Me [21 M] with my ex-BF [25 M] 6 months; broke-up but getting a second chance

[aura666]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Hopefully someone can help me out.

 

I am gay. And live in a country where it is not acceptable to be gay. However, I met a guy online almost 9 months ago. We immediately hit off. We dated for 6 months. He was and is an amazing guy. And we were very much in love with each other. However I had a few personal issues that resulted in me often acting childishly towards him. A lot of whining and complaining over trivial things.

 

He was however always caring, loving and understanding. He always told me I made him very happy (so I must have been doing something right). I told him he made me happy too. We always had a great time together. But because of my issues I often ended up focusing on silly little things and complaining about how unhappy I was instead of seeing everything he did to make me happy. I ended up breaking up with him. He agreed, he said it was probably for the best since he couldn't keep me happy. We settled on a 1 month NC period.

 

However, breaking up with him opened eyes. I re-evaluated myself. Did a lot of soul searching and sorted my life out. I saw what was wrong with the way I was living. Not just in terms of how I acted in the relationship but in other aspects of life as well. It has been two months since the break up and I genuinely feel I have grown and matured as a person. We have been talking for a month now. And it's great. And I noticed that things that bothered me A LOT about him in the past don't bother me at all any more.

 

I initially tried to move on. But I soon realized how much I still like him. He is a genuinely great guy (I'll hold back on all the praises). And looking back at our time together I realized what a great thing we had going and it was ruined by me fussing over trivial things because I was in a bad place at that time.

So it has been almost a month since we got talking again. A few days ago I asked him out on a movie. I also told him that there was something I wanted to talk to him about. We met up and had an amazing time. Really enjoyed watching the movie together. And afterwards had a great time walking around the mall and talking about this and that. Also I thought it was really cute when we were having a bite to eat and he made me try his coffee and pie (first time he did that!).

 

I had basically written down what I wanted to say to him in a letter. I talked about all the realizations I had had. About how I had sorted myself out. How much I liked him and everything. Told him I truly sorry I was for everything I did (he forgave me). He read it all. But said that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship at the moment. He said keeping so many secrets made him feel like he was doing something wrong. And that he really liked me but he didn't feel the same way about me any more.

 

However I talked to him and said that I didn't expect him to immediately jump back into a relationship with me and love me instantly. All I want at the moment is to take things slow. Re-connect. Baby steps. And he agreed to that. Said he was very much open to seeing how things go. Agreed to date again. If things work out, great. If they don't; well what can you do?

 

So what do I take from all this? He is a very matter-of-fact person. I did tell him that I hope I wasn't forcing him. He said I wasn't. Basically what do I do now? How do I take things slow? Previously we didn't meet a lot. I plan to change that. What else should I do? Also an outsider's opinion on all this would be appreciated. I know most things seem to be going against me at the moment. But he has agreed to give it a try- That has to count for a lot, right?

 

Summary: Broke up with boyfriend because of my issues. Sorted my life out. Asked him for a second chance. He agreed, sort of.

[JJ2980]

Can love lost be regained? Of course. Will he fall back in love with you? Hard to say. He told you he lost feelings for you. He might no get those feelings of love back. You two sound like your opposites and maybe you're not quite as mature as he'd like. You may have made changes in the last two months but the proof will show if you two start up a relationship again.

[aura666]

Can love lost be regained? Of course. Will he fall back in love with you? Hard to say. He told you he lost feelings for you. He might no get those feelings of love back. You two sound like your opposites and maybe you're not quite as mature as he'd like. You may have made changes in the last two months but the proof will show if you two start up a relationship again.

 

I have genuinely sorted myself out. He admitted that he has noticed a change too; that I seem more relaxed and not wound up. When we talked a few days ago he said he was always very happy with me, never had any complains at all.

 

I genuinely like him a lot. I know I have made mistakes in the past and I am very willing to mend things. I plan to be very patient. I have my exams coming up and I suggested meeting up and catching a bite to eat after I am done. He agreed to that. I also asked if he wants to come over to my place some time and watch movies and play video games and just hang out; he said definitely. Does that sound right?

[snappy5]

How to take things slow? Treat it as a new relationship and keep improving yourself. Don't make it all about what he can do to keep you fulfilled. You have to find those yourself and anything he adds will be extra. You'll always appreciate something extra instead of taking it for granted.

 

I'm also gay and it's been 6 months since we broke up. I miss having my best friend around but I've also improved dramatically. I think breaking up was a really great thing for me in hindsight because it forced me to change for the better.

 

I'm really happy for you guys and wish you the best. It's hard to find a good guy in general and I think it's especially harder when we're gay since the pool is smaller. Appreciate your guy and invest into growing together and keeping the spark alive.

[sharky988]

It sounds like he's open to continuing to date and see what can develop between you -- which is a very good first step.

 

It's probably going to take time to rebuild his trust and for him to feel *safe* in having strong feelings for you again. If HE was on this board posting, people would probably be telling him to proceed with caution

 

I would just continue to date and see if he comes around. Above all, have patience. You need to earn back his trust and that takes time.

 

I hope it works out!

[aura666]

How to take things slow? Treat it as a new relationship and keep improving yourself. Don't make it all about what he can do to keep you fulfilled. You have to find those yourself and anything he adds will be extra. You'll always appreciate something extra instead of taking it for granted.

 

I'm also gay and it's been 6 months since we broke up. I miss having my best friend around but I've also improved dramatically. I think breaking up was a really great thing for me in hindsight because it forced me to change for the better.

 

I'm really happy for you guys and wish you the best. It's hard to find a good guy in general and I think it's especially harder when we're gay since the pool is smaller. Appreciate your guy and invest into growing together and keeping the spark alive.

 

Thank you for your advice. And you are very right. Previously I used to base my entire happiness on him. And whenever he didn't meet my unrealistic expectations I would lash out at him and put myself in a bad mood. I no longer do that. I do other things to keep me happy. I try to keep him happy too. And every time he does/says something nice now it feels like a bonus. Feels great.

 

In hindsight I am thankful for the break up because it opened my eyes. But at the same time I regret it because I lost him. Well not point dwelling in the past.

 

It sounds like he's open to continuing to date and see what can develop between you -- which is a very good first step.

 

It's probably going to take time to rebuild his trust and for him to feel *safe* in having strong feelings for you again. If HE was on this board posting, people would probably be telling him to proceed with caution

 

I would just continue to date and see if he comes around. Above all, have patience. You need to earn back his trust and that takes time.

 

I hope it works out!

 

Yes I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to earn back his trust and love. At the moment he still acts somewhat distant but that is understandable. He is not very talkative when it comes to texting (so I have to initiate or keep up conversations when we text) but he is a total chatter box when we are in person together or talking on phone! Also I have noticed that every time I compliment him he just smiles or says thank you. Doesn't compliment in return, which is okay but I just want to know if I might be making him uncomfortable and should hold off the compliments for a while?

 

Thank you for your help everyone!

[aura666]

Guys? Any further help?