LauraCC Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Hey, I'm new to the forum so this may be posted up already, however I couldn't find a post to suit my situation exactly. I'm posting here as a last resort, I feel I need advice from people who are outside of my circle of friends and family and who don't know my boyfriend. I'm with my boyfriend over 4 years and love him very much. He has had a tough up-bringing and life has not been very fair to him. He is currently unemployed, unqualified and completely unmotivated!! He is suffering with a bout of depression lately like no other. We are usually very open with each other and I used to always feel that it would stay this way. However, He lost his job recently due to the economy and has spiralled downwards since. He has made no effort to find a new job in the past 2 months, heck, even signing up for Social Welfare is an effort for him! (He's living with his parent's so that's probably why he hasn't made an effort as he gets a roof over his head and food in his belly for free) All he does is sleep all day, smoke weed and play computer games all night. He has stopped showing affection or even showing any interest in our sex life (which used to be amazing), we rarely have sex and if we do it last about 5 minutes and has no passion. I understand this is due to his depression, however he has been treating me very badly lately. He has anger issues (and always has) but they are getting ridiculous lately, he has never raised his hand to me and I know he never will... but that doesn't mean his verbal aggression doesn't make me feel like an emotional punch-bag. He has recently taken to putting me down in front of our friends, so much so that his friend told him that I would walk away if it continued. He'll belittle me or undermine my opinions and if I try to stand up for myself he will make a joke or say "Typical woman", if I get upset or go quiet then he'll shout at me and tell me to stop trying to make him feel guilty because "it's never going to work". He also mentioned our "sex life" in front of friends and said "did you ever notice how quick sex lasts? I just want to get the job done really".. I'm not sure if that was meant to be a joke in front of the guys or if there was truth behind it. Last week he roared at me and stormed out of his house and left me sitting with his parents, who were equally as shocked and annoyed as me. I told him I would not stand for that and that he cannot use his depression as an excuse for treating me like dirt...to which he replied "I don't care, I'll do what I want" Ever since then I've been very distant and uninterested in his day (usually I'd be eager to find out how it went), he then text me and apologised for the way he has been and that he loves me more than anyone or anything in his life...... the next day I drive to his house and sit down to eat a meal his mother prepared, but because he wanted to go out and smoke a joint and had to wait for me to eat the meal he flew off the handle and told me to go home and not come back. Anytime I try to talk to him about how he is making me feel, it ends in an argument as he gets very defensive. I just really don't know what to do, he needs professional help whether it is counselling for his depression or some sort of career guidance. I know he does love me, and I'm not naive, I know he does.. I can see it even behind all this crap. I think he takes advantage of my caring personality, I am a very empathetic person and care for family members with similar illnesses and physical illnesses also. I'm going through my final year in college and have my exams at the moment so a break-up or blow out is just going to raise my stress levels and effect my grades. I'm just wondering if anyone can advise me as to how to open up a conversation with him about how he makes me feel without it sounding like an attack or a break-up? I want to encourage him to get some help for his depression and to find a job, without seeming like I am forcing him. Has anyone been in this position? Can you help me? Do I sound like I am a bit too soft on him? So many questions I know, but my head is all over the place. Any help would be great. Thanks in advance! Also thank you for taking your time to read this, I know it's very long. x Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 You are being too soft on him. He isn't depressed. Hes using that as an excuse to smoke weed all day, sit on his lazy ass and be vile towards his gf. I have been depressed. It made me a little distant emotionally. It didn't turn me into a complete a**hole who treats my partner like a piece of crap he just found on his shoe.. He needs a big kick up the a**! You need to break up with him. Its pointless saying "I will not tolerate being treated like this" and then drive to his house the next day. That is telling him "you can call me names, abuse me, put me down to family and friends, humiliate me but as long as you say sorry-I will stay" He is an addict and that addiction will ALWAYS come first. It is time to take off your rose tinted glasses, forget the him you fell in love with and look at who he is now which is a complete loser who takes all his crap out on you. I lost my job in November and I am a little depressed but I have never treated my partner like this and I am looking for work. All his excuses are lies and you can do better Link to comment
LauraCC Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks for your reply. I know exactly what your saying, he just has some sort of hold on me and I can't control it. You're right about removing the rose tinted glass, he is compleltey different to who I fell in love with... in fact he chased me for months, I had little interest in him or a relationship and now look at me! Thanks again for your response, it's worth considering. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Why would you call sticking around for verbal attacks LESS stressful than walking away? What, exactly, does this guy bring to the table that's so fabulous? You need to stop rationalizing and justifying and making this about his depression--he's a grown man who deliberately mistreats you. You don't need to make a speech to walk away, you can just stop pursuing time with him. That's likely all it would take to free yourself, because it's not likely that he'll notice you're missing from his life. If he does, there's your leverage to explain that you don't intend to stick around for mistreatment. Then the rest is up to him--he can either step up, be kind, and get help, or you simply won't deal with him. Respect your Self. Link to comment
LauraCC Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 It's embarrassing to admit that I agree with you both.. I am too soft, I do rationalise his actions and I need to respect and look after myself and stop putting him first! It's going to be really hard though. Link to comment
LiquidSoul Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Sorry but he is a complete loser. A dropkick. I had a friend like this once, smoked weed all day lived at his parents, jobless. I cut contact with him and have never seen him again, good riddance to bad rubbish. Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 hey Laura, I kept justifying my ex because of his depression but you can't keep doing that or you will end up in the same situation as me. You can't help him if he is unwilling to change, the best you can do is to protect yourself and walk away. Him having his depression doesn't make him not responsible for his actions Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 respect starts with you. If you don't respect yourself then don't expect others to respect you. He treats you like this because you let him. Sometimes you gotta love yourself more than him or the relationship and say to yourself "I deserve better then this" which you do. The way he has treated you is unforgivable IMO. If it was a heated argument between you both in private-I would cut him some slack but humiliating you in front of friends and family-no way! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 It's embarrassing to admit that I agree with you both.. I am too soft, I do rationalise his actions and I need to respect and look after myself and stop putting him first! It's going to be really hard though. We're not speaking of someone who brings any value to your life, so walking away is not hard unless you set yourself up to believe that. It's a decision. Link to comment
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