5 months. Going to Break No Contact over Christmas. advice

[RayF]

Just a quick recap. She broke off with me in august. Told me she was still in love with me but needed to find herself be independent and, thought we would argue too much but stated she was lucky to have me. No contact at all for 4 months.she told me before this she wanted to keep in touch and hopefully some day be friends. I told her no way. and more or less toldher not to contact me if thats all she wants.

 

I long for her just as much every day of my life. It hasn't gotten any better.

 

my psychologist says that it takes three months for a stigma or the way a person was viewing you at the time of the breakup to fall. after three months apart has passed, Whatever is left underneath if there is anything will determine if they see the relationship with you as valuble. he tells me i have no healthy option other than to contact her with the intent of giving it another shot, given the way it consumes me.

 

I'm so scared of hearing her voice. i'm a huge advocate of no contact and i know not knowing whats going on with her was the only thing keeping me sane. i can simply not play it cool and play the friend game. No games, it goes against my belifes.

 

Together my therapist and i created a note i will send to her that will have my proposition while at the same time not sounding threaghtning or anipulative, allowing her to still feel empowered and eliminate the fear she would obviously have for getting back with me.

 

Here it is i would really appricate some advice on this situation.

 

Hi,

 

my heart is still with you, i agree with you that it is difficult for people to change. I also know there is no way ican convince you things have changed in me. I believe that any sort of relationship can only exist if both people are growing personally because of their interpersonal dynamics. i understand that you want to take your life forward as do i.i propose that we give ourselves an oppertunity to experience one another in a different, healthier modality. If we could spend some time together we could see if we're mature enough to develop a relationship that is desirable and eaningfull for both of us.

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Ray,

 

I think that is a very brave thing for you to do... and i would never disagree with your professional help. I hope you realize though that your counsellor is setting you up for your "last ditch effort". Be sure you are prepared for the fallout (if there is one).

 

However... the letter sounds VERY contrived. Perhaps you could change a few of the words so that it sounds less clinical. I mean it isn't like psychologists are experts on romance. I know... my EX is a shrink .... and she is not a happy camper these days.

 

For example. Even though I majored in psych, and I would NEVER dream of using the word "modality" in a letter to convey my feelings. Perhaps you'd want to change that to "way".

 

Anyway, this is half tongue-in-cheek, but I'd make sure that the words are your own, not your counsellor's. Your EX will see right through you! You can always get your counsellor to check it back over.

 

S&D

[amanda22]

i think it sounds like your trying to hard because everything said is a given. i suggest you send her a xmas card with a more light hearted message. like, hope you are enjoying the holidays...have a great new year... stuff like that. the card shows that you still care about her and are thinking about her. the card will also get her thinking about you. the card also shows that you are doing good (even if your not, you want them to think you are) and that you are mature enough to wish her well. dont get too complicated because she may feel bad that you are not over her and then she wont want to see because it would be weird if she doesnt like you back. in other words, you dont want to look desperate by any means. just show that you are friendly and this may spark her interest to talk to you again. if she doesnt contact you, you wont feel as bad as if you had spilled your heart out and got no response.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

Remember to feel the same way as u had typed in the letter. best of luck

[RayF]

thanks guys for the advice, all of it and anything else anyone has to offer is appriciated so much.

 

S&D i think you may be right

 

amanda i realize your advice is probably the best way to go about things but that would be a game. ijust am not strong enough to play mr. cool. especially since she still wanted friendhip. i'm sure she'd get comfortable with that really quick and i would only suffer, i feel like stating my intent is the only way to do it because if i were to just make it casual theres no way icouldmake it lighthearted.

 

If it were an agreed mutual plan to see ifthings can work out between the two of us i feel thats allthe reasurance i'd needto reallyshowmy positive changes with comfort and confidence and nothave itbe all an act.

 

an other question, whatisthe best way to go about doing this? Email? mailed letter? Phone call?

[Prosper]

which way u are most comfortable with and had been doing. Some ppl love emails, some like fone calls better.. DO WHAT U LIKE AND HAVE BEEN DOING. .

 

we are just a window away from u if u are in an email window frame.

 

we are just a computer away from the telephone.

 

we are also a mail away from the writing desk. Haha! .. *pat* *pat*

[amanda22]

so let me get this right. its all or nothing? you want to get your feelings out in the open and see if there is a possibility? if there isnt, would you be comfortable as just a friend or would you rather end it there and move on?

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi RayF,

 

I also agree that you should not send this letter, it sounds very clinical and cold. Not at all a letter I would respond to favourably.

 

If you have to write a letter, then write it more personal and warmer.

 

I agree with Amanda though, and think that you should send a Christmas card.

 

You dont have to play games and pretend to be a friend. You could write into the Christmas card something like:

 

'Merry Christmas. I hope you are doing well. I still think about you and would love for us to give it another try. Please let me know if you are interested.'

 

Now, of course I dont mean to use my words, but something along those lines, if you want to make it clear to her that you are not interested in anything but a relationship.

 

I think a card is less threatening. And it could be construed as you writing to her because of Christmas, and only adding the other stuff as an afterthought in case she blows you off and you want to save your pride.

 

I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide to do and hope that you get a loving response.

 

It is good to hear that your counselor thinks that only after 3 months a person realises if they still have feelings left for the other, as it has been 2.5 months since my man left me. So there is hope.

 

Did your councelor say if those 3 months have to be NC, or if that does not matter?

 

Good luck

[striderhiryu81]

I agree with amanda, but if you are to send a letter, why not just send a christmas card for the holidays and then a little later on send the letter or talk to her. you are just postponing the letter, not going without it. it has been a while so for you to just come up out of the blue, not knowing where she is in life, would be kind of a shock. it is a longshot that she is sitting there thinking and feeling the exact thing that you are. I would say ease back into her life and then when you have established some form of healthy contact you can send her the letter. otherwise you will come accross as desperate as if you have just been sitting around writing a letter for the past 4 months. even if that was the case, you don't want her to know that. that will just scare her away completely.

 

send her a card with a nice note inside saying that you've been thinking about her and that you wonder how she is doing. and that you'd like to hear from her. if she has your number (did you move or anything?) then maybe she will call you (or you can put it in the card). if not then she can have your address from the card. just allow her time to respond to the card before you send your "last ditch effort". That letter is very cold and impersonal and it will surely scare her away, well at least if its the only contact you would have in 4-5 months. its far too serious. take the time for her to warm up to you again. you aren't lying about your feelings or playing games, you would be respecting hers as well.

[sdw]

My advice to you is not to send this letter, not now after not speaking to her for so long. I would send her a card with a friendly caring message. If nothing else, this will bring you to her attention again. She might get angry if you ruin her holidays with this heavy stuff. One thing i have learned is that anxiety caused by break ups causes us to jump into doing things we might later regret....I wouldn't rush things here, you haven't seen her or spoken to her for 4 months what difference is another 1 or 2 going to make really ?.

 

Why not get back in touch see if she wants to hang out, see how the two of you get along for a while and if you still feel the same (remembering that you haven't seen her for a long time, and you may be surprised when you remind yourself she's just a human being and not actually a goddess after all), then if you still feel the same, tell her how you feel. Don't send a letter with the word "modality" in it though !!!

 

best of luck,

Steve.

[rnorth]

Maybe use that note as your own personal mantra, but please don't send it to her.

 

Make any communication light and even. How about breaking the ice with an email or even a card wishing her "the very best" for the Holidays and letting her know that she is on your mind.

 

I guarantee that will get a much better response than what your therapist is proposing. Sounds like he is gearing you up for a sprint instead of encouraging "baby steps"

 

If you talk with her, and she asks, you can talk about the work that you have done ON YOU and you alone. But make certain that you are listening as well.

 

Good luck.