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Anxiety and Depression... Negative thinking


Cynder

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Life has been pretty good for me lately. I just landed a freelance gig doing a CD cover/layout and T-Shirt designs for a pretty well known band. My creativity has been turned up lately, I've been churning out all kinds of art. I am in post production for my first major film project, and I've already been hired as the director of Photography/Editor for another film that will go into production this summer. On top of all that, I am in love with an amazing man who loves me and we have this awesome relationship. Ok... so why this sudden bout of anxiety/depression?

 

Even though a lot of things are going well right now, there are a lot of things that aren't. I have a job that pays well and I have excellent health benefits. But my job is causing some ongoing healthy problems, and lately I am stressed out about possibly having to quit because of this. Ironically enough, if I'm still working there they pay for all my treatments, if I quit I'm on my own. But working there is what's causing the problem to begin with. My job is also depressing. I am a quality inspector in an automotive plant. I work by myself, in a dark corner with very little human contact. I also work (not by my choice) second shift. I worked first for two years and then was moved to second with hardly any notice. So, I have no social life. And I also don't get any sun, which I know can really play hell on a person's mentality. I would gladly go for a walk every morning in the daylight, but these last couple weeks it's been below zero here.

 

My regular ride to and from work also can't take me right now. So I am taking taxis which is really causing some serious financial stress. I also can't get to the gym and back because I can't afford cab fair right now. Working out is something that makes me happy, but I can't do it right now simply because of logistics. (For anyone who doesn't know, I can't get a driver's license because of a medical condition, please don't tell me I'm just making excuses, etc. I really can't. It's not legal for me to drive, period.)

 

I've been catching myself having really negative thoughts lately... mainly about my relationship. It started out as thinking about him breaking up with me. But lately the thoughts have become even more negative yet, like what if he dies. I find myself thinking stuff like this a lot. We are in what some people would call an LDR. We live an hour apart. He comes down and spends a few days with me and then goes back home for a few. I find myself worrying about him getting into an accident while driving... etc. Most people could easily shake this off. But I wonder if I have a touch of OCD sometimes. Because I have a really hard time shaking these thoughts off. I obsess on them. And it seems like these thoughts keep creeping in when he's here and we are laughing and joking around and having a good time together (when I'm at my happiest.)

 

And when I'm at work I'm all by myself so there's nothing to do but stew in negativity. I try to think positive, but that doesn't always work. I also have started reading a book in my downtime instead of just doing nothing.

 

Last night I had a full blown anxiety attack. I couldn't catch my breath, my heart rate was sky high... I just felt terrified. My bf was here and did everything he could to comfort me.

 

I am considering going to counseling. I suffered a lot of emotional abuse when I was a kid and I think that's got something to do with this. When I was a kid my parents found ways to keep me down. I think as an adult I just do this to myself because I am trained to. I learned this behavior from a very early age and I don't know how to reverse it on my own. Maybe I don't think I deserve to be happy because my parents made me feel like I didn't deserve it as a kid, idk. I am also a little interested in hypnotherapy because that gets deeper into the subconscious. I don't know much about it, I plan to do some research. I really hope I won't be judged and ridiculed for being interested in it. My Mom took my to a hypnotherapist when I was 12. I don't know how well it worked... I also have been reading a little about cognitive therapy.

 

Right now I'm trying to stay above water. I'm trying to keep that switch from being thrown. My biggest fear is going into a bout of major depression, which has happened to me before because of anxiety and negative thinking.

 

So does anyone have anything to offer that might help? I won't be able to answer any replies until later on because I'm leaving shortly for work. But I will see them tonight when I get home.

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Negative thinking sure is annoying huh? It's late here, so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.. I'm rather tired. I'm not going to be one of those people who just says "get a new, social job... think happy thoughts" because realistically, it's not that simple, I wish it was, but it's not in 99% of cases. The little rational voice in your head may be saying "get a grip you have nothing to worry about" but you just can't really seem to listen to it.

I used to have intrusive OCD thoughts about family members being hurt by freak accidents... Apparently they developed from the fact I wasn't in control of situations in my life at the time and it is one of my biggest fears (that I can't control) so I obsessed about it. For me, it was down to anxiety and me feeling like I was powerless. CBT helped me a bit, so maybe it's something you could try?. It's braver to seek help than to hide it under the carpet

 

But like you said, try counselling, somebody who is CBT qualified, someone you feel comfortable with. It's a step in the right direction.

 

It'll get better. You said you've been through major dep BEFORE, which means you GOT through it. You have the strength to tackle this.

 

Like Dory says: "just keep swimming".

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