Ex-girlfriend has Bipolar personality disorder

[askdan]

Hello all,

 

I have recently learned that my ex-Fiancee of 5 years has a Bipolar personality disorder. We were friends for 7 months, then all of a sudden, she cuts me off and does not return messages.

 

All of her actions and words are exactly the same thing as described in medical books. She refuses to speak to me, she refuses to get therapy (she does not admit that she has a problem), and now she breaks the friendship. Prior to our breakup, she had exsessive mood swings, became extremely vulgar, and was always extremely mad and accusing everybody without recognizing her mistakes.

 

I thought that she was a bad person, and I have left her. If I would have known about Bipolar, I would have been in a better position to help her, unfortunately, I feel it is too late as we are no longer in touch. She blames everything on me and sees me as a bad person.

 

Is there a good way to restore communication with a Bipolar person who is suspiscious of your motives?

 

People will tell me to forget her and move on, but before I do so, I want to make sure I have done absolutely everything to help her. Now that I am aware of her medical condition, I would need advice on how to get back in touch with her. She is lonely, unhappy, and she is getting worse. She is on a self-destruct mode and I do not recognize her anymore.

 

Please, I need help, good advice and support.

[savannahohsavannah]

I think I've seen this question before on the board. I think I told you before that you can't do anything to help her. You are her ex bf, not her mom, or her therapist. And of course with the mood swings and screaming fits...could it be that she felt that you did something dirty to her that inspired these fits? Some ladies, bipolar or not, have intense feelings when it comes to their love relationships and don't play nice. Did you play nice with her? Ask her one day! Ask her what she thought about the way you treated her when you were together. I'll bet you won't get the response you are thinking.

[ticklebug]

All of her actions and words are exactly the same thing as described in medical books. She refuses to speak to me, she refuses to get therapy (she does not admit that she has a problem),

 

Bi-polar disorder is not someone a layperson can diagnose by just reading books about it...there are many other reasons a person can exhibit the traits you mention...even just regular depression and anxiety.

 

Even if it is bi-polar - you, nor anyone else but a qualified physician and the correct medications could "help" her. There isn't anything you can say or do to push her to get any type of diagnosis either...just like an alcoholic has to admit they have a drinking problem, someone with a mood disorder, or even just depressed...needs to realize it for themselves.

 

Whatever happened between the two of you, whatever mistakes you think you made in dealing with her emotions...can't be undone. If she doesn't want your help, there isn't anything you can do make that change. In most cases, a person has to hit their own personal rock bottom before they can pick themselves up again...and you just have to let them.

[askdan]

Hello! Thank you for your response. I appreciate you taking the time.

 

According to her, she has accused me of mistreating her!! I can assure you, that this is untrue. I have never cheated on her, I always spoiled her and treated her with class and the outmost respect.

 

Even during our friendship, I was still taking her out to diner, to the movies, and behaving like a gentleman. She has even said that she still has strong feelings for me.

 

Then all of a sudden, she stops communicating. I am not desperate. I have other cute girls that I can call anytime. I have lots of friends. But however, I feel sad that my ex is a mess!!

 

I am wondering if I should send a Christmas card to let her know that she is still in my thoughts, but I don't know if she will resent the card.....or appreciate it.

[ticklebug]

According to her, she has accused me of mistreating her!! I can assure you, that this is untrue.

 

what is HER definition of being "mistreated"...just because you think yu aren't...doesn't mean the same from her perspective...

 

I have other cute girls that I can call anytime

 

wow I hope you have never actually said anything like that to her in a fit of anger...because if you have...I can see that as feeling mistreated, disrespected, less than special...etc...it's as if you are saying you are better than her and she was lucky to have you...

[kate111]

HI Askdan,

 

You have helped me before, so hopefully I can be of some assistance.

 

Unfortunately you are in a bit of a tricky situation.

 

If this girl does need help then it is best it doesnt come from her ex boyfriend who isn't in love with her anymore. This will mess her up more because it wont help her get over you at all but will increase her heart break.

 

It may be that she realises that the only way to get over you is to not speak to you for a while. If this is the case then she is helping herself already.

 

I know it seems like you have done nothing wrong but her view of things may be different. Sometimes we dont even realise the way we are coming accross to people or the hurt we are creating. It can be unconscious. You state outright that you have definitely not done anything wrong, this is probably not the attitude to take, better if you have a flexible and less black and white picture of "right" and "wrong". There is more to relationships than treating someone with class and like a lady. For instance, for some they must feel cherished above all others and the things they do admired and respected. For others it could be different things that they need and want.

 

There may be things that your girlfriend thought you didnt provide her with. This doesn't make you a bad person, maybe your needs were just different or you were incompatible. There may have been things you werent happy with as well. You may have even brought out the worst in each other.

 

Diagnosing her with a psychological disorder yourself is frought with problems. You cannot ever be objective. You may think she is borderline personality but in fact this is just your perception and other people may even diagnose you with the problem. For example they may say "yeah ok she is up and down but that is normal, actually it is dan with the problem, he can't express his emotions enough and has problems showing empathy, no wonder his girlfriend was driven to depression".

 

I don't mean to be critical at all. I know I sound critical. I am just trying to explain how her "psychological problems" may arise out of you two's relationship and your perception and not at all be inherent in her nature.

 

Anyways, even if she does have problems, it would be better if her friends help her out and not you.

 

I know you care about her and not knowing what is going on in her life is scary and you don't want to see her get into any trouble. It is a hard situation. It is better if you just let her know you care, and say you will be there for her if she ever needs you. As long as you know she has friends who can help her around her then she will be ok.

 

Hope this helps.

[Scout]

Hi Askdan...it seems that at one point, this topic was starting to veer off from your original question, and put you in the hot spot. That's not the issue.

 

I think it's very caring of you to want to help your ex. Yes, ultimately she will need to be the one to get the help she needs, but your words of concern may plant the seeds that (eventually) motivate her to seek help from a therapist - hopefully a kind and patient therapist, not an authoritarian one who dictates their opinions like its the word of God.

 

Anyway, that being said, I think you should send her the card. And maybe follow up with a phone call on Christmas, a brief one telling her you do care for her, and of course you're thinking of her on this special day, and even if she doesn't feel she could ever do this, to please talk to you if she ever needs to talk to someone.

 

That's about all you can do for now - but it's a start.

[savannahohsavannah]

Scout:

While you may think it's okay to tell someone they need help. I disagree. Someone who is already ill has to see it for themselves. Anything that you say will almost never get past their defense mechanisms and can also serve a negative impact. And I have to ask myself, what is the purpose of AskDan saying this to his ex gf? I know if an ex of mine ever said that to me I'd ignore every word they said. It could come off as an *I'm better than you are* statement. I don't agree with anyone other than a parent or a teacher or spouse doing the "confrontational you-need-help speech".

[Scout]

Actually, I didn't suggest at all that he should do kind of confrontational intervention or tell her she needs to see a therapist. I just suggested he tell her that he's there for her if she needs a friend.

 

But since you bring it up, I don't understand why a good friend shouldn't suggest to another good friend they need help, especially if no one else is taking the initiative to do so.

 

Edit: I just re-read my post. I think you were referencing what I said about words that might plant a seed in her mind to see a therapist. So I guess I did suggest that. Anyway, if she's really badly off, I think it's best to let her plainly know he thinks she needs help. If she gets infuriated, so be it, but it may provoke her to eventually seek medical treatment for her disorder.

[Scout]

Ok, I think my last post sort of did end up advocating an intervention, which I agree with Savanna that at this point, since they've already been arguing, will possibly make her think he's insulting her. So - I reiterate my original suggestion about sending the Christmas card, and making the phone call on Christmas day.

 

So, for now maybe extend the olive branch that could open the door to her turning to you for help later on.

[savannahohsavannah]

I see where you are coming from about the olive branch later on, but I have to admit I don't know if it's a good thing for Askdan to stay involved with this gal. Especially since she thinks, or says, that he has mistreated her. Obviously there was some problem there, and while Askdan wants to help, I don't see that he will be able to. I think in the long run it would just hurt him and her too. Askdan, I know you spent five years of your life with this person but sometimes you need to let go for everyone's sake.

[kate111]

I don't mean to put you in the hot seat Dan, cos I remember you from these boards and you were at one point my enotalone pal. I like you.

 

I Think the card is fine and it is also nice to say that you still care for her and that if she ever needs you then you will be there for her. It sounds like you are a very loyal person and that you have only the best intentions.

 

You may need to accept that she will ignore your card. She may need some time apart from you and she may need her own space to recover. You may need to accept that she doesnt want you involved in her life as a friend anymore.

 

You cant help somebody who doesnt want you to help them.

 

All the best.

[askdan]

Thank you all very much for your advice.

 

When we broke up, SHE is the one who kept telling me that she absolutely wanted to keep a friendship. I kept asking her: "Are you absolutely, 100% sure that you want to be my friend?"

 

Her answer was always "YES!"

 

So she is the one who kept doing the calling, for 7 months, and the last time I saw her was in August. She brought me for lunch just before I left for my trip to Florida.

 

I come back from Florida a month later, I leave her a phone message and an e-mail a week later, saying that I brought her a little present from Florida, and then, no response.

 

I think that I left 2 phone messages and two e-mails, but she did not inform me that she was killing the friendship. I was at least hoping that she could explain to me the reason of why she has decided to end the friendship.

 

This is weird.....

 

Anyways, I have made the decision of sending her a card with something nice, not something dramatic. I just wished that she could have told me in advance that she was chancing her mind, and explaining me the reasons.

 

I sometimes ask myself, why do people profess their undenying friendship, only to end it months later without an explanation.

 

Dan

[kate111]

Maybe she discovered these boards where sge was advised to do no contact!

 

She may have hoped at the time that she was speaking to you, that a friendship would be possible. She may have even been lying to herself that she would be able to keep in contact with you and then later on realised that it wasnt what she wanted.

 

Or else... she met someone else and is busy.

 

Chances are, if you dont contact her she will contact you. Just give things some time to settle.

[askdan]

Hello, Kate111,

 

Thank you for your reply. A appreciate having an opinion from an intelligent lady. Yes, I do remember you from last summer when I was helping you on these boards.

 

Thank you for your help and advice. I think that this Christmas season is hard on everyone here. I just woke up and I had a dream about her. I was lying in my bed in tears. It's hard to listen to these Christmas songs and see happy couples together, and you just think about past Christmases.....and there is not a damn thing I can do to change my situation.

 

This is a big joke! I am very disapointed in her (my ex).

 

Anyways, Kate 111, you are an attractive young lady, and I am glad that you have found someone who treasures you and loves you, you truly deserve to be happy and your boyfriend is a lucky guy! Thank you for your help and support. This is the most painful Christmas season I've ever had!