slim fit girl to a bit chubby girl."

 

It kind of made me happy hearing that. Why? Not because we're discussing bad things about her, I've already oversaw her flaws and loved them already. I loved her figure, I loved however she looked like. It made me feel better because I was hopeful that there wouldn't be anyone for her, for the next little while. Because I still have it in my mind of a hope that I could still be together with her.

 

Get my together, get my own place, move out, get a job or into med school, but most of all, find that inner me again. Find that ambitious, manly, strong person I once was. By then, hopefully I will no longer have feelings for this girl and have moved on. Only then… Only then I will give it another try for her..

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I've always wanted to start like a fitness blog. I'm proud of the progress that I have made on my body, and my physique through years of on and off training. My ex always discouraged me from doing so, because "your body is mine for me to see and no one else!"

 

In an attempt to move, and actually start doing things that I wanted to do, I made a progress post on my instagram, with my naked back and etc. Guess whattttttt?? An hour later, I was checking my Facebook and saw that my photo count was decreased. I look at it, and turned out that the last two photos that my ex had up on Facebook disappeared. I guess I pissed her off. Is that a good thing?

 

Not gonna stop me from continuing this fitness blog, but it's good to know she still checks up on me. I really wanted to talk to her last night.. I really wanted to reach out to her and tell her frekaing everything.

 

Why are heartbreaks so difficult?

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INot gonna stop me from continuing this fitness blog, but it's good to know she still checks up on me. I really wanted to talk to her last night.

 

And it SHOULDN'T stop you either. You're doing that for yourself and it's good to have something else than your ex to focus on.

You'll go through periods of wanting to talk to her...resist the urge and it will pass, I promise.

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And it SHOULDN'T stop you either. You're doing that for yourself and it's good to have something else than your ex to focus on.

You'll go through periods of wanting to talk to her...resist the urge and it will pass, I promise.

 

Thank you missmarple. It's something that I've always wanted to do, I am not too sure why though haha. I guess it's to track my own progress, and since I have trouble self-motivating myself from time to time, it'll hopefully help me. Oh, I guess if I can inspire people to get fit, that'll be AWESOME too.

 

I met up with a friend of mine today for lunch. He's known my ex for quite a long time, and he's a very logical person. Everytime I talk to him, it feels so much better. He really puts your mind where it belongs, and no sugar coating things. My ex is a very strong, yet hard-headed woman. She's not going to initiate talking to me, ever. Her independency, and her strong will is what got me really attracted to her in the end too.. One thing that really made me feel better is the comment, "Do you really think she will get a new boyfriend soon? You know her, and I know her. Do you really think that? All her free time is spent at church and with church people. That's the last thing you should be worried about."

 

It made me feel better I suppose.

 

I need to stop thinking about herrrrrrrrr but it's so hardddd. I am trying to tell myself that we can't be together ever, but my heart just keeps telling me otherwise.

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What would that accomplish? Nothing...and you'd feel worse afterwards.

 

You're right

 

Just plugging in a thought here: When my exex of 7 years broke up with me, I was downright depressed. I thought my heart was going to give out one day due to lack of sleep and it just wouldn't stop pumping so hard. I also thought she was the prettiest thing in the world, and she was perfect for me. Do I still think that now? No. She was a great girlfriend, and a person. She also had a lot of downsides that I wasn't happy with, for example, she was very fake - very nice to people around her, but when I was with her privately, she would talk negative things about them. I also thought that I would never find a better person than her.

 

Then I met my ex - someone who was culturally compatible with me, much more intelligent, multi-talented, and independent. Who doesn't love a strong independent woman? I am hoping that I still have rose tint goggles like I did when my 7 year gf broke it off with me. Because, even now, in my head, there's not many out there that's more amazing than she was.

 

I don't even know what I'm rambling about now. I just watched a youtube video on breakup survival - how this is a great time for you to improve. It started off alright, I totally agree that this is a great time for me to reflect on myself and better myself. My friend yesterday even said so - that I went from this person who wanted to enter the class of elites, to buy million dollar mansions and multiple luxury cars, to someone who's more down to Earth, God-loving, humble and yet ambitious. He said that he was very proud of how I have progressed, and how I handled my breakup (he was there when my 7 year relationship died too). Then the video starts talking about improving your game to pick more girls, etc.

 

I like going out from time to time, go out clubbing and drinking to a moderate amount. I don't like picking up girls at the club, I would much rather friend them instead of trying to get in their pants.. It's just not me. It's not that I don't have the ability to, it's just that the crowd at the clubs are always the same in this city. It's a crowd that I don't really want to associate myself with.

 

Ramble ramble ramble. Sorry!

 

Also, this is me: "I am a hard person to love but when I love, I love really hard"

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Well.. I went for ice cream with a female friend of mine today. It's out of town and we took her dog there also. There's absolutely no attractions between us two, just friendly catchup time. I dropped her off after couple hours of talking and ice cream. Went on my phone to check messages. Then I started to drive towards a motorcycle store to replace a battery that my bike desperately needed; however, there was a big traffic jam.

 

After few minutes of fiddling on my phone and enjoying the weather, I look back. Guess what? My ex was driving right behind me. What are the odds, the coincidence of my ex being behind me, in a city with a population of 1 million (I know it may sound little to some of you, but it's a lot to me lol). We were stuck in the traffic together for good 5 minutes, when I saw an opening on the other lane I took it. I had to get out of the awkwardness of it all, and the coincidence just shook me. I felt funny… No sadness or anything, just funny.

 

Had to laugh haha, so weird.

 

Anyways, I'm going to fix my bike again and start riding in this beautiful weather.

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I still pray for her every morning and night. I pray for two things: I ask for a second chance for us to be together again and try one more time, allow us to show You how love can be. But if that's not His will, then for both of us to heal - mend our hearts and guide us through our pathways separately. For our lives to open up… Well I pray for other things too, like health and careers, but she's always in my mind.

 

A friend of ours just got back together with her boyfriend. They lived in the same city for awhile, then long distance for a good 2 years, then broke up because they couldn't see each other together in the future. During the 6 months of breakup, the guy tried to get back with her, and the girl tried to get back with the girl. After a back and forth battle, the girl decided to move to the city he is in, and they're together now, on the way to marriage.

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Still sucks… Went out with few friends last night. It seems like, whenever I am single, the girls want to wingman me and try to cheer me up haha. Had couple girls at the bar stare with interest at me but I really didn't want to do anything about it. Although it feels great that there are females out there that think high of me, I still miss my ex and she's still the love of my life for me

 

How long will this lastttttt omg...

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Today is legit NC day 28, and 38 days since we broke up. It gets better, but my healing progress has been very slow.

 

I go out every weekend now, meet new people and try to get her off of my mind. Just yesterday I did exchange a lot of looks with girls, but unfortunately, I just didn't find them that attractive. Even when there was this one girl that I found super cute, I just couldn't find myself to get closer to her. Well anyways, I am all for making friendships.

 

I've never had problems talking to and connecting with people, but I still have this fear that I cannot identify. I still have trouble letting go of my ex permanently, but some place in my head says I still can make this work. It's been a month for crying out loud…

 

 

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I went to church yesterday and I saw my ex play the bass. I try my hardest to stay as far away from her as possible, so that I wouldn't bug her as much, and seeing how church is all that she has in terms of friends, I don't want to bother her on that either. Also, to guard my heart. I sit on the second floor of the church auditorium, by my lonesome. It also serves to get away from rest of the church members and thus, avoid drama.

 

 

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I wonder what she is thinking, if she ever thinks about me.

 

I now have less than two weeks before I find out about my med school decisions. Im scared as hell, but for some stupid reason, I have a good feeling about this year. I've tried 4 times in the last four years and every single time I was just scared and pessimistic. This year however, I feel like God's with me more than ever, and I've improved in every category of the application. If I do get in, that means I have to leave everything here behind and move to another city - 3 hours away. 3 hours away isn't bad, ex and I were originally going to do long distance, and she was going to continue more schooling with me at the city. God, how much I wish that would come true.

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I just realized that I think about her in every single post of mine. Is this normal? How do you actually get over somebody and move on? Do you actively block out your thoughts?

 

I'm going to a beerfest today, apparently ton of people are going so hopefully I'll get to mingle with some more people.

 

Just had another though…. As you get older, you get more pickier in terms of what you want in a companion. One thing for sure, is that my companion has to be of the same Asian nationality as I am. I used to not care, until I met my ex. The cultural similarities help with understanding in so many of the problems that I faced. Mostly with family and personal problems.

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