How do we avoid bitterness towards our ex?

[Mentor]

Hi All,

 

It has been almost 3 weeks since my break-up with Lisa. If you have read my story you know that we ended things on very good terms, and hope to re-establish our friendship after we heal. I have experienced a range of emotions, from denial to depression, and now anger/bitterness. I have no reason to feel this way. Lisa could not have done a better job in initiating the breakup, I am even appreciative that she took the step before things got worse.

 

I feel that Lisa did not give us a chance to work out this problem. We only just realized what the problem was 2 weeks before the end. That was not enough time to try to develop the emotional intimacy that we were lacking. She thinks that love (or lack thereof) is not something that you can fix. I disagree, and we agreed to disagree. I am also hurt that she has already begun to meet other guys. Nothing serious, but it sucks to think of her out there socializing while I am at home suffering

 

I hate myself for feling this bitterness towards her. She does not deserve it. I hope that I can contain it when we communicate, and that I do not destroy the ties that we still have. Are my feelings normal? Will they pass?

[sdw]

Hi mentor,

 

My break up was similar to yours, except she did love me and I loved her, but she said she didn't think we would ever make each other happy after a bad couple of months. I too was angry that she would throw away our relationship without trying harder since we did have something very special. It was 3 months ago now and I too am trying to let go of bitterness. I don't think there is a simple answer, you have to outwardly show her you are not bitter, wish her well and encourage and support her. Think of it as the best thing you could possibly do in this situation, think about it - it makes you a remarkable person if you can do this, and it will make you feel proud of yourself. Whatever you do, do not tell her how bitter and upset you are and do not show it. It is perfectly normal to feel that way, but you have to let it go if you are going to move on. Also try to remember that these new men she is meeting do not know her as you do and they are not replacements because no one can replace you and what you had together. I feel for you, because I still get those pangs too, but it does pass. Remember that if the relationship had any meaning and I'm sure it did, she will be hurting too, but she's not letting you know that, so you don't let her know you are either. Be strong, and act in the way you know is right, you owe it to yourself.

 

Steve.

[Lilu]

Mentor,

 

It is still shocking to find others that are/have gone through a similar situation. Gosh, I did...a year ago. We were married 2.5 years and he decided to call it quits. I think it was best to breakup before things got any worse.

 

Like you, I experienced a range of emotions that affected me deeply...and they still do from time to time. It is hard not to feel bitterness towards our ex, especially if they are already moving on with their lives and are in new relationships...but you have to be strong and remember you will surpass this.

 

So sorry for the shortness of this message, gotta go late to class.

 

Wish you the best,

Lilu

[FleX]

I feel that Lisa did not give us a chance to work out this problem. We only just realized what the problem was 2 weeks before the end. That was not enough time to try to develop the emotional intimacy that we were lacking. She thinks that love (or lack thereof) is not something that you can fix. I disagree, and we agreed to disagree. I am also hurt that she has already begun to meet other guys. Nothing serious, but it sucks to think of her out there socializing while I am at home suffering

 

This is exactly how I was feeling after the 2nd month of my relationship. We were both busy and I guess we didn't have the time to bond as well as we would have liked. Only way is to move on... don't be bitter... people who are bitter are unattractive in the eyes of others (friends, family, the opposite sex) Usaully it takes time... Once you've accepted the fact that it's over and moved on you can truly be happy. In the meantime I don't htink you should care as much about her as you should yourself. It doesn't matter if she goes out to socialize or gets 10 new bfs. It's about you. You should be the one going out having a good time... The best way is to be successful. Take a new hobby, meet new people. Embrace all types of women. Show her that your truly happy... not in a way to spite her. By being positive you go back to being the man she loved/liked.

[bamboo]

I don't think you can avoid being bitter towards an ex who ended things. It is a natural stage of trying to get over someone, and I think quite healthy. Don't beat yourself up about it because you feel she doesn't deserve it. You're right, she doesn't, as she did what she thought was best. But your bitterness is just an emotion you have to go through inwardly that will soon disappear. It is not as if you are taking your bitterness out on her outwardly. You are merely just trying to come to terms with what happened and allowing yourself to grieve for your loss.

 

Edited to add: I just realised that you are Mentor, someone who had replied to my thread too For what it's worth, you sound like a very understanding and positive person with a good head on your shoulders. So don't feel bad or guilty for very normal emotions. Take care!

[Mentor]

Thanks for your replies

 

Lisa is 100% class When she decided to end our relationship, she did not have someone else on the side. She knew that it meant starting over for herself as well. Somehow this seems to help, but at the same time it hurts because I an reminded of how much I lost when I lost Lisa

[JohnnyTable]

Ya its better when they leave you for somebody else because then you can hate their guts for awhile and get over them much quicker (plus no hopes of them coming back). Your desire for them fades more rapidly that way I think too.

 

If they leave you in a good way without treating you like garbage, then I can see that as a more difficult situation. Funny how that works.

[fantasia2004]

yeah why does that happen? I will never know

[ebola316]

I think it's because the power of hate is enough to overcome the sorrow we feel. I think if we hated them a little more, we'd have an easier time getting over them.