Confused & Conflicted

[akrngrl]

So I started talking to this guy at the end of October, and we got/get along great. We only went on two "dates", but we texted all the time. I originally didn't pursue it only because we got along SO well and I felt like I could go to him for anything, that I didn't want to ruin it by a. him possibly not feeling the same way or b. it not working out and then I lose someone I've grown really close too (that sounds lame, but a majority of my past relationships have gone that route and it really really sucks). I was also a little intimidated by him. Apparently on this second date he tried to go in for a kiss and I "cheeked" him, which I had no idea and was completely unintentional (I thought he was going in for a hug).

 

He got me off my lazy butt on Valentine's Day to go out to a bar with him and his male friend. When I got there, he ended up seeing an old female friend of his who was there with her best friend. His friend was instantly in "lust" with the female friend and her friend was all about the guy I went to meet up with. It was a whole night of awkward and I basically felt like a fifth wheel all night. He didn't kiss her or anything, but she grabbed him to dance with her and they spent a good deal of time talking. I caught him outside and in his drunken state he admitted that he had tried to kiss me the last time we got together and I "cheeked" him and how bummed he was about it because he's told me numerous times how awesome he thinks I am. In regards to the other girl, it was one of those "I don't think you like me and someone does so I'm going to entertain her" type moments. Long story short, he finally kissed me and we went back to his house to watch a movie and cuddle and make out. He was legitimately upset because he was leaving in a week to go around the country with a band and "all the time we could have been kissing if it wasn't misinterpreted".

 

I ended up spending a majority of this past week with him, going to dinner, the movies, I stayed over his house (which feels a little forward seeing as how we technically didn't start being "couple-y" until a few days before, but we'd kept in very close contact for four months so at the same time it wasn't as if I didn't know him. He's a total gentleman and super sweet, which I wasn't expecting because most of our friendship we were being brash and screaming things and hating the world together (which is why I was initially intimidated to want to be his girlfriend).

 

My issue is that now he's gone for two months and then he's home for two weeks before he goes away for another month-month and a half. I didn't want to push the issue of "what are we?" on top of him preparing to leave and all the stress involved in that as well as just enjoying the time that we both stopped being lame-os about our feelings for each other. Not that I needed to know if we were ~official, but I don't want to sit here and pine for that amount of time or turn down other dates thinking we're gonna be something if we're not. I also don't want to "over romanticize" what we did only to have him come back less than enthused about my existence. I asked for a shirt of his before he went away and in the midst of all the chaos (and his self-proclaimed horrible memory) he remembered. He introduced me as a friend to everyone, which I get that there isn't really an in between when introductions are quickly happening, it's friend or girlfriend most of the time. He constantly told me that he liked me, and how awesome I was and that as long as I didn't fall in love while he was away he was sure he'd still like me when he got back.

 

I guess I can just really see myself with him and I don't want to spend all this time subconsciously thinking about it. Should I bring something up when he comes home for two weeks? So far we text a decent amount while he's been away, but this isn't something I think should be brought up through text message. I don't even necessarily know if it should be brought up while he's home for that short time, but I realistically can't imagine waiting until he's back all together. I hate that I'm thinking so much about it and reading so far into it because I initially wasn't worried and now I have moments where I'm super worried. Also, how do I bring it up? I feel like beating around the bush is kind of useless, but I know he's going to be exhausted and a ton of people are going to want to see him so I don't want to just saddle him with "hey, I know you're here for a short time and your world is upside down and you're having the time of your life, but what are we?"

 

Any help is appreciated, thank you.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah ... definitely don't text him/say that to him. You don't NEED to know 'what are we?' just yet. You need to get to know him as a potential bf. So just let things flow, affirming that you enjoy your time together.

 

But while you are in this limbo, I wouldn't be sleeping with him though.

 

After he returns more permanently, if you want to be in a relationship, you can talk to him about that.

[akrngrl]

Thank you for your input! I did already sleep with him, which may have not been the brightest move on my part, but I think I was caught up in the moment and the fact that I have liked him, and we've known each other for four months and he had wanted to kiss me all that time got the better of me. Originally I NEVER thought I could be someone who could be in a relationship with someone that left for tour or whatnot for any extended period of time, but now I'm realizing it's not the "What is he doing?" that's eating me alive, it's the "What if I'm waiting around here like an idiot and it's all for nothing?" I feel like it's going to take us the 3+ months to realistically figure out what most can do in 3+ weeks of continual dating, all while I'm thinking everything is going great. Even when it regularly falls apart it still seems like you put so much time and effort into the situation, I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when he comes back if it's just like "nahhh". I'm trying to act cool and figure out what to say so I get my point accross, but aren't too direct and it's just freaking me out haha.

[Ms Darcy]

Well the sex is now probably making you more anxious because it chemically attaches you to the other person. I would advise you to just relax. Can't take the sex back but you can slow things down (e.g. no more sex). Just relax.