I really need help

[Prahanien]

I wasn't sure which category to put this in since it fits in several. I'll tell the story from the beginning.

I was in a relationship with a guy named Blake for about three years. After a year and a half, something came up(won't get into it as that's not the issue here) and we split up for a little while. This is when I met Brad. We started something but ultimately it didn't work out because he was so new to this sort of thing and it was a little too much for him. I resumed my relationship with Blake for the rest of that duration, but then a year later, Brad and I begun talking again. He missed me and I missed him. We started talking more and more and by this time my relationship with Blake wasn't so strong(this had been the case since before Brad came back). I decided to let that go and pursue my relationship with Brad.

 

For the first year or so, it was great. I had a lot going on in my life though as I was in the middle of my parents divorcing and my dad seeing someone else and it was a constant fight between everyone. My epilepsy was putting me in and out of the hospital, but I held onto Brad and he made me happy. I remember on Valentine's day that year, I had to go to the hospital for some testing and wouldn't be able to see him. They had me doing a sleep deprivation test so since I wasn't allowed to sleep I just kind of wrote him a nice letter, telling him how I feel about him and how glad I was that he was around. Over Christmas before this, we were both out of town in separate places but we fell asleep to the same music and after he fell asleep I told him I loved him for the first time. He took the day to think about it and then said it back. He just wanted to be sure. It was great, though. We shared a lot of inside jokes and listened to a lot of music together. We really connected a lot. He was sweet; he'd send me sweet messages just at random when I'd be out somewhere and I remember just smiling at them. We'd go back and forth about how we never expected this, but we were happy.

 

Towards the end of that year, though, we began having heated disagreements. They got pretty bad and kept on for a very long time. That pretty much characterizes our second year, which we would have celebrated on November 26, but we weren't even together then. It became off and on and rocky and we don't know why. We always said w'd try to fix it, but things just don't seem to work out. We would be fine for a while and then it would be the same things. Now, towards the end of last year, December through early January, he was seeing someone else(his neighbor) and didn't tell me until January 1st. We had stopped talking and every day just killed me even though I didn't know he was doing this. They had sex a few times. I know I shouldn't hurt so much since we weren't together, but... I can't help it. He felt really bad, though, when he talked to me again. He was talking to me because I sent him an email that I was going to send a couple weeks prior when I was going to try to change his mind or something. I don't know what made me send it, but I sent it. When he read it he told me he needed to actively talk to me on IM(this is after we hadn't spoken for a week or so). I said okay, and that's when everything came out.

 

So, I let him come over so we could talk about it in person. I had never been good at talking in person, but it just seemed right. I couldn't sleep the night before because it was all going through my head and I was trying to figure out what to say. I told him how I felt and why and he just kept saying sorry and kept his head down low. We ended up making love and there was so much feeling in it I just can't express. I had been working on writing him an email to just get everything on the table and it got extremely long, but I'll link it here, for the sake of putting all info out there. Here it is: link removed (note: there are some intimate details but nothing too graphic).

 

He thanked me for writing it and said it gave him a lot to think about. We've just been kind of taking it easy since, though the other day it hit me again and I got really upset. I decided to just go lay down for a while; I didn't say anything to him because he had a friend over at his place. I realize now that was a mistake because he got pretty upset with me for not saying something. I totally understand that, though - he knows about my epilepsy as well as some other things that may make him worry that something happened. I just didn't want to freak out on him, but I should've let him know what I was doing. Anyway, when we talked about that, he got really upset and started getting aggressive/mean again and he said some really mean things("I don't care how f****** sad you are, you tell me" etc). I tried to tell him not to do that and to talk calmly, but he told me it was my fault so I don't get to control the situation. I stayed calm with him and eventually just went to bed(I told him this time, heh). He texted a couple hours later and apologized. I meant to talk with him in person about this because at the time he couldn't handle it - I don't think he was really listening to me because he was so upset. That's proven difficult now though, since he had to get his wisdom teeth pulled and left his car back at his place(his parents went and got him so he wouldn't have to drive). He can't get here. Last night I got a little sad again and started to write something poem-like. I told him I got sad and he said he was getting tired of me always being sad. It hurt because I know he understands... So I told him that and I told him I still had all these fears. He told me I'm illogically afraid of everything. I mentioned that this whole thing is giving me a distaste for winter(I loved winter) and he told me not to put that on him and that just makes him want to leave for good. That's exactly what I was talking about when I told him what I was afraid of(part of that being any small issue arising making him question this). Later on I tried to let him know that this is going to take time to rebuild - I only have one message from that saved due to the nature of our IM client - "I think maybe the thing is that I've had a lot of bad feelings over the week and I need to give you some positivity too so you have a reason to want this. I don't know. I know it's been me being sad most of the time except when you're here and I get so excited and I'm happy and you always seem happy then too. You seem more... sure. You talk like it and everything. I dunno, thinking out loud. But that's why I've been saying what I have been, just... trying to remind you that this isn't all this is/all it will be."

 

See, he just says that he's still unsure right now. But when we're together in person he'll tell me he wants me and he seems extremely sure. I think he's discouraged because I keep getting sad, but I share it with him because I want to be open with him. I don't know what to do. I want to take everything slowly so we can rebuild but I don't know if we have time for that. How can I help him feel better about this and be able to proceed with confidence? He wants the same things I do - he wants a good relationship and a good future together. He's just unsure /right now/ because he doesn't feel like he deserves me. His self-worth is severely damaged right now.

 

I just need some advice. We both want to make this work so badly.

 

Happy to answer any questions. I know this is all kind of complex.

[SooSad33]

Seems like you're both trying to deal with some issues, for sure.

 

You mention his self worth and it also seems like you are dealing with something like separation anxiety? I'm wondering if you are just a little too insecure, always needing someone. Never comfortable alone? (too dependent).. Do you feel that?

 

In a way, I feel it should have been better if you had really slowed it all down with Brad, so you could deal with your break up with Blake for a while... before moving on.

 

I can understand some problems arising with how this began with you two, the arguments and reactions to everything.

Im sure it threw you both thru a loop. ( a lot of confusion etc?).

 

I hope he doesn't have much of an anger issue, acting out that way to you? If so, maybe he needs some counselling- as I said in the beginning he has some issues?

Im thinking counselling may do you both some good... with your history and all. (as well as stressors at home..)

 

Im not sure you should walk away from this.. it does sound like he does want to keep trying..right? well, if you think you both have the strength, i suggest you keep working on this.

 

Suggest he goto a therapist for help with himself and his self worth issues etc. If this would help things out between you.

And maybe you do so too.