The dreaded "Plan B" or "Safety Net"

[Mangiafuoco]

The term "Plan B" or "Safety Net", usually refers to the situation where the dumpee keep in touch with the dumper who in the meanwhile has started a new relationship. The dumper so feel confident he can continue his new relationship and if this fails he can go back to the old partner (the safety net).

Everyone seems to agree that being a "Safety Net" is bad, it is not healthy, and everyone recommend to avoid becoming the Safety Net.

 

I was wondering if through the condition of to be a Safety Net anyone has ever managed to have a good reconciliation with the ex. I think it's interesting to explore some aspects of this human condition with a few questions:

 

1) You ever been a Safety Net and you had a successful reconciliation as safety net?

2) Do you know anyone who has been Safety Net and has had a successful reconciliation?

 

 

Thank you for your answers

[Shane Falco]

No. You are better off telling them to f--k off and getting back than you are by playing the orbiting safety net. Short of being creepy and stalkery, that's about the worst angle you can take.

[ParisPaulette]

I've been a safety net and I've known of other people close to me who were the dreaded backburner girl/guy. So answer your questions:

 

1) No, never.

2) No, no and no. Oh yes, and no. I reconciled with my last ex repeatedly as his safety net...and then repeatedly broke up when I'd get tired of being manipulated or he'd stop calling, because he'd found some shiny new object to chase. I was kind of clueless and then kind of dumb and then it was definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

To this day the entire relationship is just an embarrassment that I wish I could forget. I'd literally rather walk on broken glass then go through that again.

 

You're better off waiting for a unicorn to show up than hope being a safety net aka second best will ever get you a leading spot in someone's heart. I believe this is because the type of person who needs to use someone as a safety net is a selfish manipulator at best to begin with and you were never first choice, just the most easily manipulated in their stable. You're assuming someone who would keep another as a backup or back burner actually is emotionally healthy enough to ever have a genuine relationship when nothing is further from the truth. These people are trouble even if you are their number one, because one day the newness wears off--something they pretty much all need--and you'll find yourself behind door number two anyways.

[Mesemene]

1) You ever been a Safety Net and you had a successful reconciliation as safety net?

Been a safety net? Yes. Successfully reconciled? Not really - I ended up, much as I'd have liked to deny it, as a glorified FWB. His involvement just was NOT there to the extent mine was, so I was constantly hurting and resentful, and insecure - which is generally not my personality.

 

2) Do you know anyone who has been Safety Net and has had a successful reconciliation?

Nope. Best they got was basically the situation I got myself into - a one sided investment where they were convenient and available, but not the grand prize - and always felt the lack.

[browneyedgirl36]

1) Nope. I was a safety net for my last ex for the better part of FIVE years. Even when he went back to his previous ex, I pined away, waiting for him to come back (though I never attempted to interfere with their relationship or anything). And, yes, he DID come back, for awhile, until he ditched me again. And again. And again. Over a period of five years, he did it several times. Now, he's with someone else, and I have moved on -- thank GOD!

 

2) Nope. I do know people who have been "safety nets" who have temporarily reconciled, but it didn't last. It really chips away at one's self esteem after awhile. You're better off just letting them go.

 

My motto, ever since things finally ended with my ex, has been this: "I'd rather take my chances with someone who hasn't rejected me before than keep messing with someone who has."

[stats natural]

I've been a safety net in the past. First and worst time was for 8 months. It was the most pathetic period of my life. She started seeing someone and for those 8 months after I tried to get her back. Then one day I said to myself F this I'm done and upgraded. Nothing gets your mind off an ex better than upgrade.

 

Most guys don't even try cause they are too busy being betas when they get dumped. Then about a month later, 9 months, I get a text from her "I love you" I remember looking at that text stunned for like 2 minutes. I didn't go back and she pursued me after that for 2 years. I'm sorry but to me, there's nothing more pathetic than chasing an ex who's leaves you for someone else when you know they're doing it. I've had to to do this 2x after her as well. They all changed their tune real quick.

[sharky988]

I was a safety net years ago, back in college, for almost two years. It was an extremely painful experience during which I lived in limbo, hoping that by making myself available -- as a friend, lover, creative collaborator, whatever role my ex *allowed* me to be in his life -- would get me back to being his girlfriend eventually.

 

I'm sure he enjoyed having me there as a Plan B, but in the end he was never serious. Still I clung to the belief that we were *meant to be* and that if I just continued to tolerate his treating me like a Plan B, I'd somehow win in the end. Rookie mistake.

 

Nope. Doesn't happen. I've never experienced it myself -- or seen any of my friends reconcile by trying to stay in friendly contact with an ex. If they WANTED to be with you..... they'd be with you.

 

I think if staying in contact DID work, certainly people here would be posting their success stories like crazy..... staying in your ex's life as a safety net certainly FEELS much better than going No Contact. It's easier and less scary than walking away.

 

WHO wants to go NC? No one, it's awful and hurts like hell.

 

WHO wants to be "friends" and hope for more as a Plan B? Everyone, it's easy and keeps hope alive.

[professorplum]

Not what anyone wants to hear of course and it is interesting how many of us have found ourselves in that situation over the years.

 

This is essential reading if you find yourself weakening. It says much about the dynamics of relationships and human nature / interaction in general.

[Mesemene]

Said it better than I could. There's nothing quite like knowing your world revolves around a person who, unintentionally in casual conversation, constantly makes it clear you're not THEIR future - or even on their future radar. "When I pass the bar, I'm thinking I'll see if Mike wants to head to NYC with me to share an apartment while we get established." "I'm thinking about asking Jimmy to see if some of the guys want to go to Florida for spring break." Constant comments that illustrate that while you're making plans with THEM at the center, their plans are self centered and include friends - and only you as a last resort. "Cher and Donna had to work, so I have a couple extra tickets for the concert, want to go?" Oh yeah, being second-third best is GREAT. Not.

 

Being someone's last resort, hoping they'll see the light and that you're really "the one" is painful, humiliating, and leaves you with less self esteem than a cabbage.

[Lexy83]

Ouch this is so me in my previous relationship Not even as an ex, it was actually me still in the relationship I kept freaking out and the more I was freaking out the more he was doing it. Until he disappeared and jumped into a relationship right away with a little girl who he can commend as he wishes, without having to really commit or put any effort into the relationship. I did however contacted him once I felt I was healed, only when I didn't care anymore if he would reply back or not. But he did. I have to say though that I have never felt more confident and happy in my life and I see now that he is kind of chasing me and not me chasing him anymore and it feels good I just hope I will never experience those feelings again.

[muskrats21]

Nope.... does not work. I'd venture a guess and say 1% of the time? Maybe.

 

Like said earlier you're better off saying F *&@ off, walking away for any chance of later reconcile.

[Mari]

Thanks for sharing, are there more people with such stories?