Confused and lost

[Julian74]

Okay so this might be a long message. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months now. Along the way we have had a lot of trouble. She broke up with me for a few reasons, defending her in front of a guy that abused her, being jealous, constant fighting, and one more important thing. Back in September we had a giant argument and she told me that I drove her insane and that she no longer wanted to be a part of this relationship. So I took that as a break up. I felt so strongly about this girl so when that happened I panicked and didn't know what to do. I went and messaged an old fling and told her I wanted to get back with her and that I missed her. I did this because I didn't wanna feel the pain of losing the best girlfriend I've ever had. So she found out about 2 weeks ago about this and she instantly broke up with me. She said she feels cheated and betrayed. I get that it wasn't the best thing to do but I got desperate and panicked. Throughout the relationship i made the mistake of letting a past relationship where I got cheated on carry into this relationship now. So I had my trust issues and sort of showed her that. It wasn't anything over the top but I just asked her if she could be open about things with me and if she felt that something was important to please tell me. So after awhile of fighting she started to change. More recently she has been dealing with a lot of stress. She has a neck sprain, her friends all abandoned her and she feels alone. So I've been trying to help her and be there for her. Things like buying her a cute gift or surprising her with food. Which for the moment helps. But last night we were together and she received a snapchat from someone and I curiously asked who it was. She replied with "oh just someone". So I got a little suspicious and asked if we could open it together and she refused and put her phone away. She is really distant and not really the girl I fell in love with anymore. I tried to talk to her about this but she got very heated and started swearing and getting really disrespectful. She said she was done with me and that it was over. This was last night and no communication has been made since. I feel like maybe she is talking to someone else but I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Or if we are even together right now. So if someone could shed some light it would greatly help.

[mhowe]

You have a lot of issues --- fear of abandonment, jealousy, insecurity.

 

You need to get yourself straightened out before being in a relationship.

 

Buying cute gifts is not the solution. Being emotionally healthy is the solution.

[CeeLambrini]

Being able to say "I'm sorry" instead of "I'm sorry but..."

"I know I was wrong, BUT..."

"I shouldn't have said this, BUT..."

Adding a reason or justification to an apology isn't an apology. Panic, pain, revenge, anger - whatever the reason is, you still chose and planned to sleep with someone else.

Even if you believed the relationship was over, this was merely a day after the break up - which probably hurt her more that you were able to move on so quick after the "break up".

Can I ask how your girlfriend found out about your ex-fling? If it wasn't from you then I'm imagining the damage was a lot worse.

It seems like she lost a lot of respect for you after she found out. I think scrambling to look through her private messages with her might have just been the twist of the knife - in her eyes you are the one that cheated, why should she have to validate your insecurities?

 

I think if someone cheats, but the cheated-on decides to continue the relationship anyway, without forgiveness or trust it will end up fizzling out eventually. It has been almost 4 months - that's more than half of the whole relationship that you have managed to keep a secret as big as that away from her. And if she didn't find out from you, but from someone/something else that would destroy the trust even more. How will she know that you aren't keeping something from her like that again?

For the majority of your relationship you have kept a lie from her...even if she accepts the misunderstanding of the break-up you had, it still doesn't remove the fact that you have been lying to her this whole time.

Like you said, she isn't the girl you fell in love with anymore. Maybe this is for the best

[Julian74]

My intentions were never to sleep with this girl. In fact this girl lives in another state and I'm never going to see her again. I wasn't looking for anything to be honest. The only reason I even messaged her was because I didn't want to deal with the pain of losing her. Me and the girl I am trying to work things out with right now "officially broke up" a couple days later. The reason I never told her was because I forgot about it and that girl was a part of my past that I no longer want in my life. I only went to her because she was my most recent form of relationship but after i messaged her a few things it was the end of that. No more communication or anything. I didn't tell her because I wanted that part of my past to be left in the past. When we got back together nothing even remotely close to that happened again. No messages from anyone and we were both completely open about everything with each other. I have been as faithful as possible since then. But I honestly don't know how she found out, I have no clue and don't even think I have access to any of the messages myself so I don't know how she did.