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Very confused and not sure where to go from here...


TerryIs

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Hi everyone, I'm new here. Never posted here before, in fact never really been on a relationship forum before. But I wanted to share the experience Ive had over the past 6 to 8 months and get some opinions on it from people more experienced than me. This will probably be kinda long, I'll try to edited down as best as possible, but I really do want to tell the whole story as clearly as possible. Also editing isn't my strong point. I'll try...

 

So anyways, last year I was working (no longer am), and around last April, this girl who was somewhat new at my work place started talking to me on facebook. I pretty much new she had a crush on me before she started talking to me but we never really spoke much before this at work. I had been single for almost 3 years at this point (I'm 23 and Ive only been in 2 to 3 relationships, depending on what you consider a true relationship I guess), and when she started talking to me I new she wanted me and I decided to act on it. i found her attractive and I found out we have A LOT in common (possibly more than any previous relationship I had been in). We started hanging out and it was great. I should also note that she had just recently got out of a 3 year relationship (possibly may have left him for me, but I never knew this and still don't for sure, she said they had problems etc). We were "together" for the whole summer, from June till pretty much September 1st. The reason why I put quotes around together is because we never officially went into a relationship. We talked about it for the future, but it never came to be. Still, we talked every day, from morning till late late at night before bed. We saw each other about 3 times a week, sometimes more, and we we're physical. We had so many things in common it seemed so perfect. We both really really liked each other. It practically was a relationship, even if not technically. Anyways, it ended it September. What happened was she met some other guy and right away left me for him out of no where. It hurt... real bad. I talked to her a few more times after, tried to confront her and get "closure" or whatever, then in October went NC.

 

From October till last month, we had NC at all. The first month was brutal, It was really hard and it hurt. After that I realized I had been through breakups before and started to move on a feel better. I never got completely over her, but I got to the point where thoughts of her didn't effect my every day life anymore. This was actually the first time I ever did the NC thing. In the past Ive kept contact with ex's for years, 1 I'm actually really good friends with, the other we finally lost touch about a year ago. Anyways, I never blocked this girl from FB, but I did get rid of her number and stopped talking for 4 months. Now her and this guy she left me for broke up in November after about a 2 month relationship. I saw this on my fb wall, I wasn't stocking her it just came up. When that happened it late November I got a strong urge to talk to her, but I decided not too just let it pass and continued to move on. Then last month, 4 months after it ended, and of NC, she finally sent me a FB message. I debated for about 15 minutes whether or not I should answer, then I did. She asked me how I was, I did the same, and we talked for maybe an hour then stopped. Then a few days later she messaged me again... then again... and then 1 more time. She was mostly talking to me about her new kittens she was having and sending me pictures (she's a cat lover) and I kept responding. Then 1 time she said to me... "I wish you could come here and meet them". I was really confused, and I responded to her, but I kinda just pretended she never said that. Then after this, she stopped talking to me to me for 2 weeks.

 

For those 2 weeks after contact, she was on my mind all over again. I kept thinking about her and how she spoke to me, and even said she wanted to see me again. Even though I was still hurt about what she did to me I would be lying if I said I didn't want to see her again. No matter how bad she hurt me I honestly would forget about it and give her another shot. I tend to be very forgiving, even to a fault you could say. I never said anything like that to her, nor did I ever tell her I missed her. I tried not to sound weak in any way. So 2 weeks go by and we don't talk, and then 1 week from last night I just couldn't get her off my mind. All last Saturday night I was thinking about her and couldn't sleep, so I gave in and I sent her a message saying "hey". She responded and we had a lot of friendly conversation for about 2 hours. Eventually she said we should hang out and have a few drinks at her house sometime. I said it could be arranged if she wanted and she replied saying we'll do it sometime soon. For the rest of this past week, we've been talking. It's mostly been me initiating contact with her, except last Thursday she started talking to me. She's apparently been a bit of a shut in lately. Hasn't really been seeing people or even talking to people much. She's told me a few times she was lonely and stuff like that and I tried to comfort. So few days after saying she wanted to hang out I asked her if she still wanted too and she said yes she did, but then I asked when and I got no reply, and still haven't. Obviously, this confused the hell out of me. I don't really know what to make of it. She says she wants to hang, but it seems like shes really unsure if she actually wants to.

 

So I want to ask you all what should I do from here? How can i get a straight answer? Should I just go back to NC and just consider all this just a silly mistake and move on? Obviously I don't want the latter, but I understand it might have to be that way. I don't know, any kind of advice here would be appreciated. I don't know what's going on in her mind. She hasn't apologized to me for leaving me for someone else that didn't even work out, but she obviously feels guilty to at least some extent. I don't think she would have spoke to me again if she didn't. She seems to want to see me, but then isn't sure and may back out last second. What should I do, where should I go from here? Thanks...

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She doesn't seem to really know what she wants. She may not be emotionally mature enough to really have the kind of relationship you want. It was pretty selfish of her to move on so quickly and leave you in the dust.

 

My advice here would be to communicate with her. Everything you've said here, say to her. Honestly tell her what you are looking for and that you were hurt by her actions before, and get a feel for what she thinks about that. Be up front and honest, just lay it all out because if you don't you will be playing ping-pong with your heart and emotions for a long time.

 

The best way to get a straight answer is to straight up ask her what her intentions behind contacting you were. She needs to not be so flaky.

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She doesn't seem to really know what she wants. She may not be emotionally mature enough to really have the kind of relationship you want. It was pretty selfish of her to move on so quickly and leave you in the dust.

 

Yeah. It's strange because as I said before, she was just in a 3 year relationship not long ago. That tells me she is capable deep down, but at the same time she seems to be in a more chaotic state of mind lately.

 

My advice here would be to communicate with her. Everything you've said here, say to her. Honestly tell her what you are looking for and that you were hurt by her actions before, and get a feel for what she thinks about that. Be up front and honest, just lay it all out because if you don't you will be playing ping-pong with your heart and emotions for a long time.

 

The best way to get a straight answer is to straight up ask her what her intentions behind contacting you were. She needs to not be so flaky.

 

Yeah I guess that does make the most since. I'll wait a few days, see if she says anything to me, then if she doesn't I guess I'll just be straight up with her and ask if she REALLY wants to or not, and if not then we shouldn't keep talking I guess.

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You are the rebound guy who she gets in touch with when she's lonely and bored. It actually is significant that you were never in a relationship. It's because she didn't want one with you. And she still doesn't.

 

Go for it if you want, but you will just get left behind again when she heals and finds someone she wants to commit to.

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I do agree that she doesn't want you, at least not in the way you want her. I would say that she's using you to feel better about herself because she knows you care. So you deserve someone better.

 

With that being said, it doesn't hurt to tell her how you feel. You can get a lot out of a person from their reactions and body language (hopefully you can meet in person). Tell her that you like her but that you were hurt by her actions and be sure to tell her what you want from her if you get back together, i.e., a relationship for example (if that's what you want).

 

And remember, if she found a guy and left you for him so fast she might have been seeing him while you were together so just be sure to tell her what you want. If she doesn't respond or leaves you hanging again, I'd say she doesn't care and you should move on.

 

Just because she's great doesn't mean there isn't another great girl out there for you, even greater maybe. It's all about timing and being ready so don't rush things and don't feel bad. You're still young.

 

Good luck.

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she had just recently got out of a 3 year relationship

 

This girl is not dating material and you've found out why.

 

You're not learning the lesson.

 

I'd go NC and let her healing process run its course--she's going to grab onto one guy after another until she pipes down and does what she's supposed to do to stop using people as distractions from herself.

 

That could take a year or more.

 

You need to move on, and don't set yourself up as someone's rebound again.

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I know you do not want to hear this, but from what you wrote I would ask you to please move on and remove her from your life. She didn't want to officially say that you two were in a relationship and then she went and dropped you for another guy. It sounds like she really didn't care about you then, and the only reason she's contacting you now is because she's lonely and feeling down on herself.

 

However, I absolutely understand that you want to know what she's thinking or to get some type of closure. I would tell her how you feel and ask for her to give you an honest answer on what's she thinking. Make it clear that you don't want to play any games and that you just want the truth.

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