How should I proceed in this confusing and complicated new situation?

[Vaimahina]

Hi all, I need some advice...

 

This is actually going to be a pretty long post for something that hasn't been going on for very long. Please bear with me. This is the situation: I've recently started seeing someone. We're both in our forties. He's a family acquaintance and I've always kind of liked him, but he was married when I met him so I NEVER did anything. I moved away for a few years and only recently came back for an extended stay. I found out his wife of many years cheated on him with more than one person and he is now divorced. We live in a small town and one of her lovers was my then best friend, but I hadn't a clue, and I'm not friends with him anymore. Anyway, I guess I must come accross as unreliable since I travel for months at a time because of my work, I have no clue as to where I'll be living later this year, I had a very unstable family situation as a child, and don't have any intention of having kids or marrying (I believe in love, and for me that is enough, no papers necessary). I have had several serious long-term relationships in my life, but none of them here, in my hometown. Well, we went out on a couple of dates and things advanced very quickly since it felt like we already sort of knew each other (although in actuality this was false), and now we've ended up sleeping together whenever we meet, which is not often because he works from very early to past midnight 6 days a week. For the reasons I'll explain in greater detail below, contact is now fewer and farther between, but the quality of our meetings has escalated, and against all common sense, so have my feelings for him. I have met and spent time with his teenaged son who lives with him and is a really great kid, and he (the father) has opened up to me more and more each time.

 

The trouble is, and I don't know if its just my perception, but it seems as if the better the date/love session we have, the more he distances himself afterwards. It's quite confusing. The first time was the weekend I met his son, after watching a scene in a movie, where the wife comes back after abandoning her family for years, he lay down and muttered "women are not essential," before going to sleep without so much as getting near me (neither of us had picked the movie). That was the first great divide and something certainly switched then. Twice now (not consecutively) he's told me he hasn't seen my messages after I've texted him to see if we can meet, and that it was too late to write back, that there were events that had been planned months in advance making him unavailable on two of his days off. Both times he said that he'd try to leave early to go meet me, but didn't. In his defence, its true he may not have seen my messages as he sometimes doesn't have his phone with him when he's working and the pre-planned events did take place. The second time he distanced himself was after the one (and only night) he stayed over at my house, after spending an awesome night and morning together. The third and last time was after I had resolved not to text or call him to give him space, so the morning of his day off he texted, calling me "my precious" and we went on to spend a glorious Saturday and Sunday together with his son, the best yet. Interestingly, the length of the "pauses" after these dates are directly proportional to how much closer or how much fun I feel we've had when together. Tomorrow will be two weeks since that last date, and by far the longest "pause" yet. We've run into each other in town a couple of times after these "pauses" and he always waits for me to finish whatever transaction I'm engaged in so that we may chat (for what I limit to a few minutes so as to not seem too eager), whereupon he explains why he's ignored my texts and either apologizes for not being able to see me, or expresses his desire to do so. This begins and ends with an "It's ok. Don't worry about it." from my part and a public goodbye kiss, which is a big deal in this small town where everybody talks. It bothers me to think that I probably would have gotten no apology or explanation whatsoever if we hadn't run into each other... To complicate matters, I recently found out his ex is back in town. I've no idea how long she's been here or how long she'll stay, but I know she had been living in the city and had a partner there. I think there's a lot going on with him right now, maybe too much for me to be part of the picture. He knows I'm leaving to work elsewhere for two months in May and that I'll be back in July, but nobody really knows for how long. I'd consider staying in my hometown if I felt this was going anywhere, but it really doesn't seem that way. In fact, I'm afraid I've made this into much more than it really is, still, I'm not sure how to proceed.

 

He has said a few things that struck me…. The first time we slept together he said he'd been alone the past 4 years. I can't imagine he meant having sex, I think he meant seeing someone, but who knows. He also said it was great to feel "desired." He's an attractive guy, so none of this makes much sense to me, unless he actually meant "Loved." He was very sincere about it and whenever we are intimate it feels like its much more than just sex, at least for me it is, and I think it must show. On a separate occasion he told me that in his late teens he had stopped talking to his family for 3 years after his father had said something really insensitive after a very traumatic event that almost took his life. He bought a ticket overseas and simply disappeared. I feel it was unfair to punish his mother and brother for something his father had said because they tried very hard looking for him, but there must be more to it. I'm not sure what to make of all this, what it says about him, and how this may reflect on his behavior now (if at all). I must admit that I've made some mistakes coming into this as well. After a while I was clearly the one who reached out more, texting him twice a week, then once, now none (we've never really called each other as neither of us like talking on the phone). Early on, he texted me that I was welcome to come over to his house whenever I wanted, but I only did that one time and let him know I was coming beforehand. At first he actively pursued me, but pretty soon it was me texting him to occasionally meet and I have always quickly and easily made myself available to him whenever he's wanted to get together because I wanted him to feel at ease with me and be his "respite." The last thing I said to him when we ran into each other in town the other day (after he said something like "I really should go see you" and kissing each other goodbye three times in what seemed like genuine affection) was "Whenever you have the time." I could just kick myself for saying that! My dad says that I need to take it easy, that he's very cautious after all that's happened to him and that I should take into account that he's Swiss (whatever that may mean).

 

The question is, how does he really feel about me? Part of me says he should be making a time to see me despite his busy schedule, like he did in the beginning, before things seemed to get more serious. On the other hand, I may be reading too much into things and expecting too much too soon. So why can't I just take it easy and give him the space he needs and just wait and see where this eventually leads? Has he distanced himself because of my initial eagerness, because I seem unreliable, because he's become disinterested after getting to know me better, or does he have trust issues and is afraid of getting close to me? Maybe its got nothing to do with me and everything to do with his ex being back in town, and/or its just ALL of the above. If I really care for him, should I just be patient? Considering both our needs, what should I do? I alternate between telling myself to hang in there and be patient, to talking to him about how I feel, to I should just get out of there quick because it can only hurt me more than it has already, which is more than I should be feeling for something this brief. I wish I knew the answer to these questions because this has really taken a toll on my happiness and self-esteem (I wasn't in such a good place before meeting him, and I'm certain that that is skewing my perception of everything that is happening). I feel I can't really ask him for answers since we are/were just dating and he can really do whatever he wants at this point. Yes, I have relationship anxiety issues and I'm confused. I completely blame myself for getting in this situation where I made myself so readily available to him and got involved so quickly. Even though it may truly be his busy schedule and he may be the kind of person who keeps to himself, I find the sadness and hurt of the rejection from the "pauses" unbearable. We started out seeing each other twice a week, then once a week, and now its going to be once in two weeks, perhaps more, with very little communication in-between. It's definitely not a relationship, and now I'm not sure I can even call it dating, I'm hoping this is due to everything that's going on in his life right now and that matters will change once his ex leaves town or on their own, that he'll reach out for me, but maybe its just not the right time for either of us. Maybe I'm drowning in a fishbowl. Oh the confusion!

[jjkk]

He may be pulling away because he knows you are leaving soon and very likely may not be around in the future due to your job. It's like a defense mechanism, such as oh wow I'm really falling for this person and it's going to hurt like crazy when she moves away so I need to be cautious and protect myself.

 

It sounds like you need to have a talk with him, ask him the things you are wondering, tell him what you feel and what you've noticed in his behavior (the pulling away). Be open to receive what he tells you so you can decide how to proceed. Ask him how he feels about you. It sounds like you need to clear the air between you, for your sake and probably his. He may feel just as confused.

 

Just a quick personal example. My current bf and I both enjoy alone time so we give each other space. In giving each other space we got into a cycle where we were texting and seeing each other less and less. I'd contact him less so he'd contact me less and you get the picture, kind of feeding off each other. We finally talked about it and have stopped playing the "contact less" game and things are much better and we still get the alone time we need.

 

Best of luck and I'd be interested in hearing how things turn out when and if you talk to him.

[missmarple]

Does it really matter why he's unavailable? It could be any of the reasons you're stating or all of them or none of them. What should matter to you is whether your needs are being met...and it doesn't seem like they are.

It's like you've put this guy on a pedestal and it's all about him, his needs, his issue. Dating/relationships shouldn't be this hard, especially in the beginning. Why should you 'hang in there and be patient'? If this was someone you had been in a loving relationship with and he suddenly encountered some issues and needed space, it would make sense to give him some time.

But this is so recent and already full of problems. Those 'pauses' only make sense in a FWB situation...and, obviously, that's not what you want from him because, if that was the case, you wouldn't be thinking about it this much and worrying and even letting the situation affect your self-esteem.

I would distance myself from him (not that hard to do as he's done it first), definitely stop sleeping with him and the next time he would contact me asking to meet, I would be busy. I know it's not easy because you seem to care about him but, you know, it seems like it's either his happiness or yours at this point...and which one is more important to you.

[Vaimahina]

Thanks for reading this and putting in your thoughts jjkk and missmarple. I'll wait and see what happens this weekend before I make any sort of decision. I'll let you all know how it goes.

[offplanet]

Yes, don't 'hang in there and be patient'. He himself is not hanging in there being patient. He seems to be quite happy with the way things are, which is the level of involvement he prefers. I would definitely not change your plans for going away. That would be a mistake and would show that you're too eager and making yourself too available for him. It's an unequal level of interest between you two, which is a bit pointless for you. It's very unrewarding to try to be close to someone like him. They don't want it the closeness, whereas you do. What's the use of letting yourself be in that position? Don't sell yourself short.

[Vaimahina]

I figured since you all took the time to help me with this (THANK YOU) to let you know what happened. In the end it was more what jjkk said. We are taking it slowly, but seem to be equally enthused now. Thank you for pulling me through this. I can't tell you how much it helped!