Is he just playing with me?

[notsosure]

My boyfriend of 2.5 years and i recently broke up. We have lived together for about 1 year of this time. In general 85% of the time the relationship was great, we did alot of things together and he was alot of fun. After a holiday away together, we came home and i felt things had changed. He seemed distant and almost ignored me, and organised things for himself to do and would say i could come if I wanted too....

Our holiday was fine with only one small fight. We did however, discuss the future and although we didnt come to any conclusions, we did acknowledge the fact that in some respects we wanted different things. But we never ended the conversation and never concluded anything. Anyway, after two weeks of feeling invisible at home I tried to instigate a conversation about that and our holiday but it turned into a very big fight and after some harsh words on both sides, we broke up. I moved basic necessities and some of my stuff out of the house.

A week later I went to see him and we ended up having sex and after which we decided to take things slowly and see each other 1 - 2 times a week, but we also decided it best that I not move back in.

In some ways I was glad because I really missed him and other ways I feel a little used and think he said that because he was the one whom want to have sex and hence felt guilty. I have sent him a few emails since trying arrange something to do on our agreed catch up evening. But no response. I did speak to him one evening on the phone and although he was nice, it was less than intimate. Other than that there has been no communication and he has not initiated contact in anyway. Should I cut my losses and move on or try to "take things slowly" as we agreed? I do love him and do wish to keep the relationship going. I am torn between feeling used and trying to get back together?

[odysseus77]

if you both agreed that you both want different futures, then why hold onto him for the future? I actually went out with my girlfriend for 2.5 years as well, but in the last 6 months of it, we started to see real differences in what we wanted, and though we never broke up about it either, things really went downhill. We both kinda subconscously started looking for someone who had a similar idea of future, and she found one first and dumped me. The purpose of dating is to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, and if you cant do that happily with him, you have to grudgingly move on.

[bnybrain]

Regardless, he doesn't seem as devoted to keeping a promise as you. My problem is with him. I think you deserve someone who can stick to the plans that both of you made. Move on. Don't let him use you for sex. That happened once with my ex. But I had to put an end to it. If you do happen to run into him and he asks for sex, just tell him that you are not emotionally equipped to perform something as important as sex with someone who is not technically your "boyfriend." As long as the two of you are not under boy/girlfriend category, don't give him the pleasure. In my opinion if you both agree to only see each other once or twice a week and still not move in with him, then things aren't looking up for you (hence no sex, ok?)

 

Anyways, I couldn't help noticing you say that HE was ignoring you when the both of you returned to the house and that you felt INVISIBLE. Go with that. That is what you were feeling because of his emotional absense, trust me. I believe that he was the first one to slowly depart from your relationship. This guy isn't watching out for your heart the way he should be, thereforeeee I warn you to be careful. Take care of yourself and stay strong (as you sound okay to me

 

Tell me what you think.

Best wishes

Hannah

[notsosure]

Hannah, thanks. I think you are right and I think deep down I know he has emotionally left the relationship. I just wish I could take a pair of scissors and make a clean cut, but for some reason I cant. I guess I will see what happens when i see him and I am sure I will know. I cant help but feel stupid for saying yes to having sex with him. I think that was wrong and I think he took advantage of my feelings.... and I should be really cross, and I am, and hurt and I am and wish to get rid of him...... well that I wish I could be as certain. Why is it so hard to walk away? It sounds so clear when I write it down.

[littlekitten]

hi, I have the same experience. I'm still suffering from that now.My ex broke up with me cause we have no same future. And we still see each other very often , having sex.He treats me very well apart from that he doesnt want going out with me with friends.He thought that will make our friends think we are still be together thought we are doing exactly same things as we did before.

Sometimes, I still think I am used for sex by him.It makes me angry and sad. I tried to think it possitively. Now, I give myself chances to meet new friends and move on.And at the same time, I keep this unhealthy relationship with him because I cannot help tp say no to refuse him.That is very bad. But it is the way I try to cool down myself slowly.

I really understand you.

[bnybrain]

Notsosure.

 

You have to understand that this is going to be the toughest thing you will perhaps endure this year ALONE. Breaking up with someone, or realizing that someone of 2.5 years has "emotionally" left you is one of the most painful experiences any sane, confident girl goes through. So, the first thing to do is to make a serious note that this is not going to be easy. On the contrary, if you go through with this (and he doesn't seem to be sincere to your heart- so I would go through with it- if things don't change) you have to accept that you will probably learn new things about yourself that you never you were capable of. One of these being: hurt, saddness, strength, triumph.

 

This isn't supposed to be easy. If it was I would track you down and demand from you the secret that makes it so simple for you. You're human. Accept the humanly feelings that will come from being in a situation you are about to enter: hurt.

 

Notsosure. If you want me to go through this with you. I mean every step, I would be honored. When you are ready, if you are ready. Doing this alone is not a good idea. I had my sister to talk to. Perhaps once you are certain he wants out of this relationship (or you want out), you should talk to you family, let them know. And also I will be here. We can go through this step-by-step. Handle as much as you can. Again, allow me to reiterate that the feelings of dispair are okay. They will pass over time and soon you'll find yourself in a relationship with someone who will not make you feel invisible.

 

Let me know how you feel about all this. And, hey, don't forget to pamper yourself! Take a bath, rent a movie, go shopping, get your hair done, get your nails done. Do those things to show you that just because he deems you unworthy, doesn't mean you deem yourself unworthy. Because I can tell you right here, we can all tell you, you are important.

 

Hannah