maccerz Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Hi everyone! I may aswell just jump straight into my story! Sorry this is incredibly long, I just need to vent! Some advice but be greatly appreciated too Myself and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up 2 weeks ago. It was a mutual decision but it really came about because I was not as into it all as I had been in the past and it started having an affect on our sex life and just caused problems with our general intimacy. He moved to Germany in March for 6 months for college, before he left I was so completely head over heels in love and would have done anything for him, he was my life and the idea of him leaving for 6 months absolutely destroyed me (very unhealthy i know). I went to visit him twice over those 6 months, the first time was amazing, we had so much fun together I felt more in love than ever coming home. The second time was very very different, from the minute I met him at the airport I just didnt feel that excitement.. that overwhelming feeling of love that I was so used to feeling everytime I usually saw him wasnt there. It absolutely devastated me, I spent the whole week with him trying my best to get that feeling back but it just seemed to have disappeared. I came home so upset and slipped into quite a deep depression, it got to a point where I had no choice but to be put on antidepressants. He arrived home for good a few weeks later and I was hoping to god that when I saw him everything would just be ok again but sadly it just wasnt the case. The guilt I felt was horrendous and the last thing I wanted to do was give him any indication that I was feeling this way so I put on an act, praying that these feelings would come back with time. He had been my very very best friend for the past 3 years, somebody who I couldnt imagine my life without! Things certainly got better but still nothing like the way they had been before, I dreaded having sex with him and I tried to avoid it whenever I could. This really pissed him off and eventually drove him away. We had a conversation 2 weeks ago, which he actually initiated, and decided that breaking up was probably for the best. I had a great sense of relief when it happened, something that had been hanging over my head for so many months was done and I could just focus on just myself. I still have moments of feeling that way but I also feel such a great loss in my life. We had agreed to stay friends cause we couldnt imagine not being in eachothers lives and he came over to my house a few days later and had the most amazing conversation and just were really there for eachother. This gave me such hope that we would be able to be friends, and for the enxt few days we were texting nonstop. I went out with my friends on a night out a few nights later and i was texting him throughout the entire night, he then went out with his friends the next night and I didnt get a single text message from him. I lay awake all night in floods of tears worrying that he was with somebody else and forgetting all about me. I decided that I was making the whole thing way too easy for him and way too difficult for me. So the next day I told him I think we needed to cut contact for a week, have some breathing space and see how we felt at the end of the week. He seemed a bit shocked because he as he said he 'thought the break up was going as well as a break up could go' (easy for him to say when im texting him on nights out) Anyway we took a week to ourselves, only texting to wish eachother a happy christmas etc. Then the night after christmas I was on a night out with my friends and I saw on facebook that he was in a club right next door to the one i was in... of course being a stupid drunken idiot i started trying to ring him claiming i had lost my friends and asking was he around. He told me he didnt want to come and meet me, which made me break down in tears! I sent him a angry drunken text and went home. The following night he texted me apologising and saying he had been very drunk, and we agreed to meet up on Sunday to have a chat about everything. It was Sunday yesterday, I spent the whole day looking forward to seeing him because I miss him so much, at 8pm he texts me saying ' sorry just realised my mum has the car so i wont be able to make it over to your house' when I suggested meeting somewhere closer to where he lives he said 'the weather is too miserable, i dont wanna get a bus' so i thought ok im not embarrassing myself any further and I just left him alone. It's upset me a lot, I feel like he's already over the relationship and im just this little idiot clinging to him still. I know I should be happy he's doing ok, but I guess I wanna feel like those 3 years were worth something to him... he's such an important person in my life, it's killing me Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I have struggled with depression for several years. I had a wonderful girlfriend for 4,5 years, and she recently left me. My condition worsened after a horrible year from external reasons. And it drove her away. Today I feel so broken words cannot do it justice. It sounds a bit strange that you would become depressed because of what you felt was loss of feelings for him? You did not feel the "rush"? Well, after a long time together, you should perhaps be prepared for that. And rather focus on him and the relationship itself. I know what depression does to your self-esteem and abililty to be intimate. Even with the one you love deeply. Either you still love him, or you are just worried he is moving on and will not be in your life as the special someone anymore. Because you know deep down those years meant the world to him.. Link to comment
Autumnleaves Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 You're blowing hot and cold with this guy. You pushed him away as you've said your feelings for him changed and you stopped wanting to have sex with him. It's only now that he's agreed to the break-up and thinks it's for the best that you're feeling the loss and trying to pull him back in. Link to comment
silversoul Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I agree with AutumnLeaves, people with depression seem only to care about themselves. You broke up with him, leave him be, it is too hard for him to be your friend because he may still have feelings for you Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Texting him on your nights out, was your choice. Then you had those thoughts & turned it all around, on him, yet YOU were the one to admit throughout YOU were having different feelings for him.. Just to inform you... yes, he is thinking of you. Feeelings do not just disapear in a week. It hurts on both sides for a relationship to end... BUT, it has been done and now, you are dealing with the affects of it. Loss is never easy. You will feel those days & moments of hurt, confusion, lonliness, anger etc. It is normal... BUT it does not mean you should continue to keep contact etc. For your own good, that has to stop now. As hard as it is, it's best in order for you to 'accept & move on', from the relationship and him. Dont be angry etc with the fact he doesn't always text you, whatever. YOU have to work on accepting he no longer has to 'answer' to you. He can do as he pleases, as can you now. In order to move on it is highly suggested you stop all communications. Or this all just keeps dragging you down more. You're keeping the pain present.. when you need to moving away from it all. Like i said.. i understand how hard it all is. This will all take time to get over & accept. But it's good for you to come and realize now, it's time to work on YOU. You need to work on 'healing' and being 'happy' again, without him. One day at a time.. yes it hurts. tc Link to comment
maccerz Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Thank you very much for your input! Depression is truly awful, I'm very lucky that was my first encounter with it and things seem to have settled down a lot over the past few months. I can't say for sure if losing my feelings for him was the trigger but it was all very coincidental if not. The idea of hurting him was something I couldn't even begin to face and so I just kept it all inside and let it eat away at me. I will always love him as a person but romantically my love has definitely changed. He was my my first real boyfriend and so this was my first break up and I'm 25, so I think I'm just finding the whole experience very overwhelming and not dealing with it very well. Hopefully time will heal all! Once again thanks so much for your input! I agree that I am all over the place, it's not where I want to be and I'm doing my best to change that, it's just so much harder than I ever thought it would be I resent your statement about people with depression only caring about themselves. I very much care for other people, probably too much. Everybody has their slip ups during break ups, it's nothing to do with not caring about anybody else. You're completely right, I need to read this over and over. I've gone through such an emotional rollercoaster of emotions, it's just impossible to know how I'm feeling. I know this will calm down with time and I just have to learn to be by myself again! New Years resolution: learn to be happy on my own! Hopefully this time next year I'll look back and say that this was a big turning point for me. Thank you very much for your advice, greatly appreciated! Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Is it me or does someone else agree with me that those romantic feelings ALWAYS subside and something better comes in place? I just don't understand why people cannot move past the fact that they no longer feel the chemical rush they once felt and therefore, you should break up.. I mean, if that is your mindset you're in for a long series of failed relationships because the feelings ALWAYS go away.. sometimes after a few months, sometimes after years,.. but I have never seen a couple that is together for 20 years that is still very much 'in love'. Sorry I just needed to give my opinion on this one! Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Good point Lucha, makes me think what is the point of relationships then for these people? Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Lucha and Silver, it always amazes me, too. Love has tides and the neurological reaction we feel at first isn't love, it's a chemical stew. The chemical rush is supposed to provide the attraction. Love doesn't come until later. Love feels warm, safe, and comfortable, not stomach churning excitement in the beginning. Why is it more people aren't aware of this? Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I feel like A LOT of breakup hurt could be avoided if people only learn this quicker. Most people don't realise this until they're in their 30's, some people will never learn. I think if you can't accept this truth and be happy with what you've got, you'll never find happiness... Link to comment
maccerz Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 So are you saying people who fall out of love should never break up? None of your break ups have happened due to falling out of love? Link to comment
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