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Lost in a Dark State of Mind


LonelyRay

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Hi everyone,

I came here after searching things on Google about why I still hurt. I decided to come here and post, though I fear I know what many of you would say, heck, I know what I would say if someone came to me with the issues I am having. Problem is, I don't think I can. Let me explain.

I met her 4 years and 3 months ago, almost to the day, her name is Megan. She is so beautiful and this is harder than I thought. As I type, tears are falling onto my keyboard. When I met her she had a fiance, though I didn't know that, I was under the impression that they were just BF/GF. The thing is, he treated her terribly. I told her she deserved better, and the next thing I knew, we were kissing on my family room floor, with a bottle of wine, and accross The Universe playing in the background. It was perfect and it was fake.

See what I didn't know was that she had a drug problem, and for the first year of our relationship, she kept this hidden from me, I know, I should've known, but they were pain pills. No excuse, though for me it was harder to notice, especially since she had a knee brace on from an injury that seemed to be permanent. Fast forward to April of our second year together, she argued with me about where her pills were, saying I stole them, but I didn't, thats when I knew it was a problem. So she told me to take her to work, she might have left them there. I told her no, and tossed her my car keys. I didn't think she would go, but I was not an expert in addiction. She took my car, and the next time I heard from her, she was on her way home, asking me to look around for the pills, they weren't at work. I told her no and that we would discuss it when she got home. Then I heard a bump, and her screaming for help through the phone. I dropped my phone, and ran outside, I had no idea where I was going, but I knew she needed me. I lived in a court, and there were many ways to get to my house, but for some reason I turned left. After about a block, I found my car, flipped and a few people outside of their homes. I ran to the car, and she was there asking me to get her out. The people came and pulled me away telling me not to touch her, but she needed me, I had to save her, so I pushed them away and tried to pull her out. Before I could get her out, the police showed up, and I didn't dare push them.

She ended up doing one night in jail, and forced to pay a hefty fine, and complete a rehab program. She remained clean, being the youngest and most successful in her rehab out patient program. To this day she says it is because of the support I gave her through the whole process, but she doesn't know that I supported her because I love her more than anything in this life.

As the last year we were together went on, we ran into other problems, but I thought we would make it through. Her family began to hate me, due to an argument her sister and I got into, and I became banned from their house. That made it hard for Megan to see me, she lived with them, and it became a burden her always coming to me. I told her that if she couldn't stand up to her parents, and move in with me, than she didn't care about me the way that I do her. See, her parents pay her insurance, and her mother told her if she moved out with me, than they would stop paying. I couldn't afford her insurance and mine, plus my rent and everything else, even with her help. I thought we would find a way to make it work though. After a year of this, I decided it was time to break up with her, though it wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted her to stand up for us, I wanted her to be there by my side, and I still do.

It has been 7 months since we broke up, and I found out she got pregnant accidentally. However, she doesn't believe in abortion, so she is keeping the child. How do I know this? because we still talk, and I told her I want to be with her, and that I still love her. I write a poem for her everyday that we are not together, and send them to her. She is everything to me, and I still cry myself to sleep over her. She told me there is a chance we could get back together, she told me that she still loves me to, she just doesn't know what to do because she cares about this other guy now too. I thought I should do the right thing and walk away, but I can't, love is selfish at all times, and I am running with that very idea. Her current boyfriend also doesn't deserve her, he is a drug addict and he keeps slipping, he can't even help her with the baby stuff, and the baby isn't even born. In fact, I was the one who helped her find insurance and a pediatrician for the baby. Though the last time we talked was four days ago, longest time since we started talking again about 3 months ago, she told me we shouldn't talk for a while, especially with everything her boyfriend is going through, she says she needs to be there for him, the way I was there for her. I told her it isn't the same since I was only gambling with my life and not a child's as well. She got defensive and started telling me it wasn't my business. I told her I am sorry, and I haven't called or text her since she asked me not to, she told me she would call or text me when she is ready to talk again.

I don't know what to do, I love her so much, it hurts, literally. My throat always has a lump in it, and my heart aches, well my chest does anyway. Every single thing I do reminds me of her, the way a song you know is always there all you need is to hear the music and you can sing along. A commercial, a movie title, a song, my house, my room, my shower, everything has her, except me. I want to reach out and touch her, I want to feel her soft skin beneath my fingertips, and her lips pressed against mine. I want her laugh to flow through me, bringing sunshine and joy into my soul. Why? Why does it hurt, and please, tell me how to make it stop, because I am afraid she may never come back.

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Hi and welcome.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. I know how much it hurts.

 

What advice would you give to someone else in your situation? I think you'd tell them that despite the depth of your feelings for her, she's still involved with someone else, even knowing how you feel. That's pretty much the last word, as far as I can tell.

 

I hope you'll keep posting, it really helps to get it out and also there's great advice and support here. Here's also a guide you can read in the meantime, which many people find helpful: link removed

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