Too late and feeling quilty

[faeriechyld]

One year ago this month, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. There was a tumor that had been growing inside of her for about 8 to 10 years. She went through surgery, but the cancer had spread to her liver and since the tumor was in her colon, the process of removing the tumor caused oxygen to rush to aid the cancer in it's quest to infect her body. She went through chemo, tried everything, but by October the doctors finally admitted there was no hope. They gave my mother less than two months to live.

While all of this was going on, my mother and I had a lot of issues with each other. First of all, I was in my first (and only so far) year of college and was not doing well. I went to a liberal arts school in Florida and I was failing out badly. I was depressed, I was having a lot of issues, and my mother was not one who could understand me. She was a full of life person, and the fact that I had thoughts of ending mine by my own hands freaked her out. I came home from college and things just went from bad to worse. While she was in the hospital, her boyfriend was a constant thorn in my side. Just to give a bit of background this guy was all out loser! He was an elvis impersonator (need I say more?) and he was one of those people who just thinks he can put his two cents wherever he wishes. Even if he is not part of the situation. Well, mom and I were already on rocks and this guy was just grinding us apart. I lived with my father, so I didn't have to deal with mom and her "love" much. But as the summer progressed, I rarely saw her, even though I knew she was already beginning to lose the fight to cancer.

About mid-July my boyfriend of the time and I decided we were not going to return to the college we met at. We decided I would move down there and find a job in Georgia, but I wouldn't tell my family because I knew they would never allow it...of age or not. In August, the week before I planned to make my big "escape" my mother ended up in the hospital with a blood clot that could have killed her. I went to see her, the first time I had since the surgery in May, and we were still having problems even with all that time apart. She was released from the hospital just days before I left, and then I was gone.

My family called numerous times to try and get me to come back. I finally gave in and talked to them towards the end of september, it was then that my family told me the doctors had given mom two months to live. I came home for a weekend as I still did not have a job. Mom cried a lot, blaming herself for why I left. I felt so horrible, but then that stupid Elvis jerk decided that he was going to propose to my dying mother the weekend I came to see her. Well, in case you're wondering why on earth someone would propose to a terminally ill party, my mother had just gotten a new job at a law firm in DC, there she had about 75,000 of life insurance and had received 35,000 from my father. It may not sound like much, but this guy was a DC cop who had a heroine addict for a daughter, he desperately needed any money he could get his hands on!

Finally, towards the end of October, mom FINALLY came to her senses and moved out of that man's house. I made plans to come visit her in December. I came up for a weekend, and mom went in the hospital, from which she would never leave alive. I stayed with her until Sunday as I had a job by then and needed to return to work, she was supposed to be released from the hospital on Tuesday. Monday morning, she vommitted and then went into a seizure, breathing in some of the substance. she was placed on a tube to help her breathe and I rushed back up to see her on Tuesday. Wednesday my father and I went to the hospital and I went to see her. she motioned for me to come to the bed, she couldn't talk with the tube in her throat, but she motioned "I love you." Biting back tears I told her I loved her too and I was sorry. I stood there as she fell asleep, and then rejoined my family to let her rest for a while. It was then that the real terror began. Mom had signed a living will stating that she did not want any ressusitation or any life support. Here we hit on a technicality, technically the tube in her throat was there "just in case" but she was mainly breathing on her own. we decided we would leave the tube in until Thursday morning because we weren't sure if she would die as soon as they pulled it out or if she would live a while longer. Well, mom must not have liked this decision, Wednesday night, she tried to pull the tube out herself. They tried to reposition it but it didn't work, and we decided to just take it out. I lost it. My dad made me stand in there and hold mom's hand while they went to tell the nurse we wanted it out that night. I refused to cry in front of mom, so I furiously wiped the tears away..but she knew I was upset. My sister came in and told her we were taking it out. She lived, she breathed on her own...for a while. My boyfriend had come with me to Maryland from Georgia, and he and I went back to my house thursday night to get some neccessitiies since my father, my boyfriend and I had nothing with us but the clothes on our backs. I never saw my mother alive again. We stopped at the house, which is about an hour to an hour and a half away from the hospital, showered, changed and grabbed everybody's things, and then headed back out. Then we got lost, and by the time we made it there, mom was gone. She looked like she was sleeping, and all of my family was sitting in the room, teary eyed and I lost it again. But somewhere I found strength, I sang at her funeral and managed to get through the song without faltering. And my depression and suicidal thoughts were not there...still aren't. I mean, I get depressed, but I want to live now....for her....

The first few months after she died were not too hard. I told everyone I knew she was going to die, so I had accepted it back in October....but now....everything in my life is straightening out. I'm living with my dad again, I got a job where mom used to work....and now all I can think about is her. I feel so quilty for leaving in the first place, for all the fights we had. I don't know how to let go of this guilt. So I guess that is why I'm writing this...well....novel about what happened. To see if anyone knows how I can overcome my pain, and my unending guilt for leaving her. And how I can move on, knowing that I never fully got to say goodbye. I did well my first month of working, but now I fight back tears most days, I think about her all the time and it is almost like she just died, not that she's been gone for almost 6 months! I need help....I just don't know what to do....

[Iwanthim]

Well, let me wipe the tears of my face. Well I just wanted to say its hard and it will always be hard but you mom is always watching over you and what you need to do is make her even more proud of you.

 

And for the girls and even guyz out there who have with there moms this story should open your eyes one day they willnt be there.

 

Nicole

[rocky888]

i know exactly how you feel. I lost my mother just a month ago. I did say goodbye, but she was to sick to hear it. I have regret not watching her die she was the closest thing to me and now i have noone. None of my friends get it and im not close to anyone left in the family. My dad now talks crap about her all the time and i just want to kill him or myself to make it all better. I know you are guilty that you didn't get to say goodbye, but i wouldn't let it get to you i think she knows that you love her and she will always be with you. If you ever want to talk just email me. I'm here with ya

 

katy

[The Jackal 9]

When my father was sick and dying of colon cancer we had help from a local hospice. And this is what they told me to prepare me on the day he died: "Don't be too upset if you find that you leave the room for a minute and find that he is gone when you return. It is very common for people to leave at those moments. It is almost as if they wait for those moments so they can slip away unnoticed." Your story is so moving. And I know from my own personal experience that you may not believe what I am about to say, it was a beautiful thing that you did. That Wednesday night, when you were there with her, held her hand, told her you loved her and were sorry, that was a beautiful and wonderful thing to do. Anyone who reads this post will see that...and we are just strangers. I can't even begin to fathom what it must have meant meant to your own mother. The hospice also felt that people are capable of holding on till the most important of unfinished business is finished. If that is the truth, she would not have left if she felt things were unsettled between you.

I am not writing this to tell you how to feel, but I write it in hopes of making you not feel so alone in your guilt and sadness. I know that position too well. Whether you accept it or not you are amongst the greiving. I made the mistake of underestimating the denial stage of grief. It can be extensive. It is hard to tell the heart what the mind already knows. I also had too high expectations of how fast I should recover from a loss. If you visit some of the hospice sites and read up on grief you will find that everything you are feeling is not uncommon after an experience like yours. link removed was very helpful to me. But I think most advice will point to the same thing, time. There is no timeline in grief. I hope you will be gentle with yourself and allow yourself what is rightfully yours, the right to mourn.

[faeriechyld]

Thank you rocky888 and the jackal 9. Your words have given me encouragement.

 

To rocky888, I send my condolences for our similar loss. I'm sorry that your father feels the need to talk poorly of your mother now that she is gone. That is one thing I cannot stand, my grandmother(dad's side) continuously refers to my mother in a negative sense in regards to the last years of her life. There is this thing I follow in which I have a certain amount of respect and tact involving people who have passed on. It does not matter how I felt about them in life, once they are gone, you do not say anything bad about them because to me that is just disrespectful and wrong. I hope you find comfort here in this site and in your friends at home.

 

To The Jackal 9, thank you for sharing your own story with me to help me understand I am not alone in this. You don't know how much it means to me when you said that she would have held on longer if she thought things were unfinished between us. I never saw it that way, and it does give me hope that one day I will find forgiveness for myself from myself. It is good to know that there are other people experiencing the same thing, even if at times it feels like I am going at it alone. Thank you again for the words you expressed to me, it made my day that much brighter, and gives me hope.