3 weeks of NC, how do I reply to him?

[happygirl1]

Knew each other for 5 years. After that we were together for 6 years. About a year ago, I guess the spark left. I started feeling taking for granted. He told me he was talking to someone else. I broke up. But technically, it's like he dumped me and I only found out when he was secure in his new relationship. I went no contact for about two months. The only reason I contacted him after that was because it was his birthday.

 

For six months after that, I only responded to his contact occasionally and did not initiate. With him ditching me for someone else, I didn't want to get used to talking to him. He seemed to be happy with thinking I'll always be there. He has always claimed that I am his best friend.

 

In this occasional contact, he improved on keeping in touch. This could be because there was no effort on my side. I still don't feel any spark. Recently, a series of events mirrored what happened when he first started talking to someone else. To spare myself from that, I broke off all communication and have yet to reply or pick up any of his calls.

 

It's been this way for the past three weeks. He has contacted me throughout. I have not replied.

 

Any time I have gone no contact (a total of four times, including these past two times), he comes up with some crisis to get me to talk. Out of the past 3 crises, only one was legit. He's likely to come up with something again.

 

Have done no contact with him so much, I'm not even dying to hear his voice or anything. I have made a lot of effort to reach this stage. I have my life back. I care about him but my happiness is not dependent on him. Though obviously, the whole reason of this post is, I am still attached to him.

 

I have learned so many things. But the following I don't know. My question now is, if history repeats itself and he contacts me with some crisis, how can I respond so that

 

1) my self respect is maintained

2) what I say does not give the impression that all is back to our previous status and he can take me for granted

3) After our last period of NC, I maintained my distance so that we could have a fresh start. Where this fresh start would lead, I really didn't think about.

If I would respond, how could I respond to help get the spark back?

 

If we can't move forward and recreate a new relationship together, I don't want to do anything to make me his backup plan. I rather not respond.

Thanks for reading this. Any comments would help.

[ParisPaulette]

Truthfully if in all of this he hasn't come back to you then it's likely never going to happen. And at this stage of the game would you really want him to or would you always wonder or worry that what happened before is going to happen again? If the answer is yes then NC is really the way to go. Otherwise just a simple text back of the words you yourself posted here: "I have made a lot of effort to reach this stage. I have my life back. I care about you, but my happiness is not dependent on you. Don't contact me, I'll contact you if I never need to."

 

After that you block and delete him and keep on with your healing. It's hard to let go of a long relationship, but unless you are getting something out of staying in touch that enhances your life there's no reason to stay in touch. And you don't need to be his emotional blanket since it sounds like he runs to you and/or keeps in touch with you as a cushion against life's hardships. But he gave up the right of your comfort when he left you for someone else, so don't you think it's time he gets to live with the consequences of his actions.

 

Also when you get interested in someone in the future if you keep in touch with him chances are better than not that he'll try and talk you out of it or ruin it in some way, not because he wants you back but because then he wouldn't have you as his fallback girl. It's pretty selfish of him to break up with you for someone else and expect you to stay his friend, so I don't think anyone except maybe him is going to agree or even fault you for staying no contact. Sooner or later we all have to cut the cord.

[ThatwasThen]

Have done no contact with him so much

The irony in that statement is you haven't even gone NC at all.

 

No Contact means NO contact. You read all his attempts to hoover you back in on his terms of NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE.

 

Why don't to block and delete him from being able to reach you at all and then you can really start your NO contact so that you can eventually get to the stage of indifference to him and his drama.

 

He demoted you from being his girlfriend to some sort of sounding board that he keeps around for some ego thing that only he knows may be.

 

Keep your self-respect by not allowing, by not enabling him to keep doing to you what he does. You owe him NOTHING now... not even the courtesy of reading his manipulative BULL.

 

Respect yourself enough to stop being manipulated by him. ZERO contact from here on out. ZERO.

[happygirl1]

You are right. The lines I made bold are not only true, but are things I will re-read any time I feel weak. Very true. It's crazy how since I'm part of the situation, I have ignored the reality of the situation. Thanks for telling me. It really helps.

[happygirl1]

The irony in that statement is you haven't even gone NC at all.

 

No Contact means NO contact. You read all his attempts to hoover you back in on his terms of NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE.

 

He demoted you from being his girlfriend to some sort of sounding board that he keeps around for some ego thing that only he knows may be.

 

Keep your self-respect by not allowing, by not enabling him to keep doing to you what he does. You owe him NOTHING now... not even the courtesy of reading his manipulative BULL.

 

Respect yourself enough to stop being manipulated by him. ZERO contact from here on out. ZERO.

 

I put in bold things I didn't even realize. If he didn't know I read his attempts, it never occurred to me that reading his emails has an effect on me. But, you are absolutely right. Even if he doesn't know it now, in the past, I did "enable" him to manipulate me. To prevent myself from falling into that trap, you are right. I need to adopt the no contact you have shown me.

 

I guess reading everything made it feel like we did have something. And, I was secretly hoping to one day read something that made it look like things would be better. Not talking to him seems easier than what I'm about to do. Looks like I never gave up hope. You are right though. I have completely become his sounding board. The way I had validated it in my mind was our friendship was our underlying basis of our relationship. But, the reality is what you correctly stated, I was "demoted".

 

Thank you for your insight. I really needed that.

[ThatwasThen]

^^^ You should change your screen name to Smartgirl... cause ya are...

[happygirl1]

^^^ You should change your screen name to Smartgirl... cause ya are...

 

Couldn't have been worthy of that compliment without your input! You brought a smile to my face...Thanks!