Married almost six months and wife is unhappy and maybe having 2nd thoughts

[GADawg11]

I am 24, 25 end of the month, and my wife is 21, soon to be 22. I graduated from college in 2011 and have a full-time job that I am thankful for everyday. My wife is currently in Nursing School and will graduate in December of this year. We met in the summer of 2012 and dated for a short time period. We picked back up with each other in March of 2013 and hit it off great! We spent time together every chance we got. The relationship got serious in a short time period. After many talks about marriage, I asked her to marry me 4th of July week while we were at the beach. Originally we said we would get married in June of this year. However, pressure and stress from her mother and my mother took its toll on her. She called me one night after we had gotten back from the beach and was in tears. She told me that she could not go through planning a wedding and this very important semester at school, and asked me if we could get married in August. I thought about it and could not think of any reason on my end to say no. So on 8/3/13 we were married. We threw together one beautiful wedding in 3 weeks. It took a ton of help from family and friends, but we did it.

 

For some additional background, my wife dated another guy for many years and he turned out to be a joke. She had given him a few chances, but she found out the last time, while they were engaged, that he had been doing drugs again; he said he had stopped. I knew about her past engagement and she told me the backstory. He would not leave her alone and thought that it would be better for her to marry him and then divorce him after she graduated from Nursing School. I can't say that agree that was a good plan, but she was and to an extent still is young. I was very mature for my age, with many friends always joking I was a 40 year old in a 20 year old's body, and I never really dated anyone as serious as I had my wife. My wife on the other hand may not be quite as mature as me. She went through a good bit as a kid. Her dad suffered a massive heart attack and died, her older sister was diagnosed with cancer a short time after that and passed away, and then her older cousin, son to her mother's twin sister, was killed in a car accident. All while she was very young. So needless to say she is very close with her family.

 

Fast forward to December 2013. We made it through our first Christmas together, but she had not been acting right for almost a month. She seemed to be stuck is a bad mood, which she is a moody person at times, but she gets over it fairly quick. But this mood wasn't changing. We spent 4 days after Christmas in the mountains with her parents, as a gift from them, and we barely spoke the whole time. I would try, but her answers would be short or head nods. I did not address it then, becuase I did not want to ruin her parent's trip. WHen we got home I asked her if I had done anything, because it seemed everytime I opened my mouth it seemed to irritate her. She said I had been correcting her all weekend, but I could not think of one time, other than two instances where she thought she was right and wasn't on directions and seeing a particular restaurant, and I had been right with my directions instead and on the actual name of the restaurant. But to me that kind of stuff is petty. On New Years Eve everything came to a boil. After basically having to pry it out of my wife, she says she is not happy and thinks we should not have gotten married, or at least as quickly as we did. I was floored, I knew something was eating at her, but never thought unhappy with the marriage. She talked with her parents, although I'm not too sure what all about, and I talked with my parents. My wife and I didn't talk about the issue after that for about a week and then I brought it back up again. She felt better that she had told me, but the feeling remained the same. I asked her if I had changed since we got married or since we started and dating and she said "no". SHe said it was not my fault, that there were things that I did that irritated her (like not doing as much of the house chores as she thought I should, which I have worked on and do more of now), but that it was ultimately her problem. I told her that it wasn't just her problem it was our problem.

 

Before all this went to heck, we were eating at a restaurant and my wife says "not that it will make me love you any less, but I'm kind of glad we got married as fast as we did because I'm afraid that Trent may have gotten in my head." That kind of made my heart skip, but I went with it. Now she has told me she believes that was her trying to convince herself she had done the right thing. Well, I had been exhausting with talking and getting the same ole "I dont know what will fix this, it's just going to take time" (which she has said could be a month maybe six months). So, I wrote everythign out in a letter one more time and essentially said that I could not stand to go through something like this again, because it has taken one heck of a toll on me mentally. No offense to any ladies, but I know women are wired different from guys and that they are highly emotional sometimes; but when you say you dont think we should have gotten married, thats pretty extreme to me, especially in the first six months.

 

Last night after going out to eat she brings up the fact that I asked her I Ithought the only reason she married me was because she was afraid of Trent. I said I hoped that was not the reason. However she felt that by saying that I was accusing her of such an act. I told her a million things were going through my head that night and because she would not tell me what the problem was I had to check out every avenue. Then she said she felt I was using her past against her. what? Needless to say not much more was said last night except for me reminding her that me asking about Trent being the reason behind getting married so quickly was not something that I came up with, but that she said that night at the restaurant. Later that night she posts on Facebook "Just want to be happy... #sick #stresses". Well, that could be taken a few different ways, but one of those is I have done something and know evryone who sees that will have assumptions. I think that was not a good idea at all to post something like that, especially since it has been a family matter all along.

 

There may be some thigns I left out, but not much that matters. Basically my wife is not happy and thinks we married too quickly. I don't know what to do to help because she says there is nothing I can do since it is her problem. SO I guess that unless her feelings change I am suppose to sit around and be unhappy, because if she isnt happy I am not happy, for who knows how long. I still love my wife and I'm pretty sure she loves me, but I don't know what the future holds. Anybody else been through something like this?

[lavenderdove]

Well, 21 is very young to marry... you've been out on your own for a few years, and even 23 is young to marry in today's world. And then you married very quickly on top of that after only knowing her one year.

 

So now that things have settled down, she may be second guessing this decision. Second guessing doesn't always mean it was the wrong decision, it just means that it may have settled in that she's made a serious commitment when she's really young and rushed into it, and is not sure that getting tied down this young was a good idea.

 

My suggestion is that you try to get her to attend some couples counseling with you, to explore whether this is just second guessing that will pass, or whether she really wasn't ready to marry and was still hung up on her ex and jumped into this marriage thinking it would fix everything. And one problem you have is that people who are attracted to being nurses can be very co-dependent personalities who want to 'fix' other people, and her ex may be some form of 'suffering' person due to his addiction which makes him appealing to her to have him in that needy/dependent position (but that is not healthy for her either).

 

So I would suggest some counseling. See what it uncovers. But also be aware that marrying as young as you did does have a very high failure rate for just these reasons... young people can rush headlong into things without thinking, and be very fickle and change their minds at the drop of a hat.

[GADawg11]

Thank you for your input. My plan was pretty much what you suggested. I have found a wel known counseling group that I plan on asking her to attend with me.

[superfan]

She's young...extremely young and the idea of being married might have seemed much nicer than the reality of being a wife.

 

I cannot imagine getting married at the age of 21. I was so incredibly stupid and immature and barely ready to be out of my house. I have no doubt that if I had met my husband then instead of when I did (only 4 years later, but still) I likely would not have gotten involved with him.

 

She might be coming to terms with the idea that she made the wrong choice, or it might be something she is eventually OK with and just having trouble with now.

 

Regardless, you can't just sit stewing in misery waiting for her to make up her mind. It's not fair on either of you. I would sit down with her and lay it out. Tell her you understand she is struggling with this, but that it is hurting you as well and you can't just let it go. I wouldn't give her an ultimatum but you do need her to understand that either she wants to be married or she doesn't.

 

Offer her some time to be alone with her thoughts (and give her that space) but tell her that after that time, you both need to decide on a course of action which would include either counseling (if you can afford it), discussions with each other (open and honest) or divorce.

[pl3asehelp]

She's too immature to be married. The fact that the ex is on the radar even, her inability to cummunicate with you like an adult, and leaning so much on mom. I think some counseling is the only hope.

[GADawg11]

Thanks guys. Everyone seems to be on the same page so far with the counseling.