Still sad

[Mulder68]

I just need advice. Long story short. Was married with three older children, met married man, left my husband, he was always 'going to leave her when the time was right' a year later she finds out about me and kicks him out. He rents a place and I move in, he starts separation agreements with her, she contests and wants more money. His kids won't speak to him, he isn't allowed to see his grand kids. Six weeks after her kicking him out, I get home one night to find my bags packed and him demanding me to get out because he doesn't love me anymore. He said he still loved his wife of 34 years ( I was his second affair) I have never seen him since.

I hurt.... A lot. It's been 6 months. There was limited texting, mainly to get my furniture back. I haven't spoken to him since that day and he last texted me in November. I thought we were happy. We had the occasional bicker but that was all. I have gone from a bubbly 45 year old woman to a sad lonely Stoney face old woman. I moved back into my family home with my husband, separate room separate lives. How do I move on, how do I stop dreaming and thinking of him. How do I stop convincing myself that he really does still love me and one day I will get the ' I made a mistake' call. I can't go out with friends, I don't have any. I can't join a dating site, I'm not interested. I don't want to take up a hobby, my heart is in nothing. I have let myself go, I wear men's tshirts and shorts and a baseball cap to hide.

Please help me, I feel my life is destroyed

[nick66]

He used you, plain and simple. I however won't give you sympathy because you yourself cheated on your husband and kids. I think a good first start is divorcing your husband. The second step would be to stop dating married men.

[Mulder68]

I appreciate your honesty. I did not expect to fall in love with someone after being married for so long. I wish I hadn't

[nick66]

I appreciate your honesty. I did not expect to fall in love with someone after being married for so long. I wish I hadn't

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but most of the posters in this section lost their marriage or relationships due to infidelity. It will be hard to garner any sympathy when you admit that that you left your husband and kids to be with a married man.

 

You owe it to you husband to divorce him, that's if he hasn't already decided to do so. There isn't any reason for infidelity imo, none. if a person is unhappy then

end the relationship.

[kitkat620]

You have had your heart broken and you are depressed. What you need to do is accept the fact that your relationship with him is over and you need to get on with your life. Don't waste anymore time hoping and wishing that he will 'come to his senses' and beg you to take him back. It's not going to happen. And if it does, it will be temporary and last only until he has had his fill of ego stroking.

It's perfectly fine to allow yourself some time to mourn your past relationship and basically give up on life, but I think that time is over. Dig up what little pride you have left, take a shower, put on some nice clothes, go for a walk, and get your life back.

Your marriage is over, your affair is over, and all you have now is you. When you look in the mirror and don't like what you see (meaning physically and emotionally), it is time for a change. You have the power to gain control of your life again. DO IT!!!

[Mulder68]

I don't want sympathy, I know I did wrong. My husband lost his job so financially it made sense to move back in. He has a girlfriend and a social life. I'm a firefighter and I think I hide behind my gear too much. I just want to know how to stop beating myself up and like me again. I know others won't like me until then. I just wanted other people to tell me he used me I guess. Thank you for the wise words kikat620

[kitkat620]

...Thank you for the wise words kikat620

 

You are very welcome.

 

For the record, just by reading your post I think you are much stronger than you realize.

[ParisPaulette]

You start by closing the door on what's been and opening the door on what can be. You made a mistake, you were manipulated by a guy who cheated on his wife before. And who likely knew very well how to take advantage of the whole thing. In short, you were played. And that happens to the best of us and the worst of us. The way you move past a mistake is you pick up the pieces of your life one at a time and you put them together and you build a new life. It's time to maybe get into therapy or see a counselor, it's time to stop hiding. The big thing with affairs is they are fantasies and neither person is usually prepared at all for the fallout such things bring, not him, not you, not anyone. So yeah, all of you ended up on the rocks one way or another because of it, not just you.

 

While I don't condone cheating I also know that you sound like you want to get yourself out of this mess somehow and maybe don't quite know how. So look at this as a new chapter to your life, you loved badly at one point, but that doesn't have to define who you are. Not if you won't let it and since you're a firefighter I'd say you've got more than enough heart and bravery to move past this. Cripes you run into burning buildings to save people, how cool is that? So take some of that heart and bravery and use it to save yourself. Shut the door on him, shut the door on whatever it is that led you down that path in the first place, start fresh. Sometimes what burns everything we knew and loved away is the catalyst for a new and better change. It's scary when that happens, but in the end I think you were very unhappy in your marriage and possibly in other areas of your life before the affair started. And it's time now to see about locking horns with those things head on and changing them.

 

That's where I've started in the past when disaster struck and I've survived enough times to know that's kind of the best way to approach some of these tougher life crises. Most of us will face something dark in our lives, it's what we do when the initial pain and shock wears off that can make a difference in how we survive it. So to that end I say be kind to yourself, use the experience to make yourself stronger and to refuse to make the same mistakes again.

[wilyone 11]

On the bright side you didn't date this guy for 10 years waiting for him to leave. You Got a test drive and saw that it won't work. He loves his wife and decided to stay. No chance in hell he puts everyone thru that again with you. This was a blessing in disguise. You are only 45 plenty of time to meet the next love of your life. Don't give married men or separated men the time of day. This story is unfortunately all too common.