boyfriend/girlfriend

[somuchcooler]

I am just curious when you guys are in a serious relationship for like 2+ years do you prioritize your boyfriend/girlfriend on the same level as your family. I do I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 26 and since we are at the stage where we are both thinking about marriage I see him on the same level as my family. In some cases I even put him first. If you do/don't explain why.

[missmarple]

No. My boyfriend may be someone I love and value but, at the end of the day, boyfriends come and go. Family is for life.

[morrowrd]

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She's 15 years younger with 2 young children of her own, and acquired custody of a 3rd child, her ex husbands daughter, all pre-teens. I am 48 with a 19 year old son living at home. All of us live under one roof, and it's been a challenge. I adore her, I love her family. I have helped her family financially from time to time, I have been a support person and father figure to the three young children.

 

Then there's my son. My own blood family I don't honestly give a damn about. I have been estranged from them since being kicked out of the family home at 15. So, it's not too hard to put her above my family, except for my son. I went through a 23 year toxic marriage before meeting her, my ex left me for a man she had been cheating with for years, left me with everything. All the property, the house, my retirement..AND my son who was 15 when she left. My son has always been my best friend, and while I love my girlfriend, even she knows she comes after him. During those years of a bad marriage, he and I became close, and bonded in a much deeper way than the typical father/son relationship. My girlfriend, is full of life, bubbly and excited about life. She breathed new energy into my own life that is built around life-systsems and routines. She has brought a lot of healing and happiness to me, so it's a challenge when their is conflict between my son and her.

 

Just to share something, my mom just announced she is moving, and turned the family home over to me. I will be moving shortly into a huge house, all three children will finally have their own rooms, my own home was too small to provide that. I have turned my property over to my son, who now will have a golden opportunity at 19, to have his own place, HIS childhood home, while I move into mine. As great as this all sounds, it's been hard for me to leave my "sanctuary" with all the land, trails, my mancave..and move to the place I have never felt welcomed in. My young girlfriend has promised me that she will make me happy there, make new memories. And while it's a big step for this man who dislikes change, I feel it's going to be a healthy change.

[somuchcooler]

No. My boyfriend may be someone I love and value but, at the end of the day, boyfriends come and go. Family is for life.

 

Iunno I don't think all family is for life. My dad has a brother who he will never talk to again and I am 100% of that he has done some heinous things. Just because someone is blood related to me doesn't me that they will always be there IMO. Maybe you are lucky to have a family that is really good but to say that all family is for life just isn't true for everyone. I mean my boyfriend has been there for me through thick and thin and I definitely can't say that about all of my family.

[Realitynut]

Depends on how deep the relationship is. I put my last bf first. Cuz we were to be married and i think HUSBANDS/WIVES should come first.

 

We had this discussion with his kids....ADULT KIDS...who told me, 'we'll always be first in dads' life" very rudely. I tried to tell them that there are different levels of 'firsts'. Of course they were first....as children. I'm first as his companion. It's like comparing apples to oranges. I told my (now ex) bf that, and he said good, it's what he tried to explain to him also.

 

The kid had just got out of prison, can't hold down a job, and was a compulsive liar. So he had issues.

 

I don't see my family that much. I remember one time i had the choice of staying for my Dad's birthday party or travel the 4 hrs to see my bf (i had a schedule with him...) I chose the bf. Ex said he would have chosen the dad.

 

Yep....i put bf ahead of family. But unlike what Miss Marple said, I didn't believe boyfriends come and go.........

I'm of the opinion if you think bf's come and go......they most likely will.....

 

So my answer.......different circumstances, different family dynamics......all make a difference. Like i said, they are BOTH first, just different levels. You just have to learn to balance them.

[Iggles]

We had this discussion with his kids....ADULT KIDS...who told me, 'we'll always be first in dads' life" very rudely. I tried to tell them that there are different levels of 'firsts'. Of course they were first....as children. I'm first as his companion. It's like comparing apples to oranges. I told my (now ex) bf that, and he said good, it's what he tried to explain to him also.

 

Exactly, I agree!

 

Romantic love/marriage is different from parental/familial love. In some situations kids/family come first, such as emergencies or needing financial help. But it really is apples to oranges. It's not healthy for your marriage constantly to put children ahead of your spouse - as in their emotional needs and wants are always considered before your spouse.

[catfeeder]

It's a vague question--I consider my lover AS part of my family.

 

Maybe you can give more specifics, such as whether you believe your lover should take your side if you're being adversarial with his family?

[Tanzi]

Depends on how deep the relationship is.

 

I tried to tell them that there are different levels of 'firsts'. Of course they were first....as children. I'm first as his companion. It's like comparing apples to oranges.

 

So my answer.......different circumstances, different family dynamics......all make a difference. Like i said, they are BOTH first, just different levels. You just have to learn to balance them.

 

Totally agree.

 

It's a vague question--I consider my lover AS part of my family.

 

Yes. it all depends on how serious you and your partner are. If you are planning a future together - possible marriage and children - then they are becoming family and you will be creating a family together, thus they (husband/wife and children) will become the most important people to you.

[somuchcooler]

That's exactly how I see it when people say stuff like, "Well boyfriends/girlfriends come and go and family will always be there" I disagree because like you say if you have that mindset of oh well we probably aren't going to be dating forever so I may as well put them below my family then your relationship will most likely be doomed and it will fail because you aren't prioritizing your partner first. Maybe that is why so many relationships fail is because they are put as second best. Now hear me out before everyone starts jumping on me I'm not saying that if you are in a serious relationship that you just completely disregard your family's feelings or never ever put them first because there are circumstances where they should come first. As a whole though I plan on marrying my boyfriend I am 22 almost 23 and he is 26 almost 27 so I will prioritizing him first because I plan on spending the rest of my life with him and being by his side where as my family while I obviously love them unconditionally and very much so I don't plan on building a future with them such as having kids with them and such. I find it odd that your ex said he would have chosen his dad considering you guys are obviously long distance since you said you would have to travel 4 hours to see him so you see your dad everyday I'm assuming. I could understand if you weren't long distance with your bf at the time and you saw him a lot and he asked you to hang out or something and you chose to go to your dad's birthday instead. I am guessing that is one of the reasons he is your ex though lol because it didn't seem like he really put you first.

[somuchcooler]

It's a vague question--I consider my lover AS part of my family.

 

Maybe you can give more specifics, such as whether you believe your lover should take your side if you're being adversarial with his family?

 

Yes I would expect my boyfriend to take my side as long as I am being reasonable because if he can't stick by my side now then that is a bad sign that he won't stick by my side in the future as his wife. Even if I am not being reasonable I expect that my boyfriend will still stand by my side but calmly talk to me about the issue later and not in front of his family. I think that in order for a serious relationship to work you should always stand by your partners side that doesn't mean you necessarily always agree with them but that you back them up and you talk to them about why you disagree with them later not in front of other people. What are your guys thoughts. Do you believer that your lover should take your side if you are having an issue with his/her family?

[somuchcooler]

Exactly, I agree!

 

Romantic love/marriage is different from parental/familial love. In some situations kids/family come first, such as emergencies or needing financial help. But it really is apples to oranges. It's not healthy for your marriage constantly to put children ahead of your spouse - as in their emotional needs and wants are always considered before your spouse.

 

That's a good point of comparing the two is like comparing apples to oranges. My boyfriend comes first in certain areas such as who I want to spend most of my time with and be romantic with but my family comes first in other areas because it is just a totally different type of love.

[somuchcooler]

What are your thoughts do you believe that your lover should take your side if you are having an issue with his/her family?

[Realitynut]

If you are to be married....and really are 'serious'....the bf and you should have that 'united front'.....

 

I knew a woman, that even the she was OLD....she would still complain that her husband would never stick up for her, when she thought his mother was belittling her. If you are at odds with YOUR parents....i would hope that your bf would side with you....or at least give his viewpoint if he thought you were at fault.

 

If you are at odds with HIS family.....you should try hard NOT to be, but yes, i would hope that my SO would support me and my feelings.

 

btw...the EX bf's father had died 15 years before, and i'm sure he was talking about being at his Dads' birthday was more important than being with me, because of that. My dad died a year after we broke up.....in fact...i came back from ex bf's house a day early to go to Dad's birthday party, (it was to be his last) and it was during that week I found out my ex had started cheating on me! ugh

[Tanzi]

"Well boyfriends/girlfriends come and go and family will always be there" I disagree

 

So do I. Obviously some boyfriends/girlfriends do come and go but, ultimately, we are trying to find that someone special and when we do find that someone special, we treat them as such. That means they become as important to you as your family and they become a part of your family too. Either forces are joined together or you spend your time accordingly with each. Having a partner shouldn't suddenly create a Family Vs BF of GF situation. Family shouldn't (and I don't see why they should want to) get in the way of relationships because the natural course of life is that we have to create our own life at some point too and, again, partners should have no reason to want to get in the way of your relationship with your family. There really doesn't need to be any issue. Partners have family too and you are both in the same position anyway.

[somuchcooler]

Yeah I agree with you guys I never understood it when people were like well until we are married he will be second to my family because that transition won't happen overnight and IMO you should build that foundation of trust and being a main priority before marriage.

[Thorshammer]

Yes, they do feel as they are embedded in my life like family. Thats why breakups hurt, to me - they compare to the loss of a family member - in other words, a loved one. It takes a while to get there for me though, before then i could be pretty "bleh" about things- women have ended things with me and i just shrug and say "ok".

 

She wont take priority from my parents, but she is in my deep emotional and loving circle - she has her own spot, a whole different level reserved for the person i love.

[catfeeder]

What are your guys thoughts. Do you believer that your lover should take your side if you are having an issue with his/her family?

 

My first responsibility to my lover with regard to his family is to not set him up badly by inserting myself as a wedge. This means it's up to me to navigate and negotiate directly on my own behalf, and to respect any information that comes through him from them as HIS to handle.

 

The minute I position him as a go-between, "Tell them we're busy that day...," or "Are you going to let them impose on us that way?" is the time I've crossed a line.

 

I get to speak for myself. If he comes back with, say, a plan I don't like, I can say, "I'd rather not change the date we've already made, but if you decide to do so, you'll need to be the one who reschedules our dinner with Fran and Ted..." or gossip from them, "Ouch...let's agree that you're not allowed to tell me stuff from your family that hurts my feelings, and I can't manipulate you with anything my family says, either. If anyone has an issue with either of us, they need to step up and bring it to us directly."

 

If a family member is rude to me in front of him, that's mine to handle, just as it would be behind his back. I'll need to decide whether my goal is to 'win' at stooping to pettiness or to to see the larger picture of family harmony. Whenever my highest intelligence wins over my ego, we all win.

[Iggles]

^^ I agree with most of what you've said here.

 

If a family member is rude to me in front of him, that's mine to handle, just as it would be behind his back. I'll need to decide whether my goal is to 'win' at stooping to pettiness or to to see the larger picture of family harmony. Whenever my highest intelligence wins over my ego, we all win.

 

But I disagree here. IF his family was disrespectful in front of him, it would be my boyfriend's responsibility to handle that. Leaving me to fend for myself when he is more familiar with his family dynamics (and the person showing disrespect) would be putting me in a bad position. I would feel the same if the situation was reversed.

 

Fortunately, this is all hypothetical as both of our families' have been awesome.

[somuchcooler]

^^ I agree with most of what you've said here.

 

 

 

But I disagree here. IF his family was disrespectful in front of him, it would be my boyfriend's responsibility to handle that. Leaving me to fend for myself when he is more familiar with his family dynamics (and the person showing disrespect) would be putting me in a bad position. I would feel the same if the situation was reversed.

 

Fortunately, this is all hypothetical as both of our families' have been awesome.

 

Yeah I mean I know I would be pretty pissed if a member of my boyfriend's family was rude to me for no reason and he didn't say anything or he got mad when I did.

[Tanzi]

She wont take priority from my parents, but she is in my deep emotional and loving circle - she has her own spot, a whole different level reserved for the person i love.

 

I like this.

[catfeeder]

^^ I agree with most of what you've said here.

 

But I disagree here. IF his family was disrespectful in front of him, it would be my boyfriend's responsibility to handle that. Leaving me to fend for myself when he is more familiar with his family dynamics (and the person showing disrespect) would be putting me in a bad position. I would feel the same if the situation was reversed.

 

Fortunately, this is all hypothetical as both of our families' have been awesome.

 

Hah! I'm so glad to hear that, and if you're enjoying the blending of your families that much, then you're doing it all right.

 

Just a nuance to the scenario above: If one of the things my lover doesn't appreciate about me is my ability to handle myself, what am I doing with him? Either he trusts me to diffuse rather than escalate an instance of ignorance, or he doesn't.

 

First, how much ~must~ a family member's behavior or opinion matter to me? If I'm clear that I have no skin in the game, what would engaging rudeness buy me, exactly?

 

I treat intended offenses as I would a dumb and inappropriate coworker--I play 'stupid and cheerful' (ref: Dr. Joy Browne) and fail to recognize insult.

 

Complimenting malicious Aunt Tilly on her sense of humor or responding to BF's Mom's cut with a question of "Coffee or tea?" buys me peace of mind and trust that if BF is offended on my behalf, he will work it out with them on his own terms.

 

Meanwhile, why should I care? People need to matter enough to me for impact. If they want to insult, they'll have to do some pretty heavy lifting, because I'm not going to help them get there.

 

If I won't play, that leaves one hand clapping. If BF wants to create a clash out of that, that's his business.