Communication Issues ~ Requesting Opinions & Advice

[Keys13]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am, obviously, new here. Normally, I am one who prefers to talk with people face-to-face when attempting to resolve issues and understand potential short-comings that I may have in my relationships, but my friends have heard my story before and are out of suggestions. So, for anyone who is willing to give me any advice on this subject, please know that I thank you. I thank you very much!

 

Before I begin, please understand that I am a highly committed relationship that I have no intention of "getting out of." This relationship is very important to me, and any advice or opinion that any of you may have to suggest that I simply break-up with my Significant Other is not helpful. Personal growth and relationship growth cannot be achieved if everytime things got rocky we simply split up and found other people. So, here we go...

 

Communication isn't something that I would normally consider an issue in our relationship. My SO and I talk to each other just about every day, and when we do, we find ourselves talking for hours about everything and nothing. However, recently I have begun to notice that my SO has been talking down to me. Regardless of topic or time of day, I feel like the majority of his reactions to my communications is negative. In the beginning, I thought that he was simply talking to me as he would his friends - a little rough, unfeeling, and in jest; but I made it known that I wasn't comfortable being called derogatory things. Now, though, it's become more than that. He has been slighting my intelligence and achievements and perspective for almost a week.

 

Now, I am by no means an overly-sensitive, glass, wall-flower. I can take it just as much as I give it, and am not afraid to voice my mind or my opinions and have a bawdy debate. I love conversation; but when someone who says that he loves me calls me a "fu*king idiot, dumb*ss, or moron," more than once in a while I tend to get a little hurt. It's not so much that I feel he is "deeply wounding" me or trying to take a personal dig at me, but it's gotten to the point where no matter what I say or do, I am the "idiot."

 

Let me just clarify, I'm not on any high-horse here. I don't think I'm better than other people, I don't feel like I deserve better or more or whatever - but I do feel that my intelligence (something that I have been working on for years) is a point of pride for me. I have worked long and hard to get to where I am today, and to have someone call me an idiot/moron/dumb*ss/anything to my face over and over again is just unacceptable.

 

When I brought up the subject again for discussion a few days ago, my SO exploded! I'm talking, unbelievable anger and "awe/disbelief that I would think something like that of him." He explained to me that he always called me those things in jest, in fun, and that he was always teasing. I pointed out to him that his tone was never teasing, and that it might have been taken as a joke or barb if he hadn't been calling me these things on the daily. He then proceeded to call me a liar and the entire conversation went down hill from there; but you get the idea. Our conversatin didn't start out as an emotional one, I didn't attack him, and I don't feel that I gave him any reason to become defensive or to lash out at me.

 

Is there something that I'm missing? Should I just take what he is saying at face value and metaphorically "grow a set?" I don't feel like I'm being an "overly-emotional girl," but I do feel that I am being insulted by my Significant Other - and to me, that isn't okay. I would never call my SO stupid or dumb or fat or any terminology that would give him cause to think that he wasn't wonderful in my eyes. I would never give him reason to doubt that he was 100% loved and wanted in my life. Am I being too sensitive? If not, what can I do to better communicate that this is an unacceptable behavior to me?

[MisUnderstood9]

 

Is there something that I'm missing? Should I just take what he is saying at face value and metaphorically "grow a set?" I don't feel like I'm being an "overly-emotional girl," but I do feel that I am being insulted by my Significant Other - and to me, that isn't okay. I would never call my SO stupid or dumb or fat or any terminology that would give him cause to think that he wasn't wonderful in my eyes. I would never give him reason to doubt that he was 100% loved and wanted in my life. Am I being too sensitive? If not, what can I do to better communicate that this is an unacceptable behavior to me?

 

 

Have you straight up said to him that you dont care if he sees it as teasing or joking or whatever that its is not acceptable as you wouldnt say or call him these things? I dont see how you are being to sensitive at all. You have all right to get upset if you are all those things.

 

My boyfriend only once called me a ****ing idiot, and my anger and outrage of him calling me one stopped him dead in his tracks and has not done it again. You have worked very hard to be as well educated and intelligent as you are - no one, not even your S/O has the right to belittle you.

[Keys13]

Have you straight up said to him that you dont care if he sees it as teasing or joking or whatever that its is not acceptable as you wouldnt say or call him these things?

 

MisUnderstood9 ~

Thank you for your response. Absolutely I have brought this up! I have told him before that I'm not just "one of his buddies," that "what he says matters to me; what he says and how he says it matters." Before the name calling became chronic, I made him aware that I was both uncomfortable and upset that he would think such names were okay to call me.

[MisUnderstood9]

 

MisUnderstood9 ~

Thank you for your response. Absolutely I have brought this up! I have told him before that I'm not just "one of his buddies," that "what he says matters to me; what he says and how he says it matters." Before the name calling became chronic, I made him aware that I was both uncomfortable and upset that he would think such names were okay to call me.

 

His reply to this was? I'm curious. Name calling comes from a subconcious level most of the time. They have been doing it for so long (probably the bully at school or even bullied themselves by a family member) that they know they shouldnt do it but they do it anyways.

Have you ever considered giving him some kind of ultimatium if he doesnt stop? This is verbal abuse he is doing to you. He is belittling you and that is right in a relationship. Is he threatened by you in anyway recently? Could be something as stupid as you getting a raise at work or moving up with in your company where he could feel jealous or threatened and the only way he knows how to feel superior is to call you names?... All of this can be found in children pychology books, its a common thing that children do when they feel threaten or jealous of another child (not saying your S/O is a child), they lash out and call the other a name to hurt them to try and make themselves feel superior.

[mhowe]

In a committed relationship one must still set boundaries.

And if your SO continues to cross them if is a sign of blatant disrespect.

 

Only you can decide if his new means of communication is acceptable.

And if not...what you are willing to do.

Obviously.. having a discussion with him on several occasions has proven fruitless.

 

We teach others how to treat us. Inconsistent boundary enforcement is akin to acceptance.

[catfeeder]

When you start off your post stating that you're not willing to walk away from such abusive mistreatment, what's left for anyone to say?

 

That's apparently something he's well aware of, and it's because of that he will only continue to treat you worse over time.

 

What's deep in the well is what comes up through his mouth. This isn't about communication--this is a much bigger problem.

[abitbroken]

You need to stop "pointing things out to him" and set a boundary. "If you want to call me a moron or a . That is your choice. But if you do, I am going to go in the other room and do something else instead of continuing the conversation". or whatever it is. And stick to it. Don't whine. Don't cry. Just nonchalantly go do that other thing you wanted to do. And don't cave. Read your book. Catch up on your show. Or go shopping early. All done in a calm demeanor. No stomping. If you leave the house, just pick up your keys like you normally would and calmly say with a smile "i will see you later."

 

Try that and if he doesn't wise up on the 100th time you set and stick to your boundary, then I know you don't want to hear this - but you should leave. If someone argues with you that you SHOULD take verbal abuse or name calling because they justify that they really don't mean it and you should take it - then he doesn't deserve you. A man with respect would say "sorry, i didn't realize i was hurting you. I will stop that"

 

There is a BIG difference between someone who peppers their language with expletives because that is just the way they talk - versus someone who discredits you, turns things around and makes you into being the unreasonable one for wanted to be treated with the absolute most basics of respect. (someone who would make a pirate blush with their language could actually be a respectful person in a relationship if they are not swearing AT their SO and treat them with respect)

 

Believe me, i was with the guy who started out with saying "Think!" and "that's a stupid thing" and graduated to "i sometimes don't think you know how to think" "you can't handle life" "You are stupid" "even a toddler could do that, what is your problem". And so much more. Even making weird faces in public if was wearing something he didn't like, and making a scene about it. and it got WAAAY worse than that. That was the mild stuff.

 

I know you have yourself "invested" but time in with a guy doesn't make him respect you. He respects you less because he knows that he can treat you like this because you are "invested" so you will take it. He doesn't fear he will lose you because he knows you won't go.

 

I vowed to myself to never be with someone who thinks so little of me - or of himself that he treats me like garbage. Ever. Again.