intimate with ex--please help

[antigone77]

Hi guys -- You all give really wonderful advice, so I thought I'd ask your opinions on this:

 

My ex and I broke up about three and a half months ago. Actually, I broke up with him because I was overwhelmed by the problems we were having (commitment issues) and he made it permanent.

 

He came to visit for Thanksgiving, and we were extremely passionate, and intimate many, many times over three days. And we had a blast! Not a single argument, just fun.

 

The first night he was here, we had a discussion and he said that he didn't see us getting back together for a long, long time. He did say he still loves me and is still in love with me, though. Just can't stand the thought of all that pain again.

 

Yet when he left, he was crying, and he was wearing a shirt I gave him nearly a year ago. And a ball cap I gave him. And he kissed me passionately.

 

He has called often since he left.

 

I will be going home and plan on seeing him on his birthday. I know he still loves me. I, unfortunately, still love him but am beginning to get a tough shell where he is concerned. Also -- he is going with me to my brother's wedding Jan. 1.

 

What should I do???? Spend most of my time seeing him, or just visit for a day or two and then go see other friends?

 

Thank you so much for any help!

[Switch187]

Well being intimate with an ex is never a good thing. It always causes mixed feelings/emotions to one person, while the other thinks it's just some sex between people that already know how to please each other. When me and my g/f were first intimate during our break up (it was like 3 weeks after we broke up, and the first time we saw each other in 2 weeks) it ended up just making things worse after that. Sure that night she said she wanted to have sex with me, since I'm the only guy she wants to do that with plus I can please her in ways she knows no one will ever be able to do. I wanted to have sex with her becasue I was drunk, lonely, and horny. The next day though she started to make me feel like we were back together even though we weren't, then when I confronted her about it, it just turned into a fight and we eneded up back were we started, not talking and seeing each other for another week. Anyways, being intimate was a mistake, as you can see how he reacted when he left. I know you two have plans to go to your bros wedding next month, but I think you should have a serious talk with him before attending it. You need to let him know how you feel about him (still loving him but not wanting to anymore) as well as let him know that you two should no longer be intimate with each other for now (who knows you two could become "friends with benifits" but that is a hard thing as well). Just visit him for a bit to get all these things out and find out whats really going on in each of your heads, especially after the few nights you had together, then take things from there.

[thunda]

Yup. You have to decide where you really want this relationship to end up. You have to make a tough decision maybe and whatever decision you make, stick to your guns. If you really do wanna be with him then talk and get his side of it. If you don't want that then you gotta let the guy know and make the decisions that will lead you in the direction you want this relationship to go. No good being intimate if you don't want this relationship.

[Mun]

If you don't love him anymore and you don't want to be with him then don't play with his feelings and get yourself caught up with him again. I say this because you say you still have feelings for him "unfortunately"... sounds to me like you wish you didn't. If you keep having sex with him then you will just be dragging out the break up in a sense.

You made your decision, now you need to respect it.

 

If your feelings for him have changed then that's another story...

 

Mun

[Girly]

I can speak with recent experience. My ex and I broke up a few months ago because of a lot of confussion and he let it get the better of him, so he decided to call it quits and I just gave up....wasn't going to fight it anymore; it was too painful. We decided to be friends and the first evening he came over we ended up being intimate-he took that as a sign of getting back together. I, however, am happy with the way my life fell right back into place; going out with my friends, focusing a little more on my school work, and I feel so much better about taking an internship that's coming up. Point here is: I regret being intimate because it was like breaking up all over again. Usually when people break up and get back together, they fall into this trap of going back to old habbits, etc. It becomes a routine: break up, back together, break up, back together. There's no end to that circle. And most of the time you end up loosing so much of yourself. I've done it before and I saw myself falling back into that this last time. I feel lucky to have caught it now so I can stop it...doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it's better to look at the long term vs. the here and now satisfaction. Of course I love him, I always will. I believe once you love someone, they will always be special to you. After all, they have influenced your life one way or another whether you like it or not. The thing about the wedding I"d be a little weery about because a wedding is a sensual ceremony and I know sometimes can make people think things and intamacy usually is what the end of the evening leads up to if there's any history of that between the person you go with. THere's my thoughts for now....

[Day_Walker]

You need to make a decision and be firm. After you make this decision you need to not vasilate, be mature and take responsibility for the decisions that you have made.

[antigone77]

I think I'm trying to steel myself up for more rejection, frankly. I would love to get back together, but I don't see him changing his mind, I guess.

[antigone77]

Hi guys -- just looking for some support.

 

I was doing REALLY well for a while, but now I'm getting really depressed again. I miss my boyfriend SO MUCH that it is making dating and moving on impossible! I keep thinking about all that intimacy and closeness and connection, and it's all gone.

 

And I don't know if he will ever let us get it back.

 

That kind of connection is so rare for me, and I just don't know what to do. I'm very, very lonely and don't even want to go out anymore.

 

Please help! Thanks.