Fresh breakup, tons of confusion...

[2000SVT]

My ex and I dated off and on for about 10 months. It originally started with us working together, but she was laid off a couple of months ago. Since then things really went down hill. She has major commitment / loyalty issues. I know I know, RUN!!! I however, was different than others according to her. She doesn't know what it is, but there's "something about me." Her words. We had discussed prior how'd she feel about a promise ring, and she was ok with it. On v-day I gave her one and she accepted it. Her and her kids spent 3 days / 2 nights with me and my kids that weekend. They've stayed over before, almost every weekend, but not for that length of time. I thought things went well, but right after that she started becoming distant. I didn't see her for another 2 weeks, and our communications declined considerably. Just this last Saturday she ended up. I was likely becoming a little clingy / needy because I could feel her pulling away so I was trying to counteract it. She's always decided she's moving out of state April 1st for a couple of months to visit with family because things just aren't going well for her here. She has 2 younger kids that will remain here during that time, then she might take them with her for a couple of months this summer. So potentially she could be gone for 2 - 4 months. I asked her when she broke up if she'd still consider "us" still, her response was no. So I asked if she'd consider "us" again once she got back on her feet. Her response was "I'm ok with telling you yes to that, I will." I've told her many times I love her, but she's never reciprocated. She's told me twice she loves me, but isn't in love with me and that she does care about me. I've done NC since Saturday, but she's coming to work on Friday to get her sister's laptop I repaired and likely exchange a couple of items.

 

Here are my two questions:

 

1) Do I ask for the promise ring back since she bailed after only 2 weeks? (We aren't talking a cheap one)

 

2) How do I act when I see her Friday? I'm nervous as hell that I'm going to dump on her.

 

I want to know why she's pushed me away completely, when I've done NOTHING wrong and I've been her primary financial support for the past 2 months. I've never put any conditions on my help. I asked her if I did something wrong, she said no you're a really great guy, I just don't have those feelings anymore.

[faraday]

First of all...promise rings are lame if you're over 16...so don't do that again. Either propose, or don't.

 

And yes, you should be entitled to the ring back and you can ask since she broke up with you....if things are that financially rough for her though, she might have pawned it already.

 

It sounds like she's already dumped you. So I would treat her politely, but keep your distance. When you say she has two younger kids that are staying "here" do you mean with you? or in your city? If they're staying with you, you need to tell her to make other arrangements.

 

When someone says they love you but they aren't in love with you...it's time to walk away. She's using you.

[2000SVT]

Trust me, I totally would have just proposed if she would have gone for it. She stated she was ok with a promise ring as a next step otherwise I wouldn't have bothered either.

 

Her kids are staying within the city with their father, not me.

[2000SVT]

Latest update on yesterday's events, looking for advice please!

 

She won't even talk to me know. I wasn't bugging her about "us" but she has continued using my debit card w/out asking. I tried to discuss but she won't. Here is what she text me when I asked why she was treating me this way... "Yu did nothing wrong except ask for to much affection..I can't deal with that.. I can't be Yur friend cause our feelings for One another are total opposite. I dint hate yu.. I'm just not feeling this at all right now" I will see her in a couple of hours just to swap some stuff and I'm so afraid of pushing, begging, pleading, etc....

[professorplum]

Not sure what gives her the right to carry on using your debit card - that is plainly wrong and you need to put a stop to that. This is all sounds very unpleasant and for the moment nothing you can do. She sounds angry. If you weren't bugging her like you say then something in her head has changed. She seems to have processed things and decided you and her are no longer an item. She may ultimately change her mind and then it is up to you to decide what you do.

 

You will feel you deserve some answers this evening but you may not get them. It will be very easy to lose it but do you best not to do that. State your viewpoint calmly, show her that you are not impressed and see what she has to say. Unless you desperately need the money, I would still not mention the ring. You will be told by people to go NC and that seems like the obvious option at this stage. However, this woman appears to be in a state of flux - give her space. This may not be the last you hear of her. Sorry you are having to go through this.

[2000SVT]

Well, the meet happened... We exchanged items and I told her I want to ask her something. I know it was better not to, but I simply asked if the ring still meant anything to her. She said yeah it was a gift. I said yeah but does it mean anything to you. She said do you want me to give it back to you or what? I said if it means nothing yes, but if it means something to her then no. She said yes of course it does or I would have already given it back to you. I said ok,we hugged goodbye, and I told her I miss her. Nothing more. Now of course I can't help but wonder if it's the last time I'll ever see her. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way but it can't be helped.

[faraday]

She's a piece of work. I hope you got your debt card back...if you didn't, please call the bank and cancel it.

 

You need to block this woman from your life. She's manipulative and horrible.

[2000SVT]

I cancelled the card yesterday, so it was kind of pointless to get it back. However, not before she had used it to get gas and pay her car insurance. Would have I said no had she asked? Probably not cause I care. The point is she used it w/out asking, won't even talk to me, and always throws it in my face that we aren't together then does that...

[cryingalways]

I'm wondering if this woman is just walking all over you here. She sounds like she is flighty and she wanted to keep the ring which I'm not sure is a great move considering it's expensive and she wanted to break up. I think you really should go no contact because she knows how you feel for sure and she might just continue to walk all over you with you wanting her back which is always emotionally torturous. Give yourself time to think about what you want now. Do you really want to be with a woman who treats you this way? Who won't even say "I love you" to you?

[2000SVT]

I've been NC since the break up, all communication has really been initiated by her although it was about today's meet. I will not be the one to reach out. I do feel greatly used which makes it hurt even more. Like it was all a giant lie.

[cryingalways]

Ah...the card thing too. Yeah she's sounding like a piece of work now. She's illogical, don't try to figure her out. Just run away! Trust me!

[cryingalways]

I'm sorry you feel that way. Don't take it personally. She is probably like this with everyone, that's very likely actually. It doesn't mean anything about you, other than that you are a nice guy. She is the one with the issues. Not you.

 

x

[2000SVT]

Day 4 NC, and feeling completely forgotten.... UGH this sucks!

[Red Tie]

Day 4 NC, and feeling completely forgotten.... UGH this sucks!

 

You should be glad! You are weak and you know you will break if she contacts you. I hope she refrains contact until you are capable of saying "no" to her when the times comes. Even if it hurts you, it will be for your sake.

Dont think I cant understand where you at this moment. Im still in love with a girl that took some financial advantage of me. If she contacted me within the 2 weeks of NC I would get back to her since I was too emotional about the all thing. Right now, I have the strenght to say "no" if she calls me. Still, I dont want that option to be put on the table. So, bottom line, I hope she doesnt contact me and let things fade like they should. If she does, I will say "no" but it will bring back a lot o things I dont want to. It will set me back.

 

Read this article, it gave me a great perspective of things:

 

link removed

 

I believe you will find some good points in there, trust me.

 

PS bet she will call you when she figures out your debit card isnt working.

[2000SVT]

Thanks for the reply Red Tie. She gave it back to me last Friday, even though it didn't work anymore but she didn't know that....

[2000SVT]

Dammit she broke NC a few minutes ago to ask for help with her son's birthday gift that I got him. Now I have to start all over again =(

[Red Tie]

Dammit she broke NC a few minutes ago to ask for help with her son's birthday gift that I got him. Now I have to start all over again =(

 

You broke contact! YOU! Not her.

You allowed contact to be made.

 

Her son is not your responsability nor the presents. If the presente are your responsability, you should ask the ring back.

 

She is keeping you on a leash to use when needed. Dont allow that. Be strong and walk away. Imagine this you are feeling x10 when she uses you in the future and dumps you again.

You shoulndt of let contact to be made. Block her number.

[2000SVT]

This not being a nice guy is going to be difficult, it's not who I am. I get it's for my own good. My concern too is that if I ignore her or tell her no, it blows any future chances. =\

[2000SVT]

So ex sent me a text Saturday evening "How are you." I waited about 3 hours and replied "Fine" Then nothing further.... Was this just a poke to see if I was still on the hook?