second thoughts?

[LilithCave22]

I don't know how many of you have been following my posts. I've only made a few… my ex broke up with my Halloween because she "didn't have romantic feelings for me" anymore.

 

Well, she was in town last weekend and I think she may be having second thoughts. She said she still has feelings for me. When I asked her if she ever regretted her decision (I know, I probably shouldn't be asking that) she said "yes, especially after seeing you."

 

From some of the things she said, I also think she broke up with me because of other reasons than the ones she told me originally. It seems as if she struggles with the emotional intimacies of a relationship. She mentioned that "she panicked" and had to end things. I am thinking she may have some kind of fear of commitment but I can't be certain what she is really feeling on the inside. She said that she can't handle a long term relationship (even though we were together for 3.5 years) because she can't think that far in advance. She said this has happened in other relationships where she feels she can't give anymore and just feels like she has to end everything. Along with this possible fear of commitment, she is also very depressed right now due to a lot of different factors. She mentioned she is not emotionally stable enough for a relationship right now. I agree with that but am struggling because I am fairly certain she is seeing someone else (she started dating 4 days after our breakup). I am not too terribly concerned about this other person as I think it's most likely just a rebound.

 

My ex and I have a very strong bond. She struggles opening up her heart and feelings with people and she has opened up with me more than anyone else in her life (even though I think she still keeps a lot inside). I have been doing NC for about 4 weeks now. It helps me to move on, date other people, and get all my feelings sorted out. I figured it is what she needs too… I think she is starting to realize what she's lost. I have gotten over a lot of the anger I felt when she ended things and have really come to realize how much I love her. I miss her and I know she misses me as she has told me a few times. I know I don't need her to be happy but I would love to have her in my life… and not just as a friend. Of course, I wouldn't take her back right now even if she wanted because there a lot of deeper issues that need to be sorted out by a professional (in my opinion).

 

She said she wants to see me during the chirstmas holidays. I told her I didn't know if I could (but I really want to). I want nothing more than to call her and see how she is doing but I don't want to be her crutch. I'm also very scared that if I just walk away from all of this that she will move on with her life with someone else. I think that seeing me last weekend really made her realize how much she misses me. She wrote me an email and said that she had been thinking about me a lot since seeing me. I never responded.

 

I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do anymore. Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice would really be appreciated.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Your ex sounds EXACTLY like mine. The reason she broke up, her commitment issues, her problems with intimacy, she was going through tons of things at the time she broke up, everything! I wish I could help you out though, my ex still refuses to even see/talk/e-mail me or talk to her friends about me (the people who set us up) and it's been 2 months. Only 1 week of NC though, she has my apartment keys (still on her keychain she told me) and I wanted them back. I did everything wrong though at the beginning of the breakup. Crying, begging, etc. I finally told her that I love her, the door will always be open and that I forgive her for breakup up with me the way she did (over the phone). That is until I realized I needed my keys back (for insurance purposes).

 

I just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat as you and I truly feel for you. I know I still love her, but if she doesn't come back, I'll be fine. Doesn't mean I need her back, but I do want her back. In the meantime I suggest a book I picked up called "He's scared, she's scared". It deals with commitmentphobic people and what to expect from them. It sounds like both our ex's are commitmentphobes.

 

I hope things work out for both of us!

[LilithCave22]

Lonley-

 

our exes do sound very similar except that my ex still talks to me (but is respecting my NC right now). She has even told friends that she wanted things to work. She broke up with me over the phone as well. She still has all my stuff (and a set of keys). I gave her all her stuff back last weekend and she started bawling. She told me she would get all my stuff together. In a way, I was glad she didn't bring it because I felt like she hadn't completely let go yet. Does that make sense? It's probably just that she's been too busy to get all together but I can hope can't I?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Lilith,

 

Yeah, my ex is similar that way too. When I asked for my keys she told me she just didn't have enough time to take them off her keyring. Huh?!? That take about, oh, I don't know 30 seconds? My ex is going on a vacation with her mother to Mexico starting this weekend. I'm hoping that she gets some mental clarity while she's there. Not nessecarily so that she comes back to me, but mostly for her own good. From what her mother's been telling me (she calls me every so often) my ex has gotten worse and worse since she broke up with me, almost like she's in denial and trying to convince herself that she did the right thing. Her mom is hoping that the trip will help her daughter come to terms with the breakup one way or another. I do know that her mom wants us back together. She said she never seen anyone treat her daughter as well as I have and that she was a fool to throw away what we had. It's nice to have someone working for me on the inside

 

I'm hoping that she does call me sometime after she gets back, but I'm not holding my breath. I have to make a trip up to her hometown for work after Christmas. Maybe I'll bump into her and the same thing that happened to you will happen to me. But like I said, I'm not getting my hopes up.

[lovelostlady]

i feel for ya. my ex was very similar. if you havent seen my posts, prior to the breakup he told me that he'd never been in a relationship so long and "didnt know what to do". he also said that he didnt have anymore to give me and that he couldnt really explain his feelings. after the breakup he definitely seemed to be in denial, convincing himself he did the right thing. id do just about anything to have him back.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Yeah,

 

My ex when she told me she was breaking up with me, that I should be proud, she's never been in a relationship as long as ours and that I got farther into her heart than any man before. I was like... hmm... Do I get a prize? lol I never said that, but part of me wishes that I did. I have yet to say anything really hurtful other than I'm concerned for her anorexia. She was hospitalized a few times for this when she was in high school and it always was a sore spot to mention to her.

 

She was getting very skinny when she broke up with me (constant stress at school, and probably stress over trying to decide to break up with me), and from what her mom tells me, she's gotten even worse. As much as I want her back, I want her to be better more.

[LilithCave22]

well, for some reason I just broke down and called my ex; we talked for 3 hours. I almost made it through the weekend!! Things had gone so well when I saw her last and I was wondering if she felt the same. She did admit to having second thoughts and regrets about her decision but still is convinced she did the right thing and that our relationship won't work. I feel like she gave up on us but I guess it doesn't matter anymore (esp since she is now dating TWO new people).

 

I guess all I can do now is accept the fact that the hope is gone and keep moving on with my life. It's so hard when the other person still loves you and admits to having second thoughts.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I'm sorry to hear that. You're probably right, you need to keep on moving on with your life. It's hard, trust me I know, but ultimately you'll come to realize that it's really their loss, not yours. She let her fears come inbetween the love you would have happily given her. You need to move on, possibly start NC (depends on what you think is right), and tell yourself that she isn't ever coming back. It's the only way, I find, it's possible to start to heal. If they change their minds later, yay! Deal with it then and make sure she really means it, but odds are, she won't and as hard as it may be you need to accept it.

 

I'm sorry I don't have better advice to give. All I can give you is what I'm doing myself. Ultimately, I know I'll be better off, and I'm sure you will too.

 

Someone out there deserves our love. I only hope we both find the ones who are worthy of it.