Am I holding on to nothing? Should I walk away?

[mazzeldazzle]

I feel I need to write on something like this to stop me from obsessing all day. I'm sorry if its long! But I would really appreciate some advice/support/experiences....

 

Me and the ex boyfriend are in our late 20's. I also have a young(ish) child. I have had my fair share of long term relationships and have previously been married. I have got my "bachelorette" days out of my system, I am comfortable with myself and my career and I am ready to settle down. My ex on the other hand had not been in any form of long term relationship for years before we met. He is a sensitive soul who takes a while to open up. I guess I was his first real adult relationship - so a lot to take on for your first experience! He is not so secure in terms of his career, life long goals, and only moved out of his parents last year.

 

When we met we had instant chemistry. We clicked and fell in love pretty hard and pretty fast and I guess we were both rather smitten. I think deep down though he always had an internal battle and doubts with me as a package, taking on a child, whether he wanted to travel some more, whether he was ready to settle down. This in itself wasn't a problem for me as long as he was committed in other ways.

 

We were together for just over a year, and the last few months were rather rocky indeed. We butted heads over our expectations for a relationship. This was all new to him - but with each month it improved. He started getting involved in my sons life, wanted to help around the house, and I was a part of his family. I would say that I was far more a part of HIS family and HIS friends rather than the other way around... but I didn't mind so much.

 

Now a bit of background on this chap - he has a history of anxiety and depression. I think he also has a form of OCD (relationship) which often materialised in anxiety when thinking of the future, questioning his feelings constantly (not just to me, he once questioned whether he loved his family when he clearly does) - he would get himself into such a state that he didnt know what he felt and I think he put pressures on himself internally. I guess this caused him to always have one foot in and one foot out. But it was inconsistent, he was clearly in turmoil with his feelings. He would question the whole concept of "love" and what this is but on the other hand would cry like a baby at a soppy email. I KNOW that this man loved me.

 

For me, he is the love of my life. He is without a doubt the worse boyfriend I have ever had in many ways but, is the only man I have loved unconditionally flaws and all. He means the world to me and I know we were more than capable of being happy as I experienced it with him. We often reflected on how we clicked and how neither of us had ever felt this way before. The problem, was that he CONSTANTLY analysed everything. He over thought, he obsessed, he allowed obsessive and intrusive thoughts to come into his mind which would totally throw him off balance. And if I am honest, towards the end he did not treat me all that well and admits this himself.

 

He ended things in November after a huge explosive row where if I am honest, I totally overreacted and was vile to him. I was a crazy person. He twoed and throwed for a month or so, but returned in December, stating that he had never been in more pain without me, that he was now sure that he loved me and that things were going to change. The problem was, they didn't. He almost became more standoffish, and meanwhile, I was even more sensitive and vulnerable and needed reassurance. I should have at this point taken things more easy, but I expected more. I thought this epiphany meant something.

 

Things were rocky, we had amazing moments scattered through dark horrible days. He decided later on he didnt know if he loved me. It was painful. It was horrible, and all I wanted was for him to stop taking me for granted. He told me mid January, that he did want to be with me. That for some reason when he thinks about things it makes him incredibly anxious and he wants to take each day. But that he did want me. Didnt want to lose me. He did say though, that sometimes he thinks he should lose me for real so he can really appreciate true loss. I think in some ways this is true.

 

The original break up was awful. He blocked me out. Blocked my phone number, my facebook. But I later found out that he had been an absolute state without me. The problem is, here we are again. And this time its been over 3 weeks. I am struggling greatly to just think "ok then its over" because I know the turmoil he has been in and I know in my heart that we are connected. I want to be there for him in his time of trouble, his anxiety is bad right now, hes had feelings of worthlessness and anger, and has been referred for therapy.

 

Part of me thinks this guy doesnt love you, perhaps never did, hes an *******. The other part of me thinks hes confused, hes trying to protect himself, something is still there.... but I just dont know.

 

He has cut me out completely and in a real cruel way. I havent been able to get closure or the answers I need. Hes gone from crying on my doorstep saying he just wants to make me happy to being cold and emotionless and saying "your not the one for me" - I just think this is bollocks. I know for a fact he has never had a connection with anyone like he did with me. I feel like shaking him upside down but he hasnt responded to any email text or phonecall and I am now blocked from his life entirely.

 

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have stopped contacting him, but instead I am constantly looking for answers elsewhere. I cant sleep, I cant eat, Im jepordising my career because I cant focus. I spend all day googling and searching and obsessing. I go to sleep crying and wake up still in tears. I cant go on like this I know I cant. But, I feel like he is my one. Is that stupid? To feel this way about someone who has vanished off the planet? He knows that our relationship broke down because he took me for granted, but rather than try and fix it, its like hes given up and ran away.

 

My questions are:

 

1) how can I get through this grief and feel hope again?

2) Will he ever contact me again?

3) Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

 

Should I give up on him? Stupidly, I feel like IM the one abandoning him when he needs me.... but you cant be there when they wont allow you to.

 

I really appreciate your advice

[jphcbpa]

Ask yourself. Why would you want to be in a R with someone who does not want to be with you? Who runs away when things get tough and is not willing to work on things. You cannot fix him. It is time to drop some knowledge on your dome and learn about you. Yes, stay strict NC and heal up. Start redirecting your energy into yourself. It is time to start journaling and reading books like, "Getting Past Your Break Up, Journey from Abandonment to Healing"

[sharky988]

I agree. He's blocked you everywhere and told you that it's over and as painful as that is, your best course now is to work on accepting that.

 

I think the experience of shock and pain and denial is pretty much what most people who are posting here have been through. So, you WILL get over it, in time. In time your eating and sleeping will normalize too. It takes a while, but it does happen. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to try and exercise -- that's going to help you feel better, chemically.

 

Don't think that you ever need to hear from him again to get "closure." Most people don't get the answers they need during or after a breakup -- because most Dumpers aren't really being 100% honest about what they're doing and why. Closure is something you'll give yourself eventuallly, when you're healed and ready to move on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting and keep reading through threads here! It helps.

[jphcbpa]

Accept what is, Let go of what was and have faith in what will be.

 

The journey is tough, but try to be thankful for what you are going to learn (this will grow you), that you know how he really feels and that you are now free to move on and find someone more compatible. Make a gratitude list and read/add to it daily.